A Slow Turning

At 53 I'm done with hyperbole and big promises with regard to this issue that has consumed me for most of my adult life. It is the all too common trajectory of Playboys to VCRs to the internet. I can see that my issues extend back to before I ever looked a a porn image. I have fooled and lied to myself (and others) I have pushed people and rewarding situations away. I've more often than not chosen to wank in a fantasy world rather than build relationships or work on self improvement. I've been on other anti porn support sites and posted a bunch of BS. I've been to therapy, twelve step groups I still struggle. I think the longest I've ever gone without PMO is somewhere between 60 and 90 days and I want to say that was about 10 years ago. That was definitely an outlying time period. Since the age of 25 I'd have to say my average was a week. It of course is never a hit and run thing either. I've lost days and months in the the grip of this malady.

I've been married for 25 years have 4 kids and am well liked. People think I'm good looking (for a old man). I work in a helping profession and really enjoy what I do. As with most helping professions it does not pay the best. I have been a stay at home dad for 10+ years in the past, and have been supportive of my very smart and driven wife. I'm socially awkward and sexually repressed (in real life). I probably have some social anxiety. I've struggled with long bouts of depression and have used porn to medicate myself. I have let down the people that I love because of my pre-occupation with porn. I have missed a lot in life, being physically present but somewhere else in my mind. I could have been so much more "I could have been someone. I could have been a contender" Thank you Marlon Brando. I could not resist that.

I have a lot of tools in the kit to fight this rank thing. I have have just chosen not to use them. I just M'd to P a half hour ago. The familiar feeling of regret, knowing right now that it is all a lie. In a couple hours or days or maybe even weeks I'll forget that. That is where this journal comes in.

I'm going to use this to remember that it is all a lie. I'm going to try to be helpful in this internet community too. My user name and the title of this journal is A Slow Turning. It has been slow. I need to speed things up a bit. Tomorrow I will begin a 100 day reboot. No Fap is the term I believe. I will only O in relations with my wife. I am fortunate that at my age with as much porning as I have done I don't have ED and I have a beautiful wife who deserves all of me. She knows that I have used P but she has not caught me in awhile. She is left with knowing that there is something wrong although we do have some right things between us too. She has no idea how far in the abyss I've been.

Anyway, tomorrow I begin and in the right spirit I'm not going to binge out today!

Thats what I got today.

Good for you!  I also work in a helping profession.  My husband has maintained that if I had not had the drive and the job I have, we would not have made it through and he would have been left alone.

I would say that one of the first things is to talk to your wife.  I discovered the use so he had no choice but have me along for the ride.  And yes it is emotional, but any problem approached with two makes it easier.  And I found I needed to do things that I would discuss with a client to do if they were in the situation.  I would say though she does not have to know about "sex with goats".  Meaning she does not have to know what you were "into".  Whether you have problems with ED or not, she knows that something is not right.  And even if you have an erection, the lovemaking is not the same.  It does help to know.  I thought my husband was having an affair or wanted a divorce.  So please know she does know. 

You will be amazed at how things will change!  Keep up with the good thoughts and good work!

Gracie said:

  My husband has maintained that if I had not had the drive and the job I have, we would not have made it through and he would have been left alone.

Click to expand...

Thanks for your reply and encouragement Gracie. I feel the same way as your husband!

My wife used to catch me regularly using p and it did a lot of damage. She threatened to kick me out but would/could not do it. These days we have a don't ask don't tell policy. I've gotten really good at covering my tracks and she is busy in her career and we are both busy parenting our adolescent children. So I know that she knows but she does not want to know and pretends she doesn't. Does that make any sense? She flat out told me a long time ago that she does not buy that p is an addiction in spite of a ton of evidence to the contrary. She told me that at the end of the day she loves me inferring that she would endure this but she wishes I'd stop. We have a HUGE codependent thing going on and I think both of us are  afraid of what we might find if we got past this codependency. I've decided I want to quit this and I know this will go a long way toward making things better.  I'm happy  that she is doing some of her work on her own issues. I know that this p thing is going to have to be brought to the table again. I'm just not ready yet. I'm just flat out terrified! There is a lot of fear involved in this affliction. I'm hoping with some distance I'll become more courageous.

