Becoming a better man

I have a wrecked marriage behind me. My porn addiction was a large contributing factor to why it didn?t work out. I know that. My ex wife?s truth of it was that we grew apart. I?m not going to spill the beans and take more blame now a year afterwards. It wouldn?t make her happier, nor me.

The year I divorced I turned 40. I got my degree in Landscape sciences and I got a great job in another city. It was perfect for a new life, with new patterns and new routines. Thing is... Wherever you go - There you are. You can change everything around you, but if you don?t change the fundamentals in your self it doesn?t matter.

I got pretty broken about that. I really thought that I could reinvent myself in this new place. But there I was, fapping the days away, feeling like a looser. Previously I thought that I could do this on my own. I now realize that that was foolish. I need help. It started with me telling a few friends about my problem. Now I wasn?t alone anymore. Some of the stigma about the secret had evaporated. I then put blockers on my home network and on my devices. I can get around it if I really try, byt I fix the leaks when I encounter them. And I have started going to a psychologist.

All in all I feel better. I still relapse. But now it?s not so frequent anymore. Right now I?m 5 days PMO-free. And when I relapse it?s isolated incidents followed by fixing the cause and the method used to acquire porn. I haven?t had a binge in months, and that?s a great victory for me.

I still need more continous feedback and accountability related to this problem. That?s why I start this journal. I will update here continously. Hopefully it will help me, and hopefully someone else will get something out of it too.

Showing up is half the battle-the fact that you are here is huge.  It looks like you have a lot of momentum going, as you haven't binged and have decreased usage.  Well done, and best wishes going forward.  Stay in touch!

Your story is a good reminder to all that changing external circumstances does nothing to change the inner landscape.  I don't believe much in web-blockers (external cricumstance).  The best kind of blockers are the ones to be found in the brain.  We are now a bit wiser in our 40's to know that we are up against strong and persistent habits.  But possible to change they are, with the right frame of mind.

So my question to you is what life philosophy will you define for yourself?  In other words, what the important goals will be.  Finding a new woman?  Become part of a social/community group?  Take up a new sport or activity?  Starting a new project?  Learning something new?

The weekend has come and I know I need a plan. I have come to realize that I can't wander aimlessly through life. I need to be in control. Not all the time, that's exhausting... But in general. I have a couple of books on stoicism lying around. This is a philosophy that makes sense to me. I will read this weekend. I also have an appointment for a medical massage. I have some pain in my shoulder and I want to be sure that I can go back to the gym without risk of injury.

With the massage I also get that tactile connection with another human that isn't just a handshake.

Thanks for the comments. I will try to answer them.

Thank you jixu. I feel like I have a good momentum. But there is a risk in that too. The risk of getting too comfortable and relaxed. I still have to be on my guard.

Thank you Leonidas. I spoke with my psychologist and he asked me what would happen if I didn't have any blockers. I told him that without blockers it is like trying to loose weight and still have bowls of candy on every available table in your house. Sure. You can not eat, but it takes more willpower. The blockers only block sites I have no business in visiting anyway, so technically they are no obstacle for my daily use.

I want to meet a new woman someday. I have thought about dating again. It has been twelve years since I met my ex wife and I don't really get dating anymore. It's apps and dating sites and who knows what... I still have a fear that if everything went well with a lady and we got intimate that I still would be unable to perform. I know it's not the worst thing in life. But it scares me. So I'm slowly trying to get to a stage mentally when i pursue new love interests.

I have joined a photography club in my new city and they have meetings and trips together. The activities start later in spring. Right now it's a new storm that hits us every other day. Not great photo weather... Outdoors of course.

I have also gotten a book deal and will become a published author. That will take work and effort to get done.

The title of my journal is "Becoming a better man" and that is not only me striving towards a goal image of what I could become someday. It is a mindset that today I am a better man than I was yesterday. I think a lot about what character traits I admire and become inspired by and try my best to emulate them. I want to put this addiction behind me, be able to stad up straight and look people in the eye.

Today is day seven. The weekends are hard for me. But I will get through this one, not fighting the urges, but living fully and joyously!

