Try Again

Day Three.

Embarrassing to have to announce myself as a newcomer, but here we are. Trying to dial back into this community again.

I mostly stuck to MO, but PMO'd three times since January, as always triggered in sleep onset. I have many blocks in place on my computer, but I seem to have moved to my phone.

Always very short, no marathon seshes by any means, but the last one left me feeling pretty gross and bad about myself, so I knew it was time to start flexing these muscles again.

I also watched that Chris Rock special last night (not knowing) that I'm sure many people are discussing on these forums. It was interesting to hear someone who I don't associate with recovery use the terms he did; terms I usually only hear in my head when I read things on these sites, or as said in videos by the more prominent members of this community. I related a lot with what he said about "sexual autism" or the perfect cocktail he needs. Fortunately (or not) for me, I don't seem to need the cocktail to get off, but I'm just not hard and doing it just to get it out of the way so I can go back to sleep. I could be looking at just about anything, it's all muscle-memory.

In any case, taking another crack at it.

Welcome back!!  You can do it!  Just make sure you always keep the benefits of quitting before your eyes.  Read about them often, think about them often and focus on the good stuff, not the pain of resisting or the allure of the old way.  Good luck!

Day Four.

The first couple day aren't usually that bad, but I know the temptation, if not the conditioning, is bound to turn up again. If only because I'm feeling the faintest itch right now. So I'm trying to engage those thoughts here and "tell on myself". (kind of what you're suggesting, broccolini)

I've said it before, but if nothing else, I'm grateful that this site and this program has disrupted the behavior for me. That it's now impossible for me to use without thinking of this, without an awareness of what's happening, and an awareness of the benefits I'm cheating myself of. And even if I fail and I do slip, I will still be conscious of this and the long-term goals I'm struggling toward and a genuine desire to change.

You might want to consider downloading this PDF to your phone:

http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.BENEFITS.pdf

I've found it really helpful to read from it for 30 minutes each day.  It really helps to let the benefits sink in and to remind me (as a permanent state, not just as a temporary bit of enthusiasm that slips away) what the benefits are and that they can be real for me.  It's also helpful to have it easily available for those difficult times when your brain forgets why you're doing this and just wants a fix at all costs.

Day Five.

Still hanging tough. But I never know what to expect in sleep onset. I have read a couple of books about the sleep cycle and dreaming in the last month or so and gained a little knowledge into the physiological reason why I might slip into this semi-sexsomniac state, but it doesn't help when I'm already firing up my browser and need to stop, pronto. Fortunately, work was stressful and I went to yoga, so I'm good and tired tonight.

I'm grateful that I have the willingness to keep trying and keep showing up for myself. Whatever happens, I will be kind to myself and keep striving toward a greater resistance and more space between sessions.

Broccolini: Hell yeah, man. Thanks for that. This is a cross addiction for me, and having easy access to literature and readings for the other support group I belong to is super helpful for my recovery.

If I make it through tonight, day 7.

Woke up M'ing during sleep onset last night. Came very close to the edge, but did not finish, nor was I hard. So still in, but that was some squirrely behavior last night.

Had an exceptionally difficult day at work today and I'm tired and terribly stressed tonight. M seems like it would be a relief; a way to blow off steam. But I'm tired of this discussion with myself, and I'm tired of guilt, and should-I-or-shouldn't-I and I just really want to give a life of hitting my stride not being at the mercy of my urges a fighting chance.

Day 9.

Doesn't feel like that can possibly be right, because in my experience of trying to curtail this habit, I tend to get real itchy right around 10. Except for when I caught myself starting in my sleep earlier this week, I haven't had much urge. Not that I expect it to have *poof* miraculously vanished, I expect plenty of white-knuckling and setbacks ahead, but I am grateful for the foundation of a solid week of letting myself rest before fighting on.

I had a relapse dream last night. Not a wet one, but just very viscerally dreamed of PMO and the type of P that I looked at. I'm also grateful for that relapse dream. I know that evolutionarily, part of dream work is rehearsing survival through real-life threats, so it tells me my subconscious is taking this seriously and that I'm trying to program in a defense. Or something. I'm at least glad it wasn't real.

One day at a time. Every day I'm given the option of what to do with that energy and that temptation, and every day that I don't PMO is indeed miraculous.

Day 10.

