Author Topic: FlyPhoenix Journal  (Read 36640 times)

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #300 on: April 17, 2018, 04:19:37 PM »

Well, sounds good. If you're finding strategies of being more present at your work and home I'm sure you'll have good results soon.

Key thing is why do you wanna quit and stuff.

Cheers

Indeed, staying off headphones during work hours has shown me how much I have conditioned myself to be stuck on the computer, it's helped me to stay off screens even at home, at least it feels better.

Thankful for a clean weekend and for increasing productivity, the real challenge is to be productive even against the more boring stuff that I need to do. I have a post-lunch workshop for the rest of the afternoon. Just hoping it doesn't go overboard, but the people we are working with are nice enough people.

Need to make more lists and finish an assignment, call a service provider and record some music for a friend, and help my family.

Take care guys, hope all is well.

Day 18

Awesome. When you talk about all those healthy and productive plans you're rewiring your brain's reward system and I'm sure that if you manage to make those plans reality you will further the rewiring and improve your self esteem. Keep it up! ;)
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #301 on: April 18, 2018, 04:58:47 AM »
Yes, I'm just trying to make sure I don't get stressed by everything. It's been quite an expensive time for me and trying to ensure that I can recover my money in the near future.

I need to make sure that my thinking is clear and focused so I can complete all the projects I'm currently working on without too many mistakes and at the same time ensure that my mental and emotional stakes are balanced and healthy. Also, I need to ensure that I feed my mind the best information possible so I can make wiser decisions and be creative in how I build my life.

By me removing earphones from my work environment, things are not perfect, but they are better and I am aware of more things going on around me. I have more peace in my life, just a tad bit more and feel less anxious.

One day at a time..

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #302 on: April 24, 2018, 02:10:16 AM »
Had a major fight at the traffic department and threw my toys, the lady behind the counter was smirking and I just lost it even more. I kind of raised my tempter to the point where I was hot, and it's been cold here. So I started to feel a bit ill last night, and I had to sleep in the other room as I didn't want to get worse or make my wife and kid sick. I am starting to regain my confidence.
I had taken off my earphones, but then my colleagues tend to speak very loudly and consistently throughout the day. The struggle is that earphones tempt me to watch videos and be on social media, but then without them I am constantly distracted by my colleagues around me. It's the same at home, I have to shut out my family as my computer is in a communal space, which is goo for me not to use P, but people can easily come up and ask for stuff or want to chat. Love 'em but I need to focus. Praying for a good productive day ahead, and to be guided and protected. Take care guys..

Day 26

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #303 on: May 04, 2018, 06:48:19 AM »
Feeling stable today, facing a number of unresolved activities at work and in my personal finances. I feel the need to just sleep more often.
I received some negative feedback on a piece of work I did, and feel like I'm climbing a mountain in my career. I often feel paralysed and demotivated, can't seem to start an assignment and when I do, I feel riddled with self-doubt.
This is mostly the result of having used P in the past week, back to square one as they say, complete with the paranoia, fear and anxiety, waiting for consequences to overtake me and for the world to attack me. I know this is what to expect, but I hate it. It drives me crazy, but I keep acting out nonetheless.
I suppose I don't really mind these "drawbacks" as much as I should. Maybe I'm willing to endure them and return to a "streak" and fall into a lull, believing that I'm not that bad.
Last time I relapsed was because a close family member was in a car accident, and I used that as an excuse to act out. Even while I was acting out, I was angry and felt entitled. I'm finding myself easily triggered to anger and to cause confrontations with people in my life.
I have to study over the coming few weeks and prepare for my exams. Then I need to arrange a holiday for myself and my wife.
Money is tight at the moment and I need to find ways of saving while paying off my debts, life feels quite rough indeed.
Still, I have today and tomorrow. I often wonder if I did enough work, I don't know how much work others put in in their lives, but I suspect I am not putting in enough.

