Starting over (again)

Hi everyone,

I've actually registered and deleted accounts on yourbrainrebalanced twice because I wasn't willing to call a spade a spade and realize that I really do have an addiction to Internet porn. Third time's the charm, as the old cliche goes, right?

I'm 26 years old, live at home with a family member, and I have been a regular porn user, excepting a blissful two-year break, since I was 11. I have a story I could tell (parents divorced, mentally ill mother, hotel-homeless, traumatic death of said mother, and the addiction itself, of course) but frankly the stories I've read on here seem a lot worse than mine! So I think I'll spare myself the self-pity.

The date of this reboot is March 15, the last day I PMO'd. I was reading the stories on here and finally I could not convince myself that I wasn't an addict any longer. (The shaky hands, fantasizing, skewed perspectives on relationships, negative attitude, etc.) All of that evidence just kept piling up until I couldn't bullshit myself anymore, which I should tell you all that I've gotten to be pretty good at that, as have the majority of us, I would think.

I've been single for 10 years; haven't had a girlfriend since one hellish month in high school as a sophomore. That's partly because of who I am, and partly because of my life history. (Kinda hard to meet girls when you're living out of hotel rooms due to your mother's mental state. Long story. If you guys want me to, I'll tell it.) I have never had PIV sex, the closest I have ever come was when a nine-year-old girl acted out sexually with me when I was 10. I discovered porn shortly after that, because as my amazing therapist explained to me, the sexual feelings that the girl awoke in me couldn't just be put back to sleep. I have a higher-than-normal libido as a result, but no outlet for it, which is a problem vis-a-vis my addiction.

Introverted, shy, ashamed of the things I have believed because I believed Mom and her delusions, trying to move forward as best I can. I'm not really in shape, I have a gut that isn't too bad, but I have serious baby-face going on. I look like a freaking 20-year-old infant sometimes; it's embarrassing enough without getting carded every time I want a glass of wine! (I'm not an alcoholic, fortunately, that's never been a temptation for me.)

I'm not sure what else is there to say. I won't disappear this time; I've come too far to let myself believe there's nothing wrong with jerking off to groups of pixels arranged in a certain way. Do I have triggers? Hell yes, but I just grit my teeth and feel them out for the past few weeks instead of indulging in them. I use porn to medicate my embarrassment over my life history, my insecurity about not looking a 10/10, and my lack of confidence in myself as a result of the above two. I realize that you guys have much more, shall we say, intense, histories than mine, which only goes to show that my embarrassment is only an ego thing, right? Yet I'm still embarrassed and ashamed anyway.

I have never had a sense of purpose, I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure that there even is anything to do with my life. I've been in the hospital once for a suicide attempt after my mom died and my addiction came back in force after the two-year break. I should probably stop typing now before this becomes an epic post! Thanks for reading. Almost to 30 days (again). The longest I've held on is about six months. Breaking that record this time.

Hey dude,

I feel you. I didn't have any significant romantic experience with a girl until I was twenty-one. Yet I went from nothing to having a gf in a year. It can happen. 

I'll just say this, You are not defined by any traumatic events which have happened in your life (I have my share as well) you are only defined by what you do with your life now. The first step is simple, find something to do. Find something that is a useful, and productive thing you can put time and effort into. It really doesn't matter what it is. Are there jobs you could work? Is going to school a possibility? Are there places you could volunteer? Anything to get you out of the house and into the world. Once you are there, talk to people. Don't rationalize yourself out of socializing either. You may not look like a stud but that doesn't mean you aren't a human being with value. So just talk about something. Crack a joke, talk about the weather, etc It doesn't really matter.

You mentioned physical fitness and nutrition. Can you research exercise routines? Nutrition plans? If you are unsure where to start you can just do something as simple as basic body weight exercises such as push ups, sit ups, air squats etc and go from there. That's all the basic advice I will give right now. If you have any more specific questions, feel free to message me.

Hang in there man, I've been at suicide's door myself. There's always a way through it. 

Life is hard. my life is hell. but we have to live our life. don't give up. stay strong in reboot. keep fighting. keep fighting for your life.
no one else gonna come and solve your problem. you have to be responsible and solve your problem.

Hey guys, thanks to you both for replying.

@cacaude19: I'm going to school already, have been for the last two years. I'm planning on attending a proper four-year school this fall, I got most of my gen eds out of the way already at a local community college. Planning to major in math; I haven't decided what I want to do with it yet. Of course, I don't know what I want to do with anything, so that's not really a big deal to me. I'm working a couple of jobs as well, one of which is about to end because it's seasonal. I have some money saved up, but I'll have to use it to pay for my classes next summer because financial aid is running out.

