Unknown419
New Member
Hello.
Sorry for such a pessimistic sounding title, but I've truly begun to fear the worst.
I'm 18 and a half. College freshmen. I know thats not necessarily old for this forum, but PEID is and pornography addiction is not exactly new for me. I don't really remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure I discovered pornography when I was 10. Some asshole showed it to me on the school playground on his phone. I remember going home and discovering the horrid world for myself. It started with me just looking up "naked girls" or something of the like, but that only escalated to specific body parts, sex, sex acts, etc. It was probably about a year until I came upon hardcore pornography.
I didn't actually masturbate until I was 12, about two years after my initial contact. I masturbated to my imagination for about a year, which I suppose was not really a problem. I actually stopped watching porn between the ages of 11 and 13. But eventually I got a laptop of my own in my room and found myself able to combine the two. I was quite good about it too, sneaking on to my elderly neighbor's wifi to avoid the parental controls my parents had put up. I don't think they knew what I was doing, I just thing they knew what teenage boys in general were curious about.
I think I must've done damage to my libido at a young age. By the time I was 14 I only really found myself horny or excited once every two or three days (which I would spend on pornography). I knew kids who masturbated multiple times a day and watched porn every time, so I never really thought what I was doing could be that bad or abnormal.
Eventually the generic porn I would watch just became too little. At the age of 16, When my neighbors moved away and my only option for wifi was my own family's, I was forced off porn websites. I almost wished this didn't happen, because the resulting options seem worse in retrospect. I spent hours googling porn and trying to find websites that weren't blocked, until I came across reddit. That godawful website and its unmoderated image-hosting counterparts like imgur, minus, and gfycat allowed me (and obviously many others) to search through and pluck out every single fantasy in porn I had ever had, everything I could possibly have wanted to see, everything I was curious about. I think at this point going back to the porn websites wouldn't have done it for me. I was conditioned to some pretty fucked up stuff. I saw some crazy shit.
That year I also had a girlfriend. She was real attractive too, out of my league you might say. The day I realized I had a problem was when she spent the night at my house while my parents are away. You probably know where this is going: she tried to give me a blowjob, but my dick was just not having it. Obviously I was horny, but it just wasn't going to happen. I actually managed to play it off as being tired and too drunk (one of the only times I've drank), and I sort of got away with it without embarrassing myself. But in my mind I was scared as fuck.
I began researching, exploring my options, trying to decide the best methods of recovery. Basically the same thing everyone is doing when they first register for this website.
But that was 2.5 YEARS ago. 30 months. A lot of shit has changed in that time, but I fear one thing has not. The amount of times I've built up streaks, counted days, relapsed, binged on pornography is ridiculous. I've tried seemingly every mindset. I stayed away from P but M'd to O, stayed away from P and M'd but not to O (edging, not really better), just not O'd but watched P and M'd (probably worse than PMO), just viewed occasional P (usually softcore) but didn't MO, or stayed away from PMO altogether.
Even the best of these (avoiding all of PMO) was only a temporary, partial reward for me. During my longest and best streak at age 17-18 I had another girlfriend, and I believe I might have been feeling the effects of permanent recovery. Spending time with another human I was sexually attracted to was a big help, and a big incentive to avoid the temptations. But I only had that for about 4 of the 30 months I've been attempting to fight this.
The bullshit I've done in attempt to stop myself is ridiculous. During one streak I forced myself to do 20 pushups every time I felt tempted. I taped a pencil across my laptop screen as a constant reminder that I was always fighting (it was there for over a year). I once forced myself to do a 5 minute plank in the shower after breaking a streak, all the while promising myself that I would never P or M or O again. I tried pledging to donate 50 bucks every time I did anything in the realm of P, M, or O (self-accountability is impossible). I told my mom to ask me every day if I owed her money (promising myself to give her 100 if I failed in hopes of stopping myself in fear of losing 100), telling her I was just trying to break a habit. I was too scared to actually tell her what was happening. I've used the program Fortify (FTND), which is great, but after 75 days of that I lost control and things went downhill once again.
EVERY TIME I start over, I'm very intense and determined in the beginning, but this falls off. I often feel I don't have time to set and reflect on my habits, or keep a journal, or calendar, or anything of the like, so while I try these things at first when they seem the most important, they fall apart after a while. Eventually, when I've let my guard down, I find myself alone with my phone or laptop or something. It just comes out of nowhere (porn is fuckin everywhere). It's like I'm being sabotaged by my own brain.
EVERY TIME I fail, it requires more to convince myself to go again. It gets harder and harder to imagine something will work that hasn't worked 10 times in the past. Thus it requires more self-convincing, more self-promising, more preparing. And when it (seemingly) inevitably all falls apart, I feel worse than the last time. I'd love to be able to sit down and honestly tell myself that I will NEVER watch pornography again, but I feel it isn't possible.
I'm kind of at my wits end here. The last thing I see myself trying before seeking professional help is joining a forum. I'm a college freshmen at an academically intense school. I have little free time, and not a lot of friends (and none that I know very well) due to my antisocial tendencies. The truth is, I don't at all have time to write this, but at this point I figure it's more important than my grades. I NEED the support that you guys all give to each other, and I am well aware of the great things you all have done for the recovering community.
I'm at day 0 for the last time. I hope to be convinced that there is a way out, that there is a method that works. I really am determined to go through hell to get out, but I know I need a boost.
I'm sure I'm going to think of more things I wished I had included in this story, but I've got to get going. I'm praying people will reach out.
