C
Chip
Guest
May 5th, 2016
(Re-lapsed May 4th, 2016)
I Found a hole in my defenses yesterday and went crazy for a few hours. The hole is now blocked but I wanted to go back and elaborate a little more on my path to where I am now. Its disheartening for sure to relapse again, I've done it more times than I can recall and I am ashamed. The last time I did it I felt so bad I stayed away for a week and then deleted my old account and started again with a new name. I didn't want to do that this time, on the outside chance my struggle can help someone else find freedom. There is a man on here named William, he's been free now something like 1000 days, I envy that. I credit William's honesty and openness with me doing better than I have in a long while. I followed William's advice and went over to the No-Fap site he'd written on prior to RN and read some of his experiences. If you've never read his post I recommend you do.
Below are links to William
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?3549-Action!-or-not!!!-Have-you-actually-Prepared-for-it
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0;topicseen
At 8 I was introduced to porn by a neighborhood friend, just Magazines at first but there were a lot in his fathers collection, perhaps 200 mags and posters.
At 12 I discovered cable TV and adult channels, hacked my cable box and began to PMO.
At 14 I was watching porn every day/night, whenever I got the opportunity and was PMO'ing 3 to 5 times a day.
At 16 I'd progressed to fantasizing and making my own audio recordings to augment my magazine/cable/PMO sessions.
At 17 a girl I'd fallen in love with was killed in an auto mobile accident and I withdrew deeper into my Fantasy/PMO habit.
I began therapy after this to deal with the depression and loss but nothing was ever mentioned about porn or masturbation.
After a few months he declared me normal with above average intelligence and a positive outlook for the future.
At 18 I begin purchasing my own mags and started a collection. I also made friends with a girl who shared with me her sexual
exploits and I began weaving them into stories I wrote and shared with friends. I'd stay up every night writing, fantasizing and
masturbating until I was exhausted.
At 20 my addiction had grown from a small fire into a raging inferno, I looked around at my life and what I was doing and was
completely ashamed. I was so disgusted with my escalation and convicted in my soul over my Porn/Fantasy MO addiction that I set out
to destroy my entire collection. I burned my mags in the fireplace, erased all my audio fantasy recordings, deleted all my erotic stories
and UN-hacked my cable box. I begged God for forgiveness and vowed to stay away from any porn.
Eradicating all that shit from my life really helped me a lot, I felt better and became more outgoing and less shy towards women, but what I didn't realize was that porn & lust are one in the same. I made a mistake, as young men often do and kept that girl in my life who was sharing her sexual exploits with me, you see I thought I'd fallen in love with her. In hindsight it was only lust and fixation, but to my young mans mind and libido she was exactly what i thought I wanted, she just needed reforming. Her stories kept my mind ablaze with fantasy and I continued to masturbate at least a couple of times a day. She was dating someone else at the time, a guy who was a world class loser, but I guess bad boys are just as appealing to girls the way bad girls can appeal to us. I told myself I was just biding my time, eventually she'd see what a waste he was and how loyal and true I was, at least I had a job and a drivers license. It never happened, he got her pregnant finally with all that activity and simultaneously got arrested for drugs, how marvelous. She moved out of state to live with family and I was left with nothing but memories, fantasy and my masturbation. I don't remember how or when the mags found their way back into my life but they did and if the occasional feelings of guilt or conviction ever arouse I just told myself I was educating myself for future marriage sex. Regardless of whatever excuse I tried to sell my conscience, I still couldn't escape the guilt and shame of what I was doing.
I was raised in a Christian home and I was able for the most part to keep my parents in the dark about my addiction growing up. I am also a Christian today, albeit sometimes a miserable one and I'm sure I have done damage to my witness. I believe the scripture is very clear on lust and fornication, so to me porn, masturbating and fantasy about anyone other than my wife is plainly, "SIN". I know some on here will be offended or disagree with my blunt assessment, but that is how I see it. However, I will not throw this up to anyone else, I only throw it at myself.
