Time to break the shackles

kmastan

Member
I'm a 32 year old guy, who has been married for about 6 years. I had my porn addition since 2002, but didn't care much to cure it. Actually I didn't even bother to acknowledge it as a problem. I tried quitting once in 2014, but I was not serious enough, and I was able to convince myself that it's not a problem and "everybody does it." So, I resumed doing it after a month or so. This time I'm trying to make some real changes in my life, and become a better human being, for myself and my family. I'm doing some reading, some thinking and none of PMO. The last time I masturbated was on 14th July 2015. I'm not counting days, but instead trying to make some real changes in my life. My goal is overall improvement of wellbeing focused on outlook towards women, concentration, time-management, stress management, and to have a more fulfilling life. I'm looking for an accountability partner who is motivated and has similar sort of goal. I will be available to support you in tough times, and would love to receive the same when I really need it.

It was early June when my wife saw me masturbating while lying in the bathtub. I had been doing it for a while. Sometimes I would get into the bathtub and switch on the fan in the bathroom so that she doesn't hear anything, and do it while watching a porn in my phone. That day I forgot to shut the door and she came there after she called me couple of times from the other room and when I didn't respond. I didn't even notice when she came there and when she went back to our bedroom. She didn't say a single word at that time, but her behavior changed and couple of days later she confronted me and I confessed. She had seen me doing it back in 2010 once when were were staying in different cities due to our jobs and I forgot to turn off the webcam after chatting with her. I was able to convince her that it was an effect of staying single for a while and I would never do it again. I don't remember if I tried to stop at that time, but even if I did, it would have been for a short while. It had become such a strongly associated habit that it was hard to quit. I would tell myself that my work is quite stressful, and it's a release mechanism. Every morning I would get into the restroom in the morning, and sit there watching porn in my phone. It was almost like my morning ritual. We would still have sex 2 - 3 times a week, but I was losing interest in enjoying the romance. It was so easy to just get into the restroom and cum quickly watching a porn that I started enjoying that more. My wife gradually became less and less important in my life. I was not able to stop doing it and time just passed by. As time went by, I also needed more kick from the porn that I watched. Initially I would just watch boy-girl porn and gradually I started watching only threesomes (GBG). I would look for the video that I find exciting and would waste lot of time (15-20 minutes every alternate day). I also lost interest in having sex and feeling close with my wife and would live in the fantasy world most of the time.

It continued until this June when she caught me in the bathtub, and recommended that we should see a therapist. I refrained from doing it for a while and then on 14th July I slipped once again. On the same day my wife reiterated that we should talk to a therapist to figure it out. I confessed to my wife couple of days later after realizing that I cannot stop myself and things are out of control. She was trying to understand the situation and was confused how we can handle the situation. Finally we met a marriage councilor on August 11th, and she clearly said that I was having an affair with pornography. She suggested reading couple of books and I realized that I match the traits of a sex addict and would definitely need help.

There are certain other traits that I have in me are also what disgust my wife and also myself. I would ogle at women often. My eyes would just stare at the cleavage until I realize that in another couple of seconds and move the gaze. The worst part probably is to look at women as body parts and every time I would feel bad after doing that. Since I started reading the book "breaking the cycle" I'm proactively avoiding staring at cleavages. Whenever I'm about to do that I'd talk to myself and avoid doing that. However, it still happened handful of times in last couple of weeks. My wife is aware of my situation and though she's trying to be supportive, she is very much pissed about it.

I have realized that I was in a path to self-destruction, and I have been trying to ameliorate the quality of my overall life and well being. I have started spending some time meditating in the morning, still not every morning, but at least 3 days a week. I read "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari", and am trying to incorporate some life lessons in mine as well. The changes won't come in a day, but I'm confident that I would be able to free myself from the shackles of this filthy addiction, and have a healthy and happy life with my wife. Just to make it clear, I'm doing it primarily for myself, to become a better human being. I would love to have an accountability partner who's motivated to regain balance in life.
 

kmastan

Member
I have not been regular in updating this journal. I'm going one day at a time in life. Last couple of weeks have been tremendously difficult. Apart from having a stressful job, dealing with the shame and guilt has been very difficult.

1) I continued watching porn and pretended to my wife for years. Thinking about it now hurts me. She's the nicest girl I've ever met and I just didn't value her. I was the worst husband ever to her. I always pointed out if she did something wrong instead of encouraging her and that definitely broke her spirit many a times.

2) I sometimes visited the porn chat rooms though I didn't pay to view. Still, this was equivalent to supporting prostitution. Never had I thought before that I could do something like this.

3) The idea of romance almost faded from my life. I could only associate sex with a relationship. I was blind to have a satisfying and intimate relationship. Even while watching porn I had fantasized about some other girls and I find that shameful now. I confessed all these things and now she's traumatized to know all these.

4) Ogling! It's as bad as watching porn. I still cannot stop objectifying women though I have been actively trying not to do so. I have made some progress, but it's still far from not objectifying anyone.