Feeling the itch more today. I had a very relaxing, very good weekend - exactly the weekend I needed after an intense work week and anticipating another of same. Feeling grateful for the small amounts of serenity I've been able to find, and heading to bed feeling peaceful. I'll try not to worry about other nights down the road, but for tonight, I truly hope I can find the strength to make it through, to not give in, and look back at this weekend positively.

Day 11

I had a really stressful day at work and then had very intense, negative interaction with an acquaintance later this evening that totally caught me off guard and disarmed me. This was like three hours ago and I'm still shaky and wound up and adrenaline-y and a bundle of shitty-feeling nerves. I'm home and settled after having talked about it with some other people, and even though "in the moment" I wasn't considering PMO or MO as a way of dealing with these feelings, now that the dust has settled somewhat, I am noticing that urge creeping in and want to keep its tendrils from wrapping around me. I wanted to come home after a long day, take a nice relaxing shower and read my nice relaxing book, but all that's out the window. I know I've got to live life on life's terms, and that using isn't going to relieve these tension in the long run. As soon as it's over, I'll feel worse than before and like even more of a failure, and that isn't going to serve me in trying to move past this addiction. It's important for me to keep saying that even though I don't "feel" it and life feels sucky right now. I just really don't want to use over hitting a pothole in life.

Hey El Goodo

work through it. It's good you post often. I wish you strength and I wish that whatever you do you make a conscious choice. If you start feeling urges think about them. Not about flashbacks, just take a moment to thing about the nature of having those urges, and why you have them. It usually helps me. Puts things into perspective and moves me from tumbling down the rabbit hole into watching the rabbit hole, smiling, stepping over it and moving the fuck on. good luck!

Day 12

Pleased with the time I've put together. It's a challenge, but it feels good and I hope I can continue to see it through.

Today I was alone at work most of the day (not unusual) and had a fair amount of downtime (somewhat unusual, particularly during a busy spell in the busy season) and found my mind wandering a lot. I considered on at least two occasions PMO/MO-ing right there at work. WTF?! I've never had a thought like that. I felt like a goddamned animal or something, but there I was, having to very intentionally dismiss those thoughts. Some of it probably had to do with mindlessly scrolling through suggested accounts on social media which, since my account is for art and has something of an "alternative" aesthetic, seems to mean lots of eroticized images, sexy tattoo stuff, things like that, which I'm sure is not good for my sobriety in this program, so that is something that will have to be closely monitored and avoided.

So once again, hoping very much to make it through the night, especially considering my brain "went there" a little bit today, I'm a few days in now, and I have to get up early tomorrow.

Day 13

Feeling super grateful to have made it this far along. Trying to stay mindful and not get overconfident; taking what little progress I've made for granted or allowing myself an "I've got this" is as much a gateway to relapse as is self-pity or saying "why bother?"

I haven't experienced a really severe craving yet (although I'm sure to feel it sooner rather than later), but I am really aware of desiring a permitted release. I'm vacillating between the poles of acutely wanting to have sex but also feeling not interested in the anxiety of dating or looking for a partner, also unsure if dating is really the best idea at this point in my larger recovery picture. I'm not someone who has casual hookups or "meaningless" sex. There's a lot to be said about challenging my habit of serial monogamy, or the possibility of dating just for fun/sex that's getting into waters of my psyche I think it'd be tedious to unpack here, but I wanted to note that I'm experiencing this feeling and that maybe all the things that come with it are things I want to consider in the light of my recovery, if that makes any sense.

Day 14.

Just about. If I make it through tonight.

Crazy that it's only been 14 days, feels like it's been much longer but in a good way. Entering the danger zone here. Historically, I've tended to hit around the two week mark on my own before there's a slip. I'm also working very hard not to allow myself MO this time around, as in the past I've allowed some, within limits, as a harm-reduction method. But I'm curious to see how things will play out if I really push and challenge myself. I've been on an up lately, not only because of this program but in conjunction with some other things I've had going on, and I hope to continue this streak of delaying instant gratification in favor of long-term happiness and stability.

Hey El Goodo,

hard mode, no MO is the way to go. I once did over a year of hard mode and it was extremely beneficial and fun, a true rebirth of the way brain channels sexuality (turning it outwards to other people instead of inwards for quick outbursts of self-satisfaction). Later I got hooked on animated porn and tried to quit it while allowing M, fantasising etc. Total mess.

hard mode, man. that's where it's at. good luck

Made it through tonight and through the first part of day 15. But that first part was at work. The real challenge begins now.