Aslow,

Welcome to RN. I hope you can find the support and caring individuals that I have encountered here. It has been such a help to me as I have worked through this thing. I haven't had the success you have had in terms of number of days but it has been only recently that I have made my push to leave this addition behind. My thoughts are with you.

Peace

Bob,

Thanks for reaching out and for your welcome. We can do this!

So today I'm feeling OK. I struggle with fantasy. At work I had brief, pleasant interaction with a female colleague. She looked nice and had her makeup on well. I walked away feeling good only because it was pleasant and then BOOM! my mind went in the gutter and I started fantasizing. I shut it off because I know how this builds into a slip. It never fails. I'm better about not beating myself up when these things happen. This condition feeds on shame. In line with my meditation practice, I packaged the thought, observed it, and then watched it leave my consciousness.  This rather that getting caught up in in it. I feel good about that.

One of the things I'm in touch with today is anger. I really am a very fortunate man but I go around feeling sorry for myself and act like the world owes me something and somehow I've been cheated by life. Anger is definitely at work in my IP use. It's one of those feelings I modulate with P. Taking it down. Happy to be P free today!

Welcome to the forum. I very much relate to what you say about anger. I have always had quite a lot of deep rooted negativity within myself and I am not too sure where it all comes from. Been doing some 'self affirmation' work which basically helps me to understand that despite all my flaws and negative behaviours, I have infinite worth in a spritual sense. I think a lot of my anger stems from feelings of worthlessness and being angry towards myself, rather than anybody else. Just my experience with anger, not saying yours will be the same as mine

Keep posting and keep up the good work!

Thanks for posting on my thread camus. I think there is a lot of common processes and cycles that we have in common.

Speaking of cycles, today I' struggling with guilt, doubt and feeling overwhelmed. It's been three days and some hours and without fail I'm looking at everything I blew off while in my addiction. Relationships, physical fitness, chores that need to be done, self improvement, job stuff, spiritual practice. These are all things that make up a good life. It is at this time that I see all of the wreckage. But boy IP sure seems like a good idea at he time. I' grateful though that I'm in the place where I have some courage to do a few things. I have been in the place in the past where I survey the wreckage and say f$&@ it and might as well keep going. Not today.

Your doing great buddy. A bit at a time. And, soon you will be further along that you thought possible.

Keep moving forward.

A good productive day today! I took care of some things that needed to get done. Had an angry outburst at an inanimate object. I always feel like a baby when I do that. I am feeling some tension related to my addiction though. I have 5 days though. I refuse to blow it.

ast

I lost my wallet!  Why is that important in the context of porn addiction? For two reasons: First, I'm upset. I don't have access to my credit and debit cards, I'm a last minute Christmas shopper. Plus I'm thinking of the hassle and time it will take to replace drivers license and other stuff. I use IP to self sooth. I can go into that virtual world where I can bombard the senses and not have to think about the hassles and stresses of life. Second, I think there is a real chicken and egg dilemma. Using P makes me distracted and not using after 5 days is distracting. Those times where I have been able to put some real distance between myself a IP my thinking has become clearer.  I'm not necessarily sure that P withdrawal is the reason I lost my wallet but I'm sure it contributes. I have a collection of spiritual songs. Some are religious most are not, but the are done by secular artists but have meaning to me. This one by Gerry Rafferty is one. I listened to it to remind myself why not to use P now. I can make a better life! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2I2kKXWjwhM

I'm a huge Gerry Rafferty fan. Always liked The Right Moment.  Right Down The Line is one of my favorite songs....heck, I used to live on Baker Street...no shit.

Keep in mind, he was a huge talent but his life ended too soon because of an addiction he couldn't overcome.

