34 years old and still addicted

KittyHawk

Active Member
I can't believe it is over 2 years already since I started here my first journal. I will be turning 34 tomorrow and I am still addicted to PMO. I know PMO is to blame for my problems already 4-5 years and I still wasn't able to get rid of this curse. Two main things changed over last couple years though.
1) In a desperate attempt not to orgasm to P, I developed edging habit... no O, but PM sometimes for hours... not healthy at all, I know.
2) Buying smartphone just gave me another highway to P on demand and set me back for months.

I know my addiction cost me health, professional progress, lots of potential income, and ability to have normal sex with my wife. If I could just make a conscious decision to stop, I would sign up immediately. I hate how weak I am.

Today I relapsed after 14 days of no PMO. I did some short edging in that time period though.

I am trying to find all the triggers and analyze my behavior lately.

Risk factors / Triggers

1) being online (Laptop, smartphone, doesn't matter. I always disable all the P blockers in a feverish frenzy)
2) having time alone
3) not having O for cca 4 days (the urge is strongest on day 4)
4) recently having O after a longer abstinence (chaser effect)
5) being under stress (and I have plenty of it lately, big financial problems certainly don't help)

I am still trying to figure out if I have bigger chance going "cold turkey" or doing quick MO with no P every 4-5 days. So far it looks like I suck at both strategies.  :eek:

Solutions I came up with lately:
I don't leave smartphone on my nightstand. I place it so far from my bed as possible for a night. It worked pretty well...mostly.
Trying to work out a watch comedies to burn stress hormones and create some healthy ones.

If you have some strategies/tools to cope with triggers, please don't hesitate to share.
 

Pete McVries

Active Member
Welcome back!

KittyHawk said:
I am still trying to figure out if I have bigger chance going "cold turkey" or doing quick MO with no P every 4-5 days. So far it looks like I suck at both strategies.  :eek:

Going cold turkey is the answer. I've been rebooting for 3 years now and I tried the quick MO thing. It ALWAYS leads back to porn because it seems like the brain wants more. I've also followed rebooters who were doing it with MO and they always fell back. The anecdotal evidence also points in the direction that going without MO tends to speed up the recovery progress. Just give your body and most importantly your brain a rest.

KittyHawk said:
In a desperate attempt not to orgasm to P, I developed edging habit... no O, but PM sometimes for hours... not healthy at all, I know.

I guess you kind of know it already but that's by far the worst thing you can do. Edging fries your dopamine receptors. Going from scene to scene, from "actress" to "actress", from fetish to fetish, man just stop, do yourself the favor. We all know the studies that show how badly porn affects the brain. And I really don't want to scare you. But I dread the day long term studies of P users will come out. I mean, I want to know what effects P has long term but I fear the results. I truly believe some damage done to the brain can't be fully reversed. So, no more edging. You've said, it's already a habit, so changing it won't come easily but it must be done.

KittyHawk said:
Today I relapsed after 14 days of no PMO. I did some short edging in that time period though.

The peeking also needs to stop. You are reinforcing your brain's P pathways. Progress will be very slow that way if there is progress at all. "Just one quick look" will turn into edging will turn into binging will turn into fast forward a month and you are still on Day 0. Stop wasting your precious time. Do it the right way, or prepare yourself for little to no results. I don't want to demotivate you but you have to be aware of the fact that you have to completely eliminate your intended exposure to artificial sexual exposure. Yes, there will be hiccups, there might even be relapses, that is to be expected, but do it the right way from the beginning or you might as well stop right in it's tracks.

KittyHawk said:
Risk factors / Triggers

1) being online (Laptop, smartphone, doesn't matter. I always disable all the P blockers in a feverish frenzy)
2) having time alone

Combine these two and you have the perfect hotbed for relapses to happen. So what are you going to do about? Start using the internet mindfully. When you go to the computer, make up your mind before what you want to do. Then do it, then shut it down. Mindlessly browsing the internet leads to going from infotainment sites to social media to... man this is boring, let's have a quick look at my favorite tube site. You get the idea.

