weirdfeelings
New Member
Hello All,
I have been a long time lurker and accepting the fact that I have ED was quite an achievement for me. I think my situation is somewhat different than the most of you as it also has deep emotional connections. I am writing here because despite having the problem, I made a girlfriend and I am with her for the last 2 months. She is a virgin/or she claims so because my ED is in such condition that I would never be able to force a woman, not that I would ever but what I mean is she is in complete control of the sex act and we only do the rubbing once or twice a week, if I am in good mood and if she is receptive; which makes sex more like a liability than something enjoyable. Some of you who had vivid sexual power in the past will relate to what I say; between the ages of 15-25 I was able to get it up whenever I want and wherever I want. Having such kind of sexual power made me like a pornstar when I was with women and the women I have been with practically never rejected any of the things I asked from them, until 4 years ago.
My dad raised me as a strong man and I was quite the "ace" until high school. That was the time when I realized that being a lone wolf doesn't work, especially if you are having a conflict with a group of guys whom you think are inferior than you. That was the first time my manly ego was hurt, but it did not affect my erections, maybe it only placed some subliminal hints that I will realize later on.
A few years later, I knew from personal experience that when a woman hurtys your trust, you lose your erection. That happened to me when I was 21, but it was only with a specific girl who hurt my trust by flirting with a guy I knew behind my back (it was just flirting, I knew for sure but I was in love with her and never expected such behavior from her) and then it passed within a few months.
At the same time, my dad's finances got really shitty and I ended up studying at the best university of my home country, without any financial aid. Being raised as an ace, I rejected going to school on a budget and ended up being a vagabond. It was really charming at first, all the women were throwing themselves at me, I was masturbating maybe 3-4 times a day even after I had sex 3-4 times with a woman. It was extacy. However I had two realities in my head; the kind of girl you want to settle and the kind of girl you want to play with. These two realities never intertwined with each other.
Then, I met a Polish girl. She was on holiday and I was working, at a souvenir store. We spent one day together and she was hooked at me. After exchanging a few e-mails after she went back to her home country, we started talking on Skype. Then our long-distance relationship started; finances were broke, the girl was really beautiful and she was into me, so I said to myself why not.
She kept waiting for me to fix my finances and thus we spent 1.5 years on Skype. She was ready for me on Skype whenever I want, we were talking about practically anything, she was admiring my general culture, proficiency of English language, German language, she was adoring my nation and native language Turkish, she was adoring or admiring practically anything that is related to me. She came to Turkey twice and I decided that I can grow old with this woman. But there was a problem, we are talking about agirl who spent hours and days and weeks with me on Skype however, on her second visit to Turkey (After 2 years and few months), I received a message on my Facebook, which was sent by her "supposedly" ex boyfriend. He told in his message that "I heard that my girlfriend is with you, just to give you a tip, she likes it really hard and rough".
Looking back at time, I was really naive and stupid but I just believed that her love could be true so my world was devastated. Now I was penniless, a college dropout with a bankrupted father and the love of his life who cheated on him, most likely more than several times so that dickhead got my name and surname and got the courage to send me a message on FB.
She cried, begged me, kissed my feet, carressed my hair when I was sleeping but it was over for me. She spent one more day with me and I kicked her out. Anyways, remember that two realities I told you earlier, this was the first time those feelings intertwined. I wanted to see her being gangbanged, humiliated, spitted on and whatever you could imagine. This gave me a sadistic pleasure and I kept masturbating on the thought and then, in order to get revenge, I started talking on line with her to make sure she will obey my sadistic side, but of course she was clever enough to realize what I was trying to do. Eventually she deleted and blocked me from all platforms after realizing that all I wanted was revenge.