Thank you
Sorry for such a pessimistic sounding title, but I've truly begun to fear the worst.
I'm 18 and a half. College freshmen. I know thats not necessarily old for this forum, but PEID is and pornography addiction is not exactly new for me. I don't really remember exactly, but I'm pretty sure I discovered pornography when I was 10. Some asshole showed it to me on the school playground on his phone. I remember going home and discovering the horrid world for myself. It started with me just looking up "naked girls" or something of the like, but that only escalated to specific body parts, sex, sex acts, etc. It was probably about a year until I came upon hardcore pornography.
I didn't actually masturbate until I was 12, about two years after my initial contact. I masturbated to my imagination for about a year, which I suppose was not really a problem. I actually stopped watching porn between the ages of 11 and 13. But eventually I got a laptop of my own in my room and found myself able to combine the two. I was quite good about it too, sneaking on to my elderly neighbor's wifi to avoid the parental controls my parents had put up. I don't think they knew what I was doing, I just thing they knew what teenage boys in general were curious about.
I think I must've done damage to my libido at a young age. By the time I was 14 I only really found myself horny or excited once every two or three days (which I would spend on pornography). I knew kids who masturbated multiple times a day and watched porn every time, so I never really thought what I was doing could be that bad or abnormal.
Eventually the generic porn I would watch just became too little. At the age of 16, When my neighbors moved away and my only option for wifi was my own family's, I was forced off porn websites. I almost wished this didn't happen, because the resulting options seem worse in retrospect. I spent hours googling porn and trying to find websites that weren't blocked, until I came across reddit. That godawful website and its unmoderated image-hosting counterparts like imgur, minus, and gfycat allowed me (and obviously many others) to search through and pluck out every single fantasy in porn I had ever had, everything I could possibly have wanted to see, everything I was curious about. I think at this point going back to the porn websites wouldn't have done it for me. I was conditioned to some pretty fucked up stuff. I saw some crazy shit.
That year I also had a girlfriend. She was real attractive too, out of my league you might say. The day I realized I had a problem was when she spent the night at my house while my parents are away. You probably know where this is going: she tried to give me a blowjob, but my dick was just not having it. Obviously I was horny, but it just wasn't going to happen. I actually managed to play it off as being tired and too drunk (one of the only times I've drank), and I sort of got away with it without embarrassing myself. But in my mind I was scared as fuck.
I began researching, exploring my options, trying to decide the best methods of recovery. Basically the same thing everyone is doing when they first register for this website.
But that was 2.5 YEARS ago. 30 months. A lot of shit has changed in that time, but I fear one thing has not. The amount of times I've built up streaks, counted days, relapsed, binged on pornography is ridiculous. I've tried seemingly every mindset. I stayed away from P but M'd to O, stayed away from P and M'd but not to O (edging, not really better), just not O'd but watched P and M'd (probably worse than PMO), just viewed occasional P (usually softcore) but didn't MO, or stayed away from PMO altogether.
Even the best of these (avoiding all of PMO) was only a temporary, partial reward for me. During my longest and best streak at age 17-18 I had another girlfriend, and I believe I might have been feeling the effects of permanent recovery. Spending time with another human I was sexually attracted to was a big help, and a big incentive to avoid the temptations. But I only had that for about 4 of the 30 months I've been attempting to fight this.
The bullshit I've done in attempt to stop myself is ridiculous. During one streak I forced myself to do 20 pushups every time I felt tempted. I taped a pencil across my laptop screen as a constant reminder that I was always fighting (it was there for over a year). I once forced myself to do a 5 minute plank in the shower after breaking a streak, all the while promising myself that I would never P or M or O again. I tried pledging to donate 50 bucks every time I did anything in the realm of P, M, or O (self-accountability is impossible). I told my mom to ask me every day if I owed her money (promising myself to give her 100 if I failed in hopes of stopping myself in fear of losing 100), telling her I was just trying to break a habit. I was too scared to actually tell her what was happening. I've used the program Fortify (FTND), which is great, but after 75 days of that I lost control and things went downhill once again.
EVERY TIME I start over, I'm very intense and determined in the beginning, but this falls off. I often feel I don't have time to set and reflect on my habits, or keep a journal, or calendar, or anything of the like, so while I try these things at first when they seem the most important, they fall apart after a while. Eventually, when I've let my guard down, I find myself alone with my phone or laptop or something. It just comes out of nowhere (porn is fuckin everywhere). It's like I'm being sabotaged by my own brain.
EVERY TIME I fail, it requires more to convince myself to go again. It gets harder and harder to imagine something will work that hasn't worked 10 times in the past. Thus it requires more self-convincing, more self-promising, more preparing. And when it (seemingly) inevitably all falls apart, I feel worse than the last time. I'd love to be able to sit down and honestly tell myself that I will NEVER watch pornography again, but I feel it isn't possible.
I'm kind of at my wits end here. The last thing I see myself trying before seeking professional help is joining a forum. I'm a college freshmen at an academically intense school. I have little free time, and not a lot of friends (and none that I know very well) due to my antisocial tendencies. The truth is, I don't at all have time to write this, but at this point I figure it's more important than my grades. I NEED the support that you guys all give to each other, and I am well aware of the great things you all have done for the recovering community.
I'm at day 0 for the last time. I hope to be convinced that there is a way out, that there is a method that works. I really am determined to go through hell to get out, but I know I need a boost.
I'm sure I'm going to think of more things I wished I had included in this story, but I've got to get going. I'm praying people will reach out.
Thank you