One Vision

camus

Active Member
Hi, I would like to re-introduce myself to this forum yet again.

I'm not new here and have been struggling with porn addiction for many years. I have decided to begin a new journal to give myself a clean start.

This year I have managed 3 clean streaks of no PMO, two of 3 weeks and one of 4 weeks. I keep telling myself I can beat this addiction on my own, but the evidence is clear that I can't. When I got to 4 weeks, I  used just to get the obsession out of my head. The urge to use porn was so intense I couldn't think of anything else. Afterwards I felt so depressed and demoralised.

I feel I need an accountability partner on this forum because I think that is a major thing which is lacking from my recovery. So, if there is anybody here who is struggling and thinks having a partner would also help them, message me.

The idea is we could message each other and provide moral support if either one of us is struggling.

I used yesterday, so I doubt I will be much help to somebody who has a pretty long clean streak :)
 

IWantToLive

Active Member
Hi Camus

Similar situation here. Been trying to kick this habit, but only getting so far, and falling much more. Perhaps we can be accountability partners...

IWantToLive
 

Whynot

Active Member
My situation is somewhat similar as well. I have gone three months and then relapsed and then I have gone over 200 days and just recently relapsed as of Friday that just passed. I would be interested in having an accountability partner as well, if you?re interested message me
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Welcome back Camus! It's been a long time between drinks as we often say. Reboot buddies or sobriety partners as they call them in 12-step programs helped me remain porn-free. As I've shared before, I'm a member of both this forum and www.pornaddictsanonymous.org (or "PAA"). My reboot wasn't just giving up a nasty habit, it was more about changing my entire way of thinking and to do so, I needed more than just daily posts here. So I joined PAA, got a sponsor, worked the steps, and also participate in weekly phone-in meetings. I'd suggest that if you continue to relapse and posting here isn't enough, you might want to try PAA as well. I hope that helps Camus and look forward to reading your next update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
 

camus

Active Member
Thanks for your responses.

I want to live and Papa, I have messaged you regarding being accountability partners.

Lyon, thanks for your advice. I have registered with PAA and am going to do the 12 steps. It worked for my alcoholism and have been sober from that for 10 years.

My porn use doesn't just impact me when I use. It totally affects the next several days. I haven't been to work for two days because I simply feel too depressed. The only glimmer of hope after this relapse it that I know I have to do something different this time. As Lyon said, posting on this forum isn't going to be enough for me. Maybe I could get to 90, 100, 1000 days then relapse. I could get the longest streak I've ever managed and start this addiction again from where I left off. I can't do this anymore and I need to get as much help as I can to beat this forever...one day at a time of course :)

I have called this thread One Vision, because despite this addiction, I have a clear idea of what I want for my life. I know where I want to be in 5 years time for instance. I've had this plan for my life for that last two years. Although I have made small steps towards it, I keep getting dragged back to this addiction. I feel like I'm in some kind of hell at the moment, a hell of my own selfish indulgence. This addiction has finally brought me to my knees.

I'm trying to figure out why I used a few days ago. On the face of it, I was doing all the 'right' things. I've stopped isolating and have started socialising again. I am looking after my health and helping people in AA.

But the other night when I relapsed, I'd just been out for dinner and got triggered. The stress of socialising and then seeing a really hot woman while out sent my brain into some kind of meltdown. From out of nowhere, and quite automatically, I started considering a PMO session when I got back home. There was a brief moment when I think I could've made a decision not to use, but the addiction won out.

If I'm not powerless over this, then I don't know what powerless is! I used and I didn't want to use. While looking, I hated it, but needed to click onto to the next image or video. When I get to the next image or video, it doesn't give me what it promises, so I desperatley search for another. I didn't eat, despite being hungry. I didn't sleep, despite needing it. When I use, nothing else matters but my desperate need for a fix.

I could've stopped the next day but I didn't. The thing with porn is that it will promise you that you'll get what you need, then leaves you wanting more and more. There isn't ever going to be enough porn to satisfy me.

What are the 'rewards' I've got from using? Depression and anxiety are back after feeling great last week. My wanting to isolate has returned. Yes, there is so much 'reward' for using porn.

Sorry about this rant. I need to get this all down.

With my rant over, I need to start thinking about a solution to true recovery from this. Maybe I needed that last relapse to properly understand the nature of what I am facing.

Wishing you all a clean and sober day.
 

Whynot

Active Member
It?s good to rant and feel free to do so here anytime, that?s what we are here for.  As far as you wanting to be like me, I do not agree, I need to be better, damn I went over 200 days just to relapse, I feel worse now and more shitty
 

camus

Active Member
Yes, I can't imagine how you feel Papa. It was bad enough when I relapsed after 4 weeks.

