pJerry's log

Hey fellow fapstronauts,

So, I'm already at day six of porn abstinence. I also reduced my masturbation frequency simply because I'm having trouble masturbating without porn. And this is already the core issue. I suspect that I'm suffering of porn induced ED.

So far, staying away from porn has been rather easy. Yesterday and today I have been especially horny and yesterday I had an episode of really strong craving. I overcame this craving by posting to the forum over at nofap.com. In general, keeping journal is actually helping a lot. Also, reading about the experiences of others is very helpful for me.

Other than that, I already kinda have experience with letting go of addictions. I stopped smoking, drinking and weed. I'm also very sensitive to caffeine which is why I cut down on coffee and tea, too. Even though it's not an addiction, I also don't eat meat. Besides that I also regularly meditate. So, I hope this will help me overcoming this issue.

I'm really thrilled to experience my new sexuality. Looking forward to many days of a new life.

Cheers guys

pJerry

Welcome pjerry

Good luck with this. I hope your reboot works

pjerry, I personally found that cravings were often strong after about 6 to 7 days of abstinence.  Then they seem to diminish somewhat after that.  They might come back from time to time, of course, but the point is that cravings do not seem to be linear, and so when you are in the midst of one, I think it is helpful to realize that if you can just get through it, it will diminish or change in a few hours, or maybe a day or so.

All the best to you in your rebooting efforts.  Stay strong.

Hey guys,

thanks for your input challenged and Perseverance. It's really cool to see I'm not alone in this.

The cravings have subsided after I had sex with my girlfriend. It was also easier than usual to get and maintain an erection. I wouldn't say that's because of my abstinence though. However, I've noticed something else. I feel really tired all the time and it's almost like I'm in physical pain. I actually have sore muscles from some excercise on Saturday and I might be a little dehydrated, too. So, the physical symptoms might not exactly come from porn abstinence. I am, however, also pretty cranky and irritable. This might actually come from the lack of an excessive dopamine kick.

I have given up porn about a week ago (yay!) and I've cut down on masturbation and orgasms. Instead of several times daily, I intend to do it a few times per week. So far, I'm fine. Some fapstronauts might think that's actually inconsequential but I don't care about that right now. The information I have says that the main issue is constant novelty which in turn causes excessive dopamine release. I will try and see where I'm getting with my approach.

Anyway, this week went by pretty fast and apart from a little crankiness and cravings, it was okay.

I think the irritability and crankiness is very common when people are in the early stages of giving up porn.  As some have pointed out, it's something to embrace to some extent, as it confirms that your brain is changing.

That makes absolute sense. Didn't think about it like that.

[Trigger warning, I'm using language that might be a little too graphic for you. It's only three words though and I think it's okay I use them in that context.]

Wow, I just had a really strong experience. I read in a forum post about a guy who relapsed because he wanted to check if he already had it under control. He went to a porn site and immediately started edging. When I read that it felt like a really tempting challenge. I felt confident that it wouldn't be a problem to me. I really had to control myself to not go and check it out. In fact, I'm still a tiny bit tempted to see if I could take it. It's as if I was Michael Jordan in his best years and some guy half my size (the porn) just told me he was a better player than I am.

It's absolutely crazy how temptation can crawl up your back and then hit you from behind. Even now, minutes later, it's changing from the challenge temptation to memories of how beautiful the images were and how I enjoyed it. Wow, this has really, really affected me.
And I'm also realizing something funny. This is very similar to when I stopped using cannabis. When I stopped smoking weed, I had to get rid of this idea which I formed in the first days of being a stoner. Back then, I would sit around with friends and we would imagine having our own weed plantation. We thought living off of drug money and being high all day must be paradise. Funny thing is, I just realized that I have never even envisioned a life without those artificial beauties. In fact, there is some part of me who actually believed that they would some day be real and that I would do all those things with them and have all the fun in the world.
Wow, I never thought about what this actually means. Think about it, I've covered up my own sexuality with a candy world full of breasts, asses and vaginas! I always believed this was me but I haven't got a single clue what my sexuality actually is like because I've used porn excessively before even having sex for the first time.
This is sad in a way. But then again it's not. I had a lot of pleasure. But it's like with most of these things. They're great as long as they don't do damage. If the price gets too high, you should stop. I realized a little late that I paid far too much. But hey, it's life, we're human and we do stupid things. It's part of the ride.

