Porn is NOT an Invigorating Sexual Health Elixir ?Overcoming My False Beliefs

April 23, 2019?(viewed porn today) I started to quit porn 4 years ago and have relapsed on average once a month. As soon as I feel my sexual energy Slowing down or entering flatline, I rush back to porn to invigorate my system. And in the very short term it works. I become horny again.  My penis becomes sensitive again. This cycle has consumed more energy than any other goal I?ve ever set in my life. After four years of trying I?ve never made it to 90 days without porn.

At the core is a subconscious belief that porn amps up my system and makes me more interested in sex. My sexual desire and pursuit of women  is an important driving force in my life, perhaps too important. Chasing women is a constant project that keeps me occupied and gives my life meaning. So when I quit porn for 30 or 40 days and my sexual energy starts to change it always panics me and it?s this phenomenon that I want to explore in this journal as I  try once again to make it to 90 days without porn stimulation.

For the last six months I?ve had an accountability partner through the Covenant Eyes software. This may be effective for some people, but for me it proved to be counterproductive because the accountability partner started to take on an authority figure presence in my life.  He never said anything aggressive or did anything wrong. But simply the fact that I had somebody out there watching me seemed to inspire me to  beat the system and Evade His monitoring of my Internet use. So whenever I had a chance to use a computer that wasn?t monitored or watch porn on a hotel TV I took the opportunity. For me having an accountability partner was extrinsic motivation and the only thing that?s going to get me to 90 days is internal motivation.

I?ve found that daily journaling is the most important tool for me in this addiction cycle. Daily writing helps me refocus on my own internal motivation For giving up porn.

The reason I want to give up porn is my desire to return to my organic state of sexuality. This is a state I have never experienced in my life because I?ve been watching porn since age 14. 23 years of porn. And  at this point in my life I don?t think I want to get married and have a family, which is a Very big life decision. Imagine if I am making that decision because of porn. What if porn makes monogamy and married life seem less attractive because my mind is so saturated with images of 19-year-old girls in my virtual harem.  I also have a girlfriend and when we have sex sometimes my penis is somewhat numb and I lose interest. Perhaps this is natural. Maybe that?s just what happens when we have sex three or four times per week, my body is tired. But what if my body is Desensitized because it expects constant novelty it learned from chronic porn use?

Society tells me that porn can?t possibly alter my desires and sexuality this profoundly. Maybe that?s true. Or Maybe that?s very wrong and science simply has not caught up with the realities of high-speed Internet porn on demand. What is absolutely certain is that I have to run my own personal experiments. I have to make it to 90 days and then 180 days and then one year without pornographic stimulation in order  to start observing my body?s natural sexuality and my body?s natural sexual response to being with real women. I personally do not know the effect that pornography has had on me because I?ve never lived without it. Maybe I make it to a year without pornography and don?t notice any real differences. Maybe everything changes. Maybe my penis become so sensitive that sex becomes more intense,  even when I am only having sex with one woman for multiple years. At the moment I can?t even conceive of doing that because I have to pursue sexual novelty by dating multiple women and dating women for short periods of time. Maybe that is just in my genetic make up but I will never know unless I make it for a significant amount of time without the influence of pornography in my sexual desires. Please post your thoughts. I?m going to be journaling here most days.

There are many triggers to my porn habit. Today I am stuck in a hotel in a foreign country with a horrible cold and fever and pornography was comforting and entertaining. And other times my girlfriend is coming to visit and because she lives in another city sometimes I don?t have sex for a month. And before her arrival I want to make sure my erection and sexual desire is as strong as possible  so I go back to pornography to wake up my system. Perhaps the biggest trigger is simply boredom. I realize that porn uses very often a symptom that you are not doing enough with your life. That you have too much time alone. Too much time at home and for the computer. Not enough time pursuing projects. Pursuing competition. Pursuing interesting social ties and economic wins. These are all the things  that make in man?s biology balanced. Competition, social standing, projects, nature, intense exercise.  I?ve noticed that pornography is a way of avoiding all of these much-needed but difficult endeavors. It?s always so much easier to get your satisfaction from opening up your laptop and lubing up your palm to masturbate to pixelated images of the kind of women you should be with In real life. Porn is also a way of dealing with pretty much any emotional need do you have. The need to be consoled. The need to be entertained. The need for  distraction from pain. Basically any emotional situation you find yourself, porn can help for a few hours just like alcohol and marijuana really. Porn helps you regulate your emotions states in a readily available dopaminergic well of self help.

Over the past four years of trying to give up porn I?ve learned a lot. The way I write it sounds like I am critically addicted to pornography.But I?m not. At my worst I watch pornography once a week and at best once per month. That is far less than the average man consumes almost anywhere in the world, especially in the United States. But in reducing my use to this level  it?s helped bring into focus the addictive nature of pornography. When you are constantly using porn every day or so you don?t realize it?s an addiction because you are always feeding your desire for it. But when you?re using it once per month you really start to pay attention to the craving which can get pretty intense at times and you start to listen to the rationalizations you?re addicted brain produces to get one more pornographic session. Your brain says, you haven?t watch porn in a month, you?re making great progress, you can enjoy a little bit of pornography today because you are using it so rarely you can?t have a negative affect on you. You deserve it, today has been stressful, you need it to sleep. The Addicted brain rattles off countless rationalizations like these and this whole debate is happening in your brain really intensely on top of the feelings of nervousness, the subtle anxiety it starts to build up when you don?t have porn to release your normal addicted cycle of sexual energy. 