At 22 I met the beautiful girl who would become my wife and I confided in her my struggle with PMO.
At 25 we married, but she was in school and I had free time in the evenings and I explored PPV adult movies, my idle hands found something to keep them occupied.
At 28 we got internet service for the first time and right away I discovered that internet porn was just too easy and accessible to ignore.
At 29 when she graduated college we worked different shifts, so I'd be home alone most nights, just me and the PC or Pay Per View cable.
Please understand I do NOT blame her for my inability to control myself when she wasn't home, she always made up for it when she was, but PMO
isn't about sex. My addiction began to reimerge and became more and more troublesome. There was the constant guilt, but at night I couldn't get to sleep
most nights unless I snuck off to PMO.
At 33 I was home sick with the flu and read the book, "She said, Yes" by Misty Bernall, the mother of a girl killed at Columbine.
This book had a profound affect on me, I knew when I finished it that I wanted the kind of relationship her daughter had with God. My current PMO
kept my relationship to God hindered and virtually dead and I wanted to find a way out. I installed a filter, but the early ones weren't very good.
I read books, Like "Every man's Battle" did special online Bible studies like "Setting captives Free", but I still would relapse every so often. I knew
from past experience that will power alone isn't enough, so I began reading and researching everything available in regards to sexual addictions.
I looked for a friend I could confide in or someone in the church I could reach out to, but back then it wasn't a well known problem. I think most people,
at least most women don't believe it is an addiction, the rest just think this it is our natural male behavior. To me it is our natural, God given desire, intended
for our wives alone, twisted into a perverted, wild, lusty, entangling mess. This is my journal of my journey out of the pit, that I helped dig and it has led me
here. I hope I can encourage others and be encouraged as well.
At 45 I found RN and I'm positive with my renewed efforts, dedication and the support of my fellow RN peeps that I too will eventually be able to say I am free.
May 09, 2016 ***I became, "A Man Who Repented of Sexual Sin."***
May 19, 2016 ***Reached 10 Days, NO PMO.***
May 29, 2016 ***Reached 20 Days, NO PMO.***
June 08, 2016 ***Reached 30 Days, NO PMO.***
June 18, 2016 ***Reached 40 Days, NO PMO.***
June 28, 2016 ***Reached 50 Days, NO PMO.***
July 08, 2016 ***Reached 60 Days, NO PMO.***
July 18, 2016 ***Reached 70 Days, NO PMO.***
July 28, 2016 ***Reached 80 Days, NO PMO.***
August 7, 2016 ***REBOOT COMPLETE 90 Days, NO PMO.***
This is my Single & Married Christian Step by Step Guide to breaking the addiction of Porn.
These are the steps I took, according to scripture on my path to Rebooting.
Its important to note, that if you don't have a strong negative opinion of porn, your likely to fall sooner or later.
You have to decide in your heart and mind that porn and masturbation are disgusting and no longer any part of your life.
There can be no reunions planned for in the future, Porn must be Deleted, De-friended and Despised.
(Re-lapsed May 4th, 2016)
I Found a hole in my defenses yesterday and went crazy for a few hours. The hole is now blocked but I wanted to go back and elaborate a little more on my path to where I am now. Its disheartening for sure to relapse again, I've done it more times than I can recall and I am ashamed. The last time I did it I felt so bad I stayed away for a week and then deleted my old account and started again with a new name. I didn't want to do that this time, on the outside chance my struggle can help someone else find freedom. There is a man on here named William, he's been free now something like 1000 days, I envy that. I credit William's honesty and openness with me doing better than I have in a long while. I followed William's advice and went over to the No-Fap site he'd written on prior to RN and read some of his experiences. If you've never read his post I recommend you do.
Below are links to William
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?3549-Action!-or-not!!!-Have-you-actually-Prepared-for-it
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0;topicseen
At 8 I was introduced to porn by a neighborhood friend, just Magazines at first but there were a lot in his fathers collection, perhaps 200 mags and posters.