I've done bodyweight exercises before and those worked for me, with one problem: Exercise makes me horny. I don't know why (maybe it's the good-looking girl in the workout videos on YouTube), but I found it difficult to stay on track when I did them. Not that I'm against them per se, but that is something I would like not to have happen anymore. I can do them without the videos, but I use them to make sure I'm doing the exercises right.

As far as social stuff goes...goldfish out of water. You know what that's like. It's hard to crack jokes and be friendly when the sheer intimidation of the thing shuts me down. And yet there have been times where I'm giving as good as I'm getting and people start paying attention because I'm suddenly interesting. I have no idea what makes the difference, but I've experienced both sides, so there is hope, at least.

@mtaha2015: Yeah, I know. Keep the peace, man

hey freefromwinternight, good on you for admitting you've got an addiction. It took me about six years and two broken relationships for me to admit it. I've found that socialising becomes a whole lot easier when I'm out of the PMO cycle because my anxiety levels go down so much, maybe you've experienced something similar? Good luck

@gooutside: Thanks for replying! Yeah, it seems as if I know what to say without thinking about it more when I'm away from the PMO cycle - it's like my brain knows what to do when it's not drowning in dopamine. Whenever I relapse, give it a few days to a week, but my brain will forget that innate knowledge or instinct and just zone out to the lowest level necessary to exist. I have to force it to in work situations, which I hate doing, but that's why we're here, right?

On another note, I read so many posts on here about how PMO leads to PIED. I'm more than a little jealous - okay, in fact, I'm saying to myself, "Are you shitting me? You're so damn lucky to even HAVE a girlfriend!" But that's what being single for so long - actually, I guess since my first "girlfriend" lasted a month, I've never been in a relationship ever! YAY!

Sorry, that was me venting. I'll stop now.

Day 28: Had a wet dream that I don't remember, just woke up with a wet spot on my boxers. Can't go back to sleep, shaking/shivering a bit but not bad. I haven't had a wet dream in a while; they generally aren't pleasant experiences. No desire for P whatsoever (so far). I did get triggered yesterday, ironically it was something on the YBOP website that did it, but I resisted it successfully. Maybe that's what set off the wet dream. I don't know. 30 days in 2 more.

Experiencing cravings a bit right now, but not too bad. Gritting my teeth and focusing on something else.

It's like I can feel a cold snake in my gut slowly coiling and getting ready to strike, which is when I have relapsed in the past. It's not coiling as fast right now; I'll hold it off.

Cravings are gone for now, I didn't relapse. HOORAH!

Now I'm really tired because I have been awake since 4 am when the wet dream woke me up just after I O'd.

I have a question to anybody who reads this: Is it worth it to just lose my virginity to a woman I pay for in some capacity? Just to get it out of the way? I have always believed in waiting until marriage for sex, but now I'm not certain I was right. (I'm not talking about a ONS, but more along the lines of an escort/sex worker without an STD. I'm told they do exist.)

Thanks!

I edged without realizing it just now: Did my own research through Google about the escort question. Not a good idea, got aroused by some of the stuff I read. No relapse yet. Ordinarily, that would be an irresistible trigger for me, so I think this is a good sign that I'm not diving right in like I usually would. I think I'll just leave that topic alone for now.

Another question: If pushups hurt my wrists, is my position wrong? Or are my wrists just weak?

Not sure about the push-ups thing. In terms of the escort thing, do you think it's right for these women to sell something so intimate and personal? If you don't at all that's totally fine and it could be a way for you to feel included in the sexual world. But if you do think prostitution is wrong, you might find yourself a bit disappointed in yourself after the fact. Wear a condom if you do it!

Hey man. Way to make it to 30 days. I have to say I find that quite impressive and challenging. Good to see you trying to get some positive habits going such as exercise and the like. I'm no expert, but with pushups/general exercise I'm pretty sure muscle pain is good and joint pain is bad. You could maybe try those handle type things so your wrists aren't so bent doing pushups. In terms of escorts my two cents is as follows: Going from wanting to wait until marriage to looking into escorts seems to be a pretty stark paradigm shift, which would indicate that its not a decision to be made lightly. Personally, my wife and I both waited till we were married and it was pretty friggin great. I think the pressure that our society puts on men lose their virginity is pretty dumb, there's plenty of time to figure things out in a committed relationship. But that's just my bias. Good luck moving forward, you're doing awesome!