If you start doing it, you got a lot of free time at your hands. So, I'm not the one telling you how to spend your time, just make up your mind how you could spend your time, find new hobbies, read, start going to the gym, go to martial arts classes, be creative, start learning languages or an instrument, there are thousands of possibilities.

You said, you were edging a lot, in other words wasting your time, so I think, it will be crucial for you to find one or two replacement activities. Oh, you get bonus points for social activities ;).

I also want to recommend you Matt Fradd's book "The Porn Myth". It examines porn's destructive nature from a variety of different angles. I honestly can't recommend it enough. For me, it was a game changer.

Lastly, I urge you to meditate/think deeply about what will happen if you continue to use P. How will your life be 5 years from now, when you're 40 and are still watching P. I have a few ideas but I want you to map it all out.

Take care, and good luck!

Oh, and happy birthday. Give yourself the greatest present you can give and start building a foundation to a PMO free life.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Pete McVries, you are right. I need to put an end to edging. I have very little free time lately as I spend a lot of time at work. The very little time off that I should use for relaxation and recharging is always a huge potential trigger. I might be the biggest PMO addict there is.

DAY 1
I must have abuse myself pretty badly last time. Although I had an O recently, I had trouble sleeping and thoughts about P kept lurking around. But I managed to stay completely clean. Yet this is the easy part.... as I will progress, the urge will be stronger and I will become increasingly depressed because my life sucks right now and I fully realize that only when I am "sober." That's how it was last time.
But I am determined to win this time!
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
DAY 2 Relapse
I am almost too ashamed to post here but I think I have to hold myself accountable. I did some brief PM....stopped before O... here goes that damn edging again. It only makes following abstinence much harder. But I decided not to O. I am still resetting the clock back to DAY 0.

Today was a typical trigger day...whole day at home. Stressing about about finding new job but that is no excuse.

Funny observation: I PMed to a video that I usually find to "mild" but since I did only one PMO in the last 3 weeks or so, my sensitivity is way better and I started noticing much milder cues in the video (don't want to go into details so I don't trigger somebody else). Basically even a soft P makes me hard now.... still PIED to nonP stimuli though.
 

bubbyte

Member
A tool that helps me is a phone app called BlockSite. It blocks all porn sites from any browser on the phone, even incognito or private browsing. It's not perfect since I could go into the app and disable it if I really want to, but that extra step is enough to stop me from using my phone for porn.

I also avoid using my personal computer, unless I really need to use it for something, which isn't often. I can do a lot on my phone...except watch porn because of BlockSite :)

Only using a computer in a public space (living room instead of bedroom) is another way to discourage porn use.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Day 3 Relapse... so back to day 0

Today I didn?t have to go to work and I relapsed so badly in the morning. Little over 3 hours of frying my brain with intense PMO. I probably lost all the progress. Smartphone played a role again.

Bubbyte: thanks. I am using PornBlockPlus but I always disable it in setting before relapsing.

Whatever I was doing is obviously not working. I have to come up with new approach.
Here are few new things that I plan on trying:
1) journaling here every morning... you can?t relapse to PMO while journaling how bad the PMO is for you.
2) i will recite myself 3 great things that are waiting for me if I give up PMO for good and 3 terrible things that are in my future if I don?t stop. I will probably repeat the most effective ones over and over... it would be hard to come yp with completely new stuff every day.
3) quitting porn and compulsive PMO is now my #1 priority in life. I will focus on other things as well to develop healthy lifestyle (working out, etc) but I would count every day as a great success regardless of other failures as long as I abstain from PMO and all its substitutes.
 

Pete McVries

Active Member
The new approach you've come up with sounds good. All these three things will help you in your reboot. It's good that you don't get complacent and try new things so that you finally will be successful.

About 3). It's the same for me. I tell you what: I know, if I don't quit my PMO addiction/habit that I will never become happy in life. In fact it will be my ultimate downfall.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Day 01

Yesterday I bought kindle version of Your Brain On Porn, started reading it and cried few times. I feel decisiveness to quit like I never felt before. I decided also to limit screen time of any type to the absolute minimum. I will read YBOP on my phone and journal here but besides that I want to live in the real world now.