Just got home and I'm really wanting to (P)MO, so this is me telling on myself. I'm in the middle of fighting an urge.

Is it because it's Friday? Is it because I had a stressful afternoon? Is it because I got some news at work at the end of the day that will alter the nature of my workplace in a potentially great and potentially more stress-inducing way but is ultimately out of my control? And now I feel the need to control my environment? I don't know, but these are all potential triggers and places where my mind is right now.

Will try to remember to check in again later tonight.

Onto day 16.

I'm not resetting the counter despite a semi wet-dream last night. Upon dozing off had a very intense, visceral sex dream and woke up right on the edge, which after a moderate amount of sleepy wriggling completed itself. Never did my hands go near myself. I see the point of this exercise is not using P and avoiding intentional, habitual MO (with attendant death-grip), and to me this was my body more or less doing what it does. I haven't looked at the first pornographic image this whole time, nor have I MO-d to fantasy. It was still a rough night, and I think my brain went there that intensely because it was a tortured few hours of white-knuckling before dozing off. It was like trying to go to sleep with a car alarm going off in my crotch. There was even (I'm not making this up) and honest-to-goodness earthquake last night. Crazy. I'm tired today and it has been tough to restrain myself today after experiencing that release and without a good psychological defense against exhaustion, but this is where the real work is and where the true progress lies. Still, for me, no PMO for 16 days is real progress.

good job El Goodo

You are on the right path. Just continue with that discipline you've shown already. No-one can control dreams. It's not a relapse.

Day 17

Thanks for having my back, happysad. Feeling somewhat lighter after Friday night and a very tired day yesterday, but I know the challenge of not returning to P and intentional MO still lies ahead. It's hard to unwire decades of habitually looking at that stuff. I became such a passive consumer of it and my body got so used to the regular release that I'm wary of the ways it might creep up on me in ways I never even considered. One of my favorite sites updates on Tuesdays. I made it through the last two Tuesdays having to very intentionally and mindfully not even allow myself a peek. In some ways, it's not even about the content, but about the desire to know, to control; it's the compulsion that comes with obsession. And I know when Tuesday rolls around this week, it's gonna be another itch I can't reach or a rock in my shoe. But I have to learn to sit with this and allow the discomfort and the controlling need to unwind itself from me.

Day 18

Not feeling good today. Very depressed and emotionally hungover. It's hard/embarrassing to talk about. Last night, I was making my rounds on social media before settling into bed to read. I checked on the profile of my most recent ex who I miss very, very much, as I am wont to do. I noticed she and a friend of mine now followed each other. It's a friend she never met through me (me and this guy aren't tight or anything, but we're good) and isn't in a scene or a circle she runs in at all.

Now, there are realistically many avenues they could have gone down that resulted in meeting and befriending each other, howevermuch, but my brain went immediately to they met via online dating and and now they're dating or together or something. No evidence at all, that's just where I allowed my brain to go, and I went into a horrendous tailspin for the rest of the night (and today). I slept like three hours. It was a punch to the gut.

And it really made me want to P/MO. Like really badly. That was my solution. And it felt like that had been taken away from me. And I had to lay there in my crazy all night long. I didn't P/MO. At all. But I was able to think it through. It definitely would have made me "feel better" by distracting me in the moment. As long as I had images flashing in front of my eyes, my brain was numb and not experiencing the insanity that sent me reeling. But after it was over, the pain, the craziness, the sadness, the out of control monkey mind would still be there, and I'd feel all the worse, grosser, and dumber because I had given in.

But I didn't. And I should be proud of myself and giving myself a little credit for getting through the night, but all I can feel today is depressed and exhausted and just wallowing in self-pity at what I allow myself to do to myself. Even if she is with this guy - which I have no evidence of - it's out of my control. Our relationship is over and it's her/his/their life. But it's so hard to accept life on life's terms and not want to jack the fucking pain and crazy away.

I dunno. I'm glad I'm willing to try and bring it here and be honest, I guess.

Hey, well done on getting to day 18. You've made good progress!

There's nothing unnatural about how you felt when you saw your ex's profile online. It's horrid trying to read things into what people post online - if it's possible, maybe it'd be a good idea to keep your time on social media to a minimum for now? Or even block / unfollow your ex? She can be Schrodinger's Ex - you don't know what she's up to and you don't really *need* to know.

Well done for thinking through the consequences of a relapse. It's never going to properly gratify you. You're made for so much more than that.