About Me: I am 42 Year Old Indian Male who work in USA as Software Professional. I never thought till year 2018 that I am addicted to Porn as I was under impression that pornography has no negative impacts on my life but when i see now in retrospection than I do see many many Negatives in my life which could have been avoided If i would have saved myself from Porn.
The first time I have seen Nude pics was in 1992 and I was quite intrigued by Female Body, India is a closed society in terms of sex so the nude pictures fascinated me greatly, The pics were mostly of white Girls and India is a country of people with mix colors but predominantly the people are Brown. Many Indian males also see Indian Females which are Fair in Color as a Price win so when i had seen Nude Pics of White Girls then Probably my mind thought that this is what you want in life. I do not remember exactly how i started Masturbation but most probably, I was inspired again my the magazines and tried that and felt very good on ejaculation. Till Year 1993, I was a Hard working Chap who was in sports, studies and was doing good in almost everything but I can clearly see now that my life became mediocre after 1993, Many of my friends did very well in career and I was a failure in my studies. I thought of doing engineering inspired by many of my friends. As, I was from poor financial background so i somehow felt that only way to come out of poverty is by studying but still I was failing in my studies as was masturbating regularly by my own imaginations with limited supply of magazines with pics of nude girls having sex.
I took extra 3 years to even start my engineering as had no clarity and was just wasting my time and energy. When i got admission in engineering then It was more free supply of nude magazines in college hostel and then adult movies. I passed with just OK Grades but could have done much better in my studies if i had not wasted my time in porn. I never focused much on having an actual Girl friend as I was quite Happy in watching porn as that was the main source of enjoyment for me. when i passed my engineering in early 2000's then there was no High speed internet in India but Porn CD's/DVD's were easily available. I got my first job as software professional in a manufacturing company with free access to computers and It was like free access to watch as much porn as possible and It was not me but many other people who were watching porn. Though, I was young but even guys who were 10-15 years older than me also watched porn in lunch breaks or during evenings. I many times stayed late in office after work to watch porn stored in my office computer.
After that, I bought my own personal computer and then started watching porn daily and it became a routine that I will watch porn, masturbate and then sleep, I slowly programmed myself in making porn and masturbation as sleep inducers. Though, I was working in my job and used to work quite OK in office but was never full of vigor and life energy. Though, I did not noticed but I was very short tempered and could easily fight with anyone or my parents. This cycle continued for another 8-9 years with ups and downs in my career but i never thought that i am messing up my life because of porn.
In between this time, I also became quite spiritual without having much clarity about spirituality. I was a confused guy and was kinda asking questions to everyone about what is in my mind. People stopped taking me seriously but i self justified that as I am very intelligent so these people avoid me as they do not have answers to my questions.
I got married in 2012, My wife (Now Ex Wife) was overall a wonderful person and she expected her Husband to be loving and caring and I also loved my wife and cared a lot for her. My porn consumption reduced but did not stopped. In year 2012, internet speed in India was good but was not great for Live streaming of porn but I had a Hard Disk with 300 GB of Pornographic material. I was aware about porn websites but was not a regular visitor to porn sites as i had my own porn collection in Hard Disk Drive. This was the time when major turmoil happened in my life. My wife was emotional and I was impulsive, Reactive and even reacted in situations which could have been avoided. I am now quite sure that my emotional reactions and poor judgement were because of my porn addiction. This whole period was trauma for me and my wife but i did not stopped watching porn. In year 2014, Fast Internet streaming came to India with cheap internet connection and i used that fully in watching porn. My wife initiated Divorce and took Divorce from me. The only thing where I can say that I was saved that i was never involved in sex with prostitutes or escorts and I was only glued to computer screens for watching porn.
In year 2018, I felt that Porn is impacting my life severely and I thought of leaving porn but I was not able to control even for few days in avoiding porn. I tried first time in my life for PMO in April 2019 and was successful for about a month but failed. I kept on trying with small successes in between of 20, 30 days.
Today, On 17-June-2020, I am at Day 4 without Masturbation. I had severe insomnia on 15-June-2020 and watched porn without masturbation. I again watched on 16-June-2020 during day time but did not masturbated. I will not reset my counter but will ensure that i do not watch porn nor masturbate from today onward. I suffer from depression sometimes because of my divorce but want to make my life better. I have written this long post in anticipation that I may get some accountability partner and i can become successful in leaving Porn and Masturbation.