With almost no ?screen time? I have suddenly so much time on my hands. I immediately started cleaning the house and organizing my personal belongings. It felt awesome. During the night I woke up only twice... one time from a violent nightmare. Porn images sneaked in but no urge to PMO yet. I am sure it will get harder eventually but I am determined to make it through this time. I almost can?t wait for a flatline as it will make easier to abstain from PMO.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
DAY 02

I woke up early and had some really strong urge to MO. All my internet devices were in other rooms...good. My brain tried to rationalize that quick release without watching P will not do much harm and will make me feel better but I kept reading YBOP that I recently purchased and I am beginning to fully understand the biology/chemistry behind my dopamine addiction and the importance of doing hard reset as long as possible before I start with the rewiring attempts with my wife.

Today's morning wasn't morning wood...I was aroused but had only mild erection. I know how real morning wood feels....you don't even have to think about sex and it is hard like a rock. And this is too soon into recovery to have a morning wood. So I know this was just my addicted brain trying to get it's usual dopamine shot. I didn't give up and feel like I can win once and for all this time.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. I keep reading Your Brain On Porn and plan on reading it over and over throughout my reboot.
 

Pete McVries

Active Member
If you like to read, I wholeheartedly recommend you to read "The Porn Myth" by Matt Fradd after you've finished the YBOP book. It examines porn's destructive nature from various different angles and has a dialogue about it. It was the best book I've read so far about Porn.
 
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changemylife

Guest
KittyHawk said:
In a desperate attempt not to orgasm to P, I developed edging habit... no O, but PM sometimes for hours
It's crazy how addicts end up sharing similarities. This is exactly what I've done some time ago. I wanted to stop ejaculating but I didn't want to give up the pleasure so I told myself that edging would be fine. This has been my downfall that led me to relapse all the time. I start edging and I do it as long as I can, bathing in that arousal until I am completely fried. It makes me feel weird after that. I don't know how to explain, like you rob all the energy and life from me. I feel empty, exhausted and I can't stop wanting for me. I eventually O and it feels weak. But when I don't edge for that long and go for the O, it's like the arousal makes me think an immense O will come but then the O comes and it's not that intense. Maybe the crushed feeling of depression I get after a relapse covers what I am supposed to feel with the O. I can't enjoy the Os anymore. I know I have to stop but I just can't. It's the desperate search for the ultimate pleasure.

Risk factors / Triggers

1) being online (Laptop, smartphone, doesn't matter. I always disable all the P blockers in a feverish frenzy)
2) having time alone
3) not having O for cca 4 days (the urge is strongest on day 4)
4) recently having O after a longer abstinence (chaser effect)
5) being under stress (and I have plenty of it lately, big financial problems certainly don't help)

Porn blockers have never worked for me. I always disabled them with trembling hands and dove in the P. Idle time can't really be avoided. It's so much you can do in a day. You can't really keep yourself busy every second. I am yet to figure out how to handle this alone/idle time. That's what we need to learn: How to handle it by both being busy and having a way to stay away from PMO when we have to sit down.

I am still trying to figure out if I have bigger chance going "cold turkey" or doing quick MO with no P every 4-5 days. So far it looks like I suck at both strategies.
I think cold turkey is the best way. Masturbation would still give me that dopamine and I would eventually go back to porn. Also, I don't think I will ever have a healthy relationship with masturbation anymore after what I've been throw emotionally and given the fact that I've been masturbation since I was 5, for about 15 years bingeing everyday.

Anyway, keep strong, man. I'm with you.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
DAY 03

Day was easy as I kept myself busy cleaning the house, cooking and so on. When I became too tired and started craving screen I was reading YBOP. But this morning... I woke up early again today. Huge urge to MO and my brain feeding with some of my favorite scenarios and porn actresses. I also usually have the weakest will in the morning as I am half-asleep. The "autopilot mode" tried to take over. I started touching myself but soon realized what's going on and stopped. I went here instead.