Then, I decided to take revenge from women from now on and also from weak guys and father who raised their daughters this way. I met many cuckolds, incests, I was receiving 10 messages a day as a bull for these weaklings. It was ecstatic, I was receiving both mental and physical orgasm from masturbations. Then, I met a girl online, fooled her that I was ready to love and yet have the naughty side etc. She quickly fell, telling me all kinds of nasty fantasies of hers, most of which were unspeakable. Lets say a group of men was the most innocent one. Please bear in mind that I live in Turkey and despite we live a modern life, we still have the moral codes of generation X or baby boomers sleeping somewhere deep in our consciousness.
So I kept digging deep inside her brain and she told me that making me watch her getting fucked by another guy would be a thrill. Think of the rage from my previous relationship and that hit the spot; she was ready and willing to humiliate herself in the most vile way and that made me feel ecstatic and I wanted her to open up more about this fantasy but when she realized that I was disgusted by her after ejaculation, she quickly started rejecting this fantasy of hers and our sexual communication decreased to a level where I was pushing her to open up and she was trying to hide her fantasies from me (after some digging on her personal accounts, I realized that she was into all kinds of nasty BDSM, group, bestiality etc. with just random guys but that was only cyber sex and fantasy because she was a virgin until she met me). That only fueled my revenge and I cheated on her. I cheated on her and after 15 days of hooking up with both girls at the same time, I broke up with her saying that its not her but its me.
During these 15 days, I felt shame and remorse for not being honest with both of the girls and I started having problems getting it up, not severly though; it was only felt by me. I dated with the other chick for 3 months and we split up because I was jeaolus of her and she told me "how can you be so jealous while not being able to guarantee a future for me?". That was another punch in the guts and that emotionally buried me six feet under. I did not know what to do. Being so broken hearted and still being called by the previous chick every once in a while, I made another mistake and got back together with her.
Of course curiosity got the best of me and I asked her whether she had any "online lovers", she told me that she was talking to one of them. Anyway, now I was only able to get it up when she was talking about nasty things and started giving me vivid details of how a specific vulgar guy was making her cum and how much she wanted him to fuck her. That was becoming more and more ecstatic and I was not able to penetrate her without hearing about these details. Eventually we broke up with her and that's when ED became a major problem for me.
Being raised as an "ace" now replaced itself by withdrawing myself from real woman, by fears of performance anxiety and hurt feelings; thus I moved towards somewhere safe, online chat rooms in which I could be a softcore fantasy cuckold to make sure I get the erections I wanted.
That went on for a year or so until I had another relationship, sex was good, also not as rigid as I used to have but still I was able to get it up whenever I wanted except for our first encounter. In the second encounter, I used Viagra but then it was magic, our second encounter has beaten my performance anxiet and I was nearly completely healed. Well, I dug deep once again and realized that she also cheated on me and thats when I started using drugs (mainly LSD and MDMA). Believe me guys, this is the worst thing you should do in that state.
As I withdrew myself from women, I started developing homophobia, "why am I running away from women" and these thoughts emerged when I was high. Believe you would never want to live such a trip, then it turned out that my best friend at the time, with whom we used drugs, was bisexual. Being the inquisitive and knowledge hungry guy I was, I really started to wonder whether I could be secretly gay and started having the fear of being passive gay since I couldnt get it up. That was my worst fear, being gay... I needed to find a way to get it up but I fucking couldnt.
I tried to have one night stands with viagra or with drugs but with existing performance anxiety, I just couldn't and one of the girls, who knew me back then, told me that I might have turned gay because I couldn't get it up and I just spend time with my boyband all the time.
I hated her, I hated life, I am not even able to establish friendly relationships with other guys either from fear of them being gay or them thinking that I could be gay because I wasn't into hitting on girls, spending time with call-girls or going out girl-hunting and such. All I did was having friendly and intellectuals conversations with people I knew from my past.
In the meantime, for the last seven years, I did have sleeping disorders due to my job as a freelancer. I was awake for 20 hours and then slept for 15 hours. This also hurt my feelings of self-sustainibility because I wasn't also able to wake up in the morning by myself.
With all these insecuritites, all I could do was running away from women, running away from gay people, refraining from establishing relationships with new people and masturbating with a semi-erect dick with women on phone, from whom I wanted them to roleplay as my adulterous wife.