Man, I'm just realizing even more. How twisted is this world? There are thousands of women working in porn. I don't know what this life does to them but I guess most of them suffer from the consequences of their job. And then there's us, the customers. We're hooked on the dopamine that the industry is producing. This is so absurd ...

I will go and meditate now. Then play Psychonauts or read a book.

Good luck to all the other fapstronauts out there.

So, I've reached day ten of no porn and I made some observations that, I think, are worth sharing. This is the most important observation: Letting go of porn is a lot more like letting go of cigarettes than any other drug I've "had the pleasure with". I haven't done anything other than alcohol, weed and cigarettes but I'm not doing any of those today. I stopped smoking seven years ago.  Drinking and weed had to go, almost to the day, three years ago. So, I'm lucky enough to have some experience with rebooting my brain from drug abuse.

So, how are cigarettes similar to porn? Well, it's the way I experience cravings. With alcohol and weed I was mostly tempted in situations where I used to drink or smoke. The cravings were strong and particularly so when I was around people that were using those drugs. Cigarettes I craved far more often. I wanted to smoke in all kinds of situations and the cravings were also different. With alcohol I would and sometimes "miss" the sensation of a cold beer pouring down my throat or the taste of a good white wine. With weed I would and still do "miss" the relaxed act of smoking weed (I didn't use tobacco in the end) and then just enjoying myself and feeling all cozy. This is actually a little funny since I smoked far too much in the end and therefore I was almost never relaxed. I was much more often hyperactive, anxious and angry.
With cigarettes I would either see myself in a particular situation, e.g. a social gathering, and imagine myself with a cigarette, or I would have strong physical cravings. A feeling in my body that was like an internal push or nudge. A feeling of intention and an urge for cigarettes that just felt right. My whole body was affirming that action. With porn, it's a lot like that.
Since my last post the feeling has also become a lot like a challenge. A feeling of "Hey, you know you're good with resisting temptations. You've survived cigarettes, alcohol and weed. You'll be able to handle a tiny glimpse at one image. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Remember how good it felt? One glimpse won't hurt!". This is just the rationalization of a feeling. I can actually emotionally remember how good it felt. I know how beautiful those curves were.
In fact, that idea was present with smoking as well. I attempted to get rid off smokes at least four times (probably more). Sometimes, I lived without them for months and then relapsed because I thought: "You've always had a smoke with a beer. What is a beer without a smoke? I overwhelmed the addiction, I'm king of my urges now. One cigarette won't hurt.". That happened at least twice. The other time it was a lot like that because I didn't want to give up smoking weed with tobacco. Man, was I crazy about smoking a joint back then.
What's also very similar to cigarettes: I've felt shitty for the most part of the last four days. Irritable, demotivated and tired, and above all that inner "where the fuck is the point in... anything?!". It got better yesterday and today I'm even better again. Still, it's a lot like cigarettes only a little worse. With cigarettes I was mostly just irritable.

So, what's the message to take from here? Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news first. I've relapsed a lot with cigarettes. Of all my vices, giving up cigarettes has been toughest for me so far and smoking is not even the most central human drive. After all, we are fighting with our misled drive to procreate.  Here's the good news though: Of all my vices, it taught me best how to really let go of something that is so deeply integrated in your understanding of yourself that you see a cigarette glued to your hand every time you think about yourself. An addiction that is so tied to your neurochemistry that it is almost physically painful to let go. Giving up nicotine taught me how to let go. As simple as that.
It also was the beginning of a period of my life where I would reinvent myself. That period is still ongoing. One integral part of this period has been letting go of stuff that dragged me down, did damage to me and just didn't lead me anywhere. I'm a new person because more than seven years ago I started a battle. I fought that battle for a long time and I was successful. Not because I was already strong but because I failed over and over again. This is no joke, I truly believe, what really made me successful was that trying and trying trained my ability to let go or at least wrestle down the beast. Willpower is a lot like a muscle. Sounds like awesome news to me because as long as I keep trying with attainable goals, I can't lose, it's impossible.

Good luck to you guys out there.