I have been PMO free since July 14th, but my wife reminded me that we had sex couple of times after that. Since porn images flash in my mind even while having sex, I would consider that I have been PMO free since end of August. There's no point counting days for me. I need to change my views towards women and work on becoming a better man. I sometimes clearly feel that I have two personalities: one that loves to act out and the other that detests it and demands that I become a better man. The former one tells me that there's no point doing all these since my wife will definitely get out of this dysfunctional marriage, but the other part of me tells me that I need to work on becoming a better person and do everything that I can to have a better life for myself and possibly her if she can forgive me and is willing to give another chance. I'm looking forward to such a day when I don't feel ashamed and instead be proud of being who I become. I see lot of motivated guys here in this forum who are trying to reboot themselves. Let's continue being PMO free, improve our emotional and spiritual life, have a life with purpose and walk towards a better future.
 
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FighterMageThief

Guest
Hi... TPFL.

Thanks for replying to my message about accountability partners, I'd like to post here every now and then if you don't mind. I'll get the book you mentioned and try to get into meditation very soon.

It's really nice to see that you're posting.

I'll chime in with a tip if I may, something I've thought about staring at women. One thing to do is think something on the lines of "I wonder what day she's having". It makes you think about what a woman does rather than what she looks like. Slumped shoulders? Maybe she had a fight or got disappointed. Energetic, smiling? Good news today, or maybe a little present from her kid. Thinking in that way helps to think about the person opposite, rather than body parts.
Another thing to do is to treat any woman the way you would treat a man. Some pretty girl sipping coffee nearby? What would you think about a guy in such a situation, if you ever paid attention to him, that is? Maybe, "very neat guy, I guess he spent half and hour in front of the mirror", "I wonder if that guy changes the shirt every day" or "I wonder what that guy's reading". It's a little bit silly but should aid in getting in a different frame of mind.
Also, the most difficult thing on earth is not to do something you're thinking you shouldn't do. If I actively try not to stare at a woman's bust my eyes more or less get glued to it or I act weird, looking at the ceiling :). If instead I think that I should notice the colour of her eyes and how exactly the hair sits on top of her head I look at her face without wandering eyes. Think only what you should do, forget about what you shouldn't do.

Sounds like your wife is a great woman, I really hope things get better for the two of you. Sounds like she's aware of the amount of work you're doing to improve things. Does she also get a physical confirmation of this? The first thing that comes to mind is maybe a doodle a day, just stick figures of you and her, something silly/funny of your shared history that could bring a smile. In something like that she can see she's in your thoughts all the time.

And one thing about feelings of shame and regret. I've found that I build on those by calling myself all kinds of crap like idiot, moron and so on. Something that I read recently which affected that quite a bit is to imagine some other person calling you the names that you call yourself. That person would be a bully, an emotional abuser. I would not let such a person be a part of my life. So I don't, even if it's me. Now if I catch myself thinking crap about myself I just go "No. This isn't useful. What is? Maybe this..."
 

kmastan

Member
Hi FMT,

    Thanks for accepting to be my accountability partner. Please feel free to post in my journal, and I hope I can do the same.

    You are suggesting that I try humanize other persons, just opposite to objectification. I have been trying that tool and it definitely is working a bit. Your suggestion of trying not do something and rather trying to do something else sounds like a good idea. I was able to behave normally couple of days back and it felt good.

    My wife is trying her best to support me. It's extremely difficult to do so after being cheated on and finding that I have been leading a secret life. I was in denial before getting caught that it's an addiction and an act of adultery. I attended couple of sessions with a therapist who claims to specialize in porn addiction, but I was finding it less and less fruitful gradually. I'm trying a new therapist next week and see if he can help me with some ways to get out of it.

    Thanks for suggesting the idea of separating out the abusive side and treat it as a bully. I tried it today and felt little better. I would look at positive things in life and get the abusive side out of me. Unless I get out of the same and guilt, recovery will be difficult.
 
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FighterMageThief

Guest
It's difficult to get rid of the self-abusive side and it takes a lot of time but things should get better and better. I'm happy to hear it helped a bit.

It's nice that you're not getting stuck with a therapist that isn't helping much. I guess most people would imagine it's of no use and just give that up. But I guess a professional could help a lot and like in everything there should be less skilled and more skilled people.
 

kmastan

Member
I discussed this problem with a friend in person, and he suggested me to look towards future and get rid of this habit. It felt good to have the transparency and not pretend to have a nice balanced life. I was reading an article today morning (in lifehacker probably) on honesty in building relationships. Even if it hurts someone momentarily, it might be better to have a more meaningful connection. I'll try my best to have it in practice.

I allotted some time daily to read something motivational. I deviated from it for last 3 days. It's time to get back into habit. Will try to read something good and motivational now.
 
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FighterMageThief

Guest
Good stuff! :)

It's great to have a friend you can be totally open with. And I can only agree about the honesty, transparency and building a real connection. Could be quite scary to start something like this, nice job doing that :D
 

kmastan

Member
Another PMO free day ... 3 months today!  :)

Started working on figuring myself out. Also doing some reading. Looking forward to tomorrow.
 
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