I have just bought Gary Wilson's YBOP and created a recovery plan for the next 30 days. Over the next few weeks I need to do intense work on myself. That's not to say I think I will be over this addiction at day 30, but I realise that I need to build a habit of working on recovery daily. After 30 days, I will create another plan which reflects the position I'm in at that time.

My recovery plan looks something like this:

1. Post in my RN journal daily - whether I want to or not!
2. Read a few pages of YBOP per day
3. Start attending online PAA meetings
4. Interact with accountability partners on RN
5. Listen to 1 CD per day of a self improvement course I bought ages ago. This is to help me build a life outside of this addiction, which I think is fundamental to long term recovery.

It sounds like a lot and I'm aware that my recent relapse has given me a desperate motivation to get help, which will probabaly subside after a few weeks, when I start to feel 'better'. I've been here before. Recover, recover, recover, then...I decide I have more important things to be getting on with, then...relapse!

But this addiction has severly put my entire future in jeopardy. I can't make plans or promises to myself if I don't put in the work to beat this addiction for good...one day at a time. So in this respect, the time and effort I put in now, is a very small price to pay to get my life back.

 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly Camus & Papa. Yes it feels sh*tty to relapse. I know because I did it for decades. The guilt and shame associated with my addictions always created a downward spiral: I'd use to feel better; only to feel worse; so I'd use again; and down I went. I can relate to what you shared about feeling like on autopilot. Before finding this forum and www.pornaddictsanonymous.org, I tried and failed for decades to stop my PMO habit (porn masturbation orgasm). Now that I've been part of a 12-step program for a few years, I now realize that most people have several addictions: mine are porn, sex, and masturbation. It's like that game "Whac-A-Mole" - you nail one of those little f*ckers only to see another pop up again and again. It wasn't until I'd dealt with the root cause of my addictions (being a closeted gay man in a straight marriage) that I slowly started to live without my addictions. So what's my point? I wanted to share that I'm not judging you, nor is anyone else. We've all failed at this before which is why we're here. But I'd urge you to embrace the process (identifying the broken thinking that leads you to addiction) rather than the goal (a lifetime without addiction). For me that process meant: posting daily; encouraging others; participating in weekly 12-step phone-in meetings; and learning everything I could about how to heal from addiction and addictive thinking. So I'd see what happened as a bump on the road to a better Camus, rather than complete failure. I hope that helps my friend. Love Lyon.
 

Strike a true path

Active Member
Hi Camus reading your posts your pain and frustration come over clearly -as does your determination to do more to help yourself break free.
I wish you luck -be kind to yourself.
 

Whynot

Active Member
Those are  Great steps to follow Camus.  I am going to try the same thing, I?m going to join that new site and try to figure out this 12 step program, I think that?s what I?m missing is a 12 step program
 

camus

Active Member
Thanks to you all for your responses.

Thanks Lyon for explaining what you went through and sharing how you overcame your addiction. It gives me hope :)

In the short periods of time when I am clean (which usually lasts between 2-4 weeks) I feel like a completely different man. I look after myself, eat well, go to the gym, work on building my business etc etc. The only thing I don't do is recovery! (I don't have time for that!!!).

My thoughts after relapsing have always been 'that was the last time', 'never, ever again', 'if I can just get to 30, 60, 90 days etc', my brain will change and I will be free. Heck, I've even sworn off forever, then relapsed an hour later!

Trouble is I can't even get to 30 days. And what if I did manage to do 90 then relapse! For me I need more than simply counting the days, which is what I've been doing up to now.

The addiction is really powerful in me.

I have used for so long that I walk around with porn goggles on. A lot of the time I assess women in terms of sex I feel ashamed to say, and miss the fact that they are actually a person!

Porn has warped me in so many ways, and this is one of them.

It's my third day clean and beginning to come out of the depression I was in a few days ago.

I've escaped from hell and I never want to go back again.

 

camus

Active Member
I am already getting thoughts of 'I don't need to do any recovery'...'I just need to exercise will power'.

The only guarantee for me is that I will use again, if I don't make the effort to put the work in. Can't believe that I am already beginning to forget the hell I was in three days ago! How quickly addicts forget.

Have signed up to PAA and want to attend the online meetings which I thought were done via Skype, but apparently not. They are conducted via a conference call, but being in UK, calling would be pretty expensive - unless anybody knows of a way around this?

All in all I feel good, but I need to always remember that I am a porn addict and to never become complacent in my recovery.

 

camus

Active Member
I've woken up feeling quite irritable. I don't want to use but feel pissed off with myself that I am wasting my life on this using/relapse merry go round.

