Hope I can look back on this journal one day with no more PIED

Hi all, will try to really keep this as short as a long story can be. I will try to use all glossary terms apologies if i forget some, i'm new. There may be triggers in this post as i explain things.

I'm 40, have a wife of 8 years (40). Around two and a half years ago i experienced ED. It gradually got worse, and eventually (very recently) i chalked it up to PIED thanks to finding this forum/Gabe etc.

I've watched P for as long as i can remember. Softcore P on cable channels at night aged around 14 when i started regular M.

Throughout every relationship I've had since, my first from when i was 18 years old, up until my wife now, ive watched P which of course evolved into online stuff.

The only way i could become aroused was from my girlfriend's at the time physically pleasuring my dick. Then i would become hard and manage to maintain an E, and have sex. This was the norm, and once i understood how to get hard (by telling my girlfriend's what to do) i could live a fairly normal sex life. Still with occasional ED but mostly fine.

So fast foward to today me and my wife sadly are no longer in love we remain together for my two year old child. We are beginning the process of divorce and sometime this year i will move out. Its sterile, cold but very amicable and as friendly as it can be. (As you will soon see)

I started my reboot 55 days ago, and occasionally within that time i would achieve MO always with little to no E, totally limp. Sometimes with my wifes help, still limp. We have not had full sex since two something years ago. But occasionally (very occasionally) please each other more for release. There's no love there.

I brought Viagra recently, used it once when my wife would give me MO just to see what would happen, and that only gave me a slightly more improved semi. Not solid enough for penetration.

Around 14 days ago I had MO alone twice in one day not to porn, just imagination. (not watched porn at all in the 55 days) the very night after that MO i had sexually explicit dreams and woke up with an E of about 50% hardness! First time in over two years! So the reboot was doing... something!?

After reading that MO of any kind could delay the process I have stopped that completely too. And here I am today.

I've within the last few months been seeing an old friend (30). Just kissing her when in her company, really tame stuff, never nothing more, nothing close to sex and quite selfishly ive kind of also been using it as a guage to see if anything happens down there.

I pop a viagra before I go to see her not because we are going to have sex, but because i want to make my thing work around a woman. Embarrassing telling this story but it is, what it is.

I definitely get a little harder when we kiss, or even if i just rub her leg. But never a full on E. However this friend is now out of the picture i think permanently so the impending pressure of possible sex with her one day, is no longer there so while it's sad for me she has gone, at least i don't have to go through the crippling embarrassment of no E if/when we finally did get busy.

Heres the interesting part. My last hard erection was the last time i watched porn 55 days ago, it was when i decided to watch something more extreme.

Even before i had typed it in, the thought of what i was going to watch alone gave me a very hard E. It was sticking up before i had even watched the thing. Just knowing i was about to watch it got me hard. Was so strange. So my thing clearly works on SOME level.

It was then i realised something weird was going on here... found Gabe and this website and here I am.

My life is a confused mess at the moment. I'm in a new area, my only friends were the one i mentioned and my wife of 8 years. When we officially finish very soon it will be a lonely life for me outside of my kids. I have two, one as i said two years old. The other in her late teens that lives further away.

Im here, day 55 of no P. Day 14 of no M. Wondering if i will ever have life down there again.

Thank you for taking the time to read my journal, writing it really helped. I won't bore everyone with daily / regular updates. Only significant milestones or progression.

A few days ago I had a strong urge to M but that died. Ive basically been in flatline since my last MO 14 days ago. Haven't had morning wood for over two years, in fact i can't even remember the last time!

I still appreciate and enjoy a woman's shape, but it doesn't give me feeling below like it would in the past. Just lifeless down there now.

I think that's everything!! Thank you. Good luck to everyone. Will hopefully be back soon.
 

Pcpowder

Member
Welcome Arthur! 

Congrats on 55 with no porn that's awesome.  I have also struggled with ED since my mid-late 20's and started to occasionally take ED meds in my late 20's.  In the last 3-4 years, I pretty much had to take ED meds everytime I had sex to be successful. 

I do think in order to recover you need to give up MO for a while as well, or at least it seems to be working for me.  I am on day 21 with no PMO and no MO.  I am seeing MW again and this morning had MW that would not go away and had sex with my wife without taking any ED drugs.  This is probably only the 2nd or time in a year where I was able to have sex and didn't take any meds. 

I think patience is key and I hope the good things above are signs of more good things to come. 
 
