Strive for more. Betterman.

Relationships. You want them, maybe need them. PMO can kill it all. Right? So why did I spend the last decade and a half throwing them away while struggling to keep them at the same time?!
Sheesh.
After many attempts to isolate what my problem is I've come to terms with my bad behavior. PMO IS killing my relationship, my self esteem, and energy. PMO has gotta go.

I've made gains, unintentionally, in the right direction since the start of the year. Slowly turned PMO into other various activities. Work, sleep, and best of all: trail running. January turned a daily activity of hunting for various triggers and PMO into a once every few days then only once a week. I wasn't aware of the program then but I do now and I want to make a journal to stay strong! I won't be setting a specific goal of number of days but I want to cut PMO out or at worst, once a month. I feel like that is fair to myself if I A)have an urge and B)don't frustrate myself for having a slip up. But I also want to show my SO that I've changed and I and able to try to have a healthy relationship finally.

That said here is some background to me, myself, and I:
I'm 32M and currently living an unhealthy relationship for the last 7 years with my SO, 26yrs, whom had put up with my bullshit for too long. We have always had a rocky sexual relationship and as a result we are currently fighting to stay together. Both of us want to be with one another and put up with way too much hassle all likely spawning from my behavior with PMO.
We spent the first 4 years together in a long distance relationship. She was 3 hours away from me at college while I was also working and going to school elsewhere. We loved our time together! We were happy and had some sex now and then. As the years went on it became less and less.

Embarrassing to say that I haven't had sex with her more than a handful of times in the last 3 years!  Why she was willing to stay I can't ever say. She clearly cares about me, that's all I know! We've been living together for those 3 years and are working on rebuilding the romance by virtue of me finally taking assistance. I've begun taking anxiety and depression medications to reduce any issues mentally and it allowed me to be more pleasant for her given the circumstances. (See above for January situation)

I combined my better behavior with a co-worker whom had introduced me to trail running and ultramarathons! I spent the tail end of 2018 running lazily but completing the furthest races I have even done! In August I managed a 10 mile "stump jump" trail run and in December a 20 mile trail run. I wont be winning any age group medals or anything but I have proven I can achieve and overcome! In March I will be doing my first ever marsthon, street, and challenge 5k the day before. I really want my PMO energy to transfer over and become a better person.

I would love an accountability  partner with perhaps a similar problem/experience. I need an objective  person who won't judge but still try and help me cope and keep from failing myself and my SO. I don't have a close friend around to really talk this out with so it would do wonders for me I think. This individual is preferably same age(ish). I always appreciate the perspective of the opposite gender on matters of the heart. Preferably non religious.

Phew! This is long, I promise to be shorter in the future. I just want to get it out there now and feel like maybe I'm taking steps in a better direction.I

My triggers are numerous and I don't feel comfortable enough to put them on display just yet but if I have an awesome individual of an AP I know I'll be able to spill my guts.

Thank you for taking the time to read any, and or all, of my journal ahead of time. Good luck out there, you amazing people!

Day 4

Having a difficult time trying to avoid bad thoughts. I find myself being sucked in by mundane images. I watch a lot of videos on youtube about working out and the recent theme for my home page seems to be filled with body transformations and workouts. My thoughts are fine at first: wow, she has an amazing body that's so impressive. turned into darker thoughts.

I had a very busy weekend and couldn't find time to get my usual running in. I hope its just this extra 'energy' that is bringing me down.

Day 7!

So many triggers. Ugh. I feel horrible when the thoughts come up, which is way more often than when I was not rebooting. I understand why the thoughts come up, but they are so mean.

I've noticed over the last week now that my habits really need to change around the home to make not have issues. The porn blocker is becoming a better and better idea. Anyone used it? I could use some advice either here or in a PM about how well it may handle certain things.

I have a feeling I am also experiencing some woes because of how close my first marathon date is approaching. I am so unprepared but forcing myself to do this. I want to accomplish it! I want to accomplish my reboot too and I think that runners high is going to keep a bunch of my positivity going forward. Till then, I may struggle to stay clean AND put miles in prep. 15 days, 6 hours to go.

Day 11

SO is out of the house and I had a chance to sleep in. Really wanted to PMO. I haven't slept well since Friday night. Went for a run and hurt my knee. Too much heel striking and put pain on my joint.

I toss and turn a lot st night an PMO help me sleep. Damn triggers
Home alone, check. No work, check. No responsibility for the next few hours, check. Temptation is high. Check and double check.

Fighting for it but I can't do my normal mood elevator! Focus. Focus. focus. came here to post instead.

I hope you are still making some progress, Loth0.
I am in a similar situation as you. You can do it, just find some activity (other than PMO) to fill your down time.

LothO, besides reading I want to get back into the habit of doing ten minutes visualisation meditation every day, but for the time being, reading is my priority, are you up for the challenge of reading a chapter a day?

I wish I could! Georgos, honestly I fell off the wagon while away from posting.

Made it 20 days and then fell hard.
----------------------

Starting over. I feel shame for having failed, but I will be better now.

Days clean: 1

Been a rollercoaster. The struggle got a bit easier with consistent exercise and staying busy with school. Came into spring break weekend and found myself with too much time on my hands and old habits returned. I failed. Lesson learned. Trying again now!

Day 2. Try 2.

Going well. Feeling better. Just keep on keeping on. Avoiding triggers is the key, right?

Day 4

Found myself deciding a lot of hard life choices lately and pmo is high on clawing st my brain. Been avoiding it so far.

If focused on my schoolwork and been talking to a new potential partner, or friend. Chasing her gives me thrills and chills. I think it helps to devote my attention to her and not be getting any love/sex return from her. Keeps me a bit safer. I do see how this could be a double edged sword though. I love to flirt with her but she's hesitant to reply to it right now. Idk. See where this goes for now.

Focus on on daily goal. Make it a day. Make it 2. Turn it to a week. Bam you can do it!

Relationship ended last night. Tried so hard to avoid spiraling out. Managed to get by with only some frustrated groping of myself before bed. I really need to contain myself better with that habit. I'm not edging but I am certainly not doing a good job of avoiding myself. I find that it's more of a "I wish I could rip this thing off and be better"

I'm bleak, hopeful, and nervous for the future without a significant other in my life.

Sorry to hear that about your relationship, Loth0.
Be extra vigilant as that sounds like a big potential trigger to me. Remember that you are not doing this for somebody else but for you and you alone. If you stay on this track, you will eventually attract somebody even better to your life. I am speaking from experience on this one.

Good luck and stay strong