When porn is one of many problems

How many of you are dealing with a porn addiction that is worse, if not caused, by other problems? 

Medical problems have caused me to be "socially handicapped" in various ways.  The first problem is neurological/ocular (vision) in nature but undiagnosed because every specialist I've been to is completely dumbfounded.  They've never seen a patient with my symptoms.  Since I was a young child, my hand/eye and sometimes hand/eye/leg coordination is very poor -- preventing my participation in most "outdoor" activities even though I can walk, run, and a ride a bike just fine.  The general consensus is that my brain is slow to respond to certain stimuli in a fast-paced setting.  The other problem was diagnosed in high school (i'm 31 now) as a mild case of Narcolepsy.  I fatigue easily and don't sleep well at night.  What would be 8 hours of sleep to you is 4 to 6 hours to me because I don't go through the sleep stages properly.  The lack of proper sleep results in feeling nauseous most days, often lethargic, and sometimes I get heart palpitations.  Not fun.

As a result of my hand/eye/leg coordination problem, I am not even minimally competent to participate in the following activities:
Swimming, Wakeboarding, Surfing, Snowboarding, Skiing, Skateboarding, Rollerblading, Ice Skating, Baseball, Softball, Football, Soccer, Hockey, Tennis, Golfing, Bowling, Tabletop Pool, Playing Video Games, or even Fishing.  Under water I feel really disoriented and overcompensate.  With sports, I have trouble throwing and catching a ball.  Video games I can't process what I'm seeing fast enough to react with the controller.  Skateboarding or skating, I can't keep my balance.  With fishing, I can't cast a reel to save my life.  Most people themselves do not excel in these activities, but they are capable enough to avoid danger and enjoy themselves.  Not me. 

The sleep issues are a much greater challenge in terms of basic social interaction.  By 7 or 8pm, I start to fade as my medication begins to wear off.  I can't take additional medication or drink caffeine to stay awake because it disturbs my sleep patterns even further.  Watching movies at home or going to a movie theater are not possible because I will fall asleep.  I need to stay moving around and/or be underneath bright lights to keep my eyes open at night.  I'm not supposed to consume alcohol because it interferes with my sleep medication.  This is where it gets ugly for me, and to be honest, it's much worse with women.  Declining the opportunity to see a movie or grab a beer is taken as the ultimate insult by the ladies.  They perceive this as my way of avoiding them, telling them I'm not interested, being rude, playing games, you name it.  In house settings like a party or BBQ, I can't sit down and get too comfortable without nodding off.  Standing up or walking around outside is a good way to fight that off, but again, whoever I'm with (men or women) find this odd.  People tell me I make them nervous by always standing up in their homes.  I try to explain why but they aren't always convinced.

What ruins any possibility of a long-term friendship (or relationship) is when I have to decline their suggestion that we go swimming/snowboarding/play softball/whatever together.  This is not received well because I already decline their invitation to go to movie theaters, bars, clubs, and other dark places that make me sleepy at night.  People see this as me trying to avoid them completely.  And you know what?  I don't blame them for feeling like they do.  I understand the conflict in their minds.

So the loneliness and isolation has taken its toll on me.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting trying to make and preserve relationships with other people.  I don't like being alone and for years I've self-medicated by watching porn.  This is a destructive path I must overcome. 

I would appreciate any suggestions (or experiences of your own) because I've met nobody facing similar challenges. 

Dear 147mrmw,

reading your story makes me very sad and my first reaction would have been to pity you with sincere honesty. But then again...would that help? You don't need any more pity, any more words of understanding and regrets. You mentioned a problem and asked for a solution, so here is my contribution:

Whenever people feel helpless at their lives falling apart, I always recommend to deal with one problem at a time. We cannot fight war at several fronts or we will fail in all of them and watch our issues closing in on us and revealing new battlegrounds. At the moment you suffer from both: your medical problems and your porn addiction. Fighting the latter is hard for you due to the former. But you can't do it the other way round I'm afraid, so is there any other chance? But if you succeed (and your registration here is the first huge step towards this goal - you'll see!) you are bound to realize the negative aspects of your medical problems fade a little, too.