However, I have a plan for today and I will stick with it no matter what my mind tells me to do.

I am stronger than my mind.
 

TrueMe

Member
Hi Camus, that's great you've made a plan for the day. When we're feeling irritable and less than our best - yet stick to our recovery plans - these are the days that really shape and strengthen us. Good job for being proactive and all the best for the day.
 

camus

Active Member
Reading my last post makes me feel completely baffled regarding why I relapsed that very same day. I feel completely ridiculous. Like I can't trust myself in any way at all.

The pattern for me is when I relapse, it is really difficult to get a clean streak going again.

Anyway, what else is there to do but carry on? Not going to swear off PMO or anything like that. It's pointless. Just going to focus on the rest of today, have something to eat and go to bed. Get up the next morning and go to work.

If I don't use today, tomorrow I will have a life.



 

camus

Active Member
Had pretty bad brain fog at work today. It's quite frightening what porn does to the brain, in addition to the depression, social anxiety, PIED etc etc. There aren't many advantages to PMO.

However, deep down, there is a benefit (although temporary) that I am getting from PMO. For me I think it is mostly escape. Sure, I know that I have to return afterwards, and things will be worse, but at least I get to escape for a bit.

I'm not even sure what I'm escaping from. I can understand that I seek to escape from negative feelings like stress and anger, but sometimes I just need a hit of something to escape from the mundane. To not feel numb. Sometimes not feeling anything can be worse than feeling bad.

I am rambling, but I truly get that my PMO has absolutely nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with feelings. It's getting to the cause of these feelings and my complete inability to deal with them in an adult way, which is causing me so many problems.

Feel that giving up PMO is only the beginning of a very long journey.

If I don't use today, tomorrow I will have a life.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
camus,

the mundane is not a bad thing
we're just not used to it.
within the mundane is deep strength
because you're focusing on goals
mundane is only boring if you're passing time aimlessly.
but if you have goals, you'll have action and achievement.
and that makes mundane interesting, because you're constantly feeling good for having done something.

PMO drives certain behaviors:
disengagement
detachment
distancing
resistance to trying
fear of failure
fear of rejection

which ultimately leads to boring boring life
 

camus

Active Member
Thanks TakeActionNow. Very true! I realise that goals are an important aspect to life as without them there is nothing to aim for - hence life appearing boring and mundane.

I think the worst part of the way I'm feeling at the moment is that I have done this to myself. 2 weeks ago I felt great. Today I just can't muster the enthusiasm for anything. I am wrecking my own life and that is a bitter pill to swallow. There is nobody to blame but myself.

I really need to take action to get myself better as PMO is giving me a pretty nihilistic perspective on life.

When I was driving to work this morning, I started thinking of my life escaping from porn as an analogy to driving to the promised land in a car with six gears - yes I have a fancy sports car with six gears in my analogy - sadly, not in real life :)

1) 1st Gear - give up PMO. If I don't do this, my life (car) will go nowhere. My many relapses tells me this is the truth. I cannot have porn in my life if I want to live.

2) 2nd Gear - take positive action on my recovery. If I don't work my recovery, I will relapse, my life will stall and I will continue to be in this endless cycle of hell.

3) 3rd Gear - create a vision for my life. Without a vision, I won't know where to point my car and will end up directionless, become despondent and ultimately revert back to PMO as a source of relief from the mundane.

4) 4th Gear - have a strategy to achieve my vision. There is no point knowing your destination if you don't have a map to get you there.

5) 5th Gear - take action on the vision strategy. Drive there.

6) 6th Gear - live the dream!

In addition to recovery, I do need to have plans for my life, which I do to an extent. So far the trouble has been I engage first gear then stall ie I never put any effort into recovery (2nd Gear). I try to bypass the 2nd Gear, which any driver understands is a pretty ineffective way to drive a car.

Today has really hit me as I am on day 2 and my head is literally all over the show. I feel like I'm coming down off a drugs binge.

Thankfully, I do realise this isn't my usual mental state and this low mood will pass in a few days. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and not PMO a day at a time.

If I don't use today, tomorrow I will have a life.


 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Wow

Gotta say i really like your milestone settings.
That's really great and clear!!!

Emotions are like waves. They come and go. Thats good cos ups and downs means good and fine.
Just remembered not to dwell in self pity or blame.
The past is over. Gotta focus on today and tomorrow!
Your plan of action is your friend.
We'll get there because we believe we can!!!
 

camus

Active Member
Thanks for the support TakeActionNow. Emotions certainly do go up and down and today I wasn't feeling so bad. I think I am over the worst of the 'hangover' from my last relapse. Sure there will be challenging times ahead, but as long as I don't go back to PMO, things will gradually improve.

 
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