Today I am the proud owner of no porn

Hello everyone!
(scroll to bottom for tl;dr)
Day 1, May 3, 2020. I want to acknowledge that I have a porn addiction. My porn addiction has been a major contributor to a life full of regrets. It's not the only problem I have, it's just the one that is staring me in the face right now and sucks up a lot of time and energy that could be used for productive purposes. Let's say it pays negative dividends over a lifetime if you let it. I did. I went down the addiction path many, many years ago at 13 yo when I discovered naked women in a magazine my older brother hid under the seat of his VW. Being socially awkward, fearful of rejection and unable to approach women, pornography became my sexual replacement over time. I had no idea I was harming myself, I thought I'd found the solution. But it made it more difficult to connect socially and emotionally and it became a deep secret and a double life. Pornography became the object of my pursuit, not fulfilling real human interaction. But now I know and there is no excuse not facing that head on. I also recognize that there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating to pornography and the quest for porn became the consuming activity and my real addiction. And I was searching for something that isn't attainable thru pornography. I became a hamster on a wheel. Well at least that's more productive than porn, but you get the visual.

Right now I am severely depressed and my desire for porn is diminished to the point it is easier to deal with. Hey, when life gives you a pile of shit, use it for fertilizer. I am in counseling and seeking help. Also considering telling my therapist about the addiction, but shame is the barrier. I want to fight the impulse driven existence and get on a positive, goal oriented track and away from a cycle of shame, guilt,  despair and utter futility. As I said, there are other problems facing me, but this problem is like a huge sucking black hole and a huge waste of productivity. This is actually a familiar place. A few years ago I deleted a mountain of porn and was porn free for months. Until I got back on my feet and fell back into a familiar pattern that escalated predictably, while I ignored it's damage. So will this time be different? Well I quit smoking a few years back, after several attempts, and success came after I recognized how easy it is to relapse by allowing yourself one indulgence here and there until the chemical builds up and takes hold again. I finally came to recognize cigarette's not for the comfort I had always sought from it, but a deadly stalker that was trying to literally kill me. I now recognize porn in a similar regard instead of a harmless pastime or entertainment. We'll see what I've learned.

I recently watched a youtube video that discussed the dopamine response/effect of repetitive activities like web and social media surfing. It didn't mention porn but Same thing, but different. I have to come up with other activities to fill my boring, unproductive life. I get triggered to surf when I have nothing to do. I have a reading list (Atomic Habits by James Clear is 1st on the list) to get through and I'm looking for some projects to occupy me. I am also unemployed and was underemployed before the virus locked everything up. Self esteem issues and an aging resume have dimmed job prospects. I literally have spent all day hunting down porn. Looking for missing scenes of a favorite, discovering a new "talent" was a daily activity that I am ashamed to have wasted so much time that could have been spent on actual productive pursuits that could improve my life and prospects for real positive change. I don?t really have an issue with masturbation, it is the porn surfing, but I will try the reboot and refrain from all sexual activity and clear my mind. I know my focus today feels different and my resolve seems stronger and my motivation is high despite the depression. So today is a good day to begin, again.

I would love some feedback on bringing this up in my therapy. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience on breaking through this barrier?; in-person groups, since isolation is a big factor for me. There is a great deal of shame I feel in admitting this to anyone I know. I will probably need an accountability partner since I don?t have one in real life.

So far, here is how I?ve been accountable to myself. I've finished cleaning 5-6TB of porn from my hard drive(s) as the first step yesterday and today. I had it mixed in with non-porn that I wanted to keep so I used the file explorer list view and sorted by folders so not to be tempted with thumbnails of files. Just a suggestion for anyone else cleaning house. I have deleted the saved passwords from the sites I used and cleared all search and browsing history from my google account. I am now the proud owner of no porn. Wish me luck! Thanks a million for reading my story.

