20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life

Hi rebooters,
I am glad I found a community I am able to grow with. We have the same enemy and the same goal.
I thought it might be mutually useful if I share my story?
First of all, I would like to say that I had really hard childhood. My father was alcoholic and he died when I was 4 years old. My mother was and is a good women and I love her. Nevertheless, after the death of my alcoholic father, she desperately tried to find a new man. It wasn?t so easy for her, so new and new men came to our house. One of them was so bad that he had sex with my mom, while I was present. They might be thinking that I was too little to understand. And I did not understand. It just looked for me that this guy is hurting my mom. Finally, my mother found a decent man, which I love now, but he was really strict and I suffered really hard physical punishments for many years? So this is my background?
I am 29 years old now and have a long history of addiction. I started M?ing when I was 7 or 8. I did that at least twice a day. When I was 12 I got almost unlimited access to the internet porn. Don?t have to say that I got obsessed. I was watching it mostly during the nights (3 ? 4 hours), teasing myself before finishing. Of course, it has a negative impact to my studies and to my social life.
I got so dependent on porn, so during the periods when internet was not available at home I was trying to catch wi-fi anywhere , so I was PMOing in public places during the night. I understood that?s not good and that I should stop, but I couldn?t. I was blinded by desire.
When I was 16 I already started to look for extreme porn. All the time when I was searching for something I included word extreme. When I was over 20 the things I was looking extremely humiliated women (bukkakes, gagging, public disgrace and so on.).
During all that period I understood that it is not correct, that?s not me. I was trying to stop, but never successfully. Every time after PMO?ing I felt so badly. I would say I felt like a piece of shit. I hated those men, who were destroying women, but mostly of all I hated myself to watch all that junk. The best example of how addicted I was, is my studies in university. I was really bad student. One of the worst.  And when I was preparing for my final exam (It was the last day before exam) I tried to protect myself from P, so I installed software to block it. 10 minutes after I installed it, I was looking for a ways to bypass this program. I did that and I PMO?ed. I wasted five hours and I felt in desperation.
Up till now the longest period without M was 35 days. It was a time when I was travelling with my friend and we spent 100% of our time together. Nevertheless, the P was in my mind. I was dreaming about the scenes I have seen.
For me Pornography is a monster, a demon that destroys personality, locks yours potential and talents. It is just like alcoholism or addiction to drugs.
Now I found Paula Hall ?The Kick start recovery program?, which revealed the architecture of the sexual addiction. And I try base my recovering strategy on this program. I looked for some videos on http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ and best of all I found this community.  The community I would like to grow with. I am sober for 6 days now and my first goal is 40 days. I will keep updating my journal, to share my recovery proccess with community.

Hi rebooter!

I have been on and off rebooting for seven months now. It is sooooo worth it, all you have to do is stay strong and accept a relapse. I am aiming for a final reboot now and have high hopes for it to work out.

If you find the time, make sure to read some other journals. Many experiences will help you deal with this issue much easier.

Hi NewAdam
I think you already took a very good step when you entered this community. You will do it, you will finish of this monster, you have to believe that, and on other_very important_ thing, as miomio said, you have to stay strong and accept a relapse

You have to focus on the problem too, and that's by:
1- Every morning, after you weak up you have to open this site, write something about the previous day, how you fought this addiction and see a couple of other people posts, read about their stories and support them.
2- Put up a counter for yourself, hang it on a wall on your room to remember both the days that were OK, and the days of relapsing.

If you forget that you are a porn addict, you will fall again and again. of course after the reboot, you can forget about all of this, but you have to reach the point where porn is not an option first.

One other thing: put a short target at first, because your brain will feel it is easy and realistic to fight for it.

You can do this man!
As said before, set a short-term goal first, celebrate when you've reached it (go out and eat some nice place or however you wanna reward yourself), and then set a new goal.

Life without P is far more great than with P. I promise you, alot of people can attest to that.

Perfect! Baby steps are the way to go! Have you considered rewarding yourself for every (other) goal?

Hey man, I'm 29 too and we have similar reboot dates. I'm glad to see another 29 year old here, you made the right decision to put an end to this PMO nightmare. Let's support each and help out when things go rough!

Solidarity is the key to success. Ive been attempting to quit for over three months now and I could not make it past 6 days without relapsing. I am now on day 2 of what will be the rest of my life without p. Always remember, tomorrow is a new day!

George Oh Well..
This is the spirit, do not lose it at any time.

Congrats on reaching your first goal! I set my first one yesterday to 14 days so I hope it doesn't turn out to be too long for a first goal. I'm like you and if my brain sees something like 30 or 60 days, I will probably relapse after about 4. Baby steps is the way to go.

It's amazing how hard the brain tries to get what it wants, too. Some days I have to literally go hour by hour. Like if I see some kind of trigger at an opportune time, I will have to "put it off" for just one hour. Then if I still have the urge, I try to go do something for one more hour to put it off again, and so forth. Today is gonna be one of those days for me so I'll probably be popping up on here regularly today. Keep it up!

It is completely normal to have a sexual desire. Just try to relief it in a normal way not through porn. If you can't relief it with a girl and you are madly aroused, then just try doing it  with out any fantasies or pictures or porn.

once again, the most destructive thing you may do is allowing a relapse to break you done! As long as you fight, you will reach your goal. If you surrendered to it, you will lose. It doesn't matter how many times you will relapse, what matters is that you still be able to get up and continue to reach your goal.

I will see your update every day... 
you are not gonna surrender... not on my watch bro!

Hey Adam! Do not judge yourself so harsh... It's bad, yes, but it's not the end of the world. Feelings of guilt, shame and hopelessness will eventually get you back on the PMO road. Stay strong brother and carry on the fight.
I also relapsed hardcore after being clean for 150+ days and yes it saddened me ... but in the first days blamed myself a lot and only led me to a P binge...
Don't judge yourself so hard man... Pick yourself up from the floor and carry on the fight for a good life and for happiness!

