Killing a friendly demon

Hello all,

After some time reading your stories and discovering how you guys were handling this journey, I decided to give a try in a journal and join the fight into this battle against ourselves. So I'm 42 years-old, gay, not native English speaker (some of my sentences might seem odd), married for 4 years now with a wonderful man.

After years of PMO and PIED, I discovered YBOP and everything in my life appeared to me so clear for the first time in my life. I decided to accept the challenge and I am today Day 8 Nofap and Day 4 No P.

Looking backwards, the only word that pops in my mind when thinking to my sex life is "frustrating", and now it appears to be related to a PIED deeply rooted in me. My first P was on my dad's VHS when I was 10(daddies, throw away your P movies, your kids will find them sooner or later, it is a matter of time). Of course, I didn't had a clue of what this lady was doing with this banana, but I kept staring for 5 minutes before my dad caught me and sent me straight to my room. In the following months, I understood that there might be another video like this in the VHS huge collection, I started watching each of them and succeeded in finding one or two porns in there (straight porn of course). That was it, I started my membership to the Happy Wanking P Addiction Club.

Of course, little by little, I was discovering my sexual orientation. Even though I never blamed myself not being straight (one of the rare act of kindness I had towards myself) I must admit that when M I was trying to focus on the woman and not the man and see if things could change with time, but of course it was useless. But even if I didn't blame myself, my coming happened wayyy later, at the age of 21.

Even at that time, without high speed internet, it was pretty easy to grab some P material. premium channels, magazines, even some erotic video games, there was a lot out there that could fullfill your addiction. I even manage to sell some of these to other schoolmates at the age of 17, spreading the disease I guess.

At that time I had a gf, and even if we were shy and respectful, at some point she was expecting some action. We started cuddling but I didn't felt nothing but fear. My penis was dead and I was wondering "How the hell am I going to get out of here ?" As you can imagine, we broke up soon after this moment.

One thing important is that, at this age, P was filling several needs in me : first, of course, it was blowing my mind with dopamine, but second, it gave me this akward representation of what a real "man" should be, and in the same time how I should be and how is a man that deserves to be loved. It created this friendly demon in me, living in an incredible world of fantasies, feeding itself with my self esteem, showing me that reality is shit compared to what is happening in my mind. Honestly, the fantasy world I had in the head was so important, so great, so attractive, one of my biggest fear was to become schizophrenic and not being able to find out what reality is anymore (no offence to people who suffer this disease).

After the gf incident, I thought that things would probably get better with a guy. It took me a lot of time to accept to live as a gay man, tried to have two or three gfs before without success, before deciding to really meet a man.

My first time was with an average joe that didn't really turned me on, apart from the fact he was finally from the right gender for me. At that time, being a young guy seeking, you couldn't really see the difference what is to become a one night stand or a love affair. Of course this first love story didn't last long. This first time in bed was very interesting, it was a relief, I knew I was doing the right thing for me, but on the other hand it wasn't as incredible as I could have imagined, or as P and my fantasies told be it would be. Here started the frustration.

From what I remember, I always had some difficulties during sex. I have a very sensitive acorn, therefore I'm not fond of BJ especially with gentle bites, I always suffered of DE, rarely enjoyed penetrating my partner, and most of the time I have to finish with a long and boring M. On top of that, ED came before I was 30, didn't give much attention to it, but here it was. When making love, I spent all the time thinking first and foremost to the pleasure of my partner, it was a way to avoid the main problem of my ED, and sex was not natural, it was cerebral, I had to think a lot about it.

In a way, being gay was an chance as suffering of ED doesn't stop anything you can do with your partner (don't want to be crude, I'm sure you see what I mean). But this situation legitimized my frustration, meaning that I hardly would know an O during sex with my partner.

Of course, in another dimension, my demon was here, more powerful than ever. I gathered an incredible collection of P on hard drives, tried litterally any technology to find my something for PMO, from IRC to 3D glasses and discovering disgusting places on the internet. Lately, I noticed I had the same ritual : whenever I am left alone for some time (holidays, feeling sick...) I started with a crazy PMO marathon during a whole day, then, feeling down from under, I start cleaning the house before my husband get at home, and I try to keep good face even if I'm pretty anxious. Writing all this make me feel so pathetic. But at least I spit it all out.