Day 2

Georgos

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #304 on: May 04, 2018, 07:43:50 AM »
My brother never looked at porn as far as I know, he was always more righteous. I still fear telling him about it, I know my mother always knew, she even thought my drawings were funny, I always destroyed them after use, my father was invited to China, he was in two minds whether to go and I told him it would do him good, a break, a holiday, they bought my drawings telepathically, I believe, and turned them on their head, imagine being asked to represent three billion people, most of my posts on here are with *people I consider friends, thank you

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #305 on: May 06, 2018, 06:29:32 PM »
Feeling stable today, facing a number of unresolved activities at work and in my personal finances. I feel the need to just sleep more often.
I received some negative feedback on a piece of work I did, and feel like I'm climbing a mountain in my career. I often feel paralysed and demotivated, can't seem to start an assignment and when I do, I feel riddled with self-doubt.
This is mostly the result of having used P in the past week, back to square one as they say, complete with the paranoia, fear and anxiety, waiting for consequences to overtake me and for the world to attack me. I know this is what to expect, but I hate it. It drives me crazy, but I keep acting out nonetheless.
I suppose I don't really mind these "drawbacks" as much as I should. Maybe I'm willing to endure them and return to a "streak" and fall into a lull, believing that I'm not that bad.
Last time I relapsed was because a close family member was in a car accident, and I used that as an excuse to act out. Even while I was acting out, I was angry and felt entitled. I'm finding myself easily triggered to anger and to cause confrontations with people in my life.
I have to study over the coming few weeks and prepare for my exams. Then I need to arrange a holiday for myself and my wife.
Money is tight at the moment and I need to find ways of saving while paying off my debts, life feels quite rough indeed.
Still, I have today and tomorrow. I often wonder if I did enough work, I don't know how much work others put in in their lives, but I suspect I am not putting in enough.

Day 2

I was just thinking about the typical "stay strong" thing and it occured to me "be soft" when you have to be soft, and strong when you have to be strong. Just thinking why all this is happening to us, but it's our way, out path. 

Relax, focus and be great ;)
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #306 on: May 09, 2018, 06:28:23 AM »
Day 7

Work seems to be going a bit rough. Every assignment I submit comes back with requests for major changes, nothing that meets the satisfaction of my team or the client it seems.

I tell myself to just push on with the next deliverable, but each previous one comes back for more reviews and changes. Then I struggle to get going with anything.

It doesn't help that I haven't had a decent break or holiday this year. I'm in the middle of studying for exams and lots of personal drama going on.

So, it's the perfect storm and I have a lot of self-doubt and fear plaguing me. I often feel like I've abandoned my faith and people in my life, like friends and other family members.

I often feel like the reason things are going bad for me is that I acted out. I think the things happening would have happened anyway, but I would have been emotionally stronger I suppose. I think that even if I stayed "clean" there is something I'm missing, something that prevents me from heading to a new level.

Even when I'm "clean" I allow myself into the middle circle, spending hours on social media and surfing endlessly. My relationship with myself and the world is strained, and all I want to do when I have spare time is sit in front of Youtube for hours. I think I'll go to a library this weekend so I'm not tempted to log on.

Take care all..

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #307 on: May 10, 2018, 04:28:40 AM »
Spoke to a friend in recovery, then spoke to my sponsor, staying in touch with them. I'm looking at getting back to church, been missing it for about a month, also want to get back into serving in church as well. I know when I was serving, in church, in my 12 step group, working steps and attending meetings, with a service position, I was at my strongest. Now just trying to keep things from falling apart.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #308 on: May 11, 2018, 03:05:25 AM »
Struggled with youtube, but managed to log off, now here. Gonna bookend with a friend in recovery about some work I need to do..

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #309 on: May 14, 2018, 03:50:51 PM »
Struggled with youtube, but managed to log off, now here. Gonna bookend with a friend in recovery about some work I need to do..

the enemy is trying to make you fall through little things.

You might wanna counter back by recovering in little things, step by step.
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #310 on: May 15, 2018, 12:45:25 AM »
Spent over 3hrs on YT and SM yesterday, coming clean here. I go some bad feedback on some work I did, and I believe it's the result of not being present. Gonna stay connected, although I don't have my phone charger..

Georgos

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #311 on: May 21, 2018, 03:59:35 AM »
Hi Fly, how are you getting on? Still connected?

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #312 on: May 24, 2018, 07:19:21 AM »
Hey man, thanks for checking in. Took a bit of a break from online forums, been studying and wrestling with a bunch of things in my life, finances, personal relationships etc.. Been quite rough but managing, got a 22 day streak going now, so I'm healing and haven't fallen into the world of P. Been focusing on connecting with people in my real-life recovery spaces, SAA meetings, sponsor and some guys going through similar struggles.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #313 on: May 28, 2018, 12:33:17 AM »
Day 25, hope I don't do something stupid, been waking up better, drinking less coffee.. Today I'm digging into some work already, managing to resist social media for the most part. The weekend was good, managed to stay off social media for the most part.