Then I met a girl now. We are together for 2 months. I was unable to get it up in the first few times. First, she told me that she was a virgin and she wanted someone who could fuck her for hours, then she said she saw the clean-hearted guy in me and is willling to wait for me. Well, we were able to do the grinding or other things more than a dozen times but a solid rock erection without Viagra happened only once in our relationship, of course she does not know about Viagra.
Well, after too many experiences with different woman; the truth is I realized that she is just a confused girl who wants a macho type Alpha male, who I was and who present myself to be and I quit masturbating. She made me cum (either with or mouth or by grinding) maybe 4 or 5 times during the last 15 days and I never came masturbating in that time period.
Now, my question to you all is; 15 days without masturbation is a first time thing for me in my whole life but I still have problems getting it up without Viagra. The problem is despite the fact that I opened up to her about the majority of what I told you here she still feels offended when I can't get it up and gives me hints about me being inadequate, which really pressures me and makes me want to go down the rabbit-hole of cyber cuckolding with girls I met online in the past. I don't want to do that, I would never share my girl with anyone, I would never accept being cheated on but I am in a fucked up way and I can only have semi erections.
After 15 days, I started having random semi-erections but still feel that I won't be able to perform. The problem is, when I take Viagra and sleep, I get rock hard but it goes limp after I wake up. Same thing happens when we try to change positions or when I lose focus and such and I just want to have sex with her in a kind and not kind of dirty way, which is something I can't.
Another thing about cuckolding fantasy is that, very occasionally I get fully erect but only when I sense that the female I am talking to is only giving subtle hints about cuckolding and she is not into a one-time play but more like turning me into her husband, for real. In that case, I get fully erect and fully aroused but it would take only a few strokes for me to cum since I am pushing myself too much. When I do not give those strokes, I once again lose my erection.
Is there anyone who can help me or who can similarize his situation with mine, I just want to hear good news man, I don't want to end up being lonely or I don't want to end up being a cuckold. Your advice is appreciated.
Best
I have been a long time lurker and accepting the fact that I have ED was quite an achievement for me. I think my situation is somewhat different than the most of you as it also has deep emotional connections. I am writing here because despite having the problem, I made a girlfriend and I am with her for the last 2 months. She is a virgin/or she claims so because my ED is in such condition that I would never be able to force a woman, not that I would ever but what I mean is she is in complete control of the sex act and we only do the rubbing once or twice a week, if I am in good mood and if she is receptive; which makes sex more like a liability than something enjoyable. Some of you who had vivid sexual power in the past will relate to what I say; between the ages of 15-25 I was able to get it up whenever I want and wherever I want. Having such kind of sexual power made me like a pornstar when I was with women and the women I have been with practically never rejected any of the things I asked from them, until 4 years ago.
My dad raised me as a strong man and I was quite the "ace" until high school. That was the time when I realized that being a lone wolf doesn't work, especially if you are having a conflict with a group of guys whom you think are inferior than you. That was the first time my manly ego was hurt, but it did not affect my erections, maybe it only placed some subliminal hints that I will realize later on.
A few years later, I knew from personal experience that when a woman hurtys your trust, you lose your erection. That happened to me when I was 21, but it was only with a specific girl who hurt my trust by flirting with a guy I knew behind my back (it was just flirting, I knew for sure but I was in love with her and never expected such behavior from her) and then it passed within a few months.
At the same time, my dad's finances got really shitty and I ended up studying at the best university of my home country, without any financial aid. Being raised as an ace, I rejected going to school on a budget and ended up being a vagabond. It was really charming at first, all the women were throwing themselves at me, I was masturbating maybe 3-4 times a day even after I had sex 3-4 times with a woman. It was extacy. However I had two realities in my head; the kind of girl you want to settle and the kind of girl you want to play with. These two realities never intertwined with each other.
