Journey into consciousness

Hi all, the title of my journal refers to the scale of human consciousness in Dr. David Hawkins' classic book Power vs Force.  As I've been working on raising my consciousness, many aspects of my life have fallen into place and I truly am happier and more in control of things than I ever have been.  Except for one area - the dreaded porn!  This, along with junk food and alcohol, and a bit of social anxiety, are the last remaining weeds that must be removed from my otherwise starting-to-be excellent life.

I'm in my mid-30s and have attempted many reboots in the past.  My best results have been around 30-45 days.  I have a bad habit of binging when I relapse instead of trying to pick myself up.  Just ended a 3 week streak with another binge but am determined to pick myself up this time and continue on! 

Day 1
I really do feel great, even though I was up until 1.30am looking at trash.  Not even tired despite the lack of sleep.  This consciousness stuff is amazing.  No real cravings to speak of; perhaps a bit of curiosity about looking at some loose ends from last night but nothing I can't resist at the moment.  I really do feel like everything is just going to get better and better from here. 

Day 2

The tiredness hit me today for some reason, even though I had more sleep last night.  Feeling a small hint of grumpiness today but so much better than where I would have been in the past.  Still a few nagging loose ends from the other night's binge at the back of my mind, but nothing I can't control right now.  Also feeling like it's not worth the hassle to track all those things down and potentially find other loose ends to tempt me in the future - would rather just not bother at the moment.  Looking forward to the weekend but hoping I don't get bored and restless, as that's always a danger for me.

Congratulations on your new determination to battle p from your life.  Wishing you the best this weekend-stay strong !

Thank you for the welcome!!

Day 2 continued

Was working with a mildly attractive female colleague at night.  Noticed she was paying a lot more attention to me and generally being more positive/more interested in being around me than usual.  So it seems like I didn?t completely undo all the good from my 3 weeks of abstinence.  In fact I can feel that I didn?t because the desires have come back reasonably strongly already.  I was tempted to look at stuff at night and possibly would have, except I was embarrassed at the thought of falling so soon after starting this journal, so I didn?t. The girl also texted me at night which she hasn?t done for a while.  She is not a romantic/sexual prospect but it is nice to get some female attention.

Day 3

Tired again, still a little grumpy.  Worked in the morning so didn?t have the whole day at home.  Desires under control.  Had pizza and beer at night, which I feel a bit weak for doing - but hopefully it will be the last time.

Day 4

Had a whole heap of stuff on my list to get done on my day off - but instead spent the whole day cooking and cleaning and doing other mundane jobs and got nothing done.  As usual.  At least I kept busy though.  No great temptations to speak of so far.

Days 1 - 7:
Hi everyone, I?m back.  I ended up relapsing on like day 5 or something of my last streak, got embarrassed, and didn?t want to come back until I had made it to at least 1 week, which is now.  In the last week I?ve started a 3 month commitment to completely rid myself of addictions - not just porn, but alcohol, junk food, TV and music too.  Yes, even music - I really want to be free of all external dependencies and I think the way we use music these days is basically an addiction.  So I?ve been avoiding that too and I?m loving the silence.  So far everything feels completely different this time - by going all-in with this commitment it seems like I?ve set very strong boundaries with my brain. 

The motivation to continue doing this is very, very high.  It has actually been extremely easy to avoid junk food, alcohol and music so far - which is completely different from my past attempts.  Porn, on the other hand, is just starting to become a challenge again.  I?ve had sexual dreams the past 2 nights (really? After only a week? What the?) and all the girls at work and in the street look soooooo gooooooooood *drool*.  One of my friends at work was asking me about some complicated business procedure the other day and I was barely paying attention because I was just checking her out.  I actually felt a sort of physical urge to put my arm around her.  Luckily I didn?t though.  My urges have been very much directed towards real women so when I get porn flashbacks, the temptation is to imagine myself doing things to the woman in the scene rather than to actually go and look at the video.  However, of course I know from past experience that despite this, eventually my brain will get so desperate that it will be screaming at me to go and look at something, as it?s better than nothing.  Need to be on my guard. 

Without being over-confident, and knowing my own vulnerabilities, I do think I?ve found the way out - which is to go all-in and ENJOY it.  I actually am enjoying a lot of the new things I?ve taken up including exercise and reading.  There are so many books I?ve wanted to read for years but I haven?t because I spent every night in front of the TV getting drunk and eating garbage food.  Or looking at porn - although this for me was less common, I maybe averaged once or twice a week.  I?m lucky that I found out about the dangers of porn some time ago and never let it get to the 10-PMO a day multi-tabs open constant binge state.

