Lost in Darkness

I am 30 minutes porn free.  Fell asleep several times in logging on here despite a good night sleep.  Sunday morning, 9:30 AM.  Beat off twice this morning.  Three times yesterday.  My norm is 3 times per day, or maybe even more.  I am gifted that way.  Porn is nice, but don't need it.  My imagination is good for the first one, maybe two.  Then need the visual stimulation. 

My life would be perfect if it weren't such a mess.  The perfect part of my life is in my imagination and between the sheets.  I pride myself on getting up at 5 AM.  Then I beat off for an hour, maybe more.  Takes a while at my age.  Now, 4 and a half hours later I am here.  Over four hours today wasted.  My finances are a mess.  I am overweight.  My head aches.  I am depressed.  Yet I found time to beat off twice. 

In the last month have gone 1 week 3 times, but eventually started wanking again.  Actually, porn is not necessary for me right away.  After a couple of days, I am horny as hell and can get off quickly without it.  One of the reasons I fail after a week is that I start playing with myself right away, just stop before I cum.  Of course I keep pushing the envelope and eventually release happens.. 

Porn is not necessary for me for the first  one or two, I need it to get off the second third or fourth.  Still, hours are wasted doing it and hours more are wasted from the after effects.  Then drink coffee with little effect.  If I get 5 productive hours a day from myself, that is a good day.  Often start working and fall asleep in the middle. 

I am here because I am tired of my life.  I am tired of setting goals and accomplishing 10-15%.  I am tired of disappointing myself, my family and my friends.  I am tired of my hand being the most desirable thing in my life.  Mmmm, would it look good in a string bikini?  Should I put lipstick on it?  Or mini stockings on my fingers?  FUBAR. 

When I read about sex addiction being like cocaine, I believe it.  I am every bit an addict as any substance abuser.  I hate my life.  I needed somewhere to say this, and here is the place. 

Thank you for being here.  I need to start hanging with the winners to get beyond this.

36 hours good.  Lost in a fog.  Feel depressed.  From what I can tell, the goal is to make it 30 days.  Based on what I have researched it looks like most benefits kick in by 30 days.  Only problem, I don't have that long.  I need the benefits now. 

I think tonight will be a long night of meditation.  In the past I have found that long meditations can restore me to reality.  I must get back to work. 

Good night all.

Hi TJRL,

Welcome to the nation. Sounds like you're in the right place.

There's a whole host of us who have been through similar issues to those you are facing. I've wasted YEARS of my life; sat cock in hand, looking at a screen.

But today I'm 2 months porn and masturbation free. For me, giving up was a decision. I made it, it's a done deal, It's not been easy, but it is simple.

I've had down times, but never really been tempted. I've felt low, but the support here has kept me on track.

Don't suffer on your own - you've done that for years - you can share your journey with your fellow rebooters.

One point - I'd look at this being a long term recovery. Those of us who have been using for 30+ years have a lot of rebooting to do, I'm not sure 30 days is a realistic timescale for recovery. I'm just looking forwads to recovering, whenever it comes. A recovered me, whenever it arrives, has to be better than the damaged husk I was when I was addicted.

Well done on taking the first step towards the future

Hi TJRL,

Welcome to the forum! I hope this is a good place for you. As Firstbigstep said, you'll meet a lot of people here who've wasted years of their lives watching porn. It sounds like you're feeling pretty depressed about life generally, so maybe therapy would be beneficial? I'm not saying that specifically because of depression, but maybe just talking to someone might help realign things - I've found it very useful in the past.

Either way, good luck in your reboot!

Karzam

Good Morning,

Feeling a little better 48 hours in.  Willing to accept what reality dishes out today.  Maybe willing to take it on a bit.  Decided to forego my motivation recordings and to listen to my own voice this morning for a change.  Hmmmm, could it be that I need to listen to my own voice more?

Reflecting on my fantasies, if I listen to my voice, I need to say something worthwhile.  I need to focus on something other than making love or sex.  What do I need to do for real to create love in my life?  That seems to be the question.  Bottom line, I want to be loved.  Sounds silly, but that is where I have come out.  I guess I need to earn that love. 

Finally I learned a new term - "edging".  As I understand it that is masturbating to just the point before release.  In my last three attempts to stop masturbating, I slipped over the edge. 

Personally I'd be wary of getting to the stage of edging, that would take me phenomenal self-control not to go for it...

Edging--is that like going into a tavern and standing at the bar but not quite ordering a drink?

Why go into the tavern?

Couldn't agree more.  Don't go to the tavern.  I canceled memberships, smashed my laptop and regulate my computer use to the family computer in the office.  Also installed k9 block on everything.  Don't leave the backdoor open.  I'm an addict...I'll try anything to get it back...why make it easy?  Don't mess with edging or anything.  Reading your story and others helps me cope as I know that we are not alone and we are each others support!

