LankyStoic
New Member
I'm 18 years old from Scotland. I have been trying to reach a 30-day streak for 3 years now. The most I have gone is 14 days, on a few occasions. I started watching port at 12 and it felt wrong at the time but everyone around me was also starting to watch it. It never felt like a problem and I don't remember feeling any effects until age 16. At age 15 I wasn't using it much at all and got a girlfriend which went really well until I started watching it more. I also got a job and was surrounded by negative influences (people who took drugs and watched a lot of porn) making it seem ok. This period of lots of porn use and bad people around me led to a breakup and the first time in my life where I didn't try at school. I had lost all hobbies, grades, girlfriend, and most importantly my values. My attitude towards women was toxic. It had developed over time. I used to be the most respectful guy ever and was always called 'good guy (my name)'. I slowly became unlikable. I became shy, socially anxious, pathetic, annoying and had no sense of humor. I wondered what was wrong with me.
Over the past 3 years I have had some good and bad moments but never making it past 30 days. I have definitely improved, I notice a personality change but I still have a long way to go. I eventually spoke to my girlfriend about it but it was never brought up again for a long time, then I was watching far too much and it caused the breakup. We got back together and things seemed ok again but soon I slipped into bad habits again and wasn't treating her right, I was never there for her or showing enough love. I confessed my problems to her again and she was heartbroken and this obviously added to my pain but I read about betrayal trauma.
So right now, I have convinced her that I am clean and have been for a few months. Which isn't true. I have been on 1 and 2 weeks streaks with bad chasers in between. I also promised to seek help from an expert near me but I never did. I can't bring myself to hurt her by telling her but I also know that she is being hurt indirectly because she knows something is up. I tried to find therapists near but I have read on forums that they arent useful. I am hoping that joining this forum will help but I am really struggling and I cant seem to beat this.
Right now I have been trying cold showers, journaling, eating clean, reading YBOP and forums. I haven't tried contributing to this forum, speaking to a therapist, proper exercise (as I have postural problems which cause extreme pain).
Over the past 3 years I have had some good and bad moments but never making it past 30 days. I have definitely improved, I notice a personality change but I still have a long way to go. I eventually spoke to my girlfriend about it but it was never brought up again for a long time, then I was watching far too much and it caused the breakup. We got back together and things seemed ok again but soon I slipped into bad habits again and wasn't treating her right, I was never there for her or showing enough love. I confessed my problems to her again and she was heartbroken and this obviously added to my pain but I read about betrayal trauma.
So right now, I have convinced her that I am clean and have been for a few months. Which isn't true. I have been on 1 and 2 weeks streaks with bad chasers in between. I also promised to seek help from an expert near me but I never did. I can't bring myself to hurt her by telling her but I also know that she is being hurt indirectly because she knows something is up. I tried to find therapists near but I have read on forums that they arent useful. I am hoping that joining this forum will help but I am really struggling and I cant seem to beat this.
Right now I have been trying cold showers, journaling, eating clean, reading YBOP and forums. I haven't tried contributing to this forum, speaking to a therapist, proper exercise (as I have postural problems which cause extreme pain).