Benefits after 7 days, some of which may be related to porn abstinence but I?m inclined to think are more related to junk/alcohol abstinence:  Skin looks amazing, more energy when I?m not experiencing detox symptoms; actually motivated to get things done; singing voice has improved; sleeping better and actually remembering dreams (although that's annoying when they're sexual ones!)

Days 8 - 9:

Experiencing detox symptoms because I've been avoiding alcohol and junk food, so I've been feeling a little unenthusiastic.  Also as my consciousness has risen I'm finding my dead-end job to be a chore and a complete waste of my time and talents.  A couple of times I felt old brain patterns re-emerging and almost saying to me "OK, time to be depressed now!  It'll be oddly comforting for a while!"  But I immediately rejected the idea, whereas in the past I would certainly have given in to it.  Also when I was leaving work I saw the workmate I mentioned yesterday leaving with some other guy, which I guess gave me a hint of jealousy.  Also felt a little threatened or belittled or something because of who she was leaving with.  But even though that was unpleasant I was much more able to brush it off than I would have been in the past.

No porn temptations to speak of but the weekend after next I'll have the house all to myself and I can't squash the idea that it might be nice to have beer and pizza on one of the nights.  Generally I find alcohol easy to avoid once I get started on the wagon - BUT there are some deeply ingrained old habits, such as wanting to veg out when I get the house to myself.  I really just want to say NO right now but other ideas keep popping up like "C'mon, it'll only be once,  that won't ruin your plans - you can get straight back onto it afterwards."  Probably true with the alcohol and junk food (certainly not true with porn) - but of course the much wiser choice is to continue as I'm doing.

Day 10

Still a little irritable and grumpy due to detoxing and also due to my boss, who is a great nuisance to me at the moment.  Also saw the same workmate from yesterday with another guy again (a different one) and was a bit jealous again - but again, was able to control it.  It was more just something irritating like a thorn prick rather than anything I can?t control.

I can?t believe how much I love women.  Any woman with a nice personality who looks OK is just ridiculously attractive to me.  Like 100x anything that porn could be.  If they have a nice personality and are good looking then I?m liable to become a panting, drooling mess.  At least, when I think about them anyway - but I?m finding it much, much easier to just not think about them and get on with my daily duties without letting them bother me.  I did catch myself mentally undressing and doing things to the sweet/cute girl who sits behind me at work (not the same girl as the aforementioned) but I stopped it as soon as I realized - for recovery purposes and also just for my own integrity.  I don?t want to be that kind of creepy man anymore - I want to treat women with more respect.

So yeah, basically the beast is still in there, but he?s sleeping for the moment.  He?s fine as long as he doesn?t get woken up.  Almost woke him up later in the day accidentally when I caught a glimpse of something tempting in a completely innocent video I was watching.  It wasn?t porn-like in any real way, but there?s lots of things I interpret that way - especially when it?s a real woman, not a fake pornstar. Anyway just in those few brief seconds I felt a powerful dopamine surge brewing... Yet even then there was no real temptation, just a little frustration.

This journal must be a boring read so far!  Normally by this stage I?d have popped out an eyeball or be dry-humping the furniture or something.  Everything feels different this time - long may it remain boring!

Of course, I am still strongly on guard... Gotta keep that beast sleeping!

Back after a few rollercoaster months.  It really has been a journey of tremendous highs where I feel invincible, and horrible lows where I feel like nothing is going my way and it's all hopeless.  Now up to day 29, which is my best effort in over a year.  It's usually somewhere in the next 2 weeks that the cravings get unbearable and I slip into old patterns without realizing.  I can see that happening already, which is why I'm back here.  Oddly enough the past month has been quite easy to achieve - I seem to have gone into a mini-flatline for most of it, due to denying myself any form of stimulation and not being around girls very often.  This has been very helpful and personally I've preferred it to the ranging-hormones periods.  In the past few days I seem to have woken up out of a bit, though, which is concerning me as I'm not used to having to deal with this level of temptation.

In particular, today I went on 'autopilot' for a brief moment and looked up the Instagram of an ex-workmate, who I knew to be on holiday in a hot-climate country.  As I was kinda hoping, there were some bikini pics, although only from behind.  But it still triggered off some animalistic urges to furiously grind anything female with a pulse.    I don't know why I find that girl so alluring - probably because I have very little female contact and she's the girl I spent the most time with in the past 18 months, so I actually got to know her pretty well.  Real women with a real personality are SO much more attractive than lifeless pics. 

It also triggered off some feelings of jealousy etc.  because I there were some other guys in front of her in the pics who obviously would have got to see the full deal.  And there was a pic where some guy looked like he had his hand on her leg.  And some other stuff.  Gahhhhh....  Please can I have the flatline back?  ;D

Hopefully it's true what they say, that the cravings become more managable around week 6.  Only 13 days to go now .....