Thanks Pcpowder. It really sounds like you are on the mend I hope things improve for you. Day 57 no P and day 17 no MO or PMO for me, am patiently waiting for my first MW.
 

jjo7

Member
Arthur, thanks for posting.  You're on a very solid streak, dont get discouraged!  I, too, have suffered from PIED for many years, and only in recent years have I become aware of it and have worked to change my behavior to get rid of it.  First, I eliminated binging and heavy usage of porn with masturbation/orgasm (went from doing it daily for hours a day to now virtually nothing, maybe 1-2x a month, almost never with masturbation orgasm).  Next, I went to therapy to work on myself, watched and read YBOP, listened to podcasts, etc.  Third, I focused my free time on more important things - working out, reading books, work, a new girl, etc.  Lastly, I started to actively participate on this website and journal, comment, etc.

This battle doesnt ever end, but you can help manage it through the right strategies.  Abstaining from all PMO and even exposure to modestly suggestive imagery is working wonders for me - not easy, and certainly helped by having great sex with a girl i love (I still use small doses of ED meds, but am focused on getting rid of these over time), but you can do it if you stay forever mindful of remaining on track and having a gameplan to deal with your bouts of boredom, frustration, horniness, etc.  Keep posting!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
jjo7 said:
Third, I focused my free time on more important things - working out, reading books, work, a new girl, etc.  Lastly, I started to actively participate on this website and journal, comment, etc.

Totally agree. I went through a whole lot of therapy a few years ago and the most beneficial thing for me was realising that to stop being an active P Addict, Iwasn't going to give myself the best chance by just giving up P and hoping for the best. That just creates a big vacuum for things to suck into, and the most likely thing to be sucked in is my old buddy P. I learned to fill my life with real connections, learning and development opportunities, sports, projects and other stuff that prevented a P-fillable void. Also learned the value of "contribution"... whether it's volunteering in the real world or actively participating in a place like this. Wishing you continued success and happiness. Please do try to get out there and fill your life with new, exciting, challenging, engaging stuff  ;) 
 
Thanks to all of you for the support. It means a lot. So I'm now 60 days no P, and 22 days no M, or MO.

This morning I had my first wet dream in about roughly two and half years. Finally!

Sounds so bizarre celebrating it but I like to think this is my body beginning the slow process of repairing all of the damage I did with P

I'm lucky I've never had a strong urge to return to P, the prospect of repairing my PIED massively outweighs it. So let's see if I can get there.

Again thanks again for your stories and support!
 
In an attempt not to neglect this journal I will update that today, I've hit day 90. Not sure if I'm in flat line or not, I still enjoy looking at the female form and the urge to relapse has got a little stronger but I've come this far so no point erasing the progress now.

Valentine's night I reached orgasm via my wife M me, but lifeless Dick. I'm aware most say orgasm of any kind can delay things but I'm only human, and we thought we would give it a try.

She knows all about the PIED now, but we are in a strange place as a couple anyway so it's not a massive pressure on the relationship, or lack thereof.

I've watched a lot of Noah Church from addicted to p.com videos. He's informative and inspirational with regards to these matters. The letters and success stories he relays, give me hope! I would definitely recommend them.

Have had no morning wood at all yet, or wet dreams since I last posted about the wet dream. The aim now is to get to 100 days and try and cut out any Orgasm via even my wife.

I'm lucky being at the spot I am in my life. There's no immediate pressure to immediately have to perform, like some with new relationships etc.

Just focusing on my children and hobbies at the moment. Will see what happens. They say day 90 onwards is where most see changes. Here's hoping...
 
I'm back

So 90 days age exactly since my last post I relapsed. Went on a four day P binge. Watching it twice a day sometimes. With PMO. My reasoning was suspect. Regardless I watched P no matter the excuse..So had to reset.

Previously I had done 90 days but it was mixed in with MO but no P. This second 90 day attempt, no MO from myself. In the last 90 days my wife assisted with my MO on two occasions in those 90 days, but never myself and of course no P at all.

I was actually seeing improvements on the first 90 day attempt. This second one, nothing. I had two wet dreams in the 90 day period. But no morning wood at all.

Feels like the binge Definitely killed off all the good work i did.

If I would have honestly known all those years ago P would have fu#*ed me up this bad. Right now I feel pretty hopeless but nothing can be done. Only patience I guess.

Its not the P addiction for me. I haven't found that difficult really. It's the severe PIED. I would have hoped to have seen something after my second 90 day attempt. I think my recovery if any is going to be one of those ones that takes a while. A long time.

