Big thank you to Jverhoye and LTE, your support means a lot. I need friends that understand right now.
Just to catch everyone up on the situation, I was at rock bottom sometime in July, last summer. I caught my husband PMO "in the act" as they say. Our marriage was running on fumes, sexless for over seven years. I had no idea it was PIED. I didn't know about P-addiction. He didn't either.
I was done, exhausted, fried, frazzled and finished. I was ashamed, degraded and angry. I had made myself physically ill and depressed over this mess. My family suffered. He wasn't talking about us as a couple or even the kids in the future tense anymore. The day I "caught" him I told him I wanted to leave if the disconnection didn't get addressed soon. I still could only see the symptoms, but had no idea what the source of the problem was.
Then I found YBOP.
Finding a problem definition, a solution, a path forward - I don't really have the words to describe how comforting it was to discover my husband was a p-addict. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but I had already wallowed in self-pity and self-blame. I was prepared to walk away from that and run like I was on fire to something better.
I was very enthusiastic that we had a possible "cure".
I gobbled up everything from YBOP. I was nodding in agreement and speed reading everything. I quizzed him on his PMO history, plotting the best path to recovery. I practiced what I thought was support. I forgave him everything "before" this revelation - I wiped the slate. He didn't have to make up or repent his sins to me, he just had to sin no more.
We were back in the sack and the good times were rolling. The kids were responding to the better, happier parents. My skin was clear! My aches and pains disappeared. I smiled more.
I will admit, I felt a little proud of myself for his recovery.
In the meantime, his work life was changing and we opened our own business. The stress was pretty high and he had no skills to deal with them. He started binge PMO again. The lying started again. I could see he was using in his eyes. Nothing was going on in the bedroom. He began being condescending and critical.
I found a huge P stash on his work computer this week while he was out of the office for a few hours. He asked me to fix his computer, so it wasn't like I was really looking for it. Disgusting stuff. I will admit I cried, then I just deleted it, locked up the office and left one of the un-deleted videos up and running in a loop on his screen. (it had been downloaded the previous weekend)
Did I mention I'm working in the office without pay? I think this is clear evidence that I am an idiot.
I really considered packing it up, leave him and the P to each other. What stopped me was the fact he needs me to succeed right now and that would impact the future of our kids. So after driving around, furious with myself for being so stupid, I went back.
We are now in round two of the reboot.
I know I've rallied on a bit here about my own intelligence, but it is more hyperbole than low self-esteem. I like myself and I don't blame me for his relapse. But! I have made mistakes that realistically are only going to secure success in the future if I can learn from them and not just give up.
I'll make a list of what I did wrong and how I'm going to do it right in my next entry. I might even have something to report in the way of results. For now, I'm tired.
Thanks to anyone willing to read this mish-mash and make sense of it.