SMS -

Hello to all,

I am 45, married to an amazing woman and have two wonderful children.

I am 93 days free from P&M, strong and vigilant - and not going back.  My wife has been supporting me in beating this addiction, but I am dealing with issue of PIED, and have had sporadic responses over the past couple months.  Anywhere from responding very well, to responding ok, responding and losing, and not responding at all.  I am generally more successful in the mornings, and nonexistant in the evening.  I have read much on this subject, but I trying to get some advice on how rebooting with a partner affects my overall rebooting and ultimately the amount of time to reboot.  To be honest, I sorta had 90 - 100 days pegged as a magic number, and that isnt going to work out.

Any others similar to my age, expericencing the same or been through something similar?

thanks - and praying for all of us to stay strong.

Welcome SMS.  You will find lots of support here.  It may take a couple days for others to read and respond to your post.  For now I would encourage you to read through the Journals.  You will see similar stories.  Again, welcome!

Welcome, SMS. You've found the right place for support and encouragement from others who share your struggles. If I read your post correctly, it sounds like you'd pegged 90-100 as the magic number to recover from PIED but are discovering that it's taking longer than you had hoped. Give it time, and don't let these arbitrary numbers haunt you. There really isn't any magic to it all. It just takes time, and how much time depends on the individual. Whatever you do, don't feel discouraged by your lack of progress and fall back into the old patterns of P and M. Make distancing yourself from P and M your lifelong goal, and stick to it. Best of luck to you, friend.

Thanks for the replies.

I will get through the other journals to see what I can find.  I guess it is the erratic nature of my responding that really has me puzzled.  I think either all or none would be easier to deal with.

And yes, I somehow pegged 90-100 days as a magic number. The question I have at this point is should I obstain from O in addition to P&M, and how would this affect my rebooting.

P&M are gone from my life - they no longer serve me. 

I look forward to hearing what others may have to offer.  For now, we must all stay strong, and stay vigilant.

savingmysoul said:

Thanks for the replies.

I will get through the other journals to see what I can find.  I guess it is the erratic nature of my responding that really has me puzzled.  I think either all or none would be easier to deal with.

And yes, I somehow pegged 90-100 days as a magic number. The question I have at this point is should I obstain from O in addition to P&M, and how would this affect my rebooting.

P&M are gone from my life - they no longer serve me. 

I look forward to hearing what others may have to offer.  For now, we must all stay strong, and stay vigilant.

Click to expand...

My issue's a little different. 55. Married. No PIED. I didn't P,M,O or have sexual intercourse with my wife for 7 months due to health, logistical reasons and my own fears of intimacy at the time, which seemed to help re-establish healthier intimate relations with my wife. Now, I no longer fantasize about other women which was common for me. We're not sexual often, but there's a growing loving bond happening with no obsessive preoccupation with having to orgasm when we are, and that feels nice. The goal is no longer the O, but to be making love whether the O happens or no.

Also, O can cause a chaser effect where there may be a craving for more O, kind of like wanting to O-binge, leading to desire to PMO. In the past, after having sex with my wife, I sometimes would immediately use PMO afterward, this was probably from the chase effect.

Stay strong.

I am 31 days no PMO so I am going to follow your journal with my much interest.  Working up the courage to begin again with the wife.  Porn, my self imagine and PIED has robbed us of any sexual relations or true intimacy for a very long time.  We tried once several months ago and I couldn't  That is when I fully admitted to myself that I had a problem that needed fixing.  I truly want to get the intimacy and bond reestablished.  Welcome.  I have been here a very short time but really value the wisdom that resides here.

Welcome SMS, enjoy your time on here and uncover things that I hope will fortify you in this journey. Three months is an incredible feat, you can unequivocally continue endlessly on that long-winded road that has no arrows pointing at p. With a loving wife and a little help from this community, you're never alone in this.

Be Well SMS

savingmysoul said:

Hello to all,

I am 45, married to an amazing woman and have two wonderful children.

I am 93 days free from P&M, strong and vigilant - and not going back.  My wife has been supporting me in beating this addiction, but I am dealing with issue of PIED, and have had sporadic responses over the past couple months.  Anywhere from responding very well, to responding ok, responding and losing, and not responding at all.  I am generally more successful in the mornings, and nonexistant in the evening.  I have read much on this subject, but I trying to get some advice on how rebooting with a partner affects my overall rebooting and ultimately the amount of time to reboot.  To be honest, I sorta had 90 - 100 days pegged as a magic number, and that isnt going to work out.

Any others similar to my age, expericencing the same or been through something similar?

thanks - and praying for all of us to stay strong.

Click to expand...

[size=12pt]Can certainly relate to your symptoms. I have luck in the morning with some stiffness but like you pointed out, it's sporadic. Me personally, not sure if 100 days of rebooting should be your target. I would just focus on rebooting and take it day by day. Some guys don't take as long and then there are those who take almost a year.
We always fear the unknown because like you, I want to desperately return to my normal sex drive form.
[size=12pt]We all have to be patient and judging from some of the success stories I've read, there's nothing more rewarding than a  full recovery.
The really good advantage you have is the support of your wife. Not an easy thing for a mate to come to grips with.