In this Journal I will not count days. I realized that is counterproductive Because I put so much emphasis on specific day counts that I lose track of the larger meaning of this project. Which is returning to my organic sexuality and filling my life with enough endeavors and activities that porn seems increasingly like a waste of time.I will simply state the date and then whether or not I viewed pornography. Or whether or not I viewed softcore edging material like YouTube, Instagram or Google images. Or when I had a day that was 100% clean.
I realized that softcore edging material is a sure fire path towards pornographic relapse. Even if I start off one day looking at models on Instagram that I may very well know in real life. The next day I return, a few days later I search for some sort of models or actresses on YouTube and within a week I inevitably return to pornography. The day-to-day battle happens with soft core edging material. Never convince yourself that actresses  bare butt  Instagram photos  are not a problem. Every relapse I have ever had in the past four years began with some sort of innocent seeming edging material several days before. Those images wedged themselves in my consciousness, caused sexualized dreams and daydreams and inevitably built towards porn within just a few days or weeks even but I could always trace a relapse back to softcore edging material. Therefore the two tenants of this  no porn project for me  Will be daily journaling to emphasize and keep  clear my motivations as well as a strict policy on edging material such as Instagram and YouTube and Google image searching and Netflix. All of these things stimulate my pornographic addiction sometimes for months and months without actually viewing pornography but always keeping me very close to viewing porn.  Edging material is the enemy to anyone trying to give up porn.

April 24th, 2019 ( 2nd porn binge day).  Waking up after my porn binge yesterday I feel a complete lack of sexual energy. In some ways that?s comforting and calming because there is no energy seeking release. It means there are no women to pursue, I can focus on other things. I don?t feel any anxious motivation to get out there and swipe on tinder or chat up  girls in the hotel lobby. A porn binge it means you are taken care of and don?t need anybody else to satisfy your needs. Like most men I find dating frustrating at times and porn is a way to avoid the whole complex mess.  After a porn binge I don?t wake up with morning erections for  several days after, a clear sign that my body is sexually exhausted by the artificial stimulation. I miss the invigoration of that sexual energy, but I also recognize it Is comforting to be able to satisfy my sexual needs alone without needing anything from any flesh and blood woman.

I?m still sick in my hotel in a foreign country and started the day off ready to be porn free but by afternoon boredom and impulsivity got the best of me and I went back for a couple hour porn session to pass the time. My logic was that I will start my porn free streak when I?m done being sick and bored and when I?m out of this hotel room doing things. Porn certainly helped pass the day away , I accomplished nothing. Read nothing, didn?t work on my music, didn?t even watch an interesting movie which I could?ve done. And tomorrow I really got to get my strength back, re-install my Internet filter and move towards a month porn free. I really need it right now. I really need to give my brain and sexuality arrest from all this porn stimulation.

Porn is an amazing virtual medication for a variety of life?s anxieties and  demands. Every day our DNA compels us to replicate ourselves sexually. Only the need for food, Water, and security is more powerful.  The bodies constant drive towards  sexual replication is a burden in many ways. Sometimes we just want to go for a hike, pursue our hobbies, ride a bike.  But there is always this constant nagging voice to seek out sex. You can try to suppress it, like the Catholic clergy, but it always resurfaces in one way or another unless you face it directly. So pornography is really quite profound. It gives you a way of taking care of an incredibly powerful biological necessity. Sure, men have the ability to masturbate  throughout human history which I?m sure they did vigorously. But masturbation without pornography never really takes care of your desire to sexually reproduce. It always seems like a very  incomplete release. Meanwhile, an hour of high-speed pornography combined with masturbation seems to take care of the sexual desire almost completely for several days, at least for me. So literally pornography and masturbation combined is a very profound activity. Perhaps the equivalent of eating some sort of food that  fills you up and takes away your desire to eat without offering your body any calories. You would die quickly from such a opportunity. So it?s clear that pornography is not merely  an innocent , Insignificant issue. It?s altering the expression of a core biological imperative. Realizing the importance of pornography is a key motivation  in giving it up. As soon as you start to believe that pornography is no big deal, giving it up becomes very difficult because it is so pleasurable and who doesn?t want to pursue something that is pleasurable and no big deal? So for me at least, recognizing that pornography is subverting a primary life force  is incredibly important. The same could be said about masturbation in general, but I don?t think it?s related much at all. When I masturbate without pornography it feels like my body is simply letting off fluid pressure and my sexual energy recovers within 48 hours.  It also was a readily available activity throughout human evolution. As our brains developed millions of years ago, early hominids undoubtedly masturbated so my body is tuned for that. But high speed pornography clearly overwhelms my body?s delicate pleasure and reward Circuitry. I feel that deeply. I feel that today as I start another attempt at making it towards 90 days without any artificial sexual stimulation. Comments are welcome.

April 25th, 2019 (day 3 porn binge)

Waking up after a two day porn binge I feel a complete lack of sexual energy. It?s a very empty feeling, almost like no pleasure and no pain. Just kind of incredibly neutral. If my girlfriend were here with me at this hotel there?s no way I would be interested in sex. And if I were trying to flirt with a new woman there?s no way I would have enough sexual drive to go over and start up a conversation. This is life after intense pornographic stimulation.  Today I?m not sick anymore But I?ve been in bed for A couple days now with some kind of respiratory illness?-And being homesick is one of the times when porn is especially useful to me to pass the time and I almost say, I deserve it since I am sick and in bed which is just pathetic justification of an addicted mind.  I?ve learned the brain plays very interesting strategies to get at the  substance it?s addicted to. Like it just shoots up 50 rationalizations per minute and see if the frontal lobe of the brain buys into any of them. It?s like the brain is saying, just one more time, no, OK, the girl rejected you, no, OK, well you are sick so you probably deserve to relax with a little porn, no, wait yes!  It?s fascinating and I can?t imagine what people go through who are addicted to heroin and opioids, the voices in their head is telling them to go seek out another hit must just sound insane and repetitive. Few people can escape heroin addiction, but luckily I?m only addicted to porn and people say it?s probably about as difficult to give up a smoking cigarettes. So this is something I can do and putting aside all of the benefits of being porn free,  I have to do this just to prove to myself that I can make determinations and set goals and stick to them. Tomorrow I?m starting a hard mode. Without any sexual stimulation or masturbation until I get over this binge after my illness. I think masturbation without porn can work in the long term but right now it?s just going to be a trigger and I?m shocked at how much of a trigger Instagram is. Even the few girls I have in there taking selfies seems to trigger intense desire for porn.  I?m going to delete it right now. I have it on my iPad which I will use for direct messaging on Instagram but I don?t carry it around all day so I?m going to be using Instagram much less. I Instagram is useless. Even when I am not following girls it constantly throws up images of girls because it knows I?m a man and like girls. It?s a wicked little algorithm, designed to draw you into anything that might catch your interest. I think Instagram is the enemy of porn recovery to be honest and I might very well delete it but because of my business I do need it for direct message.