I have a great husband, with no doubt the love of my life. Since we met, we learnt to build a great relationship. In bed, we discovered each other and we have a lot of pleasure, the best sex in my life, BUT it doesn't involve my ED, we do without. In some way, I have some good time with my partner, but after I need to get alone for a relief by PMO. This is an akward equilibrium I decided to stop a few days ago, with the help of this community.

Welcome aboard. Wishing you every success in fighting your personal demon.

Day 5

A couple of things are strange. I am home alone for the week due to health condition, but before it wouldn't have been a problem for getting into PMO right away. It would have even been holidays dedicated to this. Here nothing. My libido is just non existent, no morning wood what so ever, nothing. Well I THINK of the situation many times a day, but it is not as an urge.

Before, everything was set as a clock. During working weeks, I know that I had to M two times a week or so. On the third day, I started to feel some kind of heat, thinking about it all the time, having to make it anywhere, work, home, elsewhere. It is so disgusting when you look back ! But all of this is behind me. From what I read, the disappearance of libido is totally normal and the risk is edging, just to check if everything is still working. At this point i'm sure everything is fine down here.

When starting this program, I used a little technique of self persuasion I used various times in my life. At the beginning, we tell you to just erase every porn material you could keep, destroy magazines, everything that would excite this dopamine path you want to cut. Well I did the same thing in my head, directly in the fantasies. Let me explain. You shut your eyes and go into you fantasy place, and then you imagine you destroy it. Have fun ! bomb explosion, painting, giant rubber, scissors. Whenever one of your triggers come back, imagine you destroy it.  I imagine it goes in a shredder. The fact is, there won't come again, you'll see. If they do, it means they want more
I did the same thing with the dopamine path leading to porn, such as illustrated by Gabe. I imagined this path on the whiteboard and I erased it.

Not sure what the next days will bring me, but it is a relief to see that my inner demon can't take control of me the way it did all these years. It gives me a lot of hope to fix some part of me.

But I must say, a thing that really scares the shit out of me is after. I get the impression that I'll have to learn how to make love. See, all you guys say that you used to make love when you where young, everything was natural, the machine started and it was great. I NEVER felt this way. For me everything is very cerebral. I know what I do, where I do it, I don't let myself go. I hope that I will find a solution to this after the reboot.

Similar fear here. Not the same but similar. Most of the guys posting say how much they still have the hots for their significant other, and it's the PIED that seems to be their biggest concern. I'm sorry to say that I don't currently feel that way about my SO. I hope it changes and I come out the other side but I'm not confident, and I'm anxious that the person that emerges from S and P addiction won't be compatible with my old life and relationships. Is that kind of where you are? Maybe I'm barking completely up the wrong tree.

Hello @workinprogressUK

I totally understand your fear. I really think that all these years of exposure to unreal bodies have damaged our perception of reality and falsen our judgement. I think this is also the whole point of this reboot. Lots of testimonials say they learn to rediscover your couple, just as the beginning, but this time with no fake, no comparison, just the beauty of the skin contact, the love and the fusion during sexual act. You discover that what you have put as the standards of sexual excitment have been nothing but lies. I am confident that, at the end of this journey, you will have a new perception of your love one. Of course it will take two to tango, she will need to feel involve. I don't know if you already shared what you are doing right now, but in any case she will feel that something is different. You will make her feel more desirable, more attractive, therefore she will be, it is a virtuous circle. I am sure there is nothing to lose, only great things at the end of the path. And hell, we are guys, we appreciate sex, if we put half of the energy we put before into finding porn or excitment or else and focusing in our sexual life, nights won't be long enough. Yes it will probably change the way your couple work, I have the same problem, there is an odd compromise that was unconsciously set up in my couple that I will need to destroy. But I am confident it will be for the better, you should also be.

This journey is here to reveal ourself, our sexuality, and gaining self confidence. M meant that we were ashame of maybe having needs, sex is probably the moment where we are the most vulnerable, so having an O by ourselves is probably more conforting. Making this journey with a SO by our side is I understand a challenge slightly different as the guys who are singles, because it is difficult to pause a relationship for so long, it will need to evolve during the journey, even if we choose there will be no sex or even if we don't want the SO to know about it.