Reboot

• Did I use porn today? NO, unless you count deleting it
• What were my triggers? n/a
• How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, starting/trying meditation
• What am I grateful for today? discovered a strong desire to change
• Day counter! 0.5
  

tl;dr
My first day in my quest to be porn and addiction free. Started with magazines pre-internet and grew into a monster collector with the advent of the internet and especially broadband - porn thru a fire hose. I have a confidence right now that I'm sure will be tested and I will be back to ask for help and guidance to you that have been there. I'm in therapy for depression, much of it I realize now was caused by my porn addiction. The good news is I'm so low that even porn sucks for me now. Yeah that low. This is still tl. Bye for now!

I dont have experience with bringing up porn to therapy session but I think that would be good thing to try. I just dont know how understanding they would be though. Would they take it seriously or silly.

What is your reading list?

I don't doubt being taking seriously or them being understanding. I guess there is some trust to rely on. I am more ashamed to admit it. But this is why I am in therapy. I guess I'm wondering how others break thru these kinds of sub-issues.

Here's the short list that is closer to the subject matter. I welcome suggestions:

Atomic Habits - James Clear
How to change your mind - Micael Polin
The power of now - Tolle

Hi RFUN and welcome to the forum,
I enjoyed reading your journal - it's always great to get a good introduction from someone new, and I think it helps everyone develop a good dialogue. Thanks for sharing it.
You ask a couple of questions, so here are my views:
1) Will this time be different? I think it will. You seem to have the advantage of being self reflective, noticing why things didn't work last time around (be that porn or smoking). This self learning ability is not massively common in people. Those that have it, and combine it with a desire to change can make big shifts in their life. I believe you will succeed BUT - success shouldn't be defined as never failing again, rather having a determination to minimise the failures and learn from each one, thereby growing stronger and more competent in your journey with the time between trips lengthening to the point that they no longer happen.
2) Should you bring porn addiction into your therapy? I think the question here is what do you want to achieve by that? If it is something about being open for the sake of it, then go ahead. If it is to gain real deep understanding, empathy, and practical support, then I think you'll be better off channelling your attention here - look around, read the journals of other guys, find someone or a range of people you connect with and interact with them - frequently and reciprocally. I have just hit 30 days today for only the second time in my life. The difference has been being here and active. It's reduced my shame, boosted my self esteem, and given me a real sense of connection (along with plenty of practical advice and tips)
3) Reading - the James clear book is a good one. I read it last month and it's full of actionable advice around building strong long lasting beneficial habits. There is another book that I can very strongly recommend, particularly given what you've shared around depression. It's the single most helpful book I've ever read - Stop Thinking, Start Living by Richard Carlson

Some other thoughts : A) Really invest time in understanding your triggers. Mine are boredom, loneliness, hangover, sometimes even success (self reward). I made a significant breakthrough recently when I realised that whenever I have an argument with my wife, or felt rejected by her in some way, I relapsed. Because of that new awareness - I can head off a relapse before it creeps up on me. Shining a light on the triggers removes their power. B) cultivating your meditation practice will really help you in this journey - it heightens your ability to 'see' your thought patterns, moods, and to avoid responding to them in either a judgemental way, or letting them dictate your actions. C) Come here often (I'm here daily), post regularly, interact with others, share, encourage, learn, grow.

Best of luck and I look forward to staying in touch.

Thanks UKguy for such a thoughtful response. I think I read one of your post recommending porn free radio and I bookmardked it for a listen. Any specific episodes that stick out you can recommend? I took a look at the book you recommended and you're right. I'll add that one to the list. My negative thought bubbles are following me everywhere. As you advised, I will look at my triggers. Boredom is a big one but it's more complicated. I have been dopamined into everything is boring so I end up bored with nothing to do because everything is boring. It's like I was being funneled back to porn or mindless internet surfing, the least amount of effort for the maximum dope. I just need some time to adjust as I've only been off for a couple of days. The porn is gone and the temptation is low for the moment. When I realized what I was doing physiologically I was determined to change and stop feeding the beast that I created in myself with the mindless and unsatisfying behavior. I honestly didn't recognize it for the monster it was in my life. I am trying to be more active and not sitting around waiting for a bolt of inspiration. I've made a list of productive things to do and will go back to that and add to it. If I find myself sitting around with nothing to do I'll go to the list and find something. Even if it's journaling.

Thanks again for responding. Your insights are much appreciated.