Last two months I usually had 1-2 week breaks between using P. So those pathways are probably weakened. But in between I was often edging to P-like fantasies before getting up from the bed in the morning. Tendency to continue that behavior is still extremely strong. I also got used to some short edging while in hot shower. Reading YBOP refreshed my old idea of switching to cold showers instead. The only problem is that I am currently feeling slightly sick while my wife and several coworkers have full-blown cold/flu. I don't want to end up bedridden for days, that would definitely be a huge trigger. So I am postponing cold showers for few days but definitely want to try it soon.
 
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changemylife

Guest
KittyHawk said:
But this morning... I woke up early again today. Huge urge to MO and my brain feeding with some of my favorite scenarios and porn actresses. I also usually have the weakest will in the morning as I am half-asleep. The "autopilot mode" tried to take over. I started touching myself but soon realized what's going on and stopped. I went here instead.

Last two months I usually had 1-2 week breakes between using P. So those pathways are probably weakened. But inbetween I was often edging to P-like fantasies before getting up from the bed in the morning. Tendency to continue that behavior is still extremely strong.
I've said this already but some addicts really end up doing similar things. What you described there is what I've been doing forever. I wake up in the morning and start edging to fantasies, rubbing my dick against the bed. I've been fighting to avoid this. One thing that has worked for me in the past was leaving the bed even if I was tired, because lying there trying to sleep more turned into not sleeping anymore and edging for like 15 minutes.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
changemylife said:
You can't really keep yourself busy every second. I am yet to figure out how to handle this alone/idle time. That's what we need to learn: How to handle it by both being busy and having a way to stay away from PMO when we have to sit down.

True. I found myself facing the same problem....after I am done with cleaning/work/working out etc, I need some rest. SO far the best safe recharging is sitting or lying down while reading about P addiction. Or even writing down future plans...

Thank you for your support, changemylife.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
DAY 04

I woke up at 5am and couldn?t sleep. Insomnia + cravings around day 4 is not a surprise to me. I managed to fall asleep eventually and woke up again at 7am and decided to work out for 20 minutes before I had to prepare for work. Downside to rebooting dilligently and journaling daily is the feeling like this is all going SOOO slow. I can?t believe it is only fourth day.

Mood swings - I am excited from my progress for couple hours and feel despair for no reason next few hours.
 
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changemylife

Guest
KittyHawk said:
DAY 04

I woke up at 5am and couldn?t sleep. Insomnia + cravings around day 4 is not a surprise to me. I managed to fall asleep eventually and woke up again at 7am
Day 4 has always been danger zone for me. It's like when the urges really start to hit. And I've experienced insomnia too. Other people have reported this so I guess it's part of the withdrawal?

the feeling like this is all going SOOO slow. I can?t believe it is only fourth day.
This is one of the hardest parts for me in all this. I want to go a month hard mode for beginning but this month seems like 1000 years long. Especially when I relapse after 4 days and it's day 1 again. Can you believe seeing yourself at day 1 again?

Mood swings - I am excited from my progress for couple hours and feel despair for no reason next few hours.
Mood swings seem to be other symptom for some people. What we have to understand is that it's not only us, it's normal and common. Hopefully balanced days will become regular.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
DAY 05

I have a major success to report. Yesterday was a disaster. I hit my toe really hard (it?s all purple now) and the pain was really bad for a while. Later on, I found out that my water main line broke and I will have to pay costly repair (and I don?t know exactly how much yet). So pretty bad day with a lot of stress but I DIDN?T RELAPSE.

I had trouble falling asleep and I woke up too early but I conquered a big trigger day. Now I feel I can do it. This might be my last reboot... a successful one.
 
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changemylife

Guest
That's what's up, man! You didn't relapse to medicate the stress. This is how normal people should think. Anytime you go over stress/anxiety/problems etc. give yourself a pat on the back as a small victory and feel like a normal man.
 

KittyHawk

Active Member
Changemylife: Thanks. I know I am far from healed but this time it feels different than previous reboots. I am doing all the preemptive small things like sleeping without  my smartphone and using oldschool alarm clock to wake me up instead. Reading YBOP on daily basis is also helping tremendously.
 
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