Five year no PMO journey

jjacks

Active Member
I start my workday in my home office as I always do. I turn on my computers and check my emails. There are no meetings or conference calls this morning, so I turn to my other screen. Except I have deleted all my porn and cam accounts and messenger contacts.

My mind is focused on one thing. My body is itching for me to shed my clothes, turn on my webcam, stroke my penis, and get to the edge. I need to get back to work. If this were last week, work would have to wait. I would be hard and edging on some cam site. I would not let myself cum because I think that I have to keep it for my wife, that cumming is why I cannot get it up for her. But if I met up with a buddy like me, I would feel lucky. If I met a woman naked on cam I considered having hit the jackpot and blow a big load.

But there is no webcam, no accounts. I am thinking of one thing only ? my penis. Work still has to wait. I take off my clothes and do a few naked yoga poses. Slow myself down. At least ten minutes. Try to get my penis out of my brain.

I did not touch my penis at all. I get up and put on a loose tshirt and sweats so the clothing puts no weight on my body.

I think I feel better. I think I can get to work, now. It is still early day 3.
 
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BuddhaAwake

Active Member
I can tell from your post that you are working very intensely on this issue. Congrats for not giving in this morning.

I am on day three myself. I haven't had much temptation so far- probably because I am getting over a cold and sinus infection and don't feel like doing much at all- kind of in a haze. But I wonder if part of the haze is going 3 days without porn.

Turning in the computer has definitely been a trigger for me in the past. I recently changed my desktop background to a beautiful work of art and a quote that inspires me. Perhaps the same would help you. Also, I changed my password to something that reinforces my decision for health.

I hope this helps!

Good luck, and keep posting!
 

Farmer1016

Active Member
Congratulations to both of you for being on day 3.

Before you know it, you'll be cruising right along to 90 and then the rest of your lives.

Put yourself through a though process about what your triggers are and what the weakest times in your resolve are likely to be. Once you know those things you can begin working to strengthen them and improve your ability to overcome the hurdles as they present themselves.

Take things one day at a time and, sometimes, one hour at a time as need be.

 

BuddhaAwake

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement, Farmer.

My triggers seem to be going to bed early while I wife stays up and watches TV, and when she is at work. It's like the YBOP book says about Pavlov's dogs. It almost seems more like a habit than an addiction.

Going without it the past three nights has left me feeling less anxious and guilty. I think a bigger test will be the next time she goes to work- she works at home most days.

Stress is another trigger. I have an anxiety disorder on top of life's other stresses. M/O/P reduces it temporarily, but then I feel anxious and guilty about doing that. So it feeds a vicious cycle.

One thing I will do when my wife goes to the office to work is be sure to visit these forums and avail myself of the videos and TED talks on this subject.
 

laalee

Active Member
Good idea i use to do the same, my trigger was when my partner would go away for the weekend i would be glued to porn
and act out sexually with other people, it is a feeling of abandonment.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement, Buddha, Farmer, laalee.

Day 4 and nothing hurts, yet, I don't think. I have just only gotten up. By now, I would have gone through pages of tumblr photos to check out "what's new" as if any of this is really new.

The trigger for me is being alone. But this is my normal situation. I get up before my wife does. I work alone at home and the porn starts then. Evenings and weekends, there has been virtually no porn (except, of course, when she is away) although sometimes I would slip into my office for a quick check of my accounts and cam moment. I never knew that working at home, which started me down this path, would enable such a result.

By removing all known porn and cam accounts, I have put myself into cold turkey mode, I guess. I am replacing the lonely moments with browsing this site and related ones as I await the real impact. I am  sure your help will make it easier.

This is serious. I can't get it up with my wife because I have an addiction and I have to do this now.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Day 4, nothing is happening, so that is good I guess. Had one coffee instead of two today. Did some stretches and tried to do some pushups (got to 2 ... the first time in 20 years) and a few yoga poses this morning. I began to think how I got here, the perfect storm that started all of this ...

Somewhere around 2005, I accidentally stumbled across some nude photos while browsing on the internet. I found it hard to take my eyes off these young, good-looking naked men and women. I do not know why but it was easy and it didn?t take too long to get hooked. I started looking for more photos. I was confused ? I was happy in my marriage ? why was I doing this? I had never looked at porn, any kind, before. The internet made it so easy. All those sexy young women, those svelte hard men, all young enough to be my kids, wasn?t it just fantasy? I had no one to talk to about this.

I kept looking for photos. I couldn?t stop. There were so many out there. About the same time, my wife went into menopause and began to have a difficult time sustaining her level of sexual energy. I just became horny looking at the photos and began masturbating to them. These women were my sex goddesses and the men were the jerk-off buddies I never had as a teenager.

I had not masturbated at all since before we got married, so I felt pangs of guilt at first, but the guilt went away quickly. I realized that using my hand on myself once in a while would keep my testosterone level up and my sexual fires stoked. I could still perform after a day or 2 refractory period, so I figured I had found a reasonable and safe way to keep balance during menopause. It didn?t take long to get hooked. Not bad for a guy who had never crossed paths with porn. Everything was now in balance.

That was a decade ago.

The pattern was burning itself into my brain.
 

BuddhaAwake

Active Member
Day 4 for me- Feeling a bit more of a pull to pmo, but I haven't. I'm using suggestions from the YBOP book- journaling, meditating, working on the novel I'm writing.