The last time I made it to 30 days without pornography I felt great. I felt bold and confident and happy and it?s time to do another 30 day experiment and journal my change of emotions and sexual energy. This morning I had no morning erection. No little burst of sexual energy pushing me out of bed to face the day. I think that little Morningwood is a beautiful wake up Call.  And with porn its gone.

I?ve used porn for 23 years with very little consistent abstinence. When I say something like this I think the average reader would discount my analysis by saying, well that man is really an addict. Good thing I don?t have that problem. But wait, during my worst phases I admit to using porn probably every other day but for the most part this is been a weekly habit and when I am consciously trying to  give up porn i usually use it every few weeks. One session every few weeks. I think if most men in the developed world are honest with themselves they use porn more frequently than that. So I encourage my readers to be honest with themselves if they are discounting my analysis as the musings of a severe addict in order to psychologically distance themselves from the truths that I am reporting. I think my level of addiction to pornography is the case for the majority of American men. Isn?t that insanity? Internet statistics would show that my use of pornography is now the norm for American men. Crazy. So let?s not discount My experience as an outlier.

I?m 37 years old and I am very much attracted to girls who are about 20 to 25. I?m fine with that for my moral perspective  and I reject all the societal comments about it being creepy or that I?m somehow taking advantage of youthful girls.  As long as I treat all women with kindness and respect and uplift them no one can argue that they would be better off dating 20-year-old boys. Honestly I think most of that negative commentary comes from older women who are facing their own sexual attractiveness decline.  And so they lash out against something to sublimate their own frustration. But I will say that dating people so young has implications for commonality and spiritual connection.  Sometimes younger women just haven?t developed the depth of personality that truly attracts me on the long term. And I wonder if pornography has shaped my attraction towards younger women. It?s not at all clear because older men have been pursuing younger Women since the beginning of time. I strongly agree with laws protecting minors from dating older men, but once it involves two consenting adults  I think human history supports the idea that men should not feel guilty for being attracted to younger women and I don?t. But I would like to know if my attraction to them is biological and organic or if pornography has shaped it by the way younger women (of legal age) are presented In such irresistible form by pornographers.Would my sexual preferences drift towards women who are older without the influence of pornography? Would that preference make my dating life more fulfilling?  Perhaps 20 years of viewing pornography has permanently changed my preference and I will never know. But I have to believe that even after a year without the influence of pornography my sexual desires would start to drift back to their natural inclination as my sexual sensitivity increased. So this has real implications for my quality-of-life. It seems like a critical motivation for getting rid of digital sexual stimulation from my life. Perhaps I will always find a 20-year-old woman more attractive than a 30-year-old woman. But if my sexual sensitivity is heightened by Eliminating pornography  it seems that I should be able to have a very satisfying sexual relationship with women in their 30s which I define  as regularly desiring sexual contact with her and being carried away by a pleasure during sexual contact. At this point I?m not really capable of that because I need sexual novelty and women in their 20s to be stimulated like that.  As I move into my 40s in the next five years dating women in their 20s will become increasingly difficult and if I?m going to have any romantic satisfaction at all I need to maximize my sexual sensitivity now in order to have any hope of enjoyIng  sexual relationships with women in their 30s.

And so that is the task today. To pull myself out of this porn binge and march towards Sexual health once again.

Hey man. I read most of your first entry.  You definitely have a strong mind, but that can work against you sometimes.
I am just about to turn 37.  Also using porn since about 14 years old. 
You know the answer. You defined it in your post.  If you want to test and truly experiment, then now is the time to look beyond 90 days, 180 days. You only really know one way of life right now.  Go see what the other side is like.  It is of course very difficult to let go of such a strong attachment as it plays a part in "WHO YOU ARE", but we both know that it's only who you are because of YEARS of creating habits and neural pathways in your brain. These neural pathways can change, and therefore you have the ability to literally change who you are.  The question is: Will you utilize your willpower and think BEYOND your habitual thoughts and feelings?  You are running like a computer program right now (as most of us are) and it's up to you to change that program and begin operating on a new one.  It ain't easy. And your body will be screaming at you to go back to being who you have been most of your life, but you want something different.. its obvious.  So that being said, go through the craziness. Be patient. Start climbing towards a new version of yourself, and align your actions with the blueprint that you have in your mind. 
Many things will change in your life including whether you continue to chase many women and not really care about a relationship. True connection is something every human wants, and that is currently not what you are seeking out.  You are seeking out immediate pleasure, and short term dopamine rushes.  I am only able to say all these things as I have been there.. I am there.  I am in the same boat as you, but I am studying these things and learning every day.  These old habits have been controlling us for years. It's time that we take back control and create the future and the destiny that we want.
Cheers bro and best of luck in everything.

April 26, 2019 (very clean day except for a few brief images)

I?ve gotten over my cold and fever which contributed to my three day porn binge and today I was out and about and had a clean day except for a Google search for a city I am traveling to that turned up some sexy images. But that was only a minute and it?s amazing how much better I feel today without  porn  even for just one day.

  Something I have in mind today is the difference between passive recovery and active recovery from a porn addiction. Passive recovery is when we recognize our triggers but do little to avoid them or change our responses to them. For example if I were to get sick again passive recovery is lying in my bed with my iPad desiring porn entertainment but white knuckling and hoping I don?t break down. Active recovery would have a plan and say if I get sick I?m going to download five non s dual movies from Netflix and select a book to read and then I?m going to put my Internet router in the closet and not plug it back in until I am better.  Active recovery has a plan. And active recovery anticipates triggers. For example, if I spend several nights in a row at home doing mindless computer research and work I know that at some point boredom and restlessness will take over and I?ll get a intense urge to google some porn. Passive recovery is hoping that I?m strong enough to resist the temptation.  Active recovery is saying while I?m recovering from porn addiction I can?t sit at home in the evenings. I?m going to sign up for a class no matter how annoying that sounds and get out each night until it?s time for bed. If I have work I absolutely need to do I will go to a coffee shop and do it until they close. That?s active recovery! Having a plan, choosing social activities over isolation.  Anticipating triggers and avoiding the situations that lead to porn Temptations.

