From the ?Easy Button? to the right button

My name is Scott and I am a fifty nine year old porn addict. I have been addicted to pornography since I was probably fourteen years old. Porn was always my escape, also marijuana, and alcohol. I have been free of all drugs and alcohol for over twenty one years. I am currently over twelve days with no pmo.
My porn use started with magazines around the house, my dad always had dirty magazines, not just playboy, but all the other brands, penthouse, hustler, high society, club, and lots more, and always new ones every month. I started fapping two or three times a day, I fantasized about being the girl, and performing those sex acts as a female. I also fantasized about cross-dressing and being a slut, a lesbian, and a bunch of other perverted things. I never knew I was becoming addicted to this filthy disgusting stuff. It really destroyed my whole life. I have only had one serious relationship in the last forty years. Porn has made me a loner afraid of interacting with members of the opposite sex, shy, withdrawn, and a bunch of other things, porn is a horrible master. I never knew that porn was my problem until about twenty years ago. But now with the high speed internet, it is always available. I am going to write about my progression later, for now I am just introducing myself, I am reading every book I can on the subject, believe me it is NEVER TOO LATE TO QUIT.

Way to go, I am the same age started about the same age with about the same material. I have looked back on the times when I have quit for short periods of time and how things got better in that short span. I am talking about a couple weeks here and a month there. Found out about PMO and all this info online about 6 years ago. In the last 2 years have been doing better with a lot of PMO free weeks and months here and there. Need to build on that, read a lot of these forums and other helpful info. The more info we get the better able to fight the addiction. When other people tell you that they like the change in you than you know you're on the right track(button). Changing a bad habit is doing within when you are doing without. It all still boils down to making the right choices from within. 

good morning Scott

    Our Stories are very similar  I am  on a 2 plus year  reboot  short story is I  turn 49 in March and have been addicted to porn for 35 years  since finding my old man's playboy and hustler mags  than his vhs tapes  than my own collection  than  finally of course internet porn. I  wanted to quit for probably 30 years or more and finally stumbled across the info needed a little over 2 years ago.  My 1st year was up and down  riddles with relapses  but  a huge  learning experience where I gained vast knowledge on the addiction and  myself  The 2nd year was a little more of the same but with learning how to break the patterns  And near the end of the 2nd year I began my current reboot with I am now  at day 80 and I have never felt better  I went through some of the same  things you did  pretending to be a lesbian in chat rooms just to be able to chat with girls(since there are no real girls in chatrooms)  I even went through a little  cross dressing on and off just to enhance the experience.  Its amazing now  how little interest I have in any of those previous things.  I have been married for almost 13 years  and  never suffered through pied  and I did have fairly reg sex with my wife  through our marriage. Its just that porn robbed me of time  and lots of it  that I never succeeded the way I probably had the potential to.  Aft this current reboot of 80 days  I must say I have never felt better  I am losing weight  learning new things and "very" slowly gaining some confidence I never knew I had

    Do lots of reading  and have lots of patience  because this problem is not going to go away overnight  but you are very right  Its way better late than never (and  who says its late anyway) I'm going to be 50 in a year from now and I now feel better than I did 10 years ago

    cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

This addiction comes without the warnings, like alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. If I become a alcoholic, or a drug addict it becomes pretty obvious to all of my family, friends, and employer. But this porn thrives on secrecy, so I am able to hide it from the whole world, except myself. It started out with magazines, then I started using prostitutes (not too often because they cost a lot of money), then came vhs tapes, and phone sex, I had a lot of phone sex because I could charge it to my credit cards. My phone sex was really degrading, I was into being dominated by women who would indulge me in my cross-dressing fantasies. It left me with a lot of shame and guilt, and made less social and more withdrawn, and totally ruined my self-confidence. Then along came the internet, before high speed it was dial up it took forever but it did the trick, I became totally immersed in she males. I lived in the greater Los Angeles area and there were many bars that had T-Girl themed nights, I soon became a regular at those places. Then along came high speed internet and I could satisfy my sick disgusting fantasies at warp speed with a never ending torrent of videos. All this time I knew I had totally destroyed my life, it just disgusts me the type of porn and prostitutes I would engage with. I have tried many many times to stop but always return with a vengeance. As of this post its thirteen days. I was blasted with dopamine today at the drug store by a local gay boy who cross-dresses, that?s exactly what porn turned me into something I never dreamed of, it happens really slowly, years and years of chasing illusions, I am now dealing with my triggers, and when I do get triggered I do some quick meditation, exercise, juggling, and writing in this journal. I cant blame anyone but myself for this problem, if I take full responsibility then I can slowly fix it. I am reading everything I can, writing, and watching as many videos, I can find.

Some of the books I have read since starting my no fap journey: Your Brain on Porn, Breaking the Cycle by George N. Collins, Breaking out of Homeostasis by Ludvig Sunstrom, Quit Porn and Get Rich by Martin Prescott, and currently reading The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd. I highly recommend all these books.

Entering my third week of no PMO, this is not my longest streak, but I feel its my best one. I?ve had longer streaks almost ninety days once, but it felt like I was white knuckling it. This time I feel like with all of the reading, and research I?m learning a whole lot about how it effects my whole life, the brain function, my mood, ambition, social life, and a real big one is concentration. When I am reading a serious book I notice my mind wandering, thinking about other things that have happened or just some other thing that has nothing to do with the subject matter, so I go back and re-read it and try to concentrate more on what I am doing. This thing has negatively affected my whole life, and now I am realizing that, and that really makes me want to reboot for good. I recently read the book ?Quit Porn and Get Rich the Unspoken word of Successful People? by Martin Prescott. Lots of good information in this book, I am reading it for the second time now and trying better to concentrate on the material in the book word for word, when I catch my mind wandering I go back and re-read.

Is porn a self imposed prison sentence? I believe it is at least in my case. It isolates me from the world at large, keeps me confined to my own little world of fantasy, and make believe. People incarcerated have the same kind of dreams, to get out into the world and have relationships with real people, but they have a legitimate reason, there locked up, and they don?t have the @#%?n key. Rebooting is the key for me, to get out of this crummy existence and live my life the way I only have dreamed about.

The easy way I have spent my whole life trying the so called easy way. The one thing I have learned, it?s not working. Porn is my easy button, and all it has done is kept me alone for many years. I look at it and want to be part of the in crowd, but I am on the outside looking in. If I want something good and worthwhile it's going to take time and effort. Instant gratification is not good for long term success. So I am going to keep reading, and learning as much as I can.

How has it been going lately?  You are being quite hard on yourself, not sure that is the right way to think in this regard.  Most people will take the easy way at certain stages of our lives and grab the instant gratification if given a chance-isn't that human nature?  Just keep moving forward as you are on the right track by engaging in this battle. 

Seven weeks no PMO, just going to have to learn some patience, and a good morning routine, some baby step goals, humility, and love and respect for my fellow man. Women are beautiful, and love with a special lady is something I am going to make happen.