Have a look at this link for the best episodes of porn free radio to start with:

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=18363.0

Cheers for now.

Hello!
Day 3 and no relapse. My temptation is low but I don't expect everyday to be easy. I am waking up with an erection the past couple of days along with sexual mental images. I don't focus on it and it isn't a challenge yet to turn off the fantasies in my head. But it is kind of funny that my mind is already trying to trick me with mental fantasy P. I am committing to no M. The P surfing isn't a temptation yet. I found some on my other computer and quickly deleted it. It's funny how I was ready to buy another 4TB external hard drive just a week ago. But now I have 2 empty extHD's an can probably get by with a 16gb thumbdrive now.
Still feeling stronger than the temptations. I think I can recognize if that shifts. If the urges get stronger, I will seek out physical distraction is my plan. Even if it is cleaning the house and doing chores. I'm convinced lowering the dopamine cravings by menial task is a good strategy. I did browse a P2P site for movies and right below the movie category is the P. I wasn't tempted to click on but I can't help but notice it there.
I was decreasing my M activity before I quit the P. The P was cold turkey a few days ago. It was the bigger problem. It was the catalyst for the M and the key to stopping the insanely unproductive loop. I think after watching this video, on dopamine detox, it dawned on me what I had been doing. I think I was aware of it, but I was in a place where I was seeking real change and have been for a while, but I couldn't formulate a plan of action. After I realize how harmful, unfulfilling, and wasteful it was it clicked. This is the change I can do right now. The victory of recognition cannot be minimized and must be celebrated as key battle #1.

I started chronically my porn addiction and I don't know that I will share it here, however, it has shown me the amount of wasted time and opportunities that it represents. Recognizing it for the destructive activity that it is makes it easier to put in the right pile. Not recycling but incinerator. Destroy it or it will destroy you. I can't see how it could be considered a recreation or a pastime anymore than I would consider smoking cigarettes part of a healthy workout.  After I quit smoking trying a puff of a cigarette tasted and smelled awful. I hope I can have a similar distasteful reaction to P someday. My work is just beginning, and I have hope for the first time in a long time that I have begun a new positive phase in my life.

Should I post this video, on dopamine detox, somewhere for the entire board? Since I am a newb I don't know what is considered common knowledge and or redundant. This video has over 5 million views since Feb 24th and shows the dopamine connection to our problem pretty clearly. So it helped turn on the light bulb for me an I hope it may help others. Please feel free to repost if you think it will be useful, and please give feedback if it was helpful or not.

Have an awesome day everyone, Cheers!

Did I use porn today? NO
What were my triggers? n/a
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, starting/trying meditation, writing
What am I grateful for today? continued resolve
Day counter! 2.5

Hello everyone!
Day 5'ish and all is well. I'll keep this short but I am feeling an immensely positive result from this short time as a porn-free man. I am opening up to people close to me in ways I haven't done in a while. I hope I can articulate the reason.

Since giving up porn I don't feel like hiding. Not hiding to look for it, not hiding to use it. Not hiding it in my other life as some kind of sexual deviant. That may sound harsh, but in my mind what I was doing was worth hiding for a reason. It was out of control; it wasn't something I could share with anyone. It is a shamed based pastime, activity.

So the liberation has caused me to look at all the people I've pushed away so I could pursue my other life. It's sad that I did it and I may have lost some for good. But I am now willing to reach out to fill my time with real people and not the other hidden life.

Be well everyone and be FREE!!!!


Did I use porn today? NO
What were my triggers? n/a
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, starting/trying meditation, writing, socializing
What am I grateful for today? continued resolve and new insight
Day counter! 5

These are really wise words RFUN and I can relate 100%. There is a known psychological phenomenon known as cognitive dissonance which I believe many porn users (myself included) do or  have suffered from. Enjoy being free from it! Well done so far.

UKGuy said:

Enjoy being free from it!

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Definitely. I think I went to the point of pushing people away to create the space and isolation needed to pursue my secret pastime. They become angry and more distant and the isolation is the perfect environment for an unhealthy pattern of addiction to thrive and get reinforced.

