Malando - getting started.

malando

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Hi all, I've just started to find out about all this porn addiction stuff. To be honest I didn't even know I had a problem until I clicked on a link about porn addiction and had a read. It has certainly been a real eye-opener to understand what my behaviour has been like and what it might lead to. So, to sum up my story:

I'm 43. I have always been very sexually minded. Since the age of 10 or 11, I've been masturbating most days. I was very skilled at fantasy scenarios up until the age of 18 when I was finally able to get my hands on X-rated magazines. Eventually the internet age arrived and I've lived on a steady diet of porn for a good deal of that - even when I've been in relationships. I always assumed that it's just because I'm just very sexual. I had never heard of dopamine addiction and its association to erotic images. I have used porn to get myself revved up before an encounter with my girlfriends. All very secretively of course.

I have had a couple of instances when I did have trouble getting aroused with a new partner. I put it down to performance anxiety because it only happened on an initial encounter and was overcome on the next attempt. I have not generally had trouble getting erections when I'm very attracted to a girl,but I have often used fantasising thoughts about other women to reach orgasm. Sometimes even gay sex scenes have caught my interest because they are more forbidden to me. It didn't use to bother me, but recently it has. It makes me feel quite distant during sex - which is the opposite of what I want to feel. I want to feel like I'm revelling in my partner's body and reactions. Instead, I'm thinking of somebody at work or an image in my mind. Usually it's a real person I know, but occasionally it might be a picture I have got from somewhere, probably the internet. Even worse is that lately I even imagine my partner in erotic situations with other men. It feels like I'm degrading her when I think this way - I only do it to reach orgasm. It seems like I need this extra push to get me there. It's this realisation that led me to examine whether I had a porn issue.

So since then, I've been reading up on the subject. I started with the YBOP website and found my way here. I have since deleted all the porn off my computer - about 4 GB of images and videos. I haven't looked at a P website at all for a week. It feels strange - I'm used to the release of at least one orgasm every day, but I've only had two in the last week - one with my partner, one with myself. When I get sexual thoughts or if I do masturbate, I'm trying to drag my thoughts immediately back to real life sexual thoughts about my partner - rather than allowing myself to think of other girls. I definitely have had a drop in libido this week. I did find my mind wandering several times when I had sex and when I masturbated. It was really a challenge to get my mind back on my partner.

I'm still reading up on this subject and trying to work out exactly where my problem sits on the spectrum. I know many people will say I shouldn't masturbate, or even have sex with my partner. There seems to be a range of views on this. Does anyone think it's ok to masturbate if my thoughts are strictly on my partner and not wild porn type imaginations? If it's only once a week or so? Or do I need to permanently give it up? How about sex with my partner? I know it would be very strange to her if I suddenly lost all motivation to have sex with her. I'm not wanting to discuss this with her, I want to handle it myself. She has enough on her plate with some family worries of her own.

Any comments or suggestions welcome!
 

malando

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Had a moment of weakness tonight. Out of nowhere, I just went googling for porn. I don't even know what prompted it, but it was very easy to slip back into it. I didn't actually enjoy the images this time. I guess because I've been doing so much reading on the subject of porn addiction, I now associate these images with harm to myself. I still got rock hard, but I didn't find it particularly pleasurable when I touched myself. I could sense that having an orgasm this way will be incredibly empty and that I'll feel like an idiot afterwards. So I actually stopped! I navigated away from the site I was on and got dressed. I think it's possible I'll never have that glorious feeling of loving pornographic images again. I think something has turned in my mind and it's now poisoned. This can only be a good thing for my recovery - although part of me feels a sense of loss about it.

Hopefully that'll keep me away from it for a while.
 
B

BlueSun

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There are a lot of opinions on where the boundaries lie for setting yourself up for a successful reboot.  Personally, I tried just masturbation with no fantasy only sensation.  I usually relapse a few days later. So I've gone hands off and no sex for at least 90 days.  Then I'm going to decide what's next.  Truth is I want to heal.

I've been using the counters to help me know who has the longer runs of abstinence.  The greater than a half year porn free group seem to have a lot of things in common in how they made it.  Read up, research and find your goals.  There are some very knowledgeable people here. And there are a lot of people not quite ready to do what it takes to clean it up. 

Post often, find accountability partners, be honest with yourself.
 

malando

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Thanks, Blue Sun. You're right, absolute honesty with oneself is paramount. You can't fool around the edges of this thing.
 

malando

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I can definitely feel the addiction-withdrawal feeling already. I know the feeling from having had a sugar addiction. Your brain keeps returning to the theme whenever it can. I don't want to look at porn, but I do keep wanting to feel the dopamine reward of orgasm. I want to MO but actually my body doesn't want to without the stimulus of either my partner or porn. My brain feels staved of something. It is definitely a flat feeling. There's an anxiety around whether your dick still works, and whether you are allowed to make it work. Quite obsessive really. I wish I had known about this problem 10 years ago before I got so hooked. I could have written a trilogy of books in the time I've wasted on porn.

