DarksideofTim
Member
I am 42 years old. I have been a PA for probably close to 20 years now. For the first 15 it didn't seem to impact my life or at least that is what I told myself.
I have been married for 12 years now, have 3 kids. In the last 5 years I started to develop PIED, first I tried to deny it, blamed my wife for gaining some weight, told her nasty things when I got mad. I did some research and realized it is all related to my Porn use. I would PMO 5 to 10 times a week, anytime I was stressed out or just to feel better about something.
For the last 3 - 4 years, me and my wife started growing apart, we started to spend less time together and just went about our days. The PIED made me terrified and I actively started avoiding sex. 3 Years ago she found some Porn on my computer and was super pissed, I told her some terrible things as I was lashing out. We almost divorced right there, she even moved out for a week.
I told her I would stop and tried to do better, I lasted maybe 30 days, after that I tried to just limit the PMO to 1 or 2 times a week, but it didn't last and 6 months later I was back to my full habits. To combat the PIED I got some V and that did help, but it always gave me headaches and was very hard to plan when wife wanted spontaneous sex. I did not tell her about the V, so first she thought I was improving and for a year or so things were ok. 6 Months ago the wife caught me PMOing and again I tried to reboot, but work stress and other factors always made me relapse.
I have ADHD and have pretty bad impulse control. Very hard for me to help around the house and get most things that are not planned done. My job doesn't help since I work from home 2-3 times a week and is very unstructured. My energy levels are pretty low and its just very hard to get anything accomplished. My blood pressure is getting high and I haven't really exercised in years. The ADHD really makes it hard to stop the PMO, I've made so many stupid decisions in life due to wanting instant gratification. When I need stress reliever, I can almost convince myself of anything.
2 days ago, my wife came to me and I could tell it was going to be a bad conversation, she has been pretty distant last few days, she told me she felt 100% undesired and lost all purpose in life. She even said that when she was driving if I semi hit her she would welcome it. I've never felt so much pain in my life. She doesn't think I can fix it and it might lead to divorce. I love her and she still does loves me, but our marriage cannot survive another episode. I have to take control of my life and stop the lies.
I am not 100% sure how to fix it. I have been reading this site for a while now and see some success stories and similar failures that I have experienced.
I am going to go to see someone about the ADHD, i am hoping if I can control some of the impulses I can have a better chance of success. I usually get hyper-focused on whatever I enjoy doing. I think if I can redirect some of my energy towards exercise or something else it will keep me from getting distracted.
2 Days clean.
I have been married for 12 years now, have 3 kids. In the last 5 years I started to develop PIED, first I tried to deny it, blamed my wife for gaining some weight, told her nasty things when I got mad. I did some research and realized it is all related to my Porn use. I would PMO 5 to 10 times a week, anytime I was stressed out or just to feel better about something.
For the last 3 - 4 years, me and my wife started growing apart, we started to spend less time together and just went about our days. The PIED made me terrified and I actively started avoiding sex. 3 Years ago she found some Porn on my computer and was super pissed, I told her some terrible things as I was lashing out. We almost divorced right there, she even moved out for a week.
I told her I would stop and tried to do better, I lasted maybe 30 days, after that I tried to just limit the PMO to 1 or 2 times a week, but it didn't last and 6 months later I was back to my full habits. To combat the PIED I got some V and that did help, but it always gave me headaches and was very hard to plan when wife wanted spontaneous sex. I did not tell her about the V, so first she thought I was improving and for a year or so things were ok. 6 Months ago the wife caught me PMOing and again I tried to reboot, but work stress and other factors always made me relapse.
I have ADHD and have pretty bad impulse control. Very hard for me to help around the house and get most things that are not planned done. My job doesn't help since I work from home 2-3 times a week and is very unstructured. My energy levels are pretty low and its just very hard to get anything accomplished. My blood pressure is getting high and I haven't really exercised in years. The ADHD really makes it hard to stop the PMO, I've made so many stupid decisions in life due to wanting instant gratification. When I need stress reliever, I can almost convince myself of anything.
2 days ago, my wife came to me and I could tell it was going to be a bad conversation, she has been pretty distant last few days, she told me she felt 100% undesired and lost all purpose in life. She even said that when she was driving if I semi hit her she would welcome it. I've never felt so much pain in my life. She doesn't think I can fix it and it might lead to divorce. I love her and she still does loves me, but our marriage cannot survive another episode. I have to take control of my life and stop the lies.
I am not 100% sure how to fix it. I have been reading this site for a while now and see some success stories and similar failures that I have experienced.
I am going to go to see someone about the ADHD, i am hoping if I can control some of the impulses I can have a better chance of success. I usually get hyper-focused on whatever I enjoy doing. I think if I can redirect some of my energy towards exercise or something else it will keep me from getting distracted.
2 Days clean.