New to this as of 6/24

Hello My name is Gotti

I realized that I am addicted to sex/porn. I have been watching porn since I was 13 years old but never had any issues with woman ( at least I don't think I did). I married the girl of my dreams and sexually she was the greatest thing that happened to me and I got addicted to her, I needed to have it all the time and when she could no longer keep up with my demands I dove deeper into porn. At first I thought at least I am not cheating and that I don't want to start a fight over sex so I will go down to the basement and rub one out. This is essentially how it was for a few years but then the one rub out became  two or three, instead of going down to the basement I would do it in my room with the iPad, at first by myself and then right next to my wife if she denied me sex. At some point, I started recording myself making love to my wife and watching it. I justified it as "at least I am watching my wife" after some time me and my wife just could not connect sexually on occasion I don't think I ever suffered any ED because I could always could go when ever she needed it and I became obsessed with making my wife squirt which I believed I picked that up from watching porn. As many of you know marriage is not easy and at times you fuss with your wife but over the years my wife started using sex as a weapon as a form of control over me. When things got bad we would not have sex for months, last year we did not have sex at all. This drove me deeper into porn and almost into deviant acts like considering looking for other women. I never did connect with other women because morally I am married and I am insanely in love with my wife. I notice my friends talk about their wives and it's like that don't even enjoy having sex with them. With me it's opposite, my wife is the greatest lover ever and there is no need to look elsewhere. At one point i believed sex was my love language  and if someone cared for me they would express it through sex, I still believe that and I realize now that may be the problem. My wife is now withholding sex and now we are potentially divorcing (the porn was not the major issue to the marriage but I believe it may have sparked some behaviors that impacted the marriage)....but I'm here because I need encouragement as now more than ever I want to fire up that iMac and relieve  my stress away...I have not watched porn all day today( well when i deleted the bookmarks from my browsers I did briefly look at one or two but I did not FAP)....So this is my first step into the rest of my life.....my goal is to control it...no more procrastinating because i need to get my morning fix of the right porn scene, no more being late to events because I was delayed getting ready looking for the perfect girl in  the right sexual position like my wife normally was...no more laziness due to me sitting around trying to get instant gratification....But it will be hard because I am a freak and I love freaky sex and Porn was my guarantee that I could find it if I could not find a partner just as freaky as me for the night. Pray for me

Welcome in, Gotti. Congratulations on taking your first step. I wish you every success. I'm not here to hand out advice to anybody as my success has been inconsistent at best. But many people find that putting "first level barriers" between themselves and porn helps them get through the first days, while they get some perspective and start thinking about the "second level changes" they need to make to their own beliefs and actions. That iPad sounds like a loaded gun pointed at your own head, my friend. Any way you can separate yourself from it for the next few days at least? Maybe porn blockers on your other tech, so that it forces a pause between your "inner chimp" whispering that it's "OK to have one more look... just to prove you're over it" and your logical brain convincing you that's the last thing in the world you should do? Just got to find the ways to buy yourself time to make better decisions. Wishing you strength today.

6/26 day 3 progress


I have not done anything since my first journal entry ( no rapping, no watching porn), I have peeked at a porn site but did not watch video, ( I did this while deleting my bookmarks and saved sites.) I get urges for sex and unfortunately being in the position I am in ( going through a divorce with my ex wife still living with me ) it  makes it tough. If i were single I could just have go out and have sex with women but I am in a weird space were I can't do that since I am technically married and want to honestly say I did everything to honor my marriage. My ex is hot too so its just rough. But I will make it through and will learn a lot about myself. I try to stay busy, started working out every morning and reading the bible. I noticed women seem extra attractive every where i go and I also noticed there is a lot of sexual innuendo in music, movies, advertising etc.....Good have mercy on the next person I have sex with. But for now just trying to make it through the day

Day4


has been a bit of a struggle not sure if I am struggling because of a lack of sex or an urge for porn. I have ben fighting but this is getting tougher. I need SEX and this is the longest I have ever gone with some sort of pleasure ( with a person or with by myself),  I don't have issues with getting women never have, in fact when I am not looking is when I get the most attention. So this is a mental struggle because I know I could end this but..... My mind is hazy with the pending divorce, covid, issues of the world. It seems like the world is falling a part and the last think I ever thought I would be thinking about constantly is sex. I just keep busy

Day 5


Epic fail, I did not watch porn and FAP but I did FAP to a sex tape me and my wife made years ago. Is it still considered porn if you and your wife are the stars in the tape. It was just too much pressure and too much going on in my personal life. My marriage is ending, its COVID, I have not had sex in months, its all a recipe for disaster. I will re start tomorrow my journey of no-orb or fapping

How is the restart going?  Keep at it!