The first time I have seen Nude pics was in 1992 and I was quite intrigued by Female Body, India is a closed society in terms of sex so the nude pictures fascinated me greatly, The pics were mostly of white Girls and India is a country of people with mix colors but predominantly the people are Brown. Many Indian males also see Indian Females which are Fair in Color as a Price win so when i had seen Nude Pics of White Girls then Probably my mind thought that this is what you want in life. I do not remember exactly how i started Masturbation but most probably, I was inspired again my the magazines and tried that and felt very good on ejaculation. Till Year 1993, I was a Hard working Chap who was in sports, studies and was doing good in almost everything but I can clearly see now that my life became mediocre after 1993, Many of my friends did very well in career and I was a failure in my studies. I thought of doing engineering inspired by many of my friends. As, I was from poor financial background so i somehow felt that only way to come out of poverty is by studying but still I was failing in my studies as was masturbating regularly by my own imaginations with limited supply of magazines with pics of nude girls having sex.
I took extra 3 years to even start my engineering as had no clarity and was just wasting my time and energy. When i got admission in engineering then It was more free supply of nude magazines in college hostel and then adult movies. I passed with just OK Grades but could have done much better in my studies if i had not wasted my time in porn. I never focused much on having an actual Girl friend as I was quite Happy in watching porn as that was the main source of enjoyment for me. when i passed my engineering in early 2000's then there was no High speed internet in India but Porn CD's/DVD's were easily available. I got my first job as software professional in a manufacturing company with free access to computers and It was like free access to watch as much porn as possible and It was not me but many other people who were watching porn. Though, I was young but even guys who were 10-15 years older than me also watched porn in lunch breaks or during evenings. I many times stayed late in office after work to watch porn stored in my office computer.
After that, I bought my own personal computer and then started watching porn daily and it became a routine that I will watch porn, masturbate and then sleep, I slowly programmed myself in making porn and masturbation as sleep inducers. Though, I was working in my job and used to work quite OK in office but was never full of vigor and life energy. Though, I did not noticed but I was very short tempered and could easily fight with anyone or my parents. This cycle continued for another 8-9 years with ups and downs in my career but i never thought that i am messing up my life because of porn.
In between this time, I also became quite spiritual without having much clarity about spirituality. I was a confused guy and was kinda asking questions to everyone about what is in my mind. People stopped taking me seriously but i self justified that as I am very intelligent so these people avoid me as they do not have answers to my questions.
I got married in 2012, My wife (Now Ex Wife) was overall a wonderful person and she expected her Husband to be loving and caring and I also loved my wife and cared a lot for her. My porn consumption reduced but did not stopped. In year 2012, internet speed in India was good but was not great for Live streaming of porn but I had a Hard Disk with 300 GB of Pornographic material. I was aware about porn websites but was not a regular visitor to porn sites as i had my own porn collection in Hard Disk Drive. This was the time when major turmoil happened in my life. My wife was emotional and I was impulsive, Reactive and even reacted in situations which could have been avoided. I am now quite sure that my emotional reactions and poor judgement were because of my porn addiction. This whole period was trauma for me and my wife but i did not stopped watching porn. In year 2014, Fast Internet streaming came to India with cheap internet connection and i used that fully in watching porn. My wife initiated Divorce and took Divorce from me. The only thing where I can say that I was saved that i was never involved in sex with prostitutes or escorts and I was only glued to computer screens for watching porn.
In year 2018, I felt that Porn is impacting my life severely and I thought of leaving porn but I was not able to control even for few days in avoiding porn. I tried first time in my life for PMO in April 2019 and was successful for about a month but failed. I kept on trying with small successes in between of 20, 30 days.
Today, On 17-June-2020, I am at Day 4 without Masturbation. I had severe insomnia on 15-June-2020 and watched porn without masturbation. I again watched on 16-June-2020 during day time but did not masturbated. I will not reset my counter but will ensure that i do not watch porn nor masturbate from today onward. I suffer from depression sometimes because of my divorce but want to make my life better. I have written this long post in anticipation that I may get some accountability partner and i can become successful in leaving Porn and Masturbation.
