Rising Every Time We Fall

UPDATE *I currently do not have an accountability partner. I am requesting someone who currently has been porn-free for at least three months, so that I can better help you*

Hi, I have introduced myself on the porn threads, but I can briefly repeat myself here. This journal isn't about me suffering, recovering, or struggling with porn addiction. I already did that in 2009-11. This is about loving my porn-free life. I have a balanced sexuality today without porn and it might be useful for those struggling against porn to see that indeed - freedom from porn is worth it. Also, what is past porn addiction? Many journals will likely be focused on porn addiction, but what is life like beyond being addicted or the daily struggle? I am not saying I am better than anyone, but surely I am not even with my 6 years spent porn-free. But, as I was struggling years ago, it could have really helped me if I had known about anyone with significant time away from porn that was once a heavy porn addict. So, you can read my posts below for encouragement and inspiration. I am no saint, but I have had a pleasant story to tell about my conquering of the addiction and what that is like today. My journal consists of my life, but I will take a special interest in looking at my porn-free life and how that has influenced me day-to-day. Thank you for reading my journal and blessings to you in your journey to freedom (or enjoying that freedom if you already journeyed) My original introduction can be found here http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=16733.0

Welcome!
We'd love to hear more!

And funny to see some TNR here

*names have been changed for confidentiality*

Seeing that I am studying to be a teacher, TNR seems to be appropriate. Also, why be like everyone else? It's ok to be different. But, I'm going back to the default. Thanks for that comment imaquitter - made me think.

Today, has been going well. Being free from porn is great, but it is a double edged sword I find. For instance, I have been single for three years and not having porn around is like a bustling city that has become a ghost town. My sexuality has greatly been reduced in many ways. Clearly, my overt sexuality I had during my addiction is no more. On the oppose side of that coin is that the quiet is allowing me to focus on other things. How much time did I spent on porn? It was about 3-4 hours a day during the height of my addition. This is 24.5 hours a week - a part time job. So, I am happily putting my time into schooling and my hobby.

Along the lines of sexuality, I have been dating on and off these three years since my divorce. So, I am dating this girl, Asuka, that I really like. But, things are moving slow there and nothing to report. We go on long hikes together and we both love nature. My porn-free life has less sexuality in it, but the quality is much higher. It's stuff that I want to see and not stuff that I feel I have to see. There is also an emotional perk: I feel closer to my date and more compassionate with her. Clearly, it's hard to describe living porn-free, for me, because it is more of a feeling state than something that can be observed. I feel more sexually healthy and my body is more responsive emotionally - especially during dates. I also feel more in control of myself, which is a great thing. I am moving out of the realm of sexual attraction into the spiritual and deeper states of human consciousness.

My greatest fear was to quit porn with my girlfriend still with me and later for our relationship to fall apart. What might it be like to have no sexual outlet? Would I explode? So, yes the worst case did happen - but I didn't explode  ;D. I married her with about two years again from porn and then two years later she wanted a divorce. So, I was on my own and living porn-free. What do I do? Well, I did my best to remain off of porn and I also was very proud of myself for doing so. It wasn't easy, but I am now on a great track of living porn-free without any partner or physical support. I still have a sexuality, but it's far less focused on than previously. It's nice not constantly thinking of porn or shaping my day around using it.

So, there isn't much to report today. I am working on my school work to get a BA , so that I can teach. My risk of relapse is 0 out of 10, because I love my sexuality as it is and don't want to open a mystery box from the dark net. I have extensive writings I have made and kept. In them, I list all the things that do happen when I have opened a mystery box, which has happened many times. What would likely happen if I did go use porn is I would very likely feel less reliance on my date, Asuka, for any input. There would also very likely be more reason for me to hole up into my room, close the door, and find less of a desire to be with another person. Being that I am getting close with Asuke, my non-sexual date, I don't see how that porn use could be helpful in my pursuit of something I want. Growing up, porn use proved to be an agent of sexually anorexia for me. For instance, looking at the choice of going to a party with lots of girls in high school or staying home using porn... I preferred staying home.

A short message here because I have lots of homework to do and it's pilling up. Things remain busy at my house including my parents remodeling a good majority of the important spots like the kitchen and living room. So, getting around take much longer to do like getting dishes or anything food wise. This has been taking it's toll in how much schooling I can do. Granite people trying to do stuff and want me help lift ect.
As for a porn-free life, it's okay at this point. Being Valentines day, it always sucks to be reminded in what I don't have: love and happiness with another partner. So, that sucks too. Also, I was intimate, for the first time, with my horrific relationship on Valentines day, so it's a crappy holiday for me with all the bad stuff associated with it. I'm not a huge fan on "love" because there has been a lot of stinging afterwards. Not worth it to me! Would love to be shown how I am wrong, but good luck there. Rainy outside for what seems like weeks and not feeling too great today. Love? I have not seen that it years. Any kind of real intimate relationship with a woman? No, again been a long time. So, moving forward and here is to a likely good Summer.

Today is good, nothing to report. Last night I did have a dream about my ex. It was intense, but it was about me on the road playing music and my ex was with me. She had always wanted me to be famous or rich or something and I couldn't be those things, so I apologized for being less than in the dream. I felt I didn't provide enough for her in terms of finances and this is partially true, but she was overly focused on famous people and failed to see that I was only doing my best.

I also learned that after divorcing with me she went onto Facebook and stalked a famous guy whom I am friends with. Sad how shallow some people can be.

Josh seems to have deleted his account...

By the way, what is "TNR"?

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