My hint for you might be hard to take, but please approach the idea as un-emotional as you possibly can:
Your medical condition must not be an excuse for your porn addiction

Listen, show me the one member here who says "oh snap, I can't explain that! My life has always been so happy and perfect. I have had no reason to watch porn, but still I did! How could this be possible? It seems I just watch porn because, well, for no reason at all...". What I mean is, we all have our reasons, but in fact they are all excuses disguised as reasons. Please understand me, I do not say you are dumb for blaming your handicaps. It's completely natural and it's more than comprehensible. But it can be as logical as you like: the connection between the two issues won't help you with anything.  It all comes back to the Thomas Theorem: If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences. That said, suffering or happiness, danger or chance, it is all defined in your mind. And it's not comparable to the situation of others. I'll give you an example: Take the random guy who PMO's because for the third time in two years, his girlfriend quit. And he's like "world is so unfair to me! No one likes me, I'll die alone" so he faps as if that solved his problem. You look at these guys and shake your head because YOU are the one who could say that. And in your mind it all makes perfect sense: you are the victim, whereas he could change something in his life to become happier. Now then there's the guy who failed at his exams in high school - again. He PMO's because he feels like he's a hopeless case and is never going to get a good job. The guy with his 3 ex-gfs will say: "what do you know about suffering? You just need to sit down and learn! How could I ever get a girlfriend to stay?". And at last (sorry for the extreme example) there is this who guy got out of jail after 10 years for sexual harrassment of a woman (or worse). And he's sure he will never ever have a girlfriend in his life, because women hate him and he couldn't control himself anyway (a severe mental condition if you will). So what could he do if not PMO'ing? What would he say about you? He might say "don't be sad...you still have a chance to find someone. It's hard, but it's possible. Look at me instead!".

Seriously, no intention to talk down your medical problems! But what I want to say is: there is always a better and there is always a worse. But in the end, we all experience our suffering the same way. Our mind is hardly able to relate problems to those of other people. The high school kid can suffer as bad as you do. He regards his affliction as severe, so it is severe in his consequences. Same for you, my friend.

You've had your lines in this thread to complain about your situation...it simply had to be written here and I bet expressing your feelings (anger and despair, even if you chose an even-tempered tone) helped you a lot. But now, this chapter is over. You revert the process! You accept a new truth, a new reality. In this reality everything is possible and there is nothing you have to blame your condition for. Situation is crap, sure. But you deal with it. Or even better: you find solutions! I'm not just saying this, believe me, but you are so going to find the woman who understands you and loves you even if you can't do sports or go out on dates in the evening. You have your powers just like everybody else has. Play your trump card, go out there and be a man. Self-pity is not an option and let me make that clear one more time: it just doesn't matter if pity is justifiable or not. This question simply is not raised anymore.

Now that we've put your medical condition aside, what's left is a man in his early thirties suffering from a porn addiction. No difference to all the others here. I deprive you of your protection shield, because it's only in the way. Become one of us - no excuses. No one is better or worse, we all have the same problem: high-school kid to ex-inmate. Deal with your addiction. Stop your porn consumption. Find healthier ways to induldge yourself. Re-gain your strength and try some of the things you consider impossible (like asking a girl out for a ride with the bike at afternoon). But separate your porn addiction from your medical problems! As long as the two of them are bound together, it will be a lot tougher (if not impossible) to fight either of them.

Good luck, brother...from the bottom of my heart!

Chaos Mind put it down fantastically.

I'll put maybe one more (or maybe from a different angle) thing. Your question, "how to deal with it", is a bit premature as regards PMO rebooting.

There are guys here who made a big effort to reboot and stumble into problems, sometimes they deal with them on their own, sometimes they write about them here, just as you did saying: (sometimes) "I did a reboot, this and that is better, but I still have a heck of a problem with "xyz", how do I get on from here?"

I'd say: REBOOT. And see what happens! It will be very difficult, as it is for EVERYONE. But this just open doors. It opens doors within yourself, you start to know your true self, you start thinking, you start solving. It might be that a solid reboot will open your eyes to how you can deal with your situation. It will give you more courage and strength to stand up to who you are and make people around.

