freemenow
Member
I have been masturbating since 12, starting in March 2013 (used to think it was a few days before my birthday but i found new info from an account i had that says otherwise). I never masturbated without porn. It is now September 2015. I said I would quit on 24 December 2014. It has been 9 months, and now, if this streak shall be my last, i will achieve 90 at 366 days after the initial commitment.
My porn use escalated extremely quickly. In 2013 (i guess my brain somehow knew) I knew doing it too much might be bad, so i restricted myself to every few days. But once I saw how much hot stuff there was online, it collapsed within a matter of months and by January 2014 that whole rule was nonexistent. This year it has been off and on because I'm trying to quit, but I am still very bad. I have only made it to 7 days 3 times, and my longest streak is 12, ended by an extreme depressive episode (didn't read what my withdrawal symptoms would be.)
I feel like I'm walking on a lonely road without much determination, my new essentially unblock proof filters and willpower alone shall help me. I'm going through this journey while I'm still young, and before it's too late. I'm bad enough already in terms of the effects of porn on me.
I used to deny sexuality towards people, thinking any sexual thoughts towards people= pervert. I started using porn, because hey, it's not people! Bad, bad mistake. I'm at the point now where I can only get hard to porn, and real people give me no reaction whatsoever from my penis. PIED and PE as a result of porn. This gives me a real sense of inadequacy
I think I have HOCD. Please help me with this, it's killing me inside, and not because I would hate myself if I was gay, but because I don't know what I want. I started watching gay porn, and I thought I was gay. Which I would be fine with. However, i noticed, I masturbate to gay porn, and throw it away. When I watch porn, I look at the guys. Usually, they are a reflection of what I want to be appearance like, and I really masturbate to my own self image problems as I will talk about a few paragraphs down. When I look at guys and develop relationships with guys... it's just not there. All I feel is anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. I can think, hey, he's cute, and develop what I think are false attractions. I "got crushes" on guys and they fade within weeks or a month. Theres no sense of wanting to live with the person or kiss and the big one, not even have sex with them. It just comes and goes. I doubt my gay-ness due to this.
With girls however, I developed a crush on one before porn. I wanted to see her all the time, talk to her ALL THE TIME. We did talk all the time, and while it faded after like 2 years (strange, masturbating to gay porn but wanting to love this girl.), I felt a real desire to connect with her, and kiss and hug her ALL THE TIME. Real sappy stuff. But as I said earlier, I REFUSED to think of sex with a person, because thats bad and perverted, so I refused to think about sex to her and went on my merry way fapping to porn. I think I like girls because of this, but I haven't had a crush since. It's tearing me apart, there's no way i'm asexual, i get urges and boners to sexual thoughts about pornos! I need to rewire my brain. Any comments on this please? I need to know your opinion, emphasis on NEED.
I have no motivation to do or try anything, I just wanna sit at home fapping and sitting in my comfort zone. My biggest trigger is opening my front door after school. I need to quit, what can I do to help restrict myself? I am a 15 year old nerd who has never played sports or exercised in his life, and therefore is very weak. This plus the fact that I look 12 give me a feeling of inadequacy like no other, and all I do is get depressed over the fact that I look this way and that I'm so weak I can barely do anything. I've just started the gym a month ago, and do go every time, but I get so much anxiety from the other men in the gym, and the slamming of weights and atmosphere. I really have to push myself in there mentally as well as physically.
And finally, random irritability as most men have it. Annoying, but I can deal with it.
My self shame keeps bringing me back, but it's not like puberty and working out will instantly get rid of everything I shame and depress myself about. A change can't come overnight and help me out. What can I do to get rid of all this Please comment below?
And finally, thank you so much for listening to my woes and story.
My porn use escalated extremely quickly. In 2013 (i guess my brain somehow knew) I knew doing it too much might be bad, so i restricted myself to every few days. But once I saw how much hot stuff there was online, it collapsed within a matter of months and by January 2014 that whole rule was nonexistent. This year it has been off and on because I'm trying to quit, but I am still very bad. I have only made it to 7 days 3 times, and my longest streak is 12, ended by an extreme depressive episode (didn't read what my withdrawal symptoms would be.)
I feel like I'm walking on a lonely road without much determination, my new essentially unblock proof filters and willpower alone shall help me. I'm going through this journey while I'm still young, and before it's too late. I'm bad enough already in terms of the effects of porn on me.
I used to deny sexuality towards people, thinking any sexual thoughts towards people= pervert. I started using porn, because hey, it's not people! Bad, bad mistake. I'm at the point now where I can only get hard to porn, and real people give me no reaction whatsoever from my penis. PIED and PE as a result of porn. This gives me a real sense of inadequacy
I think I have HOCD. Please help me with this, it's killing me inside, and not because I would hate myself if I was gay, but because I don't know what I want. I started watching gay porn, and I thought I was gay. Which I would be fine with. However, i noticed, I masturbate to gay porn, and throw it away. When I watch porn, I look at the guys. Usually, they are a reflection of what I want to be appearance like, and I really masturbate to my own self image problems as I will talk about a few paragraphs down. When I look at guys and develop relationships with guys... it's just not there. All I feel is anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. I can think, hey, he's cute, and develop what I think are false attractions. I "got crushes" on guys and they fade within weeks or a month. Theres no sense of wanting to live with the person or kiss and the big one, not even have sex with them. It just comes and goes. I doubt my gay-ness due to this.
With girls however, I developed a crush on one before porn. I wanted to see her all the time, talk to her ALL THE TIME. We did talk all the time, and while it faded after like 2 years (strange, masturbating to gay porn but wanting to love this girl.), I felt a real desire to connect with her, and kiss and hug her ALL THE TIME. Real sappy stuff. But as I said earlier, I REFUSED to think of sex with a person, because thats bad and perverted, so I refused to think about sex to her and went on my merry way fapping to porn. I think I like girls because of this, but I haven't had a crush since. It's tearing me apart, there's no way i'm asexual, i get urges and boners to sexual thoughts about pornos! I need to rewire my brain. Any comments on this please? I need to know your opinion, emphasis on NEED.
I have no motivation to do or try anything, I just wanna sit at home fapping and sitting in my comfort zone. My biggest trigger is opening my front door after school. I need to quit, what can I do to help restrict myself? I am a 15 year old nerd who has never played sports or exercised in his life, and therefore is very weak. This plus the fact that I look 12 give me a feeling of inadequacy like no other, and all I do is get depressed over the fact that I look this way and that I'm so weak I can barely do anything. I've just started the gym a month ago, and do go every time, but I get so much anxiety from the other men in the gym, and the slamming of weights and atmosphere. I really have to push myself in there mentally as well as physically.
And finally, random irritability as most men have it. Annoying, but I can deal with it.
My self shame keeps bringing me back, but it's not like puberty and working out will instantly get rid of everything I shame and depress myself about. A change can't come overnight and help me out. What can I do to get rid of all this Please comment below?
And finally, thank you so much for listening to my woes and story.