This Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Hi All.

I've been on here before, obviously back for more but, I basically went 6-months with a minor relapse and it felt fantastic, but I fell one moment fapping to porn seemed like a great idea and I ended up on a slippery side to rock bottom.

I'm on my third or fourth day without porn. In this moment it's not so bad but days are filled with moments and I know they can change.

But basically, I just wanted to put pen to paper and hopefully log my progress.

It took me a long time to realise this but what I have learned is that I medicate the issues porn cause by using porn. First and foremost i'm an addict and I loved that stuff, but pain leads to pain, and the temporary relive isn't enough anymore. There has to be another way.

So last night I couldn't sleep. I eventually just picked up my phone, opened a browser and googled the last scene I had watched.

I watched for literally five-seconds and basically said to myself that I had had enough

In that moment i had had enough. I know there'll be many more moments but to rob a line from the film White Men Can't Jump "...sometimes when you lose, you win."

  So I reckon I'm on three days or so, it was all a bit of a haze.

  The thing that strikes me is this - in the moments when I feel alive, I realise that porn must have  a dramatic effect on who I am.

Keep going.   Yes, it has warped your identity in many ways.  You will start to learn who you really are the deeper you take this path.  That should pique your curiosity. 

Hey, Harpoon, I am on Day 4 myself, having promised myself much more progress by now. But like you, I have survived without PMO for a significant stretch of time before. The truth is we don't need it in our lives. We just need to convince ourselves that that's true, get out of the holding pattern and find new ways to cope with whatever pulls us off course.

One of the most important things that I have learned is this (and it's really reboot 101) - Never look. It's that simple, because if you look you'll eventually find what your looking for and then there's only one outcome.

  But today was not a bad day. I met up with a friend and had a chat, it was cool. I made an effort. I ditched porn to hang out. Nice of me I know. But that's the way it has been.

  Here's something I remember from yesterday. I was having g cravings and I picked up my phone.  I looked at the phone in my hand and thought to myself "this is not the answer," and it's not.

And it's that simple.



 

It's that simple, because if you look you'll eventually find what your looking for and then there's only one outcome.

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Dont go looking for snakes, you might find them...

Porn is never the answer and always the problem. The only answer is the reboot!

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it and it does help.

Today I woke up feeling pretty damn good (plus I have morning wood again which is unheard of while fapping.)

But i don't want to sound dramatic but it feels like life is returning to me, a rebirth, just in little moments, like there's hope, like I'm me. These moments are awesome.

  My approach this time is different. I never lost those skills from earlier reboot attempts, I just chose to ignore them. But my approach Is to try and be in the moment. No1 has 90 days or whatever to give away, you won't be free in 90 days but you may be free for that moment. So relief isn't 90 days away it's today and feeling good. That's just my feelings on it.

No, that doesnt sound dramatic. Thats exactly the way it is - life returning after so long of being stuck in a sort of porn-induced limbo. I agree with you there about focusing on the `now`. Setting your sights too far into the future you may lose sight of what youre doing and the benefits may go unnoticed

I couldn't of put that better myself - porn-induced limbo. I like it.

Yesterday I was definitely more present. I had an appointment and I just noticed the secretary (this isn't s porn fantasy haha) but I noticed here body shape, smell of her perfume and I was chatting with her. Anyway my point is, it was nice. It felt normal.

But with the porn-induced limbo you don't notice anything (at least I don't.) I'd be anxious, panicky and feel inadequate in that situation before, why would you notice a nice smile?

Anyway those two moments of being me were as addictive as porn is. This is the fight - to get myself back.

But with the porn-induced limbo you don't notice anything (at least I don't.)

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Yeah the only thing you notice is what she would be like going at it. And the only thing she will notice is a lobotomy-eyed porn-feind giving her the creep eye. 

Yep, that's a fact Reformed Fapper.

Nearly a week on the board. At times abstince was so easy, and at other times it seemed hopeless.

But if you told me a week ago that I would go a whole week I would of laughed, so it's a good start.

So what started out as a pretty decent day just imploded into an evening of despair. No particular reason. I just seemed to lose the plot mid-afternoon.

I've read about mood swings and this was a humdinger. I felt angry at myself. It's like I have been let out of jail after 20 fn years.

I know, and i understand that this is withdrawal. Hardmode. The sooner this is over the better.

Don't get me wrong here either, I'm just venting, and if this vent gets me to tomorrow, it's well worth the bitching.

  Maybe I'm scared to let go. Scared to let go of a nothing that has become my everything. Maybe I didn't want to face the fact that I'm now alone. A travesty. Me alone. Why I had many girlfriends. I had so much sex. I was a king in my own mind, but in reality a jackass.

Every girlfriend I ever had I traded for porn. Porn seemed so much more excited. Sure the thrill of the chase was there, but once the mission was accomplished I inevitably would revert to good old porn. How could you ever be bored of that. I actually thought once that I didn't care if I died fapping to porn. Was it possible to die from PMO, let's give it a go.