I'm sure there is a lady out there who would like very much like to be with you, despite any of your conditions or problems, or maybe just because of them. But you need to make a move first. Not on the lady. On yourself.

Yep have to agree with ChaosMind again. Realize that porn doesn't solve any of your problems. So stop using it as an escape from them.

Thanks for the replies. I do appreciate them.

I need to revise the wording in my original post to make a proper distinction.  The medical issues themselves, while problematic, are not really the issue, it's the resulting social complications that have pushed me to watching (and becoming addicted) to porn.  In other words, Narcolepsy for me isn't really a huge problem.  Finding ways to help people understand my limitations is.  The same applies for my other problems.  I'm lacking in the skill set to accomplish this.  A few additional thoughts if you wouldn't mind: 

1.  There's no doubt in my mind killing the porn habit will be beneficial.  I've realized from the beginning that it was a destructive mistake. 

2.  If I had to guess at this point, removing porn will (hopefully) remove about 25-40% of my problems.  I'm not complaining about that possibility -- not at all -- but it differs from many porn addicts who speak as if their lives, relationships, and self-control improved 80-90%.  The reason I bring this up is because...

3.  Over the years, I've wondered if I would succumb to another addiction if it wasn't porn.  I've never been addicted to anything besides porn.  And it's probably good that I avoid alcohol because of my sleep medications.  I've never used any illicit drugs so that's a good thing as well.  Nevertheless, do you guys know of examples where guys have replaced Porn with another destructive addiction?  I want to be prepared and guard myself if the urges come.

4.  Those who have self-medicated with porn in the past -- what happens when your "supply" dries up?  The underlying problems are still there.  Does this lead to feelings of depression and/or anxiety because the porn is gone?  I'm wondering what to expect. 

Hi There.  Things do sound tough for you, and I can totally understand why you would turn to porn for comfort.  I certainly turn to porn to comfort me - and I can see you're up against some particularly tough things.

I would say though, that even a 25-40% improvement, sounds pretty big to me.  It's worth asking yourself, I think, leaving aside what others get: would that amount of improvement be worth giving up for?  Only you can truly answer that.

There's no doubt 25-40% would be great, but I have to remember that I'm pulling numbers out of thin air. Who knows how much of a difference it will make.

Given my other problems I don't know if this is enough to prevent me from replacing one addiction for another. I definitely don't want that.

Seems to me that you have a lot of - pretty understandable - anxieties about giving up.  I remember when I first tried (and I had a few years porn free in my late 20's...) I had all kinds of fears.  I felt like I might kind of explode - how would I cope without it?  I guess what occurs to me is that you have no way of knowing unless you try.  As you say yourself, you pulled 25 -40% out of thin air - maybe you are even one of the 80%ers!  It might be better than you think,rather than worse.  I guess the only way you'll know is by trying.

So, the way I see it, you have a choice.  You could stay looking at porn.  At least you know what that's like.  It might not be great, but at least it's familiar.  You know where you are with it.  Or you could take a risk, and give up.  The choice is yours, and I for one would be supportive of either decision.  I guess it depends just how bad the porn is affecting your life.  Hey maybe it would be worth making a list of all the bad things about giving up porn and all the good things?  Might help you know if it's worth it.

Whatever you do, I sincerely wish you all the best.  Will.

You ask us to give a forecast for what you will have to face when quitting porn. Well, you may spend your time reading through tons of journals and make a list of all the evil emotions you might have to deal with. But will that improve anything? Raise this question, for example: "Why do I need to know the negative side effects?". Your answer is: I want to be prepared, but truth is you cannot prepare yourself at all. Any preparation, in my opinion and metaphorically spoken, would lead to you sending all your soldiers to the expected battlefields while remaining undefended at places you wouldn't expect problems at all. Also, the answer to the question could be "I want to know if this is really worth it". When you ask a question, you've got to deal with the answer. But there shall not be any scenario that leads to you abandoning your plans!

Here's my suggestion:
Don't expect anything at all. Forget about the side effects. Your reboot does not contain a patient information sheet.
Do it. Reboot! Open your journal, talk with us about what you experience - good or bad. Share with others and you will recieve motivation and understanding instead of pity and excuses.

Good luck