Another thought I had today Is how difficult relationships  are. There are constantly things to work out, discussions, plans, active listening skills and arguments. Relationships are a roller coaster ride. But without them you?re kind of a loner. And everything about human anthropology suggests we are social creatures meant for close connections, especially with family and romantic partners.  So relationships are difficult and often I just want to run away from them because life is so much easier as a single dude without a care in the world. But that?s not usually the best approach to life. We need relationships even if they are only brief and not lifelong. And I was thinking just how important sexual response and orgasm is to help solidify a relationship between two people who often  are frustrated with each other and having to work through some kind of disagreement or compromise. It?s a miracle that our body produces sexual desire and orgasm as a means of drawing us together despite all the difficulties of human relationships. The last few days when I had porn masturbatory orgasms they were very intense because of the long build up one can achieve with a couple hours of porn. And today my sexual desire it?s pretty much satisfied and I don?t need a human woman for anything really. Oh but without that call to connect to the human female and all her complexities, what am I missing out on in terms of affection and support and intimacy? I think the danger of porn  mixed with masturbation is that it satisfies your need for connection and nullifies the power of sex and orgasm to really connect you to somebody fully and be dependent on them for your sexual pleasure. I think masturbation without pornography is just never as intense as real sex or pornographic masturbation, so masturbation without the porn just always feels like letting off steam, it never deeply satisfies your desires, but three hours of porn and multiple orgasmsx? for me anyway and I suspect most of you, that is enough to satisfy me. At least for a day or two I need nothing from a human female. That?s liberating to not need anything from somebody else, but it?s also very dangerous emotionally because we are wired for that connection and if you satisfy your sexual longing artificially with pornography in HD on your crystal clear MacBook Pro ?- you are subverting billions of years of sexual evolution that  works in synchronicity with balancing your other emotional Mechanisms in your brain. And it?s very much like the dangers of consuming purified sugar. Your body loves sugar Because it only existed in relatively small and diluted amounts in nature but once you purify it out and eat that, you can give yourself diabetes within 10 years and be marching towards an early death. I think pornography is essentially stripping the most stimulating part of our sexuality off from all the fibrous vitamin packed meat of the fruit so to speak?-And in this case the result is not diabetes but something far more complex, an inability to be fully attracted and stimulated to sex with a human partner and the subsequent handicapped emotional attachment mechanisms.

April 29, 2019 ( clean for the past three days )

Reporting in. The past three days have been good. I?ve only caught a few  glimpses of stimulating imagery on Instagram and a dating app, but overall I turned them off within a few seconds and kept strong. I?m especially vigilant for those kinds of images these days because after many relapses I?ve realize that the slide to pornography begins with extremely innocuous imagery that start stimulating your pornography desires day by day and eventually builds up over the course of a couple of weeks into softcore, Netflix softcore, YouTube and once you hit a weak point, porn is right around the corner.  Meanwhile if you stay strong and don?t entertain any stimulating imagery in any program,  even Game of Thrones right now. It?s the easiest way to stay strong.

I?ve also realized how much boredom and restlessness play into relapse.Once you recognize that you were sitting around playing computer games or just doing not much of anything in your private space, you have to get outside and go for a walk or go to the gym and just generally get out in society which I think is the best antidote to porn relapse.

May 1, 2019 ( clean for the past few days nothing to report )

I discovered a fascinating community on YouTube of people describing their addiction to drugs like methamphetamine and heroin and ecstasy. They talk about how the addiction felt, why they keep going back to it. It?s absolutely fascinating. Rarely do we hear about the things people love about their drug of choice because of all the anti-addiction information that leads.  If you?re interested just search for what does meth  addiction feel like. Absolutely fascinating narratives.

One meth addict Said ?when I was on a binge it was just me and my drug in my room for  days and I didn?t care about anything else?.... he also talked about after each binge how he swore that he would never use it again but is soon as he started feeling down or stressed out the idea of more drugs became irresistible. I?m sure meth is a harder addiction than pornography but the way he was speaking about it really reminded me of some of my own internal battles with pornography. When I quit I say it?s the last time and then once I have insomnia or stress using pornography seems like a quick way to basically cancel out all of my negative emotions For a few hours and that exit from reality is very difficult to resist. I convince myself that pornography will invigorate my sexual system and make me horny for the girls in my life. Because of how arousing pornography is I associate it with increased virility and energy, it?s very hard to associate it with the feeling that comes days after  PMO. The feeling of indifference to sexuality, lack of motivation and confidence, it is the exact opposite of the surge of energy you get during a pornography session when everything seems invigorated and alive.  So truly when it comes to the human brain there is only one type of addiction, one pattern of addiction whether your drug of choice is a substance, behavior, or whatever it might be. The brain plays the same tricks on us because the substance has hijacked our thinking. If you think about it any addiction relies on the availability of a reward  that is not available in the natural world. As humans evolved 50,000 years ago, what was around to become addicted to? Name one thing. There wasn?t enough women around to have a true sexual addiction. There was no digital video games or pornography. There was no highly refined caloric foods. There was no gambling. Literally you could possibly develop an addiction to drinking water or making flint tools or searching for wild game to hunt. Perhaps on  rare occasions you could become addicted to fruit in a particularly warm spring, but very quickly the fruit was gone and the addiction subsided. So literally addiction is the results of readily available rewards that our body thinks will help us survive because it is still operating with 50,000-year-old hardware. This is a very important thought to me when it comes to pornography because our sexuality specifically this is a social impulse. And because of this it is very critical to our emotional well-being to have healthy, organic sexuality in our lives.  It brings us closer to human females, it makes us tolerate Their moods and the difficulty of finding a suitable female mate, all those things are difficult but you keep pushing forward because of the promise of sexual rewards in that system is very delicate and if you hijack it with an artificial easily obtained reward like pornography you are Dulling your natural instinct to seek out the human female and establish the needed social connections with her and her social network. I think a lot of us believe that our brains are more resilient and we can use pornography and still have our natural instincts basically intact. Is that really true? Sometimes I really want a glass of orange juice or an apple. If I?m thirsty and it?s a hot day my body just cries out for fruit. But let?s say I was to drink and eat ounce glass of orange juice and eat an apple. That?s a lot of fruit and my body is pretty much done. So all the dopamine I felt in seeking out the fruits and the serotonin I enjoy  enjoyed after consuming it has been released and if you come up to me and say would you also like to have a Keewee and some strawberries. I?m going to feel pretty  indifferent about that additional fruit and if you also told me I had to do a hard work and face rejection and embarrassment Possibly to get that fruit, like many men often face when pursuing the female of their choice, why on earth would I go through emotional pain to get out a fourth piece of fruit that I barely want with all my heart. I think if you do this experiment with yourself and start to take note of how quickly your desires are satiated you will start to realize the danger of satiating your sexual impulses artificially.