I've managed to stay away from porn for almost two weeks. What's really cool is that the irritability, the demotivation and the feeling that nothing makes sense have almost entirely vanished. The temptation to watch porn doesn't come up as often but it seems to be getting stronger. Or am I getting tired? Also, the temptation is rarely anymore a memory of how beautiful it was. It's more like a rationalization. I argue with myself, if I should do it or not.
Here's an example of how this works:The last time I logged into my porn tumblr, I posted "The great porn experiment". I also decided to reblog it from my own blog every now and then to spread the word. Well, since yesterday that is coming up as an excuse to log into my tumblr. Problem is, as soon as I do that, I will see porn. I guess, I will go back some day and reblog it but not yet.
Yesterday, I also read a book and in that book there is a woman who is harassed via email by a stalker. He sends her a porn pic of a submissive woman with the victims face pasted on the face of the actress. The description of that image was a major trigger and it wasn't even very graphic. After reading that, I was unable to focus properly on reading the book. I honestly struggled with myself. It was crazy.
I'm also alone these days. My girlfriend is travelling this weekend. Usually, I would use the time on my own to watch a lot of porn, especially in the mornings. That's actually the time when I did it most regularly. Well, so it's no surprise I almost gave in this morning. For a fraction of a second I had already given into that reality, it was there, I felt it with every single part of my being. Luckily, I pulled myself back out of of it somehow. I don't know how I did that but I suspect that my meditation practice helped me to notice that I was slipping.

In a way, I'm already waiting for the day that I will slip. That's probably due to the fact that I don't have an entirely negative image of relapse. Of course, I don't want to relapse but it just means to pick myself up and try again. As long as I don't relapse into old patterns and keep trying, things are going to work out. I will experience my own sexuality for the first time of my life. Same will happen if I don't relapse only not as quickly, I guess. Anyway, I'm giving my best.

Good luck to you guys.

I like your analogy to smoking cigarettes. That's something I quit many years ago and I still feel the temptation creep up on me. In fact, I sometimes seek out smokers to just smell the smoke. Or I'll pick up paper, pencils, pens and hold them like a cigarette.  And then move to take a drag...I can almost feel it!  Yet I haven't smoked in 15 years. It will always tempt me and I only remember the "good times".

Same here. Yet I deal with it differently. I know the health benefits of not smoking. Yet the benefits of no porn are subjective. Can I control it to the point I don't get diminishing results?  Maybe. But I'm not gonna try.

I realize now that porn companies are dealing us a drug. And we are taking it. They offer it for free and if only one out of 100 people actually pay for it the they are hugely successful. They lure many in with the free samples and create addicts to a drug that we require more and more of. I choose not to participate. I choose to live life as we should and enjoy a world without (as best I can) artificial stimulation. I still use my phone, my iPad, my tv. But for P no more!

The more you get and ignore the cravings the better. You get stronger and your brain begins to realize that it's no longer a trigger. Hold your girlfriend tightly and show her you love her. Make that your new trigger! 

And realize temptation from time to time wil happen and is normal. Don't "just check"!!!!  You are fulfilling a desire that your brain has been conditioned to and actually satisfying the wrong wiring.

It was never beautiful. Picture yourself as a spectator watching yourself PMO. Now there's a negative image!

Hey pd38,

thanks for your support. I'm still on a different page with some of the things you say. Sorry, to me it was a beautiful experience. No one here can honestly deny that PMOing IS a nice experience. I mean, why do it? Just because we have an orgasm? Then why did we start jerking off to it in the first place? I would agree that not all porn is beautiful and it's not beautiful like a sunset or a girl smiling at you. Who knows, chances are that I'm romanticizing and idealizing. My latest experience with porn was actually evidence in that direction (more on that in my next journal entry). But I won't deny that I enjoyed it. If I deny that just because I can't deal with the intensity of the sense experience then what keeps me from denying the beauty of all other sense experiences? I mean, aren't we walking sensors? And there's more to it than that.
I agree that I'm wired wrong but what are we talking about here? Is it wrong wiring to get horny because I see a beautiful woman? Is it wrong to feel horny because I see something that makes me horny? I don't think so. This is a fine line but as far as I understood the damage stems from images that are more sexual than reality. Images, that I consume in private, no other sense input than audio and visual, a voyeuristic experience with clicks, tabs and pixels. That in contrast to a real person, smells, touches, warmth and above all emotional connection; that is the issue, isn't it?