@gooutside & @presson: Thanks for both of your replies. I know, 30 days, 1/3 of a 90 reset and 1/6 of my goal! WOO

Yeah, I just don't know anymore. It seems like it's so hard for men and women to meet these days. I don't mean hard in terms of approaching/dating women, I mean introducing myself to them in the first place in a way that's socially acceptable without it being seen as sexual harassment/creeping/whatever. That's why I'm even considering the possibility of losing my virginity to an escort, just so I can join the sexual world in the first place. Frankly, I'm sick of being an outsider in this regard (26 years old, still a virgin).

And I could set an encounter up and completely wuss out like that guy in Catcher in the Rye that we all read back in high school. I don't know anymore. I'm tired of the frustration and feeling like I have this invisible sign over my head that says "this guy is sexually unattractive and there is nothing that he can do about it. HA-HA."

I went for a long walk today for cardio (up and down hills) and did a grand total of four push-ups because that's all I could stand. I plan on doing four a day from now until next Tue and then increasing to five or six, probably doing one more per day after that, depending on my tolerance level.

YEAH 30 DAYS

forgot to say this in the first reply - 30 DAYS!! That's great work.

If push ups hurt your joints, there are other ways you can build strength. (yoga, chin ups, weights etc)

I like your commitment to long term gradual progress, Keep it up! Good luck working through these issues, you're not alone.

I feel really down right now, in the pits looking up a light that's barely there. Didn't go for a walk today & no push ups. I still feel sore from yesterday; in fact, not just my legs, but my abdomen, back and butt were sore so I must have done that walk really well! My arms were a little sore, nothing like my bottom half. I'll walk and do push-ups tomorrow.

I alternate between feeling okay, to feeling great, to feeling like nothing's ever going to feel right ever again. I probably could be triggered right now, since running from emotions is what I generally used porn for. (Amazing how I could convince myself that my emotions were all me being really horny.)

I'm still thinking about the escort idea, but leaning towards no. It occurred to me today that no one has given me a compliment in a long time. Like a random woman just telling me something good about myself unsolicited. Hell, a girl hasn't so much as checked me out in five years at least. That doesn't help feeling down in the pits at all, think I'll stop thinking about it.

@mr. awesome: Thanks for your input. It feels a little wrong to me, too; I wouldn't be considering it except for the following reasons: I don't have a lot of the 'usual' story that most people have mapped out. I know that the common response is to say 'no one does', but just consider the following.

I'm a . . .

Actually, this is all bullshit. If someone likes you, they don't care what your background is, right? I haven't been arrested, I haven't done drugs (unless you count porn as a drug), I don't have any entanglements from previous relationships, I don't have any kids. I've avoided a lot of hurdles in my life, and that's all anyone should care about.

I still really want sex.

Sent my first message on an online dating site to someone I want to date/possible sleep with (as best as I can tell based on their profile anyway). Here's to good luck on teh internetz.

Cravings for PMO, but not bad/manageable. Went outside, did yard work, got my dose of fresh air, exercise and sunshine.

Day 32 almost done.

The more I think about the escort idea, the more I think it's a bad idea. I definitely don't want my first experience to be like the story of some guy I read on reddit. I'm not going to post it because it definitely contains trigger warnings, but I didn't get triggered by them for once. He basically said it felt like he was still a virgin at the end of it. The woman he chose was very good-looking, according to him, yet at the time he wrote the post several hours later he said he couldn't even remember her face very well. That's not what I want. At the very least what I want is with some kind of emotional connection. That's the bare minimum. Hopefully reaching out, even if it is online (due to difficulty meeting women in the offline world), will provide that for me and whoever I connect with.

freefromwinternight said:

The more I think about the escort idea, the more I think it's a bad idea. I definitely don't want my first experience to be like the story of some guy I read on reddit. I'm not going to post it because it definitely contains trigger warnings, but I didn't get triggered by them for once. He basically said it felt like he was still a virgin at the end of it. The woman he chose was very good-looking, according to him, yet at the time he wrote the post several hours later he said he couldn't even remember her face very well. That's not what I want. At the very least what I want is with some kind of emotional connection. That's the bare minimum. Hopefully reaching out, even if it is online (due to difficulty meeting women in the offline world), will provide that for me and whoever I connect with.

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Hey man it! Its good to hear that your journey is going well and that your are coping with the cravings. My own opionion on an online date would be to make sure that you have some sort of chemistry with the lady because if you didnt it has pretty much the same outcome of getting an escort. Id also be very cautious if it turns into a one night stand as it may then envolve you chasing which could then lead to a relapse. Just my two cents.

But keep going strong man. Day 34 is really good and you should be proud!