Keep up the good work, jjacks!
 

jjacks

Active Member
Thanks, Buddha

It is early day 5. Wife is still asleep and by now I would have viewed hundreds of new tumblr porn postings. I am here instead. Still thinking about how I got here.

Yesterday I described how I started a two-year descent into regular PMO, something I justified as keeping my male hormones in balance while my wife was going through a menopausal slowdown. This brought me to 2007. That year  we moved and I was no longer near my office. I was fortunate to be able to keep my job, working from home. My wife started a business that kept her away from my home office throughout the day. What I did not anticipate was the effect of having no human contact all day, five days a week, and all on my own. The porn screen went on every morning the same time as I turned on my office emails.

This was when I stumbled across my first webcamming site. There it was, the perfect storm - alone, private, and internet-enabled live action and conversation. Needless to say, the last ten years have been a tough struggle to keep delivering on my work and not be discovered edging and cumming on cam with other men and women like me. I have encountered many people along the way, mostly men like myself, blaming their actions on menopause. We have all been caught in this deception.

Signs of PIED became evident about two years ago. Refractory period was getting longer. Erections getting briefer. Morning wood virtually absent. Orgasms becoming no more fun. Excuses getting more frequent. Yet I could get it up for the webcam.

But that is history ... five days in, now, I do not feel physically different but there is a sense of relief to be away from all that and all is well. My wife should be up soon and I have to get the coffee on. I think I will make her a special breakfast.
 

Farmer1016

Active Member
Is your wife aware of your efforts to get better?

I shared my struggle with my bride after I accepted the fact that I could no longer effectively bear the burden alone.

She has become my biggest cheerleader and a faithful guardian.
 

jjacks

Active Member
My wife has no idea. I do not think she would fully understand. A few years ago I mentioned my loneliness and she immediately jumped in to try and fix it for me. Not what I needed at the time -- I needed understanding. She has regularly expressed her opinion regarding sexting and stuff like that and it could turn out disastrous.

Nevertheless, she has been very supportive of me when ED kicks in (most of the time now) and supports me wholeheartedly in getting over any anxiety regarding that. With her helping me deal with symptoms and the group here as well, I feel confident I can handle whatever comes up.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Day 6. All is well. Too early to say otherwise. Tomorrow I will be back in the temptation situation. That is where the challenge begins.
 

BuddhaAwake

Active Member
Glad you are doing well, jjacks!

I relapsed last night, going to bed before my wife. Total PIED left me frustrated and angry, near furious! When I calmed down I realized that I'd learned an important lesson- don't get overconfident- stay vigilant about triggers and have a plan beforehand. If I wait until the urge/addiction kicks in, it's too late to stop it, at least for me now. With more abstinence I might be able to abort as the addiction threatens to launch, but right now I can't.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Buddha, can't is not an option.  Didn't is more accurate.

You were honest about what happened ... you will get back on track and stay the course. I know you have it in you.

-JJ
 

BuddhaAwake

Active Member
jjacks- Thanks for your response:)

By can't I meant I need to be prepared for times when temptation rears its ugly head and not assume I can come up with something spur of the moment. Maybe I can distract/avoid temptation when I get the itch/the pressure builds up, but for now I know I need to have plans ready beforehand. It is highly recommended in the YBOP book.

For example, I plan to not even turn on my tablet when I go to bed. I will read a "real" book (non-etext) to avoid the trigger of powering up the device upon which I watch porn at night.

That's all I meant.
 

jjacks

Active Member
I agree on being ready to deal with the temptation before it arises. 

Day 7 here ? I am at my most vulnerable. I am starting my work week in my private office. My instinct is to take my clothes off and get logged into my private sites while my work laptop loads. But, of course, I cancelled all my accounts last week. So that takes care of half. That is part of dealing with the temptation in advance. I guess.

My body is still itching to get out of these clothes. My mind is still going back to my penis. I can channel that energy through some yoga or some other exercise. Is naked yoga or naked pushups a compromise? I have some work calls coming up. I will make it through the day.
 

Farmer1016

Active Member
To me, staying fully clothed seems to be the safest approach because, for me at least, once the clothing comes off I'm 85% on the path toward trouble.

Is it realistic for you to take breaks away from the screens during the day? Are you able to leave the house and go for a walk perhaps? Fresh air and sunshine may get your mind refocused.



 

jjacks

Active Member
Thanks Farmer. I get away regularly during the day. I guess I am the faster dresser and undresser on the planet. I have to be in case my wife comes in on me, which has happened a few times in the past 10 years. I can hear her footsteps and she has never caught me with my pants down.

The problem is that I associate being in the office with  the rest. And as long as I am gainfully employed at home, I have to spend this time in the office. 

Been ok today so far.
 

blurgh

Member
Hey Jjacks,
I don't think one way or the other about the clothes except that you could ask yourself if you feel triggered by it. There is no way that by itself being naked is one thing or the other but for you personally it might mean a great deal.
take care
Blurgh
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
You guys are doing well -

I would suggest you move your office to another place in the home, at least while you are working.  Try an open space in the home, something that is not 'secluded'.  Getting out of that room will help, it did me - also, being out in a more open area can help to make you feel like your not alone.

Just my two cents -

stay strong, keep finding your strength - you can beat this.
 
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