Maybe it's because I already made so therapy, but I know that your world can change only by changing your mind, and it is most of the time impossible to anticipate, and it is always for the better. So keep the faith !! ;D

Day 6

Recently I discovered how much I was still very weak and fragile in from of potential triggers. Today, I was looking for information about a couple of family movies I have on a computer. I was using a media library software to tidy everything up and look for relevant information about the media. Suddenly for one regular movie, the soft show me the jacket of a gay porn movie. It was like a tazer. The image got fixed in my brain that was taking of it all the pleasure it could find. I see that anything, from a TV show about love life of people, to half naked bodies can destabilize me, make me feel vulnerable to this unwanted suggestions. I see that the inner demon is HUNGRY and is far from being killed.

An hour ago, I took one pill of Cialis in the expectation of action during this weekend (action that could have begun now, but no, false alarm). I take ED pills since november, but I don't really care right now, as my main problem remains DE. Rising the stick wasn't much of a problem since recently, but doing it for hours before going completely bored, simulating or loosing  my erection is my main issue. It has been happening with partners before my husband, so I am pretty sure about what the problem is.

Long way to go.

Day 7

STRIKE ! Yesterday evening was awesome. As I told, I was quite horny and anxious because I knew this might be the first test of the reboot spirit I am into these days. My mental work begun before my first post here, but all the symbolic was here. I took some cialis (5mg though, I sometimes think it is more for my self confidence that for my dick). My main issue I as told yesterday is the DE, I never got into O during sex. I also tried to focus on sensations, concentrate and avoid any fantasy to pollute my mind. Everything went perfectly well, I am so happy. The tension that has been released came from three weeks abstinence but I couldn't go in another round. A battle won, it will take a long time to declare that war is won. There's still a lot to do.

Guys, I just wanted to say that we all think that our case is the worst case ever and that we our luck, what works for others won't work for us. I'll just say that I got really desperate about this, what happened yesterday happened one time during the 10 last years. I have very little confidence in me, do almost no exercize, I'm a noerdy who intellectualize everything, the best way to never let myself go.  But good things happen, our human nature is far stronger than our little anxieties. Keep the faith and keep going !

Thinking about it and after reading others stories, I get to the conclusion that the recovery process starts even before a guy decides to start the Nofap noPMO thing. Probably the most important thing has been the very first time I came on YBOP or these forums and I was able to put a name, or at least to SEE the inner demon. So indeed reading journals IS a good thing, it pulls your inner demon from the abysses where it loves to stay to the burning rays of consciousness where it is very weak. I am very thankful to other guys for writing and sharing their experience, their healing is my healing.

For God's sake I've spent years at the shrink telling about the whole mess in my head, but even there, I hardly ever spoke about it. I talked one time about my porn addiction, but it didn't bring any comment or further investigation. But in fact it is one of the big reasons of my actual life. Why wouldn't this get out ? Before coming here, I was looking forward to see a sex specialist, but now, I think that I have all the help I need here.

DAY 11

Shit.

Yesterday was a complete disaster. As things seem to get better lately, I was eager to have another try with my SO. I felt very comfortable and confident. I decided not to take any pill (forgot about it) and do it naturally. Well everything was fine for the first 5 minutes, but I started to feel an all too common feeling, my confidence melted and I started to panic. Then ED and DE came to say hello and the fun was over. I feel like shit.

I was thinking about explaining the PIED to my husband and the process I was going through right now, but I guess it would have looked like a lame excuse and it would have dramatized the thing too much. Nah, I think that the only thing to do is to rely on pills for the next weeks. At least I take medication in order to get better. I'm afraid to have to take these during the rest of my life, but let say that I am in a recovery process. My dick had to learn ! lol.

Hope next time will be better.

Day 13

Shit again.

Everything should have been fine. My libido was up, I took a pill in anticipation of the weekend. Everything should have gone perfectly well. And no. Even with a pill, I couldn't keep my erection more than 5 minutes. And after it was gone. And always the same panic when it happens, ad I feel like shit. I haven't had a orgasm for quite some time and I start feeling frustrated about this. I stay strong and don't even imagine M again, nor having PMO. I just fucking want to have normal intercourse with my SO. That's all.