I agree - I realised that at times I was creating ?private time? to spend PMOimg when my fantastic wife and kids were being ignored. If they interfered with my plans and I was already ?in the zone? it would bring out frustration and even anger in me. That is a humbling and at the time shameful realisation. What a disgraceful waste! So glad to be free of it and well on my way to being the best version of myself - including husband and a father, that I can be.

Hi Real and UK, This is indeed worthy company. First welcome and congrats on admitting all that stuff to yourself (for me that was the breakthrough.) Now I'm stuck in the grind/roller coaster. 
I started out w/ Pboy too. (I'm 60) I lost so much to porn that it would take an external hard drive to write it. (It would depress me a lot.) 
Speaking of that, it's hard to tell how bad your depression is. In some ways you seem optimistic and making healthy choices. So, I'm trying to watch my words here. Depression has whacked me and plenty of loved ones.
So, if your depression is severe, then you definitely should go to a therapist. Luckily it's not like when we were growing up. You had to be "crazy" to go see a "shrink."  It was a huge stigma. Now there's no stigma at all. Heck, it's more of an investment in mental health.

We both got lucky to have UK deign us worthy of his presence. hahaha But seriously, he has been more than a mentor for me in this sometimes horrific journey. (He actually is caring and has half a brain to boot. lol) Just yesterday he helped lift me out of a tailspin I was in (edging daily.) 

You have the right instinct re doing positive activities. That was huge for me. It helps you create good habits and reap those benefits. And it keeps you from getting bored and turning to porn as a knee-jerk reaction. The same thing goes w/ all the reading- good on you.
Keep it up.
 

Week 1. Made it through and it feels really good. It will require a lot more time to validate the transformation but I am not having any major problems. Morning wood and waking up to dream fantasies that I've been able to turn off and not dwell on. During the day I get some flashbacks that are probably triggered when I am on sites that have P, but I haven't been tempted to check it out. That's the extent of the possible temptations. I just wanted to do a quick check-in to give a thumbs up on my progress. Lately I have been doing good keeping busy with other activities. Some mundane to occupy my time and others part of the rebuilding. I am looking for a bike to get back into cycling. Getting out of the house will also be a good thing all around. Looking forward to being porn-free as the new normal forever.

Cheers everyone! Stay strong.

Hey Pal,  Good work on getting this far.  A bit of non-porn advice- when you get the bike lock it up good.  My buddy just got his ripped off.

So I am still holding strong here on day 9, 1 week + 2 days. Yesterday I did feel a little anxious because I came across some left over porn and it kind of scared me. Not because of the content, it was as tame as it gets, but because I had a real sense of fear that it could hurt me. It felt like some kind of monster I was afraid to looked at. It was online and on an image site that you can put all kinds of pictures on, and I was there to post pictures but non porn pictures. But in my account there was some residual stuff that I deleted as quickly as I could, but I fear looking at it directly. I couldn't find a way to delete all of it by folder and had to click on each one individually to delete it and it was hard not to see the images. I guess I shouldn't be surprise by my reaction. It is really dangerous stuff. For me.
Does anyone have any experience of overcoming the fear? Is it a fear of relapsing or am I developing a phobia to porn? Can you ever expect to look at an image of a naked body and not trigger memories of the porn lifestyle you once "enjoyed"?
I've thought about why it was hard for me to give up using and I have to admit my interest is probably different to many, but similar. I was a curator of porn. It was stored on my hard drive in the terrabytes and over time felt like it was valuable. Before I came to a clear understanding of the harm it caused me, it would have been unthinkable to delete it. It was worth something, and had taken so much time and effort to obtain. I was active on a few of the older sites that hadn't been shut down for copyright infringement or the admins folded because it was too expensive to run. There's no advertising, it's all community supported. I was a significant contributor, knowledge wise not content, about genres, performers and could suggest just what someone was looking for. I'm sure I will be missed and I never said a formal goodbye. I should have posted a warning but it's better to just log off, delete the account and never look back.
I hope this was useful and not a trigger for anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone's recovery, so please let me know if I need to use PMO rules for descriptions. I would be more than happy to change key words if it is recommended.

