Another Attempt

Hey all,

Today is the last time I will ever watch porn or stimulate myself through artificial digital means. Now, I have said this before---Many times. What makes this time different? Crippling depression? Anxiety? Fear of losing the one you love most? All of the above.

In the past I have always posted about all of things I am going to do to overcome this addiction. Only to falter, and disassociate myself from the problem. Relapse after relapse...I am good for about 5 days then I will find myself in a situation her I am by myself...horny as fuck...and no self control. After the relapse...intense feelings of shame and depression...the nagging fear of the collapse of my relationship, my perpetuation of sexual dysfunction....yes PIED is real. In order to have sex, I have had to go to Sex therapy....get ED pills to allow me to stay hard...but even then...there is no release.

The whole Sexual process has become some big Awkward monster of a feeling between my wife and I. She has been nothing but supportive....But I keep lying to her...and its killing me. I can't do it anymore.

I have done everything I can think of to ensure I do not view any pornographic material. Phone is on lock down with restrictions PW help by my wife. K9 is set up on my computer---I edited the host file within windows and also looked into setting up open DNS for my network....

I have no instagram, twitter, or reddit...only facebook---I use youtube on a regular basis and today the culprit was using VIMEO to look at some really artsy photo shoots....this is where I fell...I have since added Vimeo to the Host File, and hope to never go there again.

I downloaded this APP that I think will help me with my mission...It keeps track of my progress and gives me kind of a physical way of looking at what I am doing.

I will be using this as a journal for the next 90+ days....lets see if I can make it past 5 days this week....

Thanks for listening, and for any support

2/23/2019
1:53 PM
Day 2

All is well so far...Found myself with quite the urges this morning. I have noticed that I am inclined to view porn under certain circumstances.

Criteria for relapse

1.) Being home alone
Being home alone allows for the freedom to do whatever you want. With no one around, it is very easy for me to lose control and slip into the vice of pornography. In the past I would probably waste 2 or more hours on it every time I found myself with some spare time by myself. Which leads to the next piece.

2.) Boredom
All alone with nothing to do is not good for me. I need to find something to do. "Idle hands are the devils plaything" comes to mind...and it's absolutely true. I will watch porn out of complete boredom knowing full well I have things I could be working on to better improve my life. This instant gratification of pornography does me no good...I need to break from that.

3.) Stress
Stress plays a huge role into why I compulsively FAP. IT FEELS GOOD! Why wouldn't I do it? That rush of dopamine hits me like a drug...but its fleeting...never in my life Have I experienced pleasure that comes and goes so quick...The rush and the pleasure are gone as soon as they came...leaving me empty and discouraged...this is the feeling I need to remember. The greatest deterrence is the feeling of shame, weakness, and lustful breaking of a promise made to a loved one...That is the feeling I need to remember


Knowing these behaviors and recognizing them ill will help me avoid serious relapse...It's on me.
I Think I am going to start talking to a therapist soon...I have done so in the past but only like one session. I feel like its an important step to try to get another perspective and maybe a tool set I have yet to discover to help me with this.

Don't give up, MuuneBewts.

First few days are often the hardest because the urge to return to PMO is almost non-stop problem. After a while, your brain will leave you alone for most of the time and only tries to trick you into relapse now and then. Usually when you are alone, stressed, tired, excited,...but you know that. We all have these triggers.

Do not shame yourself too much if you happen to relapse. Feeling bad can send you back on a downward spiral. Be proud of how long you lasted without PMO and make a goal to do better next time.

Most of us found out that just removing P from our lives is not enough. You have to add new good habits/hobbies/mindset to use the time/energy that you were wasting on P so far.

2/24/2019
11:08 PM
Day 3

Thanks Kitty hawk. I appreciate the advice and encouragement!

Day 3 without a hitch. Just checking in. Stayed busy all day and cooked dinner for my lady. Played some guitar and had a pretty good productive day over all.

What sort of work do you do Bewt, I'm guessing you read a lot on the computer, do you have time to read books as well?

2/26/2019
1:13pm
Day 5?cruising right along

Hey Georgos! I work on computers diagnosing and fixing medical instruments remotely. So I am on the computer a lot usually at the office but sometimes from home.

As far as your reading question, I do read multiple types of books. In fact, my lady and I have begun a ritual of reading some erotica before bed and sexy time. I find this to help develope and fix some of the intimacy issues due to my porn habits. She is a very sexual person so we are finding ways to develope our sexuality with eachother better.

This brings me to a new topic. I am lucky enough to have a partner who is fully supportive but also critical of me and this process. Because it effects her sex life as well. I used to be one of those people who often wondered why people who have girlfriends turn to porn...the reason I have learned now is that porn destroys the realistic view of sex and intimacy with a real human. Porn replaces the human in terms of sexual desire/intimacy.

That fact is something I can?t abide and why I?m on this journey now. Not only to gain self control but also fix my relationship with sex. I am lucky to have a very sexy sexual lady in my life willing to explore both of our desires with very limited boundaries.

Hi Muuune, I used to read erotic books when I was young and fap to them which probably wasn't very healthy. Using them to get you in the mood for sex is probably ok though. Besides there is a difference between erotic material and porn, although that argument is quite worn, and often abused. Eros is a form of love, porn isn't, is the basic distinction.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get your job in the first place? It is an area I'd be interested in working in too. Are you self-employed as a consultant or the like, or do you work for an institution like a university or government department?

I apologies if these are a bit too personal questions. I am genuinely iinterested in developing my career in health care analysis, and would like to explore my options.

Cheers.

Hi Muune,

I hope I didn't put you off posting. I don't know if you've been following my journal, but perhaps you know I suffer from schizophrenia, last time I posted on your journal I was relapsing somewhat in a fantasy world, which is why I asked such personal questions, I basically thought you were someone else, and that you could help be to become someone else. I really hope this didn't put you off. If it happens again you can just ignore it, as you did.

Anyway, how are you getting on with your reboot, which is the important thing?