Onto the road to 100
 
Arthur, don't give up hope.  Keep going.  When the chips are down, stomp on them to make mashed potatoes.  There's something/someone out there for you.  Think about her and use that as motivation to overcome your addiction to porn.  It's easy to wallow, but throw that pity party, attend for a little while, and leave as soon as you're able.  Tomorrow is another day and another chance to make that connection, meet that someone who may make an impact on your life.  Don't think of this as a setback but an obstacle you've cleared and put behind you.  Keep going!  You can do it!
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hey Arthur,
Dont beat yourself up about the relapse. The fact that you could get that far in the first place is a great acheivment. Just realize what the triggers were so you can remember for next time. Youve made it that far once so you can do it again!
 
Reformed Fapper said:
Hey Arthur,
Dont beat yourself up about the relapse. The fact that you could get that far in the first place is a great acheivment. Just realize what the triggers were so you can remember for next time. Youve made it that far once so you can do it again!

Thanks for taking the time to leave that kind message. Appreciate the support.  :)
 
Reformed Fapper said:
Hey Arthur,
Dont beat yourself up about the relapse. The fact that you could get that far in the first place is a great acheivment. Just realize what the triggers were so you can remember for next time. Youve made it that far once so you can do it again!

Thank you. Yea, it's been a long journey but no going back. This is my life now. Thanks for the support.
 
100 Days free of P today. After a relapse 100 days ago. First time around, the 90 day stretch before, I felt progress, weak but actual life down below. Wet dreams.

Nothing strong enough to have full sex but there was a little life.

The past 100 days the flat line seems to be a lot more real. I haven't had.life down there in so long. It's difficult to see how it can ever start working again.

My mind is full of desires and wants for the opposite sex, but I don't get so much of a twitch down there.

When I first started this reboot I had some weird notion I would be cured within a few weeks lol. Guess this is what fifteen years of continual P use does. Have Definitely payed the price.

Occasionally think about P but I've come this far, literally no point losing all the progress. Assuming I can actually recover from this!

Will be back to report, if I get a twitch or spark of life down there lol.

Good luck brothers.

 
J

J01

Guest
Great job on the 100 days plus!  Stay vigilant and make sure to keep checking in rain or shine!
 
Keep going, Arthur!  100+ days is amazing!

ArthurMorgan said:
100 Days free of P today. After a relapse 100 days ago. First time around, the 90 day stretch before, I felt progress, weak but actual life down below. Wet dreams.

Nothing strong enough to have full sex but there was a little life.

The past 100 days the flat line seems to be a lot more real. I haven't had.life down there in so long. It's difficult to see how it can ever start working again.

My mind is full of desires and wants for the opposite sex, but I don't get so much of a twitch down there.

When I first started this reboot I had some weird notion I would be cured within a few weeks lol. Guess this is what fifteen years of continual P use does. Have Definitely payed the price.

Occasionally think about P but I've come this far, literally no point losing all the progress. Assuming I can actually recover from this!

Will be back to report, if I get a twitch or spark of life down there lol.

Good luck brothers.
 
Thank you Phil Anthropy and Jixu.  :) - Finally....finally I have news

I feel like I could cry right now, but I don't want to get too over excited but after 120 days of nothing ZERO life down there, I finally had a dream of me doing the act - and woke with an E of about  35 % strength. (For me trust me, that's good these days)

I had resigned myself to the fact that my P was done with. It had no life left in it anymore. But I've just not long woke from the dream and couldn't be happier. Something is happening again. It wasn't a wet dream, in the dream I was so shocked by the life down there that I think I woke myself lol

The dream (without obviously going into detail) was actually about an old friend , she had recently got back in contact. We began making out, things went further and then holy light, I woke with an almost semi.

In the dream I was worrying about it happening (or not happening) too, which was strange. However it seemed in the heat of the moment, when things were organic it was actually working. Need to of course transfer this to real life eventually, but man, this is a start.

To be proud of such an achievement is strange, but it's the first sign I've had in SO long. At least since my 1st attempt that I'm happy. To emphasise, this second attempt, now 120 days, I've had not so much as a twinge down there. I was getting worried..

But it's trying. The thing is trying to live!! I feel I can go another 120 days now, off the back of this small acheivement. The journey continues....
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Congrats, Arthur.... mostly for sticking to your process.... but also for the encouraging outcome  :)
Stay focused, my friend. Don't let your guard down, now that you've come so far.
 
workinprogressUK said:
Congrats, Arthur.... mostly for sticking to your process.... but also for the encouraging outcome  :)
Stay focused, my friend. Don't let your guard down, now that you've come so far.

Thank you so much my man
 
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