Don't get me wrong - porn is too much stimulus for our brain. It's like eating a cup full of sugar. The taste is great but it's just too much. Only slowly increasing the dose will make that much sugar bearable and that will at the same time make everything else taste boring.
Was it wrong to fall for porn? Yes and no. Yes, it was a mistake. But is something wrong with me? Am I weak or despicable for walking into this trap? I mean, I saw warning signs and I ignored them. Still, the answer is no. I just made a mistake and that's all there is to it. I will try to learn from this experience and change my life. However, if I deny the force of attraction porn had on me as a sexual being, then I deny that part of myself that was made to enjoy these things. I also deny that part of the responsibility for this issue is not mine. Other people created porn, they benefit from the way my brain developed, from the way I developed. I was born into a world that already had a massive porn industry, that already had a backwards oriented sexual education. How was I supposed to learn these things? How was I supposed to do the right thing?

I agree about holding my girl though. I do that as much as I can and it feels good. Currently, making out with her is the only thing that really makes me feel desire. I share my experiences with her, she knows everything about my difficulties with porn. I think, she is really happy that I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. And I'm happy about that too.

Thanks again for your input, pd38. I really appreciate your critical view of what I write. Maybe I will see things differently after some time. Until then, I hope you can accept that I see things differently.

Cheers!

So, against all recommendations by other people and my own good reasoning, I did it. I logged into my tumblr, reblogged "The great porn experiment" and looked at some of the stuff that was on my blog. Here's how that went.

First of all though, Yay! I made 14 days without even looking at porn before this. Additionally, I didn't have an orgasm or jerked off while looking at it. I looked at for maybe half a minute. It was about four pics. How did I feel? Hm, it was a mixed thing. When I logged into my account, my heart was beating like crazy, I was excited and it definitely was a lot of anticipation but when I saw the pictures, it didn't feel the same. It was not the nice feeling that I had remembered (  pd38 ;D  ). It was actually disappointing. I thought, "What the hell made me post this stuff? THIS made me feel good?". A very strange experience. Then I logged out. And then I almost automatically started masturbating. And it was a strange experience as well. So far, it has become more and more possible to feel what's going on in my body while MOing. This time, no way. In the beginning I felt something but then I starting to become numb and immediately, my I automaticall switched to porn in my head! And suddenly, I felt something again! I think, I witnessed part of the rewiring my brain has developed over time.

Of course, all this totally ruined it for me. So, I stopped and endured the frustration, the disappointment and the recurring impulse to start jerking off again. Then I got up.

So, here's the interesting question. Do I count that as a relapse? I'm not sure. I can find arguments in both directions. Sure, I looked at porn. I masturbated afterwards and some of the images I had seen were going through my mind when I did it. So, I reactivated the pathways I don't need anymore. I also intentionally did it. It was not by accident. Then again, the reactivation can't have been as intense as it has been before. I didn't even edge, so the real good dopamine shot didn't occur. Most importantly, though, I also intentionally stopped masturbating simply because it didn't feel right and I didn't enjoy it.

Let's translate that to an alcoholic. Basicall, I went into a bar, met with people ordered a beer, reenacted past habits i.e. tried to enjoy myself with these old patterns. I actually even nipped. I didn't get drunk though. *sigh* Well, I brought myself into the danger of seriously relapsing. I will consider this a relapse, even though I think it's not all that black and white and I'm still very critical about this whole relapsing thing. I will not consider this some kind of failure. Actually, I think it's good I didn't completely give in. However, I think, it's best if I make sure it doesn't happen again.

Cheers.

You exhibited a conditioned response to the stimulus of porn. 

What we consider a relapse is subjective. I'm glad you are willing to realize what your boundaries are and move on!

Trust me, you'll bounce back and forth between seeing porn as beautiful and not for a while. Maybe even forever. A meth user sees the individual highs as beautiful, otherwise they would quit immediately. Once it takes a toll on the body and they begin to "show" the addiction it is no longer beautiful to anyone but the user. It's all a mind game

Good luck!  Stay as far away from triggers as you can.

Hey guys,

it's been a while and I don't have much time. Here's what happened in the last few days.

1. I don't know if you knew but I had just finished studying and was looking for a job. I found one! Because of that, I'm in a really great mood. Shit is happening in my life. That's always good.

2. I haven't intentionally sought out porn since my last little excursion to my old tumblr. So, it's been a week since I last intentionally looked at porn and it's been 21 days since I had an orgasm while looking at it. And I have to say, I feel great about it. Yesterday, I felt like I could do anything! Went swimming, took care of some paper work, helped a friend with his bar (carrying crates of beer and pops around for an hour) and then hung out with a few guys. Usually, I feel pretty tired after a day like this. This was different. I still was tired in the evening but it was nothing compared to how I usually feel after a hard day. I didn't feel drained. I just felt like I needed some sleep soon. I'm not sure if this is because I'm highly anticipating my new job or because of the swimming or because my reward system is maybe recovering. Maybe it's all of the above.