May 3, 2019 ( clean except for one brief porn exposure)

I?ve had a good couple of days with pretty close to zero artificial sexual stimulation. I was at a friends house yesterday and he was showing me his virtual reality set up with his computer. He is a video game designer and has the best equipment. I was blown away by how realistic the experience is. It?s gotten to the level where it really tricks your brain about where you are. He asked me if I wanted to see some VR porn and I said OK because I was extremely curious about the experience and I was pretty sure that being around another guy wasn?t going to turn into some sort of porn relapse on my part.

He showed me a couple of seconds of virtual reality pornography with top-of-the-line VR  equipment and even though the technology is in its first iteration and the pornography filmed it is with early virtual reality cameras, let me tell you, the experience is absolutely engrossing and I think it?s going to plague a generation of men that come after us. A lot of the experience is the sound and ability to move around the woman using head motions. Also the pornographic imagery is just much closer to you and feels huge !when you?re looking at a laptop the woman is probably 6 inches tall but when the same porn actress is in your virtual reality goggles she appears much closer to life-size if that makes any sense. You are sensing her to be somewhere between five and 8 feet tall I would say based on scale.

  I only watched for about 20 seconds because I thought it was a good opportunity to see what virtual reality porn was like without the danger of relapsing because my friend was there and we were basically joking about it. So I?m grateful for the opportunity to see what virtual reality porn is like briefly and with a chaperone so to speak.  I do need to be careful in the next few days because those porn images might cause a real relapse but like I said I think it was important for me to see what virtual reality porn is because I have often talked about how dangerous it will be for the next generation of men. I think it?s extremely dangerous. Imagine pornography so advanced that when you move your head towards the woman?s mouth she kisses you and if you stand up and thrust your penis at her face she starts giving you a blowjob And using bio feedback gloves if you pull out her hair her head tilts back. These interactive pornographic images are coming very soon and the level of stimulation it will provide to your brain is going to be off the charts. Combine that with some sort of fleshlight  that stimulates your genitals hands-free. Truly this is going to become so realistic in the next 10 to 15 years that male sexuality will change drastically. Why put up with all the difficulties of dating when you can have a virtual lover At your command.

It?s even possible that the female in the virtual reality porn will be computer generated so that you can interact with her in real time, you can have a conversation with her, you could ask her what she wants to do sexually and she will have an answer and respond to you and listen to you speak. Though at your command. It?s even possible that the female in the virtual reality porn will be computer generated so that you can interact with her in real time, you can have a conversation with her, you could ask her what she wants to do sexually and she will have an answer and respond to you and listen to you speak.  It will be very difficult to resist this experience and I have to be honest that until yesterday I thought it was much further off than it is but when I was playing games in virtual reality and watching a few seconds of very rudimentary virtual reality porn I realized how engrossed in this experience will be in the very near future and how important it is to gain complete control over your use of digital sexual stimulation and digital sexual imagery now while you have the chance, especially if you were younger.

Personally I have struggled with pornography for over 20 years, and most of that time  I didn?t even realize I was struggling, but as a 20-year-old college student I would masturbate to porn every other day to help with the stress of homework and that constant satiation meant I didn?t spend a whole lot of time pursuing females and it took me several years beyond that to even really start dating. I think all of this makes a conversation about porn addiction very important for men because it really is a social health crisis. I think that  people often joke that there is so much porn in the world that the porn production studios can stop working. But the truth is although two dimensional porn probably has reached it?s maximum impact as far as availability and high definition, the real frontier is in virtual reality porn. And it will be expensive, given the amount of data that will be needed I think companies will be able to password protect and charge for this content much more readily which mean  profits should be more protected than the current low profit porn industry typified by free porn tubes. I actually think at some point in the future I will have a mentoring role for younger men addicted to virtual reality pornography. It?s a bit strange to say this but I really think that men like us in our 30s now if we are able to gain the strength and get a hold of our own pornographic addiction  our wisdom and experiences will become immensely important for the next generation of men who are going to have a pornographic experience that is incredibly interesting and stimulating and addictive.

If I were to talk to a 14-year-old boy today about pornography I would probably say that he should look a few times to know what pornography is so the curiosity doesn?t take him by surprise one night when he?s horny and 22 or whatever. But I think The young man would have to understand a few basic truths. Critically he would have to understand and except his own neurochemistry as being a finally tuned sensitive mechanism that evolved to give him pleasure and rewards for pursuing and interacting with human females sexually. And he should also understand that as his brain evolved over millions of years generally only a handful of females were available to him sexually, maybe even one female for most of his life or a dozen or  The young man would have to understand a few basic truths. Critically he would have to understand and except his own neural chemistry as being a finally tuned sensitive mechanism that evolved to give him pleasure and rewards for pursuing and interacting with human females sexually. And he should also understand that as his brain evolved over millions of years generally only a handful of females were available to him sexually, maybe even one female for most of his life or a dozen or so Perhaps on average across all of human history, which is obviously difficult generalization to make but if you look at anthropology it would suggest that most men never had the ability for unfettered sexual access to a harem of females because they were closely guarded by other men and maybe the average male had sex with between one and 20 women in th perhaps on average across all of human history, which is obviously difficult generalization to make but if you look at anthropology it would suggest that most men never had the ability for unfettered sexual access to a harem of females because they were closely guarded by other men and maybe the average male had sex with between one and 20 women  in his entire existence.

