Hey All,
had a waaaay to long and confusing story here so I am now editing this to make it more logical and easier to follow:
I'm 25 now and have been an avid porn user since I was 11-12. First started with dial-up modem internet, 56kbs schreeching all the way to deliver some ladies to the young me, then after broadband got to us things have gotten out of hand. The typical story I believe.
I did not have very good success with girls till I was 18 due to my growing anxiety and the way porn had given me a very false impression on what is important in a relationship. Lost my virginity while being 18, albeit not the best way: got into an ugly affair with the girlfriend of my best friend. Made some silly decision there.
First time having sexual intercourse, a very scary effect appeared afterwards making me hating myself and being disgusted with the human body. Honestly have no idea till now what really caused that, but it took me 2-3 relationships to come out of this set of mind.
While having those relationships I still busied myself with PMO.
It was till in 2012 August (when I was 22) when I first met YBOP and decided to stay abstinent for a while. This worked out while staying away 1 year on abroad, but when moving back with my family I have started with MO which led back very fast to PMO.
After graduating university and finding a steady job in 2014, I have ended the year with reuniting with one of my not so close friends, who later became much more than that. This girl is now my girlfriend, and to whom I am really thankful for so many things. She got me over my controversial thoughts regarding having sex. With her I never felt the regret as with others. She gives me all her loving, and I try to support her in all I can.
As a silly decision I have restarted PMO when she started working a lot during the Summer of 2015, before that I was kind of clean for 2-3 months.
This and the constant fatigue we had from work has worn down our relationship a bit, but we still had many meaningful moments together and I could stop watching porn again at the end of the Summer fuelled by these positive things happening.
One thing happened though that have changed a lot. She has applied to a scholarship to East-Asia before we got together, about which's success she was ever doubtful. In the mean time we have decided to move in September 2015 to the neighbouring country (EU style) because I have found any education I could not get in our own. This would have been our first time moving in together, which we both had high hopes of.
But in the end she got accepted to the scholarship, and being honest with herself she accepted this once-in-a-life opportunity. Understanding her motives I went with a full support for her decision.
This has caused the current situation: since end of August we live in the two end of the world: she in Asia, I attending the new university in the new country. After seeing her off at the airport, I did not know what to feel. One hand I was so proud and cheering for her, other side I was quite sad to let her go.
This caused the situation I am trying to end now, which is that in my first days in the I went on a PMO-spree trying to silence my emotions and sadness. It got out of hand, me not caring for myself, not taking a shower and changing clothes either.
Before first classes I have finally decided to get hold of myself. On one hand to be successful in my new life situation, other hand as to be able to be there for her when we finally get to converse through the internet.
So this is my journal. First time since 2012 I fully renounce PMO. This time not just for a year.
Objective: Fill the time I spent with PMO and idling with more useful things: studying, learning more of the language here, coming up with new friends, possibly making my girlfriend a present (such as a poem, song, or a gift to be sent).
had a waaaay to long and confusing story here so I am now editing this to make it more logical and easier to follow:
I'm 25 now and have been an avid porn user since I was 11-12. First started with dial-up modem internet, 56kbs schreeching all the way to deliver some ladies to the young me, then after broadband got to us things have gotten out of hand. The typical story I believe.
I did not have very good success with girls till I was 18 due to my growing anxiety and the way porn had given me a very false impression on what is important in a relationship. Lost my virginity while being 18, albeit not the best way: got into an ugly affair with the girlfriend of my best friend. Made some silly decision there.
First time having sexual intercourse, a very scary effect appeared afterwards making me hating myself and being disgusted with the human body. Honestly have no idea till now what really caused that, but it took me 2-3 relationships to come out of this set of mind.
While having those relationships I still busied myself with PMO.
It was till in 2012 August (when I was 22) when I first met YBOP and decided to stay abstinent for a while. This worked out while staying away 1 year on abroad, but when moving back with my family I have started with MO which led back very fast to PMO.
After graduating university and finding a steady job in 2014, I have ended the year with reuniting with one of my not so close friends, who later became much more than that. This girl is now my girlfriend, and to whom I am really thankful for so many things. She got me over my controversial thoughts regarding having sex. With her I never felt the regret as with others. She gives me all her loving, and I try to support her in all I can.
As a silly decision I have restarted PMO when she started working a lot during the Summer of 2015, before that I was kind of clean for 2-3 months.
This and the constant fatigue we had from work has worn down our relationship a bit, but we still had many meaningful moments together and I could stop watching porn again at the end of the Summer fuelled by these positive things happening.
One thing happened though that have changed a lot. She has applied to a scholarship to East-Asia before we got together, about which's success she was ever doubtful. In the mean time we have decided to move in September 2015 to the neighbouring country (EU style) because I have found any education I could not get in our own. This would have been our first time moving in together, which we both had high hopes of.
But in the end she got accepted to the scholarship, and being honest with herself she accepted this once-in-a-life opportunity. Understanding her motives I went with a full support for her decision.
This has caused the current situation: since end of August we live in the two end of the world: she in Asia, I attending the new university in the new country. After seeing her off at the airport, I did not know what to feel. One hand I was so proud and cheering for her, other side I was quite sad to let her go.
This caused the situation I am trying to end now, which is that in my first days in the I went on a PMO-spree trying to silence my emotions and sadness. It got out of hand, me not caring for myself, not taking a shower and changing clothes either.
Before first classes I have finally decided to get hold of myself. On one hand to be successful in my new life situation, other hand as to be able to be there for her when we finally get to converse through the internet.
So this is my journal. First time since 2012 I fully renounce PMO. This time not just for a year.
Objective: Fill the time I spent with PMO and idling with more useful things: studying, learning more of the language here, coming up with new friends, possibly making my girlfriend a present (such as a poem, song, or a gift to be sent).