Thanks again to all for your replies.
It always is good to know that I am not alone.
Today day 97 - still strong and committed.  P&M no longer serve me.
It is true that this is a day to day process. 
I guess I am also trying to determine how much of my problem is PIED and how much is anxiety. 
Stay strong everyone.

Yet something else I can relate to;

Anxiety-

Still battling -
Staying strong and P & M free (98 days today).
We have decided to abstain this week - see if that helps.
My head and my heart very much want to be together with my wife, i just cant get the other parts working all the time.

Stay strong everyone!

Hi savingmysoul,

Just reading things here at your journal. Congrats on the 98 days free from P and M. I believe this is life changing in many ways. You wrote that you and your wife are abstaining this week. have you read about or considered non orgasm focused intimacy? I know that sounds weird , I did not grasp any of it at first. My wife and I now play with this non-O type of intimacy more now and find it very refreshing, it creates a wonderful non-goal type of physical bond.

Gary W of YBoP and his partner Marnia have written a lot on this type of intimacy at Marnia's site reuniting.info. She has written a book on it as well. There are many couple's that tell accounts of how this type of intimacy helped even with ED. There is info on positions that allow good connection even if not fully erect.

Stay well.

savingmysoul said:

Hello to all,

I am 45, married to an amazing woman and have two wonderful children.

I am 93 days free from P&M, strong and vigilant - and not going back.  My wife has been supporting me in beating this addiction, but I am dealing with issue of PIED, and have had sporadic responses over the past couple months.  Anywhere from responding very well, to responding ok, responding and losing, and not responding at all.  I am generally more successful in the mornings, and nonexistant in the evening.  I have read much on this subject, but I trying to get some advice on how rebooting with a partner affects my overall rebooting and ultimately the amount of time to reboot.  To be honest, I sorta had 90 - 100 days pegged as a magic number, and that isnt going to work out.

Any others similar to my age, expericencing the same or been through something similar?

thanks - and praying for all of us to stay strong.

Click to expand...

Hi SMS, Please Keep Journaling!

My husband is a couple of years older than you, but we've had similar results everything from firecrackers to fizzlers, also relapses. We also have two amazing kids. While every couple is different, it is very comforting for me as a wife/Reboot Partner to read the journals of others and learn.

My journal is over in the Women's forum. We have been on this path for over 6 months, experienced early success and endured a relapse/reconnect. There are balanced days and stumbling days, the secret I think is having a dependable spotter.

I hope you continue to share your story and grow in your own marriage.

SORP

savingmysoul said:

Hello to all,

I am 45, married to an amazing woman and have two wonderful children.

I am 93 days free from P&M, strong and vigilant - and not going back.  My wife has been supporting me in beating this addiction, but I am dealing with issue of PIED, and have had sporadic responses over the past couple months.  Anywhere from responding very well, to responding ok, responding and losing, and not responding at all.  I am generally more successful in the mornings, and nonexistant in the evening.  I have read much on this subject, but I trying to get some advice on how rebooting with a partner affects my overall rebooting and ultimately the amount of time to reboot.  To be honest, I sorta had 90 - 100 days pegged as a magic number, and that isnt going to work out.

Any others similar to my age, expericencing the same or been through something similar?

thanks - and praying for all of us to stay strong.

Click to expand...

Hi and welcome!

So your progress is sketchy. That is OK, most guys find it takes much longer than they thought in the beginning. 90 days is more like the beginning of recovery. Don't get hung up on a number, it just takes as long as it takes. Even if it is frustrating.

Personally I (42 y.o.) found it easier to just say "Ah, this is probably gonna take a year, so let's ignore the days". Am now half a year without porn and things have changed for the better a lot. And there is still more recovery to be had, at least regarding P.I.ED and EQ (erection quality).

What I found to be the bigger problem than "just" erections is low libido and sensitivity. If you have problems with them, recovery takes really long. There is progress, but it comes in small steps each month (not days, or weeks, but in months). But that is OK, because it is real progress, like things working now, that never worked before.

Time is on your side, but you have to adapt a strict no-porn lifestyle (for the rest of your life). I also recommend to completely stop MO during your reboot. I have adopted a mindset, that I can only have sexual release with my partner. Well, I am lucky, because she wants me a lot, so I hardly have any frustration coming from there. But it caused a very strong "rewiring" towards my partner, which improved our relationship and my bond with her a lot.

Having sex without orgasm for a longer time also helped me a lot. Orgasms reduce my libido in the time after it (used to be several days, it is now more like 12 hours ... more progress here), so you could say abstaining from orgasm with your partner can save your sexual energy, which helps with the reboot.

Don't worry, if your progress isn't linear and you still have days, where you are under-par. Btw I used ED-drugs in my reboot, since sex is important in my relationship and not performing for a very long time would have been a serious issue for me and my partner. It is a kind of "cheating" concerning the reboot and comes with risks (you can get dependent on the ED drugs, since having sex without them can cause ED from anxiety), but they really boosted my confidence and that helped my recovery a great deal. I am now successfully in the phase, where I can taper them off.