Take care!

Thank you all for support!! You are great people. But during this weeks I was in a very bad condition. I felt into the chane of relapses.
But now it is all over and it is a word of man. I believe in myself. I am strong and rolling.

I arranged a set of rules for myself to avoid relapsing:

1. I will sell my smart phone (It is a real source of P)
2. No PC after 9 p.m. (Most of my relapses happens late in the evening)
3. Active participation in reboonation forum (Post everyday at least once)
4. At least 50 pull ups or 150 push ups or some active cardio work out every day.
5. Use PC only as a tool of learning or working
6. Sleep at least 8 hours
7. Every evening arrange my next day
8. Run away every time when I feel trigered
9. No overteating.
10. No sweets (Except honey, because it is so delicious)

It is a strict rules. But I need discipline to gain will power, which will help me in my way.

And the journey starts right... now!!!

Day 1

1. Haven't sold smartphone yet. No one is bying it. May be I should give it for free.
2. I will turn my computer before 9 p.m. I like real world more.
3. 1 post in a forum today.
4. I haven't done any push ups or pull ups today, but I have worked a lot (I mean physical work), so it counts as well.
5. I have spent a couple of hours of learning in front of my PC, not a second for unnecessary activities
6. Slept 8 hours. It helps me to feel fresh and sprite.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife.
8. No strong triggers today, because of little time spend in front of my computer.
9. Now I am trying to eat a little bit too little, when a little too much. Hunger clear my thinking
10. No sweets today. Not even looking to their side.

Today is a perfect day. I feel stronger than yesterday. If I could live everyday just like today, reboot process would be very easy.

Day 2

1. Haven't sold smartphone yet. But havn't used it at all. Still this is dangerous tool for me.
2. It is 10 past 9 and this post is my last work using computer today.
3. 1 post in a forum today.
4. 50 pull-ups.
5. I have spent 4 of hours of learning in front of my PC, not a second of unnecessary activities
6. Slept 9 hours. I slept very badly so diceded on sleep one more hour.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife.
8. No strong triggers today, because of little time spend in front of my computer.
9. No overeating. Just small breakfast and lunch and good dinner in the evening.
10. No sweets today. Not even looking to their side.

Feel happy and can go to bed with satisfaction.

Day 5


2. It is 20 past 9, but I decided to post more today, so I finish a little bit later.
3. Haven't post for a couple of days, because of limitted internet access. Today 3 posts. Participation in the forum really helps.
4. 150 push - ups.
5. I have spent 5 of hours of learning and a couple of hours working and 1hour in reboot nation forum. No youtube, no facebook, no skype and of course no P. Great.
6. Slept 6 hours yesterday and 6 hours today. Some how  I dont want to sleep more.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife, as always
8. No strong triggers today, because I was totaly engaged in my learning to program.
9. I lost discipline in eating. I am eating a little too much. Have to quit this, because this will lead to relapsing.
10. No sweets today. Stayed strong.

Basically, feel good, but libido is getting higher everyday, so I must constantly remind myself about my addiction.

Day 6


2. It is 20 past 9, and I sat down to post. I must arrange my day in that way. I would be able to post before 9.
3. 1 post today.
4. 65 pull ups.
5. I have spent 3 of hours of learning using PC and that is it. Feel good, because of the time I have spent living a real life.
6. Slept almost 10 hours today. I was to lazy to wake up.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife, as always.
8. No strong triggers today, because of little time in front of computer.
9. Totally lost discipline in eating. It was even worse that yesterday. I am losing my will power. Tomorrow I will try retain hunger all day.
10. I had really strong temtations to eat sweets today, but resist. This habbit will help me to run away from the triggers.

One week, here I come!!!!

Day 7
One week!!! Nice!!!

2. It is 7 past 9 and I am turning of computer.
3. 1 post today.
4. 52 pull ups and work out for abs.
5. I have spent 4 hours of learning using PC and maybe one hour looking for a new computer (To sum up 5 hours). Mostly I was using PC in the the first part of the day, so now I feel fresh and full of energy. It is the best way to arrange my day.
6. Slept 8 hours today. I dont need more.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife, as always.
8. I had strong temtations today. I was learning and my wife went for a walk. I was left alone with my addiction and my PC. And I acted like a strong man. I ran away for a half an hour from my computer. I did some work at home and came back in much better condition.
9. Regarding the eating, today was  no better than yesterday. Tomorrow I dont want to starve, because it sunday and I used to relax on this day, but I will keep a discipline.
10. I had really strong temtations to eat sweets today ass will, but I resisted. I am still strong and I know that I wont relapse.

Day 9

2. It is 10 past 9 and I am turning of computer.
3. 1 post today, I have not posted yesterday, because sunday is a relax day for me.
4. No physical acticity today, tomorrow I'll do twice as much.
5. I have spent 2.5 hours of learning and 4.5 hours of working using PC. Feeling shitty. Too much time in front of PC.
6. Slept 7 hours today. Feel like need more.
7. I will arrange my next day in my bed together with my wife, as always.
8. I am feeling strong temtations rigth now, so I am running away.
9. No discipline in eating today.
10. No strong temtations today, regarding the sweets.

From tomorrow more time for fitness.

I have relapsed two days ago in the evening of the 9th day. The trigger was opportunity based. I was left in the administrator account, so I was able to disable K9 internet filter. The most sad part of that is that I havn't felt any sexual desire before, so I felt queit strong and because of that calm. But just one idea is enough to trigger and to act out, so it is necessary to avoid any opportunity, at least for me.

Now I feel huge temptations, but my computer is save. More over, i am going to sleep.