At 12 I discovered cable TV and adult channels, hacked my cable box and began to PMO.
At 14 I was watching porn every day/night, whenever I got the opportunity and was PMO'ing 3 to 5 times a day.
At 16 I'd progressed to fantasizing and making my own audio recordings to augment my magazine/cable/PMO sessions.
At 17 a girl I'd fallen in love with was killed in an auto mobile accident and I withdrew deeper into my Fantasy/PMO habit.
I began therapy after this to deal with the depression and loss but nothing was ever mentioned about porn or masturbation.
After a few months he declared me normal with above average intelligence and a positive outlook for the future.
At 18 I begin purchasing my own mags and started a collection. I also made friends with a girl who shared with me her sexual
exploits and I began weaving them into stories I wrote and shared with friends. I'd stay up every night writing, fantasizing and
masturbating until I was exhausted.
At 20 my addiction had grown from a small fire into a raging inferno, I looked around at my life and what I was doing and was
completely ashamed. I was so disgusted with my escalation and convicted in my soul over my Porn/Fantasy MO addiction that I set out
to destroy my entire collection. I burned my mags in the fireplace, erased all my audio fantasy recordings, deleted all my erotic stories
and UN-hacked my cable box. I begged God for forgiveness and vowed to stay away from any porn.
Eradicating all that shit from my life really helped me a lot, I felt better and became more outgoing and less shy towards women, but what I didn't realize was that porn & lust are one in the same. I made a mistake, as young men often do and kept that girl in my life who was sharing her sexual exploits with me, you see I thought I'd fallen in love with her. In hindsight it was only lust and fixation, but to my young mans mind and libido she was exactly what i thought I wanted, she just needed reforming. Her stories kept my mind ablaze with fantasy and I continued to masturbate at least a couple of times a day. She was dating someone else at the time, a guy who was a world class loser, but I guess bad boys are just as appealing to girls the way bad girls can appeal to us. I told myself I was just biding my time, eventually she'd see what a waste he was and how loyal and true I was, at least I had a job and a drivers license. It never happened, he got her pregnant finally with all that activity and simultaneously got arrested for drugs, how marvelous. She moved out of state to live with family and I was left with nothing but memories, fantasy and my masturbation. I don't remember how or when the mags found their way back into my life but they did and if the occasional feelings of guilt or conviction ever arouse I just told myself I was educating myself for future marriage sex. Regardless of whatever excuse I tried to sell my conscience, I still couldn't escape the guilt and shame of what I was doing.
I was raised in a Christian home and I was able for the most part to keep my parents in the dark about my addiction growing up. I am also a Christian today, albeit sometimes a miserable one and I'm sure I have done damage to my witness. I believe the scripture is very clear on lust and fornication, so to me porn, masturbating and fantasy about anyone other than my wife is plainly, "SIN". I know some on here will be offended or disagree with my blunt assessment, but that is how I see it. However, I will not throw this up to anyone else, I only throw it at myself.
At 22 I met the beautiful girl who would become my wife and I confided in her my struggle with PMO.
At 25 we married, but she was in school and I had free time in the evenings and I explored PPV adult movies, my idle hands found something to keep them occupied.
At 28 we got internet service for the first time and right away I discovered that internet porn was just too easy and accessible to ignore.
At 29 when she graduated college we worked different shifts, so I'd be home alone most nights, just me and the PC or Pay Per View cable.
Please understand I do NOT blame her for my inability to control myself when she wasn't home, she always made up for it when she was, but PMO
isn't about sex. My addiction began to reimerge and became more and more troublesome. There was the constant guilt, but at night I couldn't get to sleep
most nights unless I snuck off to PMO.
At 33 I was home sick with the flu and read the book, "She said, Yes" by Misty Bernall, the mother of a girl killed at Columbine.
