Im a 22 year old rebooter and have been watching porn sine I was 13 but only really started watching regularly at age 18. I have no doubt that u suffer from PIED but many failed sex attempts I believe have led me to develope anxiety when it comes to sex also. This almost scares me more than the PIED, I feel extremely confident with this reboot and think believe this is going to be the time that I give it up for good. But I'm scared that even when I'm fully healed(47 days in already seeing results) that the anxiety Ive developed because of failed sex attempts is going to haunt me. Has anyone ever deal with this? Any advice?
PIED and anxiety
- Thread starter 21zo
- Start date
misc person 86
Active Member
Yea mate. This is my struggle. I'm 2 years PMO free and the last 5/6 times I had sex I was fine. But the whole anxiety about sex is so bad.
I wouldn't even say it's necessarily just "performance anxiety", as I'm not really worried about how good I am in bed... It's more like I'm so confused about what is normal sex and how I go about initiating it and having it that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I really struggle to just let go, and when I can't let go, my erection fades, then the real performance anxiety starts and I'm useless again. Terrible vicious cycle/circle..
I suppose that practice makes perfect, but then I'm worrying that too much sex will bring on a flatline again.
It's wrecked me on quite a few levels all this.
I can't even bare watching sexual scenes on TV because I'm constantly comparing.
But, we can only improve over time. We need to keep on re-enacting the positive sexual behaviours and experiences to somehow push all the negatives away.
I wouldn't even say it's necessarily just "performance anxiety", as I'm not really worried about how good I am in bed... It's more like I'm so confused about what is normal sex and how I go about initiating it and having it that takes a lot of the fun out of it. I really struggle to just let go, and when I can't let go, my erection fades, then the real performance anxiety starts and I'm useless again. Terrible vicious cycle/circle..
I suppose that practice makes perfect, but then I'm worrying that too much sex will bring on a flatline again.
It's wrecked me on quite a few levels all this.
I can't even bare watching sexual scenes on TV because I'm constantly comparing.
But, we can only improve over time. We need to keep on re-enacting the positive sexual behaviours and experiences to somehow push all the negatives away.
aquarius25
Respected Member
My husband struggles with the same thing. One thing we have been discussing that has actually helped him is this. Who cares what normal sex is? We don't need to have or care to know what other people's sex looks like. We are just focused on each other. The pressure of what is normal sex is so confusing and ridiculous. We don't care to be normal in another area of our lives why in this area? Just focus on enjoying time with your partner. If sex happens, great, if not who cares? Did you enjoy spending time with them? If yes than that is all that matters. That attitude will also help keep you focused on your partner and out of your own head. Think of it like this, you are not having sex for you, sex isn't about you. Its about connection and creating pleasure for your partner. If both partners are focused on each other then both partners are sure to be please. The minute one person focuses on themselves more than the other person that is the minute the connection is broken and then it's no good for anyone.
THis is meant to be encouraging so take what you want and feel free to disregard the rest.
THis is meant to be encouraging so take what you want and feel free to disregard the rest.
misc person 86
Active Member
aquarius25 said:
Great input Aquarius. And yes you're totally right. I do this, and ignore trying to have or initiate sex. But once it does start happening, the thoughts creep in ("should I be hard by now?", "I'm not hard enough to penetrate", "I haven't had mw for a while"). Your solution sounds so simple and to read it it makes perfect sense. But then the situation happens and the negative thoughts just burst in. I think the physcological damage from PIED is worse than the initial symptoms.
(And selfishly I'm talking from the man's perspective, though I know the mental damage for partners can too be terrible).
appreciate both of your responses and will take them into consideration. I do think that most of my anxiety stems from not having a partner I am confortabke with, my previous unsuccesfull attemts where all one night stands. I feel that if I were in a relationship with someone I trust and feel comfortable with the anxiety would fade away. And i definitely agree that practice makes perfect, its a process.
You should read your own quote every day! It is exactly right! You will not build security and confidence around sex as long as you are treating it like a test of performance and capability. One night stands are exactly that. There is no safety in that experience - only the chance to fail. If you had a partner who you felt comfortable with, so much of this pressure would disappear. You should continue with your reboot, but start thinking about how a relationship with a trusted partner might look. Porn users are often out of touch in terms of their social skills for building relationships - and picking up somebody for a one-nighter is different from dating somebody and trying to get to know them. Give some thought into how you can get to know somebody and move towards intimacy that way. When you are happy with somebody, anxiety shouldn't be a big problem. That's what you need to get your confidence back.21zo said:
Your 100% right Malando, I think writing these things out on these forms and really reflecting on what I'm saying combined with other peoples opinions is helping me realize a lot of my problems. Going to try to stay active on a few threads and talk through these problems instead of just over thinking them in my head all alone.
Fabricioalves
Member
andyjee86 said:
I use to think the same things, I'm not sure yet if the most guys have an erection when the girl takes her clothes off or even before this and for how long happen an erection. What aquarius said make sense but when you don't have a partner (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband) is complicated. I hope after 90 days of rebooting the sex becomes more naturaly and I'll sure I'm hard enough and it during enough to I don't worry about it
misc person 86
Active Member
Decaptare said:
Yea it's weird isn't it! I'm lying there trying to be relaxed and not give a crap about whether we have sex or not but then we'll start fooling around... I'll get aroused, but then we may stop and then I'm thinking shit... It's not gonna come back.
On the flipside, when I'm definitely horny these thoughts do not even cross my mind. I have the confidence in myself and feel libido flowing through me, knowing that my erection will be solid when it needs to be, so I do think the sex anxiety is linked to libido (for me anyway).
So part of me wants to just wait until I'm massively horny and have that confidence, but then when I'm not totally rampant another part of me says "well, just coz you didn't have mw this morning and don't feel crazy horny there's no reason why a healthy man shouldn't be able to rise to the occasion anyway"... But it's this latter situation where the anxiety is really bad, and erection quality is varied.
I've said it a lot recently but I think my only way forward now is strictly limited orgasm, like.... Only when I have to get it out to avoid pain/it comes out on its own. Then I know I'll always get an erection.