I wonder if this could be related to the fact that I am so well getting over P. Things were to easy for having some effect on me. Maybe I'm very impatient, I'm still in the beginning, but now I already feel myself in a dead end. Should I increase my Cialis ? I only take 5mg. Should I just wait ? Tonight hurt my feelings and my self confidence. This has an impact on the rest of my life. Some say I look tired or grumpy. I didn't noticed but maybe everything is related.

I'm not a sex therapist but I know what they would recommend in your case. Have sex with your wife without focusing on your penis or on intercouse. Just be intimate with each other without the pressure of you needing to perform. Maybe, it will help you overcome your anxiety and give yourself some confidence back.

Wish you luck!

Pete McVries said:

I'm not a sex therapist but I know what they would recommend in your case. Have sex with your wife without focusing on your penis or on intercouse. Just be intimate with each other without the pressure of you needing to perform. Maybe, it will help you overcome your anxiety and give yourself some confidence back.

Wish you luck!

Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice. I really try to let go, but it is very difficult, and it doesn't currently work for me.
Way to go !

Day 6

Well, after a beginning full of hopes and positive energy, everything fucked up. I tried 2 times to have sex without being able to go till the end. pills were effective for some time, but after 15 minutes, I gave up, still suffering of DE. I felt SO frustrated, my brains were about to explode. So I decided to M and relapse, in full consciousness. Well at least I didn't use any P and didn't even fantasize. So basically, I gave myself a break in all these efforts. Trying to have sex 3 times and not being able to go until the end is literally making me crazy. I guess I am facing my demon, who's not friendly anymore. My SO told me I was probably taking some pill, which is true but we never talked about it.

I guess I should go further and help my body by doing a diet, losing weight or so. But I'm currently not in the mood of pressurizing myself with goals, and obsessions about my body. By the past I used to loose weight, work hard at the gym, being obsessed by this. This is not a lifestyle that I enjoyed, I don't want to go this way anymore.

Wait and see.

Day 7, back to the "firm believer" step lol

Well, now I realize how much this change will be a struggle against frustration. I guess that I spent a lot of my life pretending and setting things up to deal things without having to confront my issues. It was a life of pretending, hiding and lying. Now I just feel stupid and vulnerable.

This morning I wanted to make love to my SO. I felt ready, the pills I took yesterday morning seem to still do their effect, or I was just quite excited. Unfortunately my partner wasn't. So here I was, stupid and frustrated. I mean of course love is a shared moment and each of us should be willing, it's just that I feel Im in a battle with a lot of defeats and not many victories. God this sounds stupid, but reality is in front of me, I want to make love normally with the one I love and what should be normal for the entire living beings looks like a mountain to climb for me. Of course everything is about self confidence, self image and stuff, but at some point you just want to go straight to the point and not intellectualize everything, and believe me this is something I do all the time.

My sexual fantasies popped up in my head from time to time. Since I started I stood away from it, I wanted to say "no, i want to live the beauty of the moment and not live in my fantasies" like I always did. But in fact, I wonder if this could be of any help with my problem. ED and DE, the Humpty Dumpty of my sexual life, ahahaha. Fuck.

Day 10 nofap
Day 23 NoP

God, things are getting difficult these days. I think I'm going through a blueball syndrom if I understood the stuff. During nights I'm obsessed with sex. As some said on this thread, it's like I can't think about anything but my penis. I dream of sex, not actually acting but seing porn images. I unleashed my sexual fantasies and for the first time since I started here, I cannot keep my ideas away. I think it is related to the panic I felt after my failed attempts in bed.
On the other hand, I must say that all the energy thing that you gain when you stop seems quite accurate. I see in my work, in my life, I get a boost of energy, I feel less depressed during daytime. The problem is after.
My SO and I have a rythm of a two times a week sex. The thing is that the latest tries I gave was, at least on my side, complete disasters. So basically I am always asking for a new try, I feel very frustrated not being able to go to the end. Lately I related my problem of DE with a desensitization of my penis, due to so many years of M. I think I have a problem with this, for instance I don't like blowjobs, I feel uncomfortable with that and don't take any pleasure of it. I am afraid of the same thing happening when having sex, explaining everything. To tell the truth, I was even thinking about buying those silicone asses to train myself to feel and do things differently. Quite pathetic isn't it ?
When starting the reboot, I was relieve not to feeling the urge to, everything seemed to go smoothly. Now I am the whirlwind I dreaded from the beginning. Having seen some of the previous testimonials and some graphics, I recognize myself in this phase where you feel like real shit. Sadly it takes some time to get better. 90 days seems suddenly an awful long time !