Well I reset. I celebrated Christmas by getting caught by my looking at some sick stuff. It is almost like I wanted to. Lots of damage done. Ugh! I will not have any problem with p the next couple of weeks. Shame is time limited but powerful. Going to use this time to prepare. Healthy habits, prayer, meditation and posting. That's it for now.

So I'm back after about 3 months. IN my previous post I said that I had reset, well today I reset my counter. I reset not because struggled for 90 days and PMO'd today but because since I reset Christmas day I have not visited this site and have PMOed and regressed into this addiction. I'm thankful that I still have my marriage and my family.

One thing I've learned is that I cannot EVER kid myself that I can look at porn once. It is like the alcoholic who takes that first drink. One porn image is too many and 1,000,000 are not enough. That thinking and thrill of finding that right image. I say to myself when I'm in the throes that this is going to be my last time and actually start telling myself that is I can cum to the perfect image I can walk away from this stuff. How sick is that? The other thing that rebooting will fix (I hope) is the pornification of everything. It is hard to go on the internet or watch TV without getting sensual images thrown at me. Also the pornification of real life. Constant fantasy about women I come into contact with. I realized the other day at work that there is one woman I work with that before I say Hi or have any interaction with her I think about grabbing her rear end. I walk past her that is the first thing I think about. I've been very focused on how often I fantasize about the women I come into contact with every day. It bothers me that these women are only objects to me.

I have a beautiful wife whom I've been married to for over 25 years. With her I've found that I've become very critical of her body (in my mind only). Anyone who say her would think she is smokin hot and think that she is much younger than her late 40's. She takes care of herself, always tries to look nice, She is smart and successful to boot. She wants sex from me a lot. In reading on this site I realize I'm very fortunate that at 53 I don't have any ED issues. For me though the problem lies in my desire to have sex with my wife. I'm frigid with her. When we do have sex I go through the motions and sex is far less than it should be for her. She has caught me numerous times with porn in our marriage. That said she has no idea how deep this goes with me. I talked to her about the possibility of being addicted to porn once a long time ago. She told me she thought it was BS and that I'f I truly thought I was addicted she would divorce me. I went underground and never brought that up again.

I realize now that that was a mistake. Whether she believes it or not I do! She has proven to be a very strong woman and she may stay with me If I'm more out in the open about my addiction, but I can't hide anymore. This is sucking my soul dry. It has come between me and experiencing life to it's fullest. (A little history here. I have been a slave to internet porn since the early days of the internet. Prior to that it was videos and mags. So when I say I feel my soul is sucked dry it really is.) It has prevented my from having true intimacy with my wife and from a heathy closeness with people I should be close to. I can see the impact on my relationships with my children to. It is very difficult to be present with anyone when your brain is dealing with porn images acquired from years of use.  Not to mention all of the lost time do to the binges I've had over the years.

I like to think that in spite of everything I've showed up as a husband and father. And I'm glad for that. The only thing I regret is that I could have been so much better over the years.

One of the things I get from my 12 STEP group is that we can get to a point where we "won't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it". I hold on to that. In the mean time I have to quit. If I refrain from PMO today there is always hope and I have a shot at living this day well. Days turn to weeks and weeks to years. That is my thinking anyway. Let the reboot commence.

I have been reading a few things on the site prior to this post.

Glad you're back on Reboot, ASlow. I just came back myself after a bit more than a year. Your situation is similar to mine, although my wife takes the POV that maybe porn is good since it means I'm not always wanting sex from her. I've been a PMO addict since 1995 when Internet porn really took off.

I read your post for today and wanted to say as I read that your situation seems like there needs to be some marriage/couple counseling. But as I kept reading I got worried about that. I don't think any of us talk enough about what it would mean for our wives to really know how deep in this whole thing goes. And I don't think there are many counselors (even addiction counselors) out there who really understand how thoroughly overwhelming this problem is. It is a problem if partners feel threatened by porn. At the same time, the battle is hard to fight if you feel like you're on your own.