I think the young man also has to understand that his pleasure and reward system was created for his survival, not for his pleasure.  And countless experiments show that anytime the brain perceives a reward as to readily available it begins to diminish the pleasure response for that reward. We get much less dopamine stimulation from the 20th chocolate chip cookie then we do for the first  chocolate chip cookie. And science supports this. So basically as soon as we have access to unlimited sexual stimulation through pornography we begin to diminish our sexual response to real human females. Relationships are difficult and relationships are important. Our sexual pleasure is one of the principal ways that we can maintain balance with human  females and one virtual reality porn is the option to take care of all of your sexual longing. Your ability to maintain fun, supportive, connected romantic relationships is going to suffer immensely.

Perhaps someday we will learn how to re-sensitize the dopamine reward system with drugs or some other kind of therapy but the truth is that virtual reality porn is a technology that is less than a decade into the future and manipulating Humin neurochemistry is not even close to  perhaps someday we will learn how to re-sensitize the dopamine reward system with drugs or some other kind of therapy but the truth is that virtual reality porn is a technology that is less than a decade into the future and manipulating human neural chemistry is not even close to Being a reliable reality.    Seeing 30 seconds of virtual reality porn yesterday open my eyes to how important the struggle is not only for myself but across society. I believe sexual arousal is a gift that helps us navigate life Because it draws us to human females and motivates us to continue to develop and cultivate our relationships with them. True even people that are horribly addicted to pornography still desire these relationships, but their motivations and sensitivities are forever altered making it harder for them to pursue these relationships organically.

That was an interesting yet unsettling post concerning the technological porn future that will soon be upon us. 

I enjoy reading your posts PH, but any chance of some paragraphs? Very hard to read in that format.

May 9, 2019 (no porn activity to report)

I?ve been traveling and working for a few days so I haven?t had time to think about women, the digital kind or the real kind. I walked into a hotel the other day and felt a surge of desire  to flip through the channels late at night, ostensibly to see what was on for entertainment, but I really knew that my porn habit flared up and that I was hoping there would be some sort of soft core on HBO. There wasn?t, thank God. So I went to sleep with that desire unsatisfied but very aware of it. Over the next few days I was too busy to seek out  Digital sexual stimulation but yesterday I went to get my haircut and the receptionist was absolutely gorgeous and just made me swoon. I woke up this morning with very hard morning erection.  The kind of morning erection that is accompanied by a surge of early morning testosterone that almost makes you shake and drive your self into the pillow. My addiction would have loved to take care of this pent-up sexual energy quickly by flipping through some sexy Instagram shots on my feed, a yoga video on YouTube, or perhaps even just straight hard-core porn.

But today I  repeated a new mantra. ?That desire, this energy, is for real women? I reasoned with my surge of energy for sex. I told it, your purpose is to make me connect with real women. I can?t explain it but I felt my internal desire surrender to this new rule. I felt this intense energy stand down so to speak, but it told me, this isnt over yet,  If you?re not going to satisfy me with porn and masturbation, then you owe me, you must go out and find a woman.    And for the first time in a long time when faced with this intense sexual energy, I felt some internal harmony.  Neuroscientist firmly believe these days that our brain is a divided Organ. There is no evidence it is a single entity, so it?s very accurate to personify our sexual desire and our conscious brain as two separate organs having a negotiation. I think as porn addicts we have to assume our conscious cerebral mind that wants to give up porn is very Intelligent but fairly weak where has our animalistic brain that wants sex is very strong but very dumb. That part of my brain doesn?t particularly care if I use porn to satisfy it because he?s so dumb he doesn?t even realize the difference much between digital and real women. So my conscious  analyzing brain is Intelligent but fairly weak whereas our animalistic brain that seeks sex is very strong but very dumb. That part of my brain doesn?t particularly care if I use porn to satisfy it because he is so dumb he doesn?t even realize the difference much between digital and real women.  It?s useful to imagine two parts of your brain having a negotiation. The intelligent forward thinking but very weak cerebral mind and the 300 pound weight lifting sex drive with it?s very low almost retarded IQ.

When these two parts of your brain are in agreement, you can accomplish really wonderful things in life. If I took care of my sex drive with porn last night, there?s no way I would go back into that hair salon and ask the receptionist out on a date. But with this pent-up sexual energy I feel and the trembling morning erection I had this morning, there is a very real chance I would walk right in there and say something like.  Hey you know, I was in here yesterday and I think you were just really cool and there?s no pressure but I?m going to write down my phone number on this piece of paper because I would love to take you out on a date. I?m in a different city for work, so there?s a pretty low chance I will actually do that but let me tell you, I?m seriously considering it and That kind of boldness only comes from the retarded sexual part of your brain... and if that part of your brain accepts pornography as its satisfaction there?s less and less chance you?re going to do those bold things that could possibly change your life and lead to beautiful experiences as well as satisfy your sexual urges.

So when you feel sexual energy flare up inside of you and start to consider satisfying it with porn, or even softcore either on Instagram, YouTube or Amazon or Netflix, take a moment to reflect and say, this is only for real women. No exceptions.  Of course if you?re gay, you say this is only for real men, whatever same thing.

Very interesting thoughts, PH, thanks for sharing. A lot to ponder there.

Interesting thoughts. I'm of the mind that your sexual energy should be reserved for one woman - your wife. I think this properly focuses it, while allowing the rest of your life to remain uncomplicated from thoughts of trying to woo other women, or how you should date them, etc.

I think the animalistic part never is eliminated, but it is trainable. That's why working out is so important, because it filters your physical energy into something physical but non-sexual. Do you exercise much?

May 13, 2019 (viewed porn yesterday)

First, I hope you?ve all change your settings so you read the latest post on top. It?s very annoying to have to scroll through multiple pages to get to the latest post of someone?s journal.

I viewed pornography yesterday. The triggers were stress, living in a hotel for a week, isolation. Boredom. I?ve decided to take a new approach about this sort of relapsing. In the past I tell myself, bad, bad, how could you let this happen again. It?s going on like this for years and it?s time to take a new internal approach.

