Hello all,
To make a long story short, I've been struggling with this addiction for over a decade now. The biggest difference now is that I am engaged to be married in a little over 2 months. At several points during my now 3-year long relationship, I've come clean about this addiction. In fact, I was brutally open and honest about it at the start. And my now-fiance was, and always has been, incredibly understanding. I even went 6 months (after first admitting all of this to her) without P or MB. It felt effortless!
But I always find myself going back to it, particularly in times of great stress. And while I've promised to tell her when I'm struggling last two times I've come clean, I continue to break that promise every week. And now we're getting married in just a few months.
It makes me sick thinking that, throughout the majority of our engagement, I've looked at P on and off and she hasn't known about it. I don't want that to be how I remember this time of my life. And I don't know why I don't just tell her when I'm struggling. She's always been so understanding before. It's like I hide it for so long to a point where I'm afraid to tell her. Is it that I don't want to tell her? That thought is troubling, but I have to confront it. I'm also afraid to come clean now, as we've already been dealing with great stress lately due to the wedding being just around the corner, but I feel like it's wrong to continue to hide this from her any longer. Or to get married without her ever knowing that I've broken my promise to her twice. I don't know if I can carry that secret or that guilt forever. I know, it's a small thing compared to what others deal with in life, but I don't want to use that as an excuse. Marriages can't have secrets like this. It's just not right.
The worst idea in my head is that this is affecting our engagement and my commitment to wedding planning. But again, I must confront what's in my head.
I feel a bit too self-deprecating and despondent to really dig into this tonight, but I plan on doing so in the weeks ahead. And talking with my fiance about this in depth. She deserves a partner who is honest and communicates with her when he is struggling. Biggest of all, I need to find a way to deal with stress and emotional/mental exhaustion. I've always struggled with this, so it's time to confront that as well.
More later. Thank you for your time, and good luck to you all.
To make a long story short, I've been struggling with this addiction for over a decade now. The biggest difference now is that I am engaged to be married in a little over 2 months. At several points during my now 3-year long relationship, I've come clean about this addiction. In fact, I was brutally open and honest about it at the start. And my now-fiance was, and always has been, incredibly understanding. I even went 6 months (after first admitting all of this to her) without P or MB. It felt effortless!
But I always find myself going back to it, particularly in times of great stress. And while I've promised to tell her when I'm struggling last two times I've come clean, I continue to break that promise every week. And now we're getting married in just a few months.
It makes me sick thinking that, throughout the majority of our engagement, I've looked at P on and off and she hasn't known about it. I don't want that to be how I remember this time of my life. And I don't know why I don't just tell her when I'm struggling. She's always been so understanding before. It's like I hide it for so long to a point where I'm afraid to tell her. Is it that I don't want to tell her? That thought is troubling, but I have to confront it. I'm also afraid to come clean now, as we've already been dealing with great stress lately due to the wedding being just around the corner, but I feel like it's wrong to continue to hide this from her any longer. Or to get married without her ever knowing that I've broken my promise to her twice. I don't know if I can carry that secret or that guilt forever. I know, it's a small thing compared to what others deal with in life, but I don't want to use that as an excuse. Marriages can't have secrets like this. It's just not right.
The worst idea in my head is that this is affecting our engagement and my commitment to wedding planning. But again, I must confront what's in my head.
I feel a bit too self-deprecating and despondent to really dig into this tonight, but I plan on doing so in the weeks ahead. And talking with my fiance about this in depth. She deserves a partner who is honest and communicates with her when he is struggling. Biggest of all, I need to find a way to deal with stress and emotional/mental exhaustion. I've always struggled with this, so it's time to confront that as well.
More later. Thank you for your time, and good luck to you all.