I will say one other thing. If you haven't been hit by ED yet, you should consider yourself fortunate. I am envious. Mine began to take hold slowly in my late 40s. Somehow though you may want to get personal help with the question of being attracted to your wife. Maybe an individual counselor can help with that. I know the feeling, but for me it is all confused by performance frustration and anxiety.

My wife and I saw a marriage counselor about six years ago (had nothing to do with my PMO issues) and the counselor really got us both to understand when you think about intimacy with others -- even just academically -- you're actually struggling with feeling vulnerable and trying to keep doors of possibility open to protect yourself. It took us about six months of weekly sessions, but we managed to figure things out. The biggest for me was to understand how my drinking was affecting my behavior. The biggest for her was understanding that not talking to me about her real feelings was like lying to me.

Keep the faith brother.

Thanks for reaching out TDB!

One of the frustrating things about this addiction is how in the stigmatized it is. It does not seem to matter how many articles come out explaining the problem and how enormous it is. Many counselors don't have a clue how to deal with this. All you have to do is do the math on the prevalence of this problem to determine that many counselors probably struggle with this themselves. I absolutely do NOT want to in any minimize how difficult any addiction is but this one as well as other sex addictions is the least cool. AA has been around for years and has done a great job of de-stigmatizing alcoholism. Many of the moral judgements on it have gone away. But this? We are just a bunch of dirty pervs who can't control ourselves. I hope sites like YBOP can allow this to be more out in the open. I believe the tide will turn. Anyway that is my thought. 

Well after my "righteous" indignation on my last post I have to fess up that I had to reset. This is gonna be tough!

Hey Aslowturning,

Welcome back and glad you're here.

You said "I have a beautiful wife whom I've been married to for over 25 years. With her I've found that I've become very critical of her body (in my mind only). Anyone who say her would think she is smokin hot and think that she is much younger than her late 40's. She takes care of herself, always tries to look nice, She is smart and successful to boot. She wants sex from me a lot. In reading on this site I realize I'm very fortunate that at 53 I don't have any ED issues. For me though the problem lies in my desire to have sex with my wife. I'm frigid with her. When we do have sex I go through the motions and sex is far less than it should be for her."

I wanted to share with you that one of the really great things that has happened for me in my reboot is that I have found myself truly turned on by my partner of 16 years again.

You're very lucky that you don't have any ED issues. I just wanted to get my boner back, I hadn't even considered a goal of being sexually aroused by my partner again. He's attractive and we've always had decent enough sex, but for quite a few years it's become more 'perfunctory' for me. I just figured it was part of the long term relationship pattern, that I'd lost that hot animal attraction to him.

So it came as a very pleasant surprise when I found myself feeling really turned on with him again. Like in our early years together, when I'd never had that level of chemistry with someone before.

It seems kind of obvious now, but to a brains like ours (that have become accustomed to over-saturation of dopamine through the super-stimulation of streaming porn) it wouldn't occur to us that if you give it a rest, don't spend your sexual energy on anything, save it up for awhile, then of course you're going to have a lot more sensitivity, be more turned on, raring to go when you choose to express it.

My advice is to go hard mode until the wiring and chemistry have had a chance to rest and reboot. Wishing you well man!

Welcome to the forum, I'm relatively new new here, this is a wonderful outlet.  Congratulations on everything you've accomplished.  Even PMO'ng last night - everyone relapses and a relapse is a gift IMHO. 

A couple things I've noticed since my 20 year addiction to PMO and my reboot thus far:  We live in a highly sexualized culture.  Sexuality controls and make companies lots and lots of money.  It's insidious.  There's so much pressure for men and women and to be perfectly honest, I don't think we're supposed to have as much sex as we're led on to believe. 

I agree with Now-Man - I had to go hardmode, there was no other way.  Bought NetNanny and I could NOT have gone this long if I hadn't. 

Keep going, and thanks for sharing.