Back on track

firstofall22

Active Member
Hello rebooters out there,

my name is Bernie, some of you might know me, I was posting here like 4 moths ago when I first startet rebooting after 10 years of porn addiction. Well, as you probably can imagine, it didn't last very long, 40 days roughly until I got back to masturbating, and about 60 days until I got back to hardcore femdom and findom porn. I was very disappointed of myself but I also didn't really care about it. Since then I masturbated once a day, keeping my level, keeping my brain satisfacted. I stopped studying after 2 semesters because I couldn't concentrate on learning. Now I am looking for a workplace, and it's very hard to keep up motivation to apply for jobs. I am feeling like I am nearly dead, no motivation, no drive, no light, no colour...
Call it like you want, I think it's very depressing. I don't think that it's the situation of having no work what is keeping me sad and unmotivated, I really think it's porn.

Yesterday I've put the day counter on my phone to zero. Let's see what happens this time, I think that I'm more experienced now and maybe I can achieve my goal of a porn-free life. I am thinking of getting professional help since it's possible here in Austria to charge health insurance for psychological help.

Stay tuned, and keep up the wonderful work you do here.

Bernie aka firstofall
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 1

No surprise that I want to masturbate again, although it seems easy to keep the line. It's a phenomenon, as soon as I quit porn, energy comes back and today I was getting up motivated at 7 AM. No foggy mind, no lack of motivation and creativity. Looking for a psychologist to help me out too.

Greets Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 2

I'm feeling empty and useless, like my brain isn't existing anymore and I am just being alive totally hollow and not knowing what to do with my day. I'm watching
pointless Youtube videos and eating lots of junk food. I guess this is what they call withdrawal symptoms or so in terms of drug rehab.

I haven't got the urge to masturbate, neither do I have urge to do anything else. I think it's the fact that I don't have a job right now makes the situation even worse.

Hard times.

Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 3

I feel alone for some reason. I don't have any job right now so there is no activity really, I hang around most of the time.
Then I fantasize about having a nice pretty girlfriend, some time when this fucked up addiction is gone, maybe I can start a new
sex life, not with my computer screen but with a loving person.

Bernie
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
good.
find a girl for love not for sex.

sex is just a small fraction of love.

love is more necessary than sex.

build a strong relationship.

go for it.
hang out with girls and find someone significant.
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Hey mtaha,

thanks for your respond, mate!! Have you found a girlfriend after rebooting or while doing a reboot?

Greets and all the best,
Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 5

everything going well. I'm still dusgusted of porn, no difficulties so far.

PS: Does anyone know a good program for Mac and Android phone to block porn and porn related content?

Greets and all the best to all of you out there,
Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 8

Skipped a couple day as too busy to write it in here. Life is getting phenomenal again, as it also was when I did my first reboot.
Within hours I felt this positive energy rising in me like a fire and I kept running around doing things and being active. WOW!
This effect surprises me every time! I am now reading a book written from a pick up artist, so that I finally understand the
female thoughts and actions. Maybe one day I will overcome my shitty fetish (femdom) and can be a respectful, but mainly respected
lover. Being dominant is the key for a male to success in love, you see it everywhere. That's something I have to learn.

No M, MO, or PMO so far, no urges. I'm sure they will come after 3 or 4 weeks though  ;) they are pretty reliable...

All the best,

Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
...still day 8, I know!  ;)

But there is something I want to get off my chest: When I used to masturbate, I used to enjoy porn for hours and hours, as some or a lot of you guys probably also did (better known as edging). Also I had a huge problem with female domination and financial domination. To explain this fetish: The feeling of jerking off gets even stronger when giving money to a dominant woman - usually when having direct contact like in a chat room. Then the dominant woman is teasing and teasing and it's just a vicious cycle. After orgasming I had really bad feelings, because I jerked for hours, sometimes until 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. And I spent huge amount of money. There was this one session like 3 weeks ago where i spent 300$ for ONE session. Well the feeling was incredible, outta this world.

So after the orgasm the bad feelings were rising. Then I kept saying to myself: "A lot of people are addicted to cigarettes, or weed or hard drugs...they also have to pay for their addiction, so do I!" or "That's just the pleasure I do to myself, I don't spend a lot money on clothing like women do, so it's alright" or "Fuck it, that's my destiny now, it feels just too good. I won't get a woman like this so when time comes, I'll just buy one from Eastern Europe or something, I don't need women anyway..."

Pretty frightening, I know. But this is what porn does to you.

Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 14

How are you all doing, gentlemen?
I am feeling very good, "superpowers" are still strong and helpful changing my life and lifestyle. People feel my warmth and my
goodwill, they have fun around me and support me, and this is a beautiful thing really. I can't describe how much better life is
without this drug or addiction. Everything is increasing...