I?m going to accept that porn relapses happen from time to time. I?m not even going to count the number of days that passed. I?m just going to except that porn happens in my life and now I?m going to focus more intensely on the way I feel after a relapse and the energy that I?ve given up to satisfy the porn desire.Yesterday I felt a spark of electricity as women walked by me on the street, I woke up with a morning erection. I thought about sex during the day. Earlier in the week I was able to masturbate without pornography, only fantasy. And it felt good because my sexual energy had built up. Today I feel none of that. There?s a dull  feeling. Disinterested in sex, not thinking about women.  This frees me from the frustration of not immediately having any access to women but it also kills a certain zest for daily life. What?s the chance now that I?m going to flirt with a cute barista at Starbucks? Last night I experienced an hour of entertainment and pleasure from porn, but today there?s a price to be paid for that. And in the long term taking care of my desires with porn Kills my chances for boldness and action in meeting new women.

So today I?m not going to obsess about my day count or how many relapses I?ve had in the past year. I?m just going to accept, porn relapses happen,  so how does it feel? Does it feel great? Is there a price to be paid? What happens to my sexual energy? What happens to my penile sensitivity which I can gauge pretty accurately by letting a little water hit my penis in the shower. Typically after porn it?s fairly numb. The spark of pent-up sexual energy is gone.

I've read a few of your previous posts and I to had the issue where I masturbated only to avoid needing anything from a human woman.  Almost 2 weeks porn free I have adopted the mind set of not giving women on the internet unearned attention.  Even just browsing through pictures does that.  Your time and attention is valuable. 

I try to learn something I didnt know the previous day. I ll just Google something random. It can be anything to fill that void.  You dont have to become a master of whatever it is that same day not does it have to be "useful" your life.  It can be the most random useless subject ever.  Guess what it's new to you

I?ve watched a lot of porn over the past two months. I went on a trip abroad that didn?t meet my expectations and I ended up spending a lot of time alone in hotels waiting for flights. I got sick a few times. Then I had an extremely stressful real estate business deal with many nights in a hotel. I lost sight of my porn free goals  and started to believe that I deserved a little bit of porn to help me deal with all this stress in life. I think that is my main obstacle now. When life is going smoothly I feel empowered without porn, but is soon as disappointment strikes or stress or insomnia I turn back to it like a trusted bottle of Tylenol for a headache. 

Porn is an exit from unwanted emotions. It?s amazing how a couple of hours of masturbation going down the porn rabbit hole can obliterate any emotion for a while. I?ve tried some drugs and alcohol in the past and I think porn is equally powerful in its ability to cover up an unwanted  mental state. Disappointed by a girl and heartbroken? Porn can take it away for two hours. Stressed out over a business deal gone wrong facing financial loss? Porn can make it go away for two hours. But the problem is no underlying issue was addressed. You just manage to change your focus for a couple of hours and nothing gets better.  A big issue in my life over the past two years has been my low level of effort with females. I have pretty good luck with women honestly but I just haven?t tried at all lately.  And when my sexual energy is overflowing compelling me to reach out to a new woman, I have usually gone to porn to take the edge off. So I don?t need that woman. And yes the sexual energy will bubble up again in a week or so, but you don?t have to use porn that often to keep yourself lonely by subverting your sexual energy, your drive to Meat and seduce new women.

  I?ve spent a lot of time thinking about what the kind of pornography I routinely watch says about me. I tend to like the 18 to 21 category as well as massage porn. I haven?t been able to come up with any revelations about that but both genres just seem to  emphasize my unmet need for vibrant young feminine energy and nurturing... I was ill as a teenager and didn?t have any luck with women until My 20s. Perhaps this is why I prefer younger women in porn, but it?s hard to say since this generally seems to be a trend among the male porn viewing population.

Also I created a Time lock drawer in my house that locks with a timed padlock.  I?m finding some benefit in putting all of my technology in the drawer for 12 hours at a time and using an old cell phone I have that only has maps, email and messaging. It?s an old iPhone and I was able to install the needed apps and then put a parental lock on installation of any more apps using a technique I created where you close your eyes and randomly type numbers to set the screen time password.  This means the only way I can install new apps is by completely rebooting the phone which is a pain in the ass. I think it?s not just about blocking access to pornography on your technology. Part of the issue for me is the technology itself is an addiction, I can get pulled into the world of YouTube, Instagram, web browsing, and even though none of it is porn, it all feeds into my technology based porn habit which is essentially escaping from life in little ways because I?m not satisfied with the emotions the real world is currently offering me. So these 12 hour 24 hour technology brakes have been extremely useful, although I will caution people that as soon as the door pops open there is an intense desire to get online so you really need to think about preparing for your surge of interest  technology once you?ve been off of it for a day without access.


I?ve had some ups and downs romantically with a young girl I?m seeing. There?s been lots of talk about us traveling to see each other because she lives in a different city but each time the date gets nearer she cancels, gets distracted.  Each time I have decided to just not say anything and play it cool. Sometimes that?s appropriate but after several months of this I want to just confront her directly about it and MoveOn if necessary. But these emotional swings between excitement and disappointment have also contributed to some porn binges. I think remaining strong with women is important When you?re trying to give up porn. If a woman you are seeing or chasing is consistently disappointing you, it?s probably best just to call her out on it and be prepared to lose her. Because internalizing the disappointment and not addressing it seems to build up sexual imbalance,  where you feel impotent with women and sexuality. And what makes that feeling go away? Porn of course. So it?s important to maintain strong boundaries in romance.