This is going to be a rough ride...
 

malando

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Feeling weak again tonight. Every instinct is pushing me to find some erotic material and let loose. Lucky I know I can't trust my instincts on this... It's definitely withdrawal symptoms. Gotta find a distraction.
 

malando

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Feels like nobody's around tonight. Wish there were a few people around to chat with. I'm concerned about having a relapse. Feeling that stirring feeling that leads to only one thing. Considering M just to avoid P. Dangerous talk, I know.
 

TK-421

Active Member
Stay strong. There is lots of information in these forums if you are ready to receive it and educate yourself. Learn about what is happening in your brain. Watch Gary Wilson's videos. Read William's threads. There is a wealth of information. Understand what your triggers are and remove them from your life. Understand that if you are addicted, you cannot control your porn use. If you let it seep in, the cycle just repeats itself. Learn to understand withdrawals and embrace them - that is your brain telling you that it is rewiring. The alternative is to go and have a quick jerk and keep going around and around in the same cycle. You need to decide what you want.
 

malando

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Thanks, TK. I resisted the temptation - decided to clean up the house instead of sitting around thinking about it. Crisis averted for now.  :)

BTW, I have been reading up a lot on the subject. Read almost the entire YBOP site. Haven't watched the videos yet. Will move on to them next crisis. I'm expecting to feel weak every couple of days at this stage - have to learn how to crisis manage.

Cheers.
 

camus

Active Member
Hey Malando, you're doing well just by being on this forum. Deep down within, your true self is not a porn addict. Always remember it is your brain that it addicted.

Obviously, I can only speak for myself, but my porn addiction was a symptom of a childhood experience which I had never been able to overcome. During the last 20 years I have been using porn, alcohol, drugs and nicotine to treat this childhood trauma without me even being truly aware of this. I have been on autopilot, self medicating whenever I needed to. I don't believe that addiction has anything to do with the drug. There are usually other issues that the addiction is being used to medicate.

I think if you can get to the root of why you are self medicating, you can overcome this for good.

Just some thoughts. I'm back to square 1 again, so maybe not the best person to give out advice :)

But you were kind enough to post something helpful on my thread, so I thought I'd return the favour.

Stay stong buddy!

 

malando

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camus said:
Hey Malando, you're doing well just by being on this forum. Deep down within, your true self is not a porn addict. Always remember it is your brain that it addicted.

Obviously, I can only speak for myself, but my porn addiction was a symptom of a childhood experience which I had never been able to overcome. During the last 20 years I have been using porn, alcohol, drugs and nicotine to treat this childhood trauma without me even being truly aware of this. I have been on autopilot, self medicating whenever I needed to. I don't believe that addiction has anything to do with the drug. There are usually other issues that the addiction is being used to medicate.

I think if you can get to the root of why you are self medicating, you can overcome this for good.

Just some thoughts. I'm back to square 1 again, so maybe not the best person to give out advice :)

But you were kind enough to post something helpful on my thread, so I thought I'd return the favour.

Stay stong buddy!

Camus, that response really touched me. Thank-you. You very much did return the favour.

It really resonated with me when you said this isn't my true self. I believe I am much more noble than this deep down. I just got caught in a proverbial web. I think I can trace my porn abuse to childhood events too. Not that it solves the problem, but it does help to understand how things got this far and what triggers/feelings might be associated with it. It's important to be nurturing to ourselves.

Keep fighting mate!
 

malando

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Crap, resorted to M today. Didn't look at P. Had to try hard to keep P images out of my mind and was largely successful at that, but part of me feels like I cheated and should reset my counter - even though my counter is for watching P. \

This addiction is a bitch! Feel crappy, but know I just have to get right back on the horse.
 

camus

Active Member
Hey Malando

Don't be too hard on yourself mate. Doing this has lead me back to full porn binges. You're only human and you are fighting a very powerful addiction - to porn.

Well done for not looking at porn!
 

Dharmabum

Active Member
Keep going.  Even when you stumble, struggle, or fall.  Keep going.  You're on the right path, my friend, even when you take a detour, you know the way back now.
 

RecoveryJunkie

Active Member
I really struggled to not M today. I had a dream last night and woke up with a semi. Far from a wet dream and very far from morning wood. I was feeling frustrated and really down tonight, especially after having dinner at my parents place. My brother in law made a coment that pissed me off. I didn't react but thought it was a rude comment to make about my gf. Then luckily I got called in to work for a bit so the home alone period when I was upset was diverted for means I'm thankful for that. Hang in the malando, keep fighting the good fight. I need you buddy, you get back on that horse and good job staying away from P
 

malando

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I had a dream last night that I went on a total P binge. So I saw some hardcore imagery, but it wasn't a choice I made. I won't include my subconscious dream as watching P! But it goes to show how deep this obsession goes. It's looking for a way back in - in any way it can...
 

malando

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Gabriel1960 said:

Hey G'

Just kicking back watching some football on TV. Keeping busy, planning a trip to China. Staying away from the bad stuff!

How you doing?
 

malando

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Feeling super horny today, but not to watch porn or M. I'm really craving my partner's body and to be close to her. I think that's a good sign. I'm hoping we get a chance to have some fun tonight. I resolve not to think about any other girl or image while we are together. I want to be totally hers.
 
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