So that is just something to think about, if you want to weight a potentially better working sex-life (short term result) against a maybe "cleaner" reboot. If you strictly stay away from porn, both paths can lead you to sexual recovery imo.

Day # 104 with NO P or M!

Very committed to not returning to any of that as it no longer serves me.  I am not going back there - big statement I know, but there is nothing there for me.  When I think about all the time I have lost - lost time with my wife, lost time with my kids, my career.  Time I will never get back - simply gone.  All the stuff I needed to finish, still needs to be finished, more lost time.  I think of the money i have stolen from my family, all the things my wife said no to for one financial reason or another, all the dinners we didn't eat, all the trips, movies, home improvements, clothes, furniture, etc because it wasn't prudent - and then there i was at every opportunity getting my thrills for a price.  Did I really think I was owed this?

I think about who it was i allowed myself to become.  I think about just how big of a useless piece of crap I became.  I struggle in being honest with my wife - about the stupidest minor details.  I have not gone back in 104 days - no itention to.  But i still struggle to surpress the urge to blurt lies about the past.  I cannot stifle the voice of the 8 year old, seemingly unable to grow up. 

P for me is over - and along that struggle, i have other more pressing issues to address.  Being a man, a husband, a father.  Someone others can be proud of, not because of what they see me do, but because of what they dont see me do (or not do)!  This only happens with honesty, the truth.  The bitterist truth....

I am spending alot of time with my wife cooking - a creative outlet that allows me to in some small part help and give back to the family.  I have seen a change in the way i approach weekends.  Instead of longing for or looking forward to selfish activities (computer games, TV, etc.) if I have experienced the longing for cooking with my wife that night, dinner out that night, whatever it is - but we are together.  I go up at night with my wife, we wake up together, we talk (my communication skills are also under repair), we cuddle, we kiss, we see what happens. 

I know what I need to do, simpy put - I just need to do it.  But more than that - I want to do it.

Hi savingmysoul,

Brother, your words rang so true. Such wonderful and bittersweet truth! I feel as though your words could be mine. I don't want to take away your personal feelings they are your words and I love and respect that. You have been courageous in facing this. I have much admiration for you.

Going up to bed the same time as my wife at night was a huge breakthrough that began a couple of years ago for me. Alas, I should have seen my relapse last August happening when I began going to bed a bit later than her.

Hold fast to all that you cherish and love!

SMS,
    You're going great from the sounds of it.  I learned some interesting things about testosterone the other day:  It is diurnal!  You're at your highest T levels early in the morning then, depending on metabolism and a bunch of other stuff, it decreases at varying rates until the next AM.  That could help explain the success I the AMs as opposed to other times.  (Since this is a fact, why the heck does my wife want to fool around at bedtime?!?!? :-\) 
    I'm going to keep your bedtime / get up time strategy in mind.  I find I generally do this and it really limits the chances of me finding the opportunity to stray.  I never really thought about it before until you pointed it out!  Thanks.  Now I have another tool in my repertoire.
    I too am cleaning up my act with my wife's support.  For the first couple weeks she was very supportive and willing to engage in relations to help me keep my mind off "things".  Since then things have gone back to their typical where she doesn't really want sex all that often.  (Being in Grad school full time doesn't help.  The poor girl is really busy!)  I have my good days and bad days.  More good than bad though.  I'm hoping to get up to the triple digits like you!  I'll be reading and following your progress with great interest.

Still strong - no P or M

Had a pretty good weekend with my wife - had a couple of solid connections.  Not thinking I am out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination, woke up yesterday and tried to be with her, started out very solid, but fizzled fairly quickly.  I am under no circumstances thinking that I am through my reboot - but this setback has pretty much torched any good feelings I had about some small steps.  I am soo pissed that I let myself do this to myself, my wife.  Plenty of self-loathing - maybe not a bad thing, it keeps the demons away.  Worried about depression.  I know my wife was disappointed, sorta thinking along the same lines as I was - but I know it is completely different for her.  I will never know the depths, the horror, the disappointment that she is shouldering because of my sins.  As supportive as she has been, me not making it easy - sucks. 

Day 106, but such a hollow victory.  What SO really cares what day it is - shouldnt be a count at all. 

Stay strong all,

I want to offer encouragement. I see what your saying about a hollow victory. And what SO really cares about our days clean when we should not have been using in the first place...

The big thing here for a good recovery is that you are walking the walk! You are doing your best each day. There is no other way and I'm sure you really know this.

I hear you in the regret department, unfortunately that regret can be our undoing, if we let it consume us. It can also be an ally in that we don't want to feel this ever again.

You're doing very well, my first few attempts were not as strong as yours. Pat on the back!!

Hard to see your latest victories as "hollow" my friend.  I'm sure there's a lot of frustration, and I would never downplay what you're going through emotionally.  Just know there are a lot of folks who are very encouraged by your progress, even if it's not going exactly as you would like.  Stay the course and keep on keeping on!