I think journaling about pornography is one of the main tools I have that refreshes by resolve on a daily basis and I highly recommend it. It seems like when I let the journaling slip because I?m distracted, a Porn relapse is close at hand. Here?s a list of reasons I wrote down yesterday not to watch porn :

Reasons not to watch porn

1. Life is too short to throw away your powerful sexual energy on pornography. Use it to build identity and life stories, not puddled on the floor or in a paper towel. 
2. Despite 1000?s of hours devoted to it, porn has not left you with one good life memory whereas real women give you countless.  A porn memory is always just a memory of weakness, solitude, disconnection. 
3. Porn makes you less likely to find/seduce/connect with women because your sexual drive is obliterated by porn binges.  Usually for about a week.  A lost week when you could have met someone great.
4. Morning erections are a sacred wake up call to take action in the world.  Porn, which you used to believe amped up your sexuality, seems to kill morning erections.
5. Porn makes it more comfortable to be isolated socially.  Therefore you miss out on social connection in ways you aren?t even aware of.
6. With porn in your life sometimes inexplicably sex can feel numb, even with a hot very fertile girl.  You never have experienced sex without porn?s influence.  Time to grow into a new life experience.
7. It feels good to tell someone that you don?t watch porn because it poisons the male brain and is poison for relationships.  It?s feels better to have it be 100% true.
8. Porn kills motivation far beyond the search for sex.
9. Porn distorts your sexual appetite, sometime increasing it and sometimes decreasing it, both having a huge impact on your life choices and relationships.  If you choose to be with or not be with a girl for sexual reasons, huge life impact. 
10. Porn is always an escape.  Better to look directly at what you?re trying to escape from and solve it.  If not, issues go unadressed, temporally avoided and obliterated but left unsolved, eventually leading to depression.
11. Every time you fail in porn recovery you make yourself feel weak in setting and achieving any goal.  At 30, 60, 90 days off porn, you feel powerful.  5-4-3-2-1-Go.  Without porn this means something.
12. Porn makes it harder to be satisfied with a girls body after a few months because you are used to seeing just the right lighting and novelty in porn.  No girl is going to be perfect and porn makes it harder to be satisfied with her. 
13. Porn interferes with romantic love.  It evokes the same brain chemicals.  It makes it harder to swoon over someone in real life. 
14. While using porn you can become anxious easily after a few days with no porn.  This can lead to fights, anger, unbalance?
15. Porn leads to a strange brain fog when you can just stare at the wall and not take action.  Action leads to new interesting experiences, not starting at the wall.
16. Porn emphasizes sex in your relationships with women.  Sex is great but the relationship itself is far more impactful in your quality of life.  So let sex  take one it natural role, not one artificially prioritized by porn. 
17. The belief that porn amps up your sex drive is just false.  Real women do it better.  Porn temporally heightens sex drive but always always leads to PMO which kills it for a week or more.   
18. Sometimes porn has more of an arousal effect on you than women?head spinning warmth.  THAT IS A PROBLEM.  I believe it can change. 
19. Porn obliterates sexual energy which can be comforting because it means you don?t need a woman, but that robs you of intimacy and meaning in life.
20. Porn temporally obliterates your sexual energy which is a large part of your creative energy, important potentially life-changing projects are left undone.
21. Staying with one woman for a while might be the most healthy thing for you emotionally and porn makes it harder to be sexually satisfied with one girl.  Porn clouds your decision making in deciding to be monogamous or not.
22. Porn is distorting your romantic desires in ways you are not even aware of making it hard to settle into any relationship.  Given all your angst with women you don?t need porn brain re-wiring to be a factor.
23. Porn orgasms make you irritable.
24. Porn orgasms rob you of simple joy and make your mood flat.
25. Porn deadens your risk taking bold behaviors in finding new lovers.
26. Failing to keep your porn free goals makes you feel weak and powerless.
27. You can jerk off without porn if the urge gets overwhelming. You have a way of addressing the discomfort that allow you to recover sexual energy much faster.
28. An hour on porn causes your hands, back, shoulders to hurt because it is unnatural body position. 
29. Porn makes your penis less sensitive which means real sex will be less exciting and less connected and less transcendental, making relationship satisfaction/harmony more difficult.
30. Porn erases signals form your brain about things that you should change in your life, like idleness or isolation.  Porn fixes it for a few hours but the problems remains unaddressed and your brains signals to improve your life are ignored. 
31. Sometimes with any girl the sexual energy wanes.  That has huge implications for your life?s path, so let it be because of organic causes and not the influence of porn?s wiring your brain for novelty.  You can?t even watch the same porn girl for 30min without getting bored and seeking a new sight.  That impacts your real-life sexual decisions as well. 
32. Porn requires some secrecy in relationships.  It?s just something that requires more alone time and hiding.  Not constructive for intimacy. 
33. The desire for sexual release motivates you to maintain and repair relationship harmony.  That need for release is a driver for compromise, communication, humility, and peace because your body doesn?t want to give up its source of sexual release.  Porn erases that need at least temporarily distorting your relationship choices.
34. Porn requires escalation and novelty to remain interesting, something that is not available easily in the real world.  Therefore you are priming your brain to need something it cannot really have on command in the real world. 

Excellent post, PH! Very thorough, we'll considered, and totally true. With that attitude, you will succeed. Thanks for your contribution.

That's a great list, you've come up with. Looking forward to you posting regularly again and I'm wishing you all the best for your recovery!

The girl I?ve been dating for almost a year started seeing someone else last week and gave me a really crappy five word text to break up with me. Immediately I felt a surge of desire to go to porn to annihilate my need for human women at least for a few hours. Enough porn and you don?t even desire your ex-girlfriend, you can feel like  The indifferent guy you wish you were when a stupid girl uses you like her doormat. But I was able to resist the usual porn binge during this break up. I had the repeated thought that out there somewhere there is a young guy having sex with my ex-girlfriend, enjoying it thoroughly, and I cannot bring shame into my life by being the pathetic ex-boyfriend who is at home masturbating to his laptop instead of rising up  with pride and resolve to recover emotionally and go out and meet new people. Do you want to be the guy that gets dumped and head straight to his digital Prozac, his pornographic virtual harem? Or do you want to be the guy that gets dumped, feel sad for an adequate amount of time, and then move the fuck on to newer, sweeter romance with a real woman?

This is the right mindset.  Part of my porn addiction was due to a scarcity mentality.  Its dangerous for men to be hung up on one woman.  Yes we are in need of Feminine companionship and emotional connection.  We also should always have more than 2 woman on our "roster".  It keeps us honest and confident in our decisions.  Life happens people change there minds. 

Porn to real sex is like eatting pototo chips instead of sauteing a juicy steak.  Do the work and have a freezer full of steaks instead of a cabinet full of giant bags of chips.