Thank you for reading and contributing your comments. It is much appreciated.

Hey man,
Re your last post, I didn't find it triggering. You did so well going through that torturous process of slowly deleting everything. That horrible fear you felt is totally natural and temporary. For one thing, you've been so close to porn, it's like an old friend. This trauma is like shooting an 'old friend' in the heart, and it's looking you in the face. Or... I remember being a good few weeks into a good streak, then something really triggering popped up on my screen, stuff I used to watch basically. My brain was rebooting, I'd trained it to realize that porn was bad, so to see it, the 'evil' of it, but also it was alluring, tempting and pulling me... it was like a baseball bat to the head. I got through it without relapsing - it was one of my biggest victories on this journey.

And yes, with a reboot, you can totally see women or even (accidentally) a porn clip without flipping out. All the science is out there.

I see someone recommended porn-free-radio. There's a lot of stuff there about how shame helps the addiction. by being open, you make it less powerful. Hopefully it will inspire you. I tried therapy but was too ashamed to mention porn, which was so dumb, because it was directly causing my depression, was sapping my relationships, joy, energy... and I was talking about everything *except* porn. Some therapists don't know about the effects of porn and might think it harmless, so be careful of that. Another option - what I did, I found a YouTuber who offered nofap-coaching. He was good, it was expensive, it was over zoom. He's not taking clients at the moment cos Covid has affected his life, but it might be good to look for someone who has nofap as their speciality (including the porn-free-radio guy, I guess)

Hiya Real,  I'm happy you're making progress. Your positive attitude is contagious.
When you were talking re your time/energy invested in your porn cache you made me think of the opposite side.
(These aren't my great original ideas, I'm a plagiarizer.)
Women carry around babies for 9 mos and go through a painful birthing.  Why?  Aside from the obvious, they care a lot/bond with the children. We all care about what we put time/energy into. (work, puppy dogs, our health...)
I used that intensely at the beginning of this journey. I read/watched a ton. I'm investing time here on this journal.
Psychologically, this process/community is starting to get precious.
If I saw one tedx and said, "oh yeah, porn is bad, it's damaging my life, I need to stop." That wouldn't be strong enough for me.
If I carry this unwelcome/unwieldy burden around for 9 mos. I doubt I'll throw it into the gutter.
Bottom line-- Dump lots of time into this site!

cont.  So Mr. Real,  Here's the bad and good news. When you see a post by me and think, accurately, oh here we have some of the usual drivel by Mr. S, you will be well-advised to slog through it b/c it will make you value your own recovery that much more.
So everyone should know that my postings, no matter how dumb and boring, are on some level beneficial. hahaha
Today is day 6 totally clean for me.

mr.slurps said:

So everyone should know that my postings, no matter how dumb and boring, are on some level beneficial. hahaha

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It's good to have you along for the journey fellow traveler.

Good morning, afternoon, where ever you may be!

Still on recovery and I've added a new powerful tool to my arsenal. I bought a bike. It's a cheapo, I use to ride a $3K carbon road bike a little over 10 years ago when I still had stuff. That story another time. But I found something I could afford and went and picked it up in a parking lot in a rough part of the city. It was an adventure and it just felt good to be checking off one of my reboot items. It is my goal to use it daily and extend my physical and geographic range. If I haven't mentioned it before, part of my plan is to get into bikepacking. I want to get use to spending time in nature and not be so afraid and always seeking comfort. I want to live outside my comfort zone. It's one of the self discoveries I made. I have been looking for comfort and not challenges. Sitting on my sofa, surfing for porn was a comfort based activity - little effort maximum pleasure. I thought. I hope I will find real pleasure in learning and getting use to living with discomfort in order to have spontaneous experiences and extend myself beyond a search for comfort and pleasure.

Road about 10 miles home and my butt is so sore. I deserved the pain. It feels a little like someone kicked me in my ass. ;D


Reboot
Did I use porn today? NO
What were my triggers? n/a
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? walking, starting/trying meditation, BIKING
What am I grateful for today? getting back to biking to get me out of the house and in "shape"
Day counter! 10.5