7/10/19
Days Since last PMO: 0
Hello, my name is Rob, and I'm incredibly grateful to this community for its support and existence. I'm 24 years old and I've been struggling with pornography since I first started viewing it at 17. I've made it for around 60 days as my best record of being porn free in the past, and the best I remember is that I just got bored with normal living and sought out porn again. I had a great group of friends around me at the time to help me get my mind off of things.
I think I posted in this same forum a few years back, and I kindly ask that anybody who reads this is sensitive to my situation and feelings as I'll explain, because my experience over the last few years has turned me into something of a meaningless zombie. I write this log so that I will feel in some way important or acknowledged, and partly because I hate feeling judged by a therapist, which might be the alternative. Otherwise, I'd be writing a blog post which would be very lonely indeed - I just hope that this story can help someone in a similar position to me, or that I might be able to connect to someone of a similar situation, or that I might just leave something of this horrible ordeal.
THE STORY:
I started trying to give up masturbating as soon as I started it when I was around 12 years old. This was all for religious reasons since I've been raised Roman Catholic, and I thought I was going to Hell for masturbating. I made many fruitless attempts throughout adolescence to quit.
In 11th grade, I got my own computer and an iPod touch, making my life more private, and I sought out internet pornography.
The end of high school seemed to consist of me chasing girls, trying to "one up" my friends in finding a girlfriend, and failing over and over again at quitting porn and masturbating.
Around the beginning of college, I continued my porn addiction, though made several better attempts to give it up, making it as far as 34 days at one point. I started to grow really self conscious about my not having had sex.
At the end of my freshman year, I started dating a girl I liked, but got tired of her really quickly. I attribute my not being able to perform or ejaculate from blowjobs to the way I masturbated into the bed on my front side. This is a really bad habit I still have, and I've had from the beginning. I largely attribute it to easier cleanup and the fact that I'm circumcised, something I learned later from porn usage.
In my sophomore year of college, I had another failed ejaculation from a blowjob (different girl after the first girl and I broke up) and a couple dates, then I almost entirely gave up dating for the next 3-4 years, and here I am now, a couple years into my career, which has been largely confused and misguided. There's a ton more detail I can go into in a later edit since I really want to justify where I stand to myself and better understand who I am and where I'm going, but I want to make a few things clear from the outset.
I've tried many times at quitting and failed to make it 90 days, which I regard as the point where you're seemingly free, based on what I've read. I think I was practically free at 60 days when I made it before, though I recall masturbating to orgasm during that 60 day period, so maybe I'm going to see something different if I really do a good job this time.
Having taught middle school for the last two years, I am better understanding my adolescent brain. I always felt trodden over by women having been a younger brother and having an older dad who wasn't around as much as mom and who couldn't be as physically active. Over the years, I've also developed this fetish for seeing uncut dicks in porn because I feel semi-castrated from being circumcised. It's led me to these fantasies of being a girl, and I'm not sure whether it's caused by porn or what. I'm envious of guys who aren't circumcised and it makes me filled with this hatred for and insecurity around them, which I know is wrong, but I can't help but feel it. I'm sorry if you read this and it affects you, it's just that I'm trying to work through this to self-acceptance and a more constructive attitude about my situation. It's probably one that's very common, though I've lost myself in anger at my parents, the hospital where they had me, and a vast shame and emptiness. I've had several screaming matches with my parents about this whole thing. I know there's a lot to all that I'm saying, and I've tried to consider both sides to the story, though I will elaborate when I have more time. At the bottom of it all, I feel completely alone and isolated and rejected and hated by society and men and women as individuals. I'm definitely living something of a double life. I honestly don't even feel comfortable in any type of established job, as I feel like any type of establishment represents conformity to a society that let me get amputated.
Here's what I do to cope. I've stopped caring much or feeling very self conscious about the fact that I haven't had sex, as I realize that I can't honestly be intimate with another person until I completely accept myself and my situation, which is still a ways away. I exercise furiously by running and doing calisthenics to burn off any energy I get. I frequently feel hatred for my parents for the reasons listed above, and I've lost control of it several times in the past, which has led to fights that were incredibly destructive to our relationship, although I said almost everything I felt. It's like half of me loves them and the other half of me hates them. I use tugging methods to "regrow" my foreskin to get rid of some of the negative effects from circumcision. I also try to use manual stretching to get a larger penis and keep detailed logs of my regime. I know that I cope with my horrible self image by trying to make myself look better or more desirable. I feel like I need to reject everyone since I feel rejected in the ways I talked about above. The only thought that comforts me in my feelings about my penis is the idea that I could somehow make it my own like this and claim ownership of my own body. And up until now, I would have masturbated to burn off energy. It, along with running, are useful because they take away physical energy and mental frustration that would be directed at my parents and replace it with this zombie-like stupor of sexual fetishes. Still, I know that there is a more constructive way of living one's life, and I don't intend to go insane living like this until I'm supposed to be starting a family in the next ten years or so.
I've definitely said a lot in this post, and I hope it helps me work through these feelings and arrive at some sort of acceptance. More to come later. I easily feel I could have doubled or tripled the length of this post with hardly any effort. I'm sorry if anything in my post triggers/offends anyone, though I honestly feel like this is the best way for me to work through these demons.