This book had a profound affect on me, I knew when I finished it that I wanted the kind of relationship her daughter had with God. My current PMO
kept my relationship to God hindered and virtually dead and I wanted to find a way out. I installed a filter, but the early ones weren't very good.
I read books, Like "Every man's Battle" did special online Bible studies like "Setting captives Free", but I still would relapse every so often. I knew
from past experience that will power alone isn't enough, so I began reading and researching everything available in regards to sexual addictions.
I looked for a friend I could confide in or someone in the church I could reach out to, but back then it wasn't a well known problem. I think most people,
at least most women don't believe it is an addiction, the rest just think this it is our natural male behavior. To me it is our natural, God given desire, intended
for our wives alone, twisted into a perverted, wild, lusty, entangling mess. This is my journal of my journey out of the pit, that I helped dig and it has led me
here. I hope I can encourage others and be encouraged as well.
At 45 I found RN and I'm positive with my renewed efforts, dedication and the support of my fellow RN peeps that I too will eventually be able to say I am free.
May 09, 2016 ***I became, "A Man Who Repented of Sexual Sin."***
May 19, 2016 ***Reached 10 Days, NO PMO.***
May 29, 2016 ***Reached 20 Days, NO PMO.***
June 08, 2016 ***Reached 30 Days, NO PMO.***
June 18, 2016 ***Reached 40 Days, NO PMO.***
June 28, 2016 ***Reached 50 Days, NO PMO.***
July 08, 2016 ***Reached 60 Days, NO PMO.***
July 18, 2016 ***Reached 70 Days, NO PMO.***
July 28, 2016 ***Reached 80 Days, NO PMO.***
August 7, 2016 ***REBOOT COMPLETE 90 Days, NO PMO.***
This is my Single & Married Christian Step by Step Guide to breaking the addiction of Porn.
These are the steps I took, according to scripture on my path to Rebooting.
- Confession - Leviticus 26:40, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 51:1, Proverbs 28:13, Daniel 9:4
1. Admitting we have committed the sins of Adultery & Idolatry, through Porn and Masturbation.
2. Agreeing with God that we were unfaithful to Him as well as our spouse. - Repentance - Joel 2:12, Amos 5:4, Matthew 9:13
1. This is more than a tearful heartfelt apology, it is to turn away from sin and go in the opposite direction.
2. This involves a commitment to living a different way, moving away from sin and towards God.
3. This is No longer viewing porn, No longer Fantasizing, No more Pre-Marital Sex, No more Drunken Revelry. - Plucking Out & Cutting Off - Matthew 5:29-30, Mark 9:43
1. This involves is utilizing filters & blockers on your PC's and devices. K9 Web Protection & Pluckeye Image Blocker
2. Using a flip instead of a smart phone.
3. Giving Tablets to friends to hold during Reboot. - Take your thoughts captive - 2 Corinthians 10:5
1. A captive is a prisoner and under the control of his captors, so then we must take control of what we think.
2. When thoughts and urges present themselves to us, we do NOT engage them directly, we take the offensive and put our minds on other things and let the urge pass. - Make a Covenant with your eyes - Job 31:1
1. This is the practice of averting your eyes: NO Ogling women, NO Nudity or Simulated Sex(TV or Movie), NO Porn or P-subs, a ZERO PORN POLICY. - Walk in the Spirit - Romans 13:11-14, Galatians 5:16-26
- Meditate on His word - Joshua 1:8, Psalm 119:27
- Pray without ceasing - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
- Seek the Lord with all your heart - Deuteronomy 4:29
- Read success stories and study, study, study.(Bible, RN and YBOP)
- Learn to HATE porn, PORN KILLS LOVE!
- Setup a counter
- Go read William.
Its important to note, that if you don't have a strong negative opinion of porn, your likely to fall sooner or later.
You have to decide in your heart and mind that porn and masturbation are disgusting and no longer any part of your life.
There can be no reunions planned for in the future, Porn must be Deleted, De-friended and Despised.