Then, I met a Polish girl. She was on holiday and I was working, at a souvenir store. We spent one day together and she was hooked at me. After exchanging a few e-mails after she went back to her home country, we started talking on Skype. Then our long-distance relationship started; finances were broke, the girl was really beautiful and she was into me, so I said to myself why not.
She kept waiting for me to fix my finances and thus we spent 1.5 years on Skype. She was ready for me on Skype whenever I want, we were talking about practically anything, she was admiring my general culture, proficiency of English language, German language, she was adoring my nation and native language Turkish, she was adoring or admiring practically anything that is related to me. She came to Turkey twice and I decided that I can grow old with this woman. But there was a problem, we are talking about agirl who spent hours and days and weeks with me on Skype however, on her second visit to Turkey (After 2 years and few months), I received a message on my Facebook, which was sent by her "supposedly" ex boyfriend. He told in his message that "I heard that my girlfriend is with you, just to give you a tip, she likes it really hard and rough".
Looking back at time, I was really naive and stupid but I just believed that her love could be true so my world was devastated. Now I was penniless, a college dropout with a bankrupted father and the love of his life who cheated on him, most likely more than several times so that dickhead got my name and surname and got the courage to send me a message on FB.
She cried, begged me, kissed my feet, carressed my hair when I was sleeping but it was over for me. She spent one more day with me and I kicked her out. Anyways, remember that two realities I told you earlier, this was the first time those feelings intertwined. I wanted to see her being gangbanged, humiliated, spitted on and whatever you could imagine. This gave me a sadistic pleasure and I kept masturbating on the thought and then, in order to get revenge, I started talking on line with her to make sure she will obey my sadistic side, but of course she was clever enough to realize what I was trying to do. Eventually she deleted and blocked me from all platforms after realizing that all I wanted was revenge.
Then, I decided to take revenge from women from now on and also from weak guys and father who raised their daughters this way. I met many cuckolds, incests, I was receiving 10 messages a day as a bull for these weaklings. It was ecstatic, I was receiving both mental and physical orgasm from masturbations. Then, I met a girl online, fooled her that I was ready to love and yet have the naughty side etc. She quickly fell, telling me all kinds of nasty fantasies of hers, most of which were unspeakable. Lets say a group of men was the most innocent one. Please bear in mind that I live in Turkey and despite we live a modern life, we still have the moral codes of generation X or baby boomers sleeping somewhere deep in our consciousness.
So I kept digging deep inside her brain and she told me that making me watch her getting fucked by another guy would be a thrill. Think of the rage from my previous relationship and that hit the spot; she was ready and willing to humiliate herself in the most vile way and that made me feel ecstatic and I wanted her to open up more about this fantasy but when she realized that I was disgusted by her after ejaculation, she quickly started rejecting this fantasy of hers and our sexual communication decreased to a level where I was pushing her to open up and she was trying to hide her fantasies from me (after some digging on her personal accounts, I realized that she was into all kinds of nasty BDSM, group, bestiality etc. with just random guys but that was only cyber sex and fantasy because she was a virgin until she met me). That only fueled my revenge and I cheated on her. I cheated on her and after 15 days of hooking up with both girls at the same time, I broke up with her saying that its not her but its me.
During these 15 days, I felt shame and remorse for not being honest with both of the girls and I started having problems getting it up, not severly though; it was only felt by me. I dated with the other chick for 3 months and we split up because I was jeaolus of her and she told me "how can you be so jealous while not being able to guarantee a future for me?". That was another punch in the guts and that emotionally buried me six feet under. I did not know what to do. Being so broken hearted and still being called by the previous chick every once in a while, I made another mistake and got back together with her.
Of course curiosity got the best of me and I asked her whether she had any "online lovers", she told me that she was talking to one of them. Anyway, now I was only able to get it up when she was talking about nasty things and started giving me vivid details of how a specific vulgar guy was making her cum and how much she wanted him to fuck her. That was becoming more and more ecstatic and I was not able to penetrate her without hearing about these details. Eventually we broke up with her and that's when ED became a major problem for me.
