ANightDude17
Member
Day 7
Seven days in, figure I should go ahead and start a journal to track my progress. I've got a physical one and a digital one, so that'll keep me in check twice. Woo!
So seven days in - I'm curious if I'm having any symptoms at all, or if the symptoms are so intense I'm hardly noticing them. Had a severe sexual dream the very first night, and had one of me watching porn the second night in. Fifth night in I had horrible insomnia, headaches (more than usual), and now tonight I'm feeling severe depression and low self-worth.
The last thing I want to do is throw a pity party for myself, but I need to express my thoughts for just a moment. I've always presented a happy exterior but hid away a miserable interior. It's all I've done my entire life - mask the problem until it seems to be gone. I'm 23, I'm gay, I'm addicted to porn and suffer from PIED. PMO almost daily before I quit. Now that I'm seven days in the urge to give up is arriving with my depressed state. I've suffered from severe depression before in my life and I'm currently on medication for it.
In addition to that, I'm dealing with hyperhidrosis relating to my anxiety. I sweat like all hell when doing any kind of physical exercise for just twenty minutes - maybe even fifteen. I'm not overweight by any means either. My sweat mostly comes from my armpits, and when it doesn't it's coming from my face, my head, the back of my neck, and now suddenly my palms are sweaty too. My hair is getting grey and silver hairs (at 23!) and I'm becoming anxious of some thinning around my temples and possible early balding signs. Jesus, what a mess.
Yet I've made the decision to quit pornography. I'm over and done with it. PMO as a whole. I just can't deal with it - the anxiety, the guilt, the foggy depressed feeling I'd get after watching it. Yet without it I feel so damn alone. I can't say if anyone else deals with this in this fashion. Porn filled a void for me. I've been single for years, my other relationships being in my high schools years and one insane one in college with a guy dealing with a barrage of mental issues. I'm alone. I'm lonely. I'm feeling so often that I'm alone, that no one will (or can) love me. What's the point in giving up PMO when everything else will be just as miserable?
BUT - is that just the withdrawing brain talking? Are these thoughts I'm feeling part of stepping out of all this nonsense? Can my life daresay improve?
Most of these issues (hyperhidrosis, depression, anxiety, etc.) started coming about at 14. I started watching porn at 12, experimented with it as early as 10. I didn't realize before finding this community what I've done to my own brain and how I've hurt my perception of the world.
I've got to keep going. This can only be temporary pain. I can love myself again. I can fall in love. I can find confidence, kick anxiety out, get back to my creative pursuits. I can I can I can I can I can.
Seven days in, figure I should go ahead and start a journal to track my progress. I've got a physical one and a digital one, so that'll keep me in check twice. Woo!
So seven days in - I'm curious if I'm having any symptoms at all, or if the symptoms are so intense I'm hardly noticing them. Had a severe sexual dream the very first night, and had one of me watching porn the second night in. Fifth night in I had horrible insomnia, headaches (more than usual), and now tonight I'm feeling severe depression and low self-worth.
The last thing I want to do is throw a pity party for myself, but I need to express my thoughts for just a moment. I've always presented a happy exterior but hid away a miserable interior. It's all I've done my entire life - mask the problem until it seems to be gone. I'm 23, I'm gay, I'm addicted to porn and suffer from PIED. PMO almost daily before I quit. Now that I'm seven days in the urge to give up is arriving with my depressed state. I've suffered from severe depression before in my life and I'm currently on medication for it.
In addition to that, I'm dealing with hyperhidrosis relating to my anxiety. I sweat like all hell when doing any kind of physical exercise for just twenty minutes - maybe even fifteen. I'm not overweight by any means either. My sweat mostly comes from my armpits, and when it doesn't it's coming from my face, my head, the back of my neck, and now suddenly my palms are sweaty too. My hair is getting grey and silver hairs (at 23!) and I'm becoming anxious of some thinning around my temples and possible early balding signs. Jesus, what a mess.
Yet I've made the decision to quit pornography. I'm over and done with it. PMO as a whole. I just can't deal with it - the anxiety, the guilt, the foggy depressed feeling I'd get after watching it. Yet without it I feel so damn alone. I can't say if anyone else deals with this in this fashion. Porn filled a void for me. I've been single for years, my other relationships being in my high schools years and one insane one in college with a guy dealing with a barrage of mental issues. I'm alone. I'm lonely. I'm feeling so often that I'm alone, that no one will (or can) love me. What's the point in giving up PMO when everything else will be just as miserable?
BUT - is that just the withdrawing brain talking? Are these thoughts I'm feeling part of stepping out of all this nonsense? Can my life daresay improve?
Most of these issues (hyperhidrosis, depression, anxiety, etc.) started coming about at 14. I started watching porn at 12, experimented with it as early as 10. I didn't realize before finding this community what I've done to my own brain and how I've hurt my perception of the world.
I've got to keep going. This can only be temporary pain. I can love myself again. I can fall in love. I can find confidence, kick anxiety out, get back to my creative pursuits. I can I can I can I can I can.