TJRL,

I agree with other voices here - keep away from anything that might lead you back into your old habits. Edging, in my opinion, is still masturbating. According to the vast body of input here, if you want to give up, don't do anything that leads you back.

I'm 2/3 of the way through my "hard 90" reboot. I have devoted my "porn time" to learning more about my enemy. By that I mean I've read loads on this site and the Your Brain On Porn site, too. It's been hugely enlightening. I've been particularly affected by reading the accounts of partners of addicts on this site - learning of the damage I have unwittingly caused has been hugely humbling and a salutary lesson.

There is no shame in this, we've all been through the same issues. No-one will judge you here.

And finally, it is the most natural thing in the world to want to be loved. We all, every one of us, want that. there is a lot of love and support for you here.

Make that 4 attempts.  Edging ultimately ends in failure. 

I can't believe how powerful this urge is within me.  Not masturbating is releasing energies within me that are enormously powerful.  I guess this is a combination of things.  First is the simple withdrawal.  I do see how this is comparable to withdrawal from cocaine.  Depression and anxiety from both fapping and stopping.  I got sober years ago but don't remember anything like this.  I guess the price of progress is the pain of change in a very real sense.

Second is this new energy.  What do I do with it?  This reminds me of a juicing reboot I attempted.  After 5 days, I was beside myself with energy.  I was vibrating.  It was really strange for me, and uncomfortable.  From years of abuse, my body is accustomed to living in the fog.  Don't want to give up the fog.  I guess that is addiction.  And the thought of facing reality terrifies me. 

But here I am again.  Still pushing.  I must do this.  I am so tired of my old self that I must succeed here.  Yes, I have had ED.  More specifically anorgasmia.  I can cum beating off but could not with a woman.  We had a great relationship, and she loved the fact that I could go for hours with a little blue help, but not being able to cum really disappointed her. 

I am trying something new.  I found a hypnosis aid on stopping porn use on YouTube.  Had a good experience with it this morning.  Settled me down and implanted a post hypnotic suggestion that was still working 4 hours later.

Suddenly in the last few days, this became insignificant in my life and the most significant thing in my life.

Three days ago I was given an opportunity to achieve financial stability in 2017.  For the last 3 days I have worked hour after hour, about 16 hours a day, to submit a proposal for work.  I slept under my desk one night.  In my office, with no one else around, exhausted and way to stimulated from coffee, I let the porn monster out.  I deserved the break.  I deserved some relief.  Who cares about rebooting or stopping?  I need this.

On Thursday, my state tax authority seized money from my bank accounts to pay an old tax debt.  There wasn't enough in my account so they took money from a joint account I had with my son for his college expenses.  He went to pay some school bills and his account was empty.  I found out when he called me and asked what happened to the money.  He learned the truth from the bank.  At this moment, my addiction and the hours and hours wasted all came home to me.  This reboot was vital to my future. 

Last night, before bed and middle of the night PMO.  This morning on awakening, MO.  I am sitting here now, trying to plan my day with my head in a fog.  Yet part of me says "what a delightful fog".  Need to do it again.  This time with porn.  Lay here in the fog.  Like reality is someone else's dream I am a part of.

Beating off, alone in my office, under my desk I thought that I could be comfortable homeless.  Just let me have my dick in my hand and my fantasies and I am transported to la-la land.  The only reason I need porn is to get to 3,4 or 5 orgasms a day.  My fantasies are good for 1 or 2.

That is not to say I can cum with a woman.  I came here because I have ED.  I can get it up with a woman but can't cum in her or on her.  Orgasm for several years for me is a solitary act. 

I am up before my sons this morning.  The house if filthy and neglected.  That is what this fog does.  Life like that of any other addict.  If I saw myself in a movie, the need to change would be so obvious, yet in the movie I am lost.  It is the fog.  This is my person version of heaven, as fucked up as that is.  My personal version of heaven is to lie here in the fog my jerking off creates.  So far, a perfect Saturday morning with sunshine and opportunity, yet for 2.5 hours and counting I prefer this fog.  All the feeling of being loved with zero effort.  My fog is like the womb I can crawl back into. 

I hope that someone reads this as if watching my movie, and seeing my wasted life as an example not to follow.  Please choose the light over the darkness.  I don't know if I can.  I don't know if I have the strength.  9:30 AM and I want to go back to sleep.

I hate my life.  I hate not being a man.  I hate my weakness. 

One thing is clear.  I am creating this fog myself.  I am creating the misery in my life.  I am living so small and afraid.  Time to get moving.  Start with a shower.  Wash off the dried jizz.  Commit again to living in the light.  Start at day one again.  Do the work of my life.  Make my part of the world a better place for me and my loved ones. 