  To rationalise trying to quit porn, I thought of one of the members of my favourite band whom beat his alcohol addiction. This dude is a multi-millionaire. I wondered why he would want to quit drink (this is how funked up my logic has become.) Then I thought, because he can't stop. The party is over, and he couldn't stop.

But it's the same with porn. No one is here because porn is great and makes us all so happy. We're here because porn has kicked our asses (or at least mine.)

Excuse the jibberish, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
 

 

I have to say I felt amazing this afternoon. It was just for a little while, but I felt great, unstoppable, more creative, more energy.

Everything points to no porn, no porn substitutes.

  Being honest, I was addicted to MO before I had access to porn. I used my memory or would watch movies where I knew there was a good scene.

Anyway, now it's like, I can do without porn, but I just wanna see if my favourite tv hostess is showing some cleavage or wearing sonething sexy and that is actually enough to start the party.

I guess that's like saying I can do without spirits as long as I can have beer, and trying to control or justify what I do is really being in denial.

  My life over the past 8 days has been very unusual. I have been in way more contact with friends, I pick up on emotions more, I can read ppl more, I can smell more, it's bizarre. I want it to continue and I'd love to beat this. To step out of the shadows and live again.

  Ultimately it's all up to me, becsuse no one is coming to save me. But so far, so good.

You have suppressed many emotions for a long time.  The intensity can be overwhelming.  Despair, anger, panic, I have felt it all.  You are waking up-- to yourself and others.  The journey at times seems unbearable, but the awakening is worth it.

Your addiction will cause you to rationalize all kinds of behavior, to wonder what the point of freedom is.  Don't listen to those rationalizations.  That is the addiction trying to deceive you.  Keep up with the your social support group, exercise, and meditate.

You can do this.  The strength is in you. 

That's a good observation about being addicted to MO first. Although I found out about my dad's Penthouse collection before I was old enough to be interested -- and sneaked into it compulsively once I was old enough to want to see it and when I had the opportunity to do so without getting caught -- most of what I looked at as a teenager wasn't porn. I would buy swimsuit magazines or even teen music magazines and MO to pictures of various women. In 8th grade it became a thing for classmates to trade class pictures, and so I had a handful of pictures of female classmates I would MO to. There is one girl in particular whose face from her class picture is still burned into my brain.

And yes, I have fallen for the porn substitute lie way too many times. "It's not porn; no one is naked or even talking about sex." If I am using it to evoke lustful feelings, it is porn for me.

I have fallen for the porn substitute lie way too many times

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Word.
Its funny how the brain can trick you into porn substitutes. For example, once I watched porn with the screen off and only the sound on. I told myself that since I wasnt actually visually engaging porn, then it was fine! Or making the screen really really tiny, so tiny you could barely see it and telling myself that coz I could barely see it I wasnt actually wathcing it!
Oh, the lies we tell ourselves

As much as my brain is telling me to walk away and waste another 6 months of my life on porn, I can't do it. I wouldn't say I have binged for 5 days but I have pmo.

  Now before the sob story, there is my greatest achievement to be told. On 10 days clean I ran a marathon. Now I do run, but mostly 3 or 4 5ks per week.

  So testosterone fuelled and more determined than I have ever been in my life, on day 10 I ran a marathon in 4hrs!

Not once did porn enter my mind, I was free.

  What happened? I was horny and exhausted, and i thought i was untouchable and it took 4 days to hit the bottom. Ever morning i have felt slightly shittier.

This may sound funny, but I can quite clearly see the difference in myself when I'm porn free. I shouldn't of been able to run that marathon, but I had 10 days of essence with me. Without that essence, I'm a shell.

Looking back, I think after 10 days very little had changed. I had more energy, and stuff, but my brain was just taking a little breather, it really hadn't started to withdraw from porn.

Apparently running a marathon is easier than giving up the stuff, so I'm concerned.

It is no joke, but if you can discipline yourself in one way, you can discipline yourself in another.  You have to bring that same sense of intentionality you brought to training for your run.

Just bring yourself back to the path and keep swimming.  Live each day completely here now.  Keep going.

Thank you for your response Uncreatedlight 

I like what you said about same sense of intentionality.

  I can only say that I'm two days clean. Its a start. But I messed up the weekend.

I brought my messed up porn brain into reality and did something with a women whom is married. Now I feel really shitty about it.

Don't get me wrong, I never intentionally set out to do this, for years i didnt response to her, but feelings between us seemed to just change over years, and years and years, and now I think she is in love with me, and it's out of control.

I fucked up.

Anyway it was nice to be with an actual women rather than a pixellated image, even if it was the wrong woman.

Hopefully this guilt will be enough for me to get my shit together.

Honestly I'm not a bad person but I can't say I'm not a piece of shit.