I got a match on a dating app this weekend. Turns out the woman and I have a lot of common interests and we have been chatting the last two days. Now I have to be careful with how my thinking might change.

We have a date on Thursday night.
False mindset no.1: I have to keep from relapsing so that if we end up in bed things have a better chance of working.
False mindset no.2: It won't work anyway. What's the point. Better just seek comfort in porn so when everything crashes it won't hurt.
False mindset no.3: I have to keep clean for her. If she wants to be my girlfriend I don't want her to have a porn addict as a boyfriend.

The thing is... It is just a date. A woman has shown interest in an image of me on an app and in online conversation. Nothing more. I have to live a life where I am true to myself. Where I become the kind of man I want to be. Live a life without a secret side of me.
If she wants to be a part of that life. Great. If I think she fits in that life, even better. If I just have a nice date at it turns out it wasn't a good fit... That happens. At least I ate good food and had a conversation.

Today I am 10 days PMO-free. I made it through the weekend. I look forward to this week. Bring it on.

We couldn't wait until Thursday and she invited me over for dinner yesterday. We had a great evening, light talk, deep talk. Singing together.

It is easy to dive in to the deep end now. But one thing that has made it easier for me to keep on the right path to become a better man is my routines and my habits. There will be alterations to the habits when I start dating this woman. But that is the thing. I must adapt and do so consciously.

I am on day twelve now. But this year I have mostly been on the right track. In february I had minor relapses five times. In january, seven times. I have the mindset that a relapse is never ok, but if they happen I will learn from them. I will have fewer and fewer relapses over the year. Hopefully never again.

When I left her yesterday we hugged and she gave me a small kiss on the lips and my dick reacted instantly. Not a full blown erection, but definitely some reaction. I felt hopeful. I felt joy.

As stated earlier. Day twelve. I keep on keeping on.

Day sixteen.

On Thursday she followed me home after our date and we talked and one thing led to another and we wound up in bed together. I did not have PIED but I could't come. It wasn't for lack of trying. I thing maybe I'm trying too hard.

On Friday we hung out again and sat in my couch, talking about everything and nothing. I felt that this was quickly getting serious and I decided that I had to open up about my porn addiction. She didn't quite understand, but we have spoken on the topic more and she's getting to understand how I've come to get a weird and unhealthy with porn. She doesn't judge me and I find it easier and easier to open up to her. I'm falling for this woman. Hard.

It is also easier to not have any porn cravings when you are having sex regularly. She has her kids every other week, so later this week we will not be able to see each other for seven days. I hope I won't fall back inte the trap. No! Not hoping. I will make certain I will not fall back into the trap.

I had one minor ssetback. One little relapse and I througt it no big deal. It was a big deal. Though she had stated that porn was a turnon for her and the idea of me watching thrilled her, once I told her she got upset. We talked about it. At length. Since then I haven't indulged further. I have lost count on days. It isn't important. I don't look at porn.

She said yesterday that perhaps we could watch together. As it wasn't the fact that I watched that was the problem, but that I said I wouldn't and still did it. The breaking of my word. She felt unattractive she also said. I said that I didn't think it was a good idea to invite porn into our bedroom. I want to be with her. Porn will steal focus away from her and that's the last thing I want.

I have gotten to experience intimate sex. It's less fucking and more making love. We're a couple now. I experience butterflies in my stomach again. Didn't see that one coming.

Will I have another setback? Pehaps. I hope not. I do think that all my striving towards being a better man put me in a place where I could be the kind of man, the kind of woman I was looking for was looking for. 

Yesterday Me and my GF were driving home from my parents and we started talking about the daughter I lost in my previous marriage. She was stillborn. A great loss, that I thought I had dealt with and put behind me. But there is still a wound in my soul. There was a lot of tears in the car.

When we got back she had a studio appointment and I went home to my place. The thoughts of my lost child still in my head. I started to look att youtube to numb out. Didn't work very well. I somehow got access to nsfw material on the computer and started peeking. But I realized that this was not a healthy coping method, and I took a nap in stead.