All who have responded, thank you.  I just saw your responses.  Have not figured out yet how to respond individually to them.  Maybe it is just timing. 

TJRL,

You are NOT alone in having been there.

My company went bust because I was happier with my cock in my hand than doing tax paperwork and keeping on top of my accounts.

That's 5 people out of work, my pension plan lost, a ?22k bank debt to pay off, ?13.5k to pay to the tax man, a visit to the Insolvency Practice for an investigation into why my business folded, a failed marriage and I now live in someone else's front room.

But...

This IS the core of all that. You do not want to be homeless - think of your son, think of all the things you CAN do. You say you have the chance to be financially secure. That is a fantastic feeling. I've almost managed it, apart from my mortgage (on the house my wife lives in with my 11 year old daughter)

Write down what porn REALLY gives you, then write down the damage it has done to you.

I think you'll find the balance is in favour of giving it the heave ho.

Your support is here. PM me if you want to speak about anything in private.

C'mon, man. Step up and beat this bastard.

Yup, good idea to write down what it's done for you, and what it's taken away. Has it been worth it?

Karzam

Firstbigstep, Karzam, Sparky 28, Penitent,

Decided to come back here and spend a little time.  I am working around the house and keep itching.  I have time and energy.  Need to manage it productively.  I need to be kind to myself.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Maybe a lesson I learned was that I can't be edging.  A second lesson is that this is vital to my life.  I do have a chance at a better future, but not choosing the dick and the fog. 

I got sober a lot of years ago, but that was a breeze compared to this.  Maybe I will reach out to a psychologist.  Sometimes I am really down. 

Drifting off to sleep now.  Maybe will meditate for a little while then get back after things to do.  Have a lot of work to do. What is it I heard?  Time to make the rest of my life the best of my life.

Thank you for your support.  Working again toward my day 1.  What feels good is that I am here.  I am reading and writing.  If I stay here, I will absorb the goodness.  In getting sober, I think the most important thing is hanging with the winners.  If you hang out with sober people you will develop sober habits.  If you hang here, with nofappers, you will learn to nofap.  Bottom line, I think it is that simple.  I need to keep showing up.  80% of success is showing up.  That much I can do. 

36 hours no P,M or O,

Now that I am paying attention, the strength of my response to triggers is surprising.  It's like I get this zing from my pelvis to my shoulders, up my chest and down my back.  I know now is the danger time from now until I get out of bed.  One of the things that I read yesterday in William's post is learn to love the withdrawal.  That pain is me getting well.  I like that. 

Maybe I will read posts before sleep. 

Good news is a lot of energy.  I wrote this once before.  Part of the challenge is channeling the energy. 

Peace

Success!!!  49 hours and counting.  At this point, I am not taking it one day at a time, but one hour at a time. 

I think the real challenge will be how to deal with having nowhere to hide when reality is staring me straight in the face.  Especially since many facets of my reality are not pretty.  Well, like I said, one hour at a time. 

Have a great day all!

+3 for no edging. Dude... is that like smoking but not inhaling???
Keep fighting, man. The energy, mental sharpness, humour and sheer positivity you'll feel once the fog of PMO clears is going to make you feel amazing.

Speaking of Edging ......

Now that I am paying attention, it seems my first inclination to respond to any stress is M.  Got off a client call, a good one, just a little stress, and first thing I did was stand up at my desk ready to head to the rest room so I could play with myself for a while.  Then I paced back and forth in my office.  Then decided to go out and give myself a sugary muffin for lunch.  Then outside were all these women on the streets.  It 's crazy.  Like I have pins and needles sticking me everywhere.  Even breathing is labored, tightness in my chest.

53 hours and counting.  Keep working.

Good Evening World,

62 hours and counting.  LOL, soon the arithmetic will exceed my ability to keep track.

Had a bit of a close shave.  In my room with the door closed.  Started to get into trouble and I remembered someone's post to "get the hell out of there".  I went to the gym and did an intense 20 minute workout.  Better now.

A couple of more hours work tonight, hopefully not too late.  I know I will be at risk if I push too hard.  Defenses may not be strong enough if I am exhausted.

Posting here is helpful  Feels like I am being accountable.  One part of me wants to commit to a number of days, but another part of me says keep it one hour at a time.  I need this to be a life change, not a 30 or 60 day change.  Change my life one hour at a time.

I have created a playlist of at least 30 internet clips of from people who have stopped.  I want that energy that people talk about.  I want to quit wasting my time fantasizing.  I want to be out of the fog.  I want my life to work so I can have a real woman in my life.  My business and my family need me.  They are counting on me, and I am worried time is running out.  I have an incredible business opportunity in front of me, but if I waste my time with PMO, it will slip away. 

Peace