3. I really think my reward system is changing. Why? Well, I was never really turned on or interested in female singers who would use an overly sexual body language. That changed. It's starting to really catch my attention.

4. Here's the downside. I still have a regular tumblr where I post all kinds of stuff. Well, while I was looking for new blogs to follow, I stumbled over porn. It was not even a porn blog. It was a woman who also posted pictures of her daughter. I actually was interested in her blog because there were all kinds of funny gifs on it. So, when checked her posts, suddenly there was a women in latex. And latex is one of my fetishes. I was immediately excited, not really aroused though. Of course I didn't stop scrolling. And there was more porn. Every, thirty posts either a nude woman and one or two full-fledged hardcore porn gifs. I stopped after like half an hour of madly scrolling through her blog. I actually followed her (not for the porn, I told myself). I didn't masturbate or anything. When I stopped, I went to bed being all confused and wanting to look at more porn. Didn't do it though. Next day, I unfollowed her blog without even looking at another porn pic. So, I don't consider this a relapse. I was triggered by something that I'm trained to be triggered by but I managed to stay away from the really damaging behavior patterns. Porn 1, pJerry 2. I'm still one step ahead, since I'm not going into the danger zone and not seeking out porn on purpose.

5. Another thing that keeps my mind busy: I'm playing more video games than before. Video games cause a similar craving although not as strong. I'm not playing hours and hours, maybe one or two hours a day. I can't be sure though, I'm not stopping the time. Will do that in the future, though.

6. My erection problems are still pretty much present and, I think, I will have to completely stop masturbating. I think, I'm just very desensitzed. I came this morning. So, I will stay away from my dick until Friday morning. That's 48 hours without masturbation. When I get there, I will think about the next step.

Okay, gotta go. Later!

Hello again,

so, I managed to get to 48 hours without orgasm without any problems. Since that's usually no big deal for me, I decided to go further. Turns out, going further is much more difficult. Not in terms of craving or being horny, actually I'm not horny at all, might be flatlining; It's difficult in terms of withdrawal.
It's a lot like my second week off porn. I'm going to go swimming with my girlfriend tomorrow. I hope this will help with the bad mood.

I think, I will keep up the orgasm restriction. I only want to have an orgasm if I'm actually horny. This might not take too long since I'm also having more wet dreams than usual, lately. Also, I would like to wait until my morning wood returns.

One more observation. Even though I feel shitty, I know my brain is already changing. Why? Well, today I was hypnotized by an illustration of a woman in clothes. I was staring at her boobs for a few seconds. Why is this such a big deal? Because I never used to do that.

So, these are two signs that my brain is changing. I'm thrilled to see where this is going. I hope it won't take too long.

Cheers

Hey fellow sufferers,

guess what, I managed to go a month and three days without having an orgasm while looking at porn. In fact, it's been two weeks now since I inentionally looked at porn. Furthermore, I have reduced the frequency of masturbating from between 6 and 20 times a week to about three times a week! That's a reduction of about 5 to 6 times. That's great! I'm also feeling the first signs of recovery: My morning wood is slowly returning and I'm starting to feel actually horny (without erection though) throughout the day.

I feel really good about this. Compared to a number of guys in the forum here, I'm taking a really relaxed approach. I'm still masturbating regularly, so, I'm only porn abstinent. The fact that I still see recovery feels reassuring. It strengthens my initial idea of a successful recovery one step at a time by setting achievable goals. I think, I would have had more trouble if I had been completely abstinent right away.

Alright, let's see where this is going in the end.

Later!

Hey brother. I just read through your entire thread and wanted to thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. There seem to be to approaches to reboot: hard reboot (no PMO); and incremental (relaxed) reboot. Given what you've written, it seems the latter approach is working for you. Regardless, I'm happy you're making progress and feeling good about yourself. That's really what it's all about regardless of how we get there. You mentioned feeling tired and some other symptoms that may be withdrawal. You might want to read, "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson as the book helped me understand the effects high-speed screen stimulation has on our brains. Be strong brother. I look forward to following your journey. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.