Being raised as an "ace" now replaced itself by withdrawing myself from real woman, by fears of performance anxiety and hurt feelings; thus I moved towards somewhere safe, online chat rooms in which I could be a softcore fantasy cuckold to make sure I get the erections I wanted.
That went on for a year or so until I had another relationship, sex was good, also not as rigid as I used to have but still I was able to get it up whenever I wanted except for our first encounter. In the second encounter, I used Viagra but then it was magic, our second encounter has beaten my performance anxiet and I was nearly completely healed. Well, I dug deep once again and realized that she also cheated on me and thats when I started using drugs (mainly LSD and MDMA). Believe me guys, this is the worst thing you should do in that state.
As I withdrew myself from women, I started developing homophobia, "why am I running away from women" and these thoughts emerged when I was high. Believe you would never want to live such a trip, then it turned out that my best friend at the time, with whom we used drugs, was bisexual. Being the inquisitive and knowledge hungry guy I was, I really started to wonder whether I could be secretly gay and started having the fear of being passive gay since I couldnt get it up. That was my worst fear, being gay... I needed to find a way to get it up but I fucking couldnt.
I tried to have one night stands with viagra or with drugs but with existing performance anxiety, I just couldn't and one of the girls, who knew me back then, told me that I might have turned gay because I couldn't get it up and I just spend time with my boyband all the time.
I hated her, I hated life, I am not even able to establish friendly relationships with other guys either from fear of them being gay or them thinking that I could be gay because I wasn't into hitting on girls, spending time with call-girls or going out girl-hunting and such. All I did was having friendly and intellectuals conversations with people I knew from my past.
In the meantime, for the last seven years, I did have sleeping disorders due to my job as a freelancer. I was awake for 20 hours and then slept for 15 hours. This also hurt my feelings of self-sustainibility because I wasn't also able to wake up in the morning by myself.
With all these insecuritites, all I could do was running away from women, running away from gay people, refraining from establishing relationships with new people and masturbating with a semi-erect dick with women on phone, from whom I wanted them to roleplay as my adulterous wife.
Then I met a girl now. We are together for 2 months. I was unable to get it up in the first few times. First, she told me that she was a virgin and she wanted someone who could fuck her for hours, then she said she saw the clean-hearted guy in me and is willling to wait for me. Well, we were able to do the grinding or other things more than a dozen times but a solid rock erection without Viagra happened only once in our relationship, of course she does not know about Viagra.
Well, after too many experiences with different woman; the truth is I realized that she is just a confused girl who wants a macho type Alpha male, who I was and who present myself to be and I quit masturbating. She made me cum (either with or mouth or by grinding) maybe 4 or 5 times during the last 15 days and I never came masturbating in that time period.
Now, my question to you all is; 15 days without masturbation is a first time thing for me in my whole life but I still have problems getting it up without Viagra. The problem is despite the fact that I opened up to her about the majority of what I told you here she still feels offended when I can't get it up and gives me hints about me being inadequate, which really pressures me and makes me want to go down the rabbit-hole of cyber cuckolding with girls I met online in the past. I don't want to do that, I would never share my girl with anyone, I would never accept being cheated on but I am in a fucked up way and I can only have semi erections.
After 15 days, I started having random semi-erections but still feel that I won't be able to perform. The problem is, when I take Viagra and sleep, I get rock hard but it goes limp after I wake up. Same thing happens when we try to change positions or when I lose focus and such and I just want to have sex with her in a kind and not kind of dirty way, which is something I can't.
Another thing about cuckolding fantasy is that, very occasionally I get fully erect but only when I sense that the female I am talking to is only giving subtle hints about cuckolding and she is not into a one-time play but more like turning me into her husband, for real. In that case, I get fully erect and fully aroused but it would take only a few strokes for me to cum since I am pushing myself too much. When I do not give those strokes, I once again lose my erection.
Is there anyone who can help me or who can similarize his situation with mine, I just want to hear good news man, I don't want to end up being lonely or I don't want to end up being a cuckold. Your advice is appreciated.
Best