Personal mood
Motivation
Creativity
Behaviour
Getting in contact with people
Sexuality
Attractiveness
Better sleep
Better memory
and so on.....

I want to achieve life free of Porn, so I can be this person I am right now until I die.

Greets
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 15

Doing fine so far, no urges. I am stronger than ever, wanting to achieve the best life I can realize for me.
Looking for a job at the moment, it's quite hard to be honest. It's also annoying to have to decent day schedule, somehow I just
live in the day without really knowing what to do next. But I stay focused no matter what happens.

Shout out to all the rebooters out there, you are doing great, keep up the good work!

Greets Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 16 - My birthday

Hello folks out there, it's my bithday - yeeiih - you see I don't really like to put myself in the light or how we would
say: in the middle of the room, I think it's a day like any other, but I like to look back past the years to see what I reached
and which difficulties and hard times I managed to pass. I am 23 years old now and I am now at a point where I can say
that my life REALLY begins. Half a year ago, I found out that many issues of my current life have to do with my addiction to pornography.
PMO, MO, O, triggers, porn, fetish and dommes have traversed every aspect of my life entirely. I was a different person than I am
now, another soul, another character. I don't feel like I have learned a lot about the other sex so far and I am more than willing to
proceed NoFap so I can understand women, their desires and last but not least: real LOVE.
Second, I found out that I was unhappy at university and school because my father wanted me do carry on with our family business
and so he somehow forced me to do those courses and classes. I now know that I have other interests which are much greater than
economy, management or things like that. I have found out that I am creative and social, and deep in my heart I always knew that.
So I long story short, I am workless now and looking for a job. And I am trying to figure out, what kind of course I want to take
at university, whether something creative like web design or advertising, or other things like some sort of therapist, ergo or physio or even
a teacher. I don't know yet, I have to find myself after living a life for my father so far, to be honest.

So basically I try to find my way in two very important things of life:
LOVE and CAREER. There is one thing which also holds the stool of life, which is FRIENDS. I have got friends, even if there aren't many real
friends. I love them because they withstood my unhappy, uninterested me in the time of hard fapping to porn.

Much hope and power for you all guys, you are on the right way!

Bernie
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 17 since the last PMO (still hard mode)

I recognize that I have so much more confidence in everything I do. Doesn't matter - either with someone I talk to or what I do,
everything is way easier with lots of confidence. And it's impressive for women, too! Most girls go for confidence, the more the better.
It's so easy but you got to have the self-esteem, the manner, the feel, a bit dominating. I have to learn to use this in order to meet a
woman who I can relate to. Because so far there were some women I wanted to interact more often, but without the confidence you
get rejected. It's like a invisible barrier.

These are my thoughts for today, guys. Let me think what you think about this pile of words.

Bernie

PS The first counter isn't true (93 days of no M), I don't know how it came there and how to delete it (I tried several times to delete).
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 18

No urges what so ever. I am very creative and active still. Doing lots of stuff, being confident all the time. But I feel that I need to
talk to someone about my problem. I am texting with my ex girlfriend currently, don't know if I should talk to her about that...
I am still too embarrassed at the moment to spread my problem out in the world. Well I guess it's not healthy to hide it either.
Hoping to get a job soon, feeling useless doing nothing sitting on my bum.

Greets
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 19 - Happy day

Hello gentlemen,

today something great happened. I told my ex-girlfriend about my problem with PMO and PIED. She is the first person I told the whole story, I mean the WHOLE lot. Well I didn't know how she would react but for some reason, she understood it all and was very supportive. We talked a lot and I tried to describe how I feel, which problems I have to deal with. And also, I told her that I broke up with her because of porn. Now she feels kinda released because she was wondering what was wrong with me. We are just friends now, I want to have somebody to talk to. She is so cool, like I literally am so happy to finally be able to talk to someone about this. Don't get me wrong: This website is cool, but there is nothing worth more than talking to a real person about your problems. I can ensure you guys, try this.

I gave her the permission to read through all this. I told her about the forum and your work, I didn't stop once I had gotten into it. God bless this person.

Bernie
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Bernie -

So glad you got to confess to someone close to you.  I too, have found it SO FREEING to share my story with those closest to me. I think it's a game-changer.

Keep up the good work man. Looking forward to reading more of your journey.
 

firstofall22

Active Member
Day 21

Feeling exhausted, got a lot of stuff to do at the moment. Still looking for a job though and at the same time, thinking about a different career in order to what I did in my life so far. No urges for M, PO or PMO what so ever. I mean it's 3 weeks already which is pretty alright. I know that it's going to be getting difficult soon to keep up the standards, but I really got the aim to pull it through this time.

Bernie
 

igetum

Active Member
Glad you have mad such a strong comeback. Keep the fire burning, you are not alone. And your comeback is an inspiration to many.
 
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