Days Since last PMO: 0
Hello, my name is Rob, and I'm incredibly grateful to this community for its support and existence. I'm 24 years old and I've been struggling with pornography since I first started viewing it at 17. I've made it for around 60 days as my best record of being porn free in the past, and the best I remember is that I just got bored with normal living and sought out porn again. I had a great group of friends around me at the time to help me get my mind off of things.
I think I posted in this same forum a few years back, and I kindly ask that anybody who reads this is sensitive to my situation and feelings as I'll explain, because my experience over the last few years has turned me into something of a meaningless zombie. I write this log so that I will feel in some way important or acknowledged, and partly because I hate feeling judged by a therapist, which might be the alternative. Otherwise, I'd be writing a blog post which would be very lonely indeed - I just hope that this story can help someone in a similar position to me, or that I might be able to connect to someone of a similar situation, or that I might just leave something of this horrible ordeal.
THE STORY:
I started trying to give up masturbating as soon as I started it when I was around 12 years old. This was all for religious reasons since I've been raised Roman Catholic, and I thought I was going to Hell for masturbating. I made many fruitless attempts throughout adolescence to quit.
In 11th grade, I got my own computer and an iPod touch, making my life more private, and I sought out internet pornography.
The end of high school seemed to consist of me chasing girls, trying to "one up" my friends in finding a girlfriend, and failing over and over again at quitting porn and masturbating.
Around the beginning of college, I continued my porn addiction, though made several better attempts to give it up, making it as far as 34 days at one point. I started to grow really self conscious about my not having had sex.
At the end of my freshman year, I started dating a girl I liked, but got tired of her really quickly. I attribute my not being able to perform or ejaculate from blowjobs to the way I masturbated into the bed on my front side. This is a really bad habit I still have, and I've had from the beginning. I largely attribute it to easier cleanup and the fact that I'm circumcised, something I learned later from porn usage.
In my sophomore year of college, I had another failed ejaculation from a blowjob (different girl after the first girl and I broke up) and a couple dates, then I almost entirely gave up dating for the next 3-4 years, and here I am now, a couple years into my career, which has been largely confused and misguided. There's a ton more detail I can go into in a later edit since I really want to justify where I stand to myself and better understand who I am and where I'm going, but I want to make a few things clear from the outset.
I've tried many times at quitting and failed to make it 90 days, which I regard as the point where you're seemingly free, based on what I've read. I think I was practically free at 60 days when I made it before, though I recall masturbating to orgasm during that 60 day period, so maybe I'm going to see something different if I really do a good job this time.
Having taught middle school for the last two years, I am better understanding my adolescent brain. I always felt trodden over by women having been a younger brother and having an older dad who wasn't around as much as mom and who couldn't be as physically active. Over the years, I've also developed this fetish for seeing uncut dicks in porn because I feel semi-castrated from being circumcised. It's led me to these fantasies of being a girl, and I'm not sure whether it's caused by porn or what. I'm envious of guys who aren't circumcised and it makes me filled with this hatred for and insecurity around them, which I know is wrong, but I can't help but feel it. I'm sorry if you read this and it affects you, it's just that I'm trying to work through this to self-acceptance and a more constructive attitude about my situation. It's probably one that's very common, though I've lost myself in anger at my parents, the hospital where they had me, and a vast shame and emptiness. I've had several screaming matches with my parents about this whole thing. I know there's a lot to all that I'm saying, and I've tried to consider both sides to the story, though I will elaborate when I have more time. At the bottom of it all, I feel completely alone and isolated and rejected and hated by society and men and women as individuals. I'm definitely living something of a double life. I honestly don't even feel comfortable in any type of established job, as I feel like any type of establishment represents conformity to a society that let me get amputated.
Here's what I do to cope. I've stopped caring much or feeling very self conscious about the fact that I haven't had sex, as I realize that I can't honestly be intimate with another person until I completely accept myself and my situation, which is still a ways away. I exercise furiously by running and doing calisthenics to burn off any energy I get. I frequently feel hatred for my parents for the reasons listed above, and I've lost control of it several times in the past, which has led to fights that were incredibly destructive to our relationship, although I said almost everything I felt. It's like half of me loves them and the other half of me hates them. I use tugging methods to "regrow" my foreskin to get rid of some of the negative effects from circumcision. I also try to use manual stretching to get a larger penis and keep detailed logs of my regime. I know that I cope with my horrible self image by trying to make myself look better or more desirable. I feel like I need to reject everyone since I feel rejected in the ways I talked about above. The only thought that comforts me in my feelings about my penis is the idea that I could somehow make it my own like this and claim ownership of my own body. And up until now, I would have masturbated to burn off energy. It, along with running, are useful because they take away physical energy and mental frustration that would be directed at my parents and replace it with this zombie-like stupor of sexual fetishes. Still, I know that there is a more constructive way of living one's life, and I don't intend to go insane living like this until I'm supposed to be starting a family in the next ten years or so.
I've definitely said a lot in this post, and I hope it helps me work through these feelings and arrive at some sort of acceptance. More to come later. I easily feel I could have doubled or tripled the length of this post with hardly any effort. I'm sorry if anything in my post triggers/offends anyone, though I honestly feel like this is the best way for me to work through these demons.