Dutch Courage

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #314 on: May 28, 2018, 03:21:31 PM »
Good job - keep it up buddy!

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #315 on: May 29, 2018, 01:32:31 AM »
Day 26, still going strong with the no coffee diet :) It's actually helping a lot, much more that I thought. Managing to get off social media here and there, better than before, impulse control. Thankful for another day sober and spiritual strength.

Loving_Mary

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #316 on: May 31, 2018, 03:50:36 PM »
Day 26, still going strong with the no coffee diet :) It's actually helping a lot, much more that I thought. Managing to get off social media here and there, better than before, impulse control. Thankful for another day sober and spiritual strength.

awesome
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #317 on: June 04, 2018, 02:34:08 AM »
Day 32, had a great weekend, struggling with some issues in my relationship. But I woke up alive and healthy, which is by the Lord's grace. Thankful for my job, for my kids and my wife, thankful for a roof over our heads and for my sobriety, which I know can be taken away any time.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #318 on: June 06, 2018, 02:16:48 AM »
Day 34, emotions are all over the place. Gave up coffee and fighting really hard to stay off social media. It helped that I reached out to people this morning instead of going straight to facebook, instagram or youtube as is my usual ritual. I just realised yesterday that social media is programming me in unhleathy ways. So, fighting really hard, praying for strength and trying to remember why I'm doing it. MOre than anything, I'm trying to make sure that my mind reboots fully and I can be functional at work and in my personal life, rather than itching to always be online. I spent only about 10-20 minutes yesterday, at home at night. But at the time, I had to study and do a couple of other tasks. I managed to pull away, but I was quite stunned at how hard it was, now that I am striving to live without it.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #319 on: June 13, 2018, 03:32:18 AM »
Day 2, I was starting to become too hard on myself, putting too much pressure on myself to do certain things. Starting again, no expectations of myself and the world. Doing my best to remember that..

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #320 on: June 14, 2018, 06:29:55 AM »
Day 3, dealing with a very mild cold that doesn't seem to want to go away, but also doesn't seem to be escalating. Striving to be a better person, but also need to remember to be more gentle with myself, which I find is what I struggled to do just before I fell, also became harsh with others, did it again yesterday. I'm even hard on myself for being angry with people and for not being good to myself.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #321 on: July 05, 2018, 08:15:06 AM »
Day 13
Caught myself projecting into the future. Looking at some mistakes I made today at work and saying to myself "At least when I have a long time clean, things will be better."
I have the feeling that I need to just focus on what I have to do today, accept that I made a mistake and move on. Whatever happens tomorrow, I leave to tomorrow. I cannot borrow today's failures against tomorrow's successes, because nothing is guaranteed.
Struggling with a cold, and pressure at work. Need to sleep early and get ready for my time off soon. Money is tight, but I know God is there for me and my family.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #322 on: July 19, 2018, 04:37:46 AM »
Day 27
In a decent space, a bit of a limbo. Recently I've been feeling very grateful for life life, and the things I've been blessed with.
It's really helping. Went to a meeting this week.
Been thinking about social anxiety. I feel scared to go out to meet old friends, to have social gatherings in the office and to be at parties in general. Hopefully this can pass.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #323 on: July 25, 2018, 07:11:27 AM »
Day 33
Had a bit of a stumble, went onto Facebook and found in my followers list a whole bunch of people I would really rather not have anyone see, most likely remnants of connections I made while in a drunken state back while I was still drinking and using drugs and obviously making use of various forms of acting out sexually, including escorts, P and social media cruising. I was panicked to find that some of these people I don't recall ever contacting, and became paranoid that they had somehow be in contact with some of the people I had stalked and approach for sexual activity. I started to think that these people were busy watching me and somehow waiting for the opportune moment to expose my dirty laundry. Not just that, but the whole exercise of blocking these people triggered me to start cruising their pages and the pages of their friends on fb. While this is not P, I admit this is not the healthiest and amounts to a lesser form of acting out as it involved obsession and arousal. I might reset the count, not sure at this moment, but the truth is that the experience has shaken me and now I am distracted by the stimulus and feel a strong urge to go back on fb and search more profiles. In fact, I entered a name of an escort I once visited and realised there is a huge problem, and came here.

FlyPhoenix

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Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« Reply #324 on: July 26, 2018, 04:56:41 AM »
Day 1,
A bit better today, much less social media and making attempts to tack my work, which is piling up.