Hi CB. I feel for you. So many things you're going through are common across other threads and in mine. On the positive side, that big uptick in energy and concentration and focus during the day. On the downside, a change in the way we think and emote and worry about sexual desire and performance. And neither good or bad... the way our brains seem to go on libido overdrive while we're asleep. All I can offer you is my encouragement and support to hang on in there and wait until you come through the other side of it. There's no guarantee that when you finally get rid of your P addiction, way into the future, that everything else will stay the same as it was before. Some things might not be as exciting or fun as they used to be. But it has to be worth it. Keep fighting on! 

workinprogressUK said:

Hi CB. I feel for you. So many things you're going through are common across other threads and in mine. On the positive side, that big uptick in energy and concentration and focus during the day. On the downside, a change in the way we think and emote and worry about sexual desire and performance. And neither good or bad... the way our brains seem to go on libido overdrive while we're asleep. All I can offer you is my encouragement and support to hang on in there and wait until you come through the other side of it. There's no guarantee that when you finally get rid of your P addiction, way into the future, that everything else will stay the same as it was before. Some things might not be as exciting or fun as they used to be. But it has to be worth it. Keep fighting on!

Click to expand...

Thank you workinprogressUK for your kind words. We all feel so lonesome in this fight, but we are all going through the same thing. Interestingly, this quest against P has revealed an even deeper problem in me, the way that I consider my sexual activity. I feel so naive and blind of what to do, I have the same behavior as a dumb teenager. This is probably something I have hidden for ages, but it's time to find the real me.

Gosh I knew it would be a long walk, but it is also a bumpy road !

Day 11 nofap
Day 24 NoP

Well yesterday evening went well. My libido was at the apex, I'm on a work travel til the rest of the week and I couldn't consider flying away in the mood I was during the last days. So we had a pretty great Cialis fueled sex with no ED or DE. Strangely, since then I am not in a very good mood. I feel foggy, over excited, like a bit sick, I didn't sleep well. it is because of Cialis ?

I am so anxious about not being able to go til the end and have DE, I must admit I used a mind image during sex as a trigger to reach O. It is the to tool I want to use, but well, my issues come from so deep, I guess that recovery comes slowly. It is still an improvement.

So basically, if I try to find a reciepe of a successful intercourse, it would be a 10 days libido and 10mg Cialis. It can seem weak, I don't want to have to pop some pill in order to have a natural relationship with the one I love, but guys this is something I never knew in my life and if I can be sure to prevent ED and DE so be it. Intellectualizing on this is so lame !

Next step, contain and refuse the fantasies, be able to enjoy the feelings and the magic of the moment. I had a glimpse on the internet about kinky stuff, not really porn, but this was an excitment. I should stop this right away.

I tried the cialis one time and had very similar symptoms.  That was around day 25 or so into this nofap and no pmo journey. I took the pill only because I wouldn't be able to live with the embarrassment of throwing my limp dick at her again.  She didn't know why it was happening.  I hated the fact that I might need to pop a pill to make love to my wife but I came to terms with it.  It worked but I made it my focus not to rely on them.  I have the prescription as a back up but now I don't think I'll need it.  The last 2 times we had sex was a success without the cialis.  That alone tells me my body and mind is healing.  Part of my issue now I believe is PA.  I think that is probably common when the ED issue begins to resolve itself.  I'm learning to get that in check now.

I discovered new triggers for me.  I did alot of browsing on youtube and sort of accidentally stumbled onto videos that got me excited.  Nothing porn related either.  I don't believe it's bad to see a hot girl and get turned on but I do believe the harm comes when I am actively searching online and it's taking my dopamine levels to crazy heights.  I was viewing porn for so long that my mind wants to take over and keep feeding that high.  That's probably why we all reboot differently.  There are other factors besides porn that get in the way.  A week ago when I was with my wife I focused on just her and not the porn fantasies.  I'm happy to say that it worked.  Not only is my dick coming back to life, but the sex seems more intense for the both of us now.  I'm sure it because I'm saving all my sexual energy for her by not fapping and not releasing every day with porn. 

Stick with it my friend

How does this Cialis work? Do you feel your dick at all?