Regrets in life

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eliterexor

Member
Hello, this is my first time to make a journal. I'm from ph and now 19 years old. I'd been in PMO by the age of 12. I fap daily. I'm a prisoner of this addiction for 7 years. My goal is to stop this chain but I always relapse. My conscience, mental and spiritual strength become weak. I became more selfish, no interest in things and cold hearted. I always talk naughty in social network sites or dating sites. I remember that I always do sexual assault my ex gf thats why i dont want to find a girl anymore to become my gf. I tried to reboot but it just for 3 weeks and I notice some good effects but I always relapse and start over again. Yesterday was my worst mistake ever. I got so much tempted that a girl and I make a cybersex. But the worst was she record it. What a shame of my life and my integrity. I don't know if I can change my life and live with all of my regrets. I'm so depressed. Feel so unworthy. Sorry for my bad english. I hope you can help me. THANKS!
 
KittyHawk

KittyHawk

Active Member
Hello eliterexor,

you can help yourself. Identify you triggers (social media, alone time online, chat rooms...). And eliminate those from your life completely. It might sound harsh but you need to. And expect your brain to come up with substitutes in desperate attempt to stay aroused all the time (watching softcore, reading erotic literature, bikini pics, whatever). Eliminate those substitutes as well.

Many people beat themselves a lot for every relapse but let's say you relapse once a month. So you did PMO 12x in a year.... instead of 500+ before attempting reboot => That is a huge achievement and you still lead much healthier life. But don't be mistaken, the final goals always should be the complete elimination of porn and at least a huge reduction of MO.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 3. Sorry if I will not journal in order.
Changing the mindset is very difficult to do. 3 days abstain from PMO is a good feeling. But the feeling of unworthy and depression is still affecting me. Now I'm trying to live like this is my last day is great. The saddest part is when you know that the time will come that you gonna lose the people around you treats you nicer before and having a great time with them. I know that if they gonna know the mistakes I made they gonna ignore and leave me. I really appreciate that time and I really thankful that meditation, watching movies that talks about self development especially Mister rogers (even i am now 19 yrs old) and doing some new hobbies (painting, drawing and poetry; thanks to bob ross) and reading books for maintaining positive mindset really helps me alot. I admit this pmo addiction affects my connection to the people around me especially myself.
 
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eliterexor

Member
KittyHawk said:
Hello eliterexor,

you can help yourself. Identify you triggers (social media, alone time online, chat rooms...). And eliminate those from your life completely. It might sound harsh but you need to. And expect your brain to come up with substitutes in desperate attempt to stay aroused all the time (watching softcore, reading erotic literature, bikini pics, whatever). Eliminate those substitutes as well.

Many people beat themselves a lot for every relapse but let's say you relapse once a month. So you did PMO 12x in a year.... instead of 500+ before attempting reboot => That is a huge achievement and you still lead much healthier life. But don't be mistaken, the final goals always should be the complete elimination of porn and at least a huge reduction of MO.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your encouragement. It is also a best thing to accompany those people who also want to stop this addiction. It may be a hard time but this people who suffer and sacrifice to stop this addiction gives more reason to fight! I'm really happy to be part of this forum. #feelsgoodman
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 4
Did I use porn today? Nope
What were my triggers? I notice that using social network can still trigger my addiction
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I still have the depression and feeling of unworthy. But I notice that I became more concern about the feelings of other people. I really need some good time to meditate.
What am I grateful for today? I am grateful about the time with my family and those people who are important to me. I become more appreciating small things in life. Having a mindset of "Seize the day" and "Maybe this is my last day and my last shot" really helps me a lot.
 
S

Samarkand Searcher

Member
Forgive yourself for the mistakes. We are all human.
You have a future that will be better for not using PMO.
"I admit this pmo addiction affects my connection to the people around me" - this is very true for me. Imagine a life going forward without this. Imagine just how much you will grow and what you can achieve.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Samarkand Searcher said:
Forgive yourself for the mistakes. We are all human.
You have a future that will be better for not using PMO.
"I admit this pmo addiction affects my connection to the people around me" - this is very true for me. Imagine a life going forward without this. Imagine just how much you will grow and what you can achieve.
Click to expand...
Thanks bro. I also admit that PMO also affect my connection with other people especially to my family and to the people I love. I become more selfish and numb about their feelings. I am really imagining now the prize of quitting PMO. I don't know what will happen to me and what is the consequences of my mistakes but I'll fully accepting it. Growing is becoming more responsible.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 6
    Did I use porn today? No

    What were my triggers? I notice that even a simple chat or looking at the news feed of a social networking site can give me a trigger.

    How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Well, I still have a depression, but not just the same depression before but I am depress why I don't give the best for my family, my friends and all the people around me.

    What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for the love of my family and friends. I am also grateful for the things I have today. Having a 6 days PMO free and 2 days Social Dating Site Free is feelsgoodman.

Comments:[\b]
My sexual desire from other women is still there. How sad :(...
It's really hard to fight the mind, I'm always tempted to see the sensitive parts of the women. But the only thing I can do is to fight myself that looking for a girl just for fun is not really good. Now I am fighting to myself again. So very hard. But the positive side that I notice in my 6th day was I felt more sad why I don't appreciate the sacrifice of my family and friends in order to make me happy. I'm not numb anymore. My heart is becoming soft again and I can easily talk to strangers. I hope I can pay for those who makes me happy. I know it's priceless, but it's never to late. I gonna give them some love.
 
Totem

Totem

Member
You may not have depression (as a disease) at all. You may have destroyed emotional, sexual and social life. And that is really, serious reason to feel bad, man.

I have a question for you. What is that you value most in life?
If your answer is porn, than even thinking about losing it will cause serious pain. Losing it for real - even worse. This is corelated both with neurobiological base of addiction, and your emotional nature as a human being.
What you value the most become the thing that influence all other things in your life. It's like the top of the pyramid. You construct all the lower levels of your life to support the top. If the top is pathological - all of your lesser values, and personal virtues are becoming non-existent, or corrupt as well. For what I know, and experience - the best solution to this, is to put at the top something eternal, uncorruptable, nonmaterial and ideal - like God. Only then you can structure all your major and minor life goals on the path to this ideal. It doesn't matter that you will never achieve it. It doesn't matter how, and what you call it. What you act is far more important than how you describe your actions. Action is primary to all description, and this is the real thing that shape your life.

Good way to discipline yourself is to make some goals (even small ones), breake them into smaller routine actions, and do the whole thing in baby steps without forcing yourself beyond your current psychophysiologicall capability.
I'm talking about life goals beside quitting porn in a way that other goal can distract you from addiction. Make a plan and start small.
If you have trouble with social interactions, than you can for example repost to someone else's thread here on forum once a day. Even if you do it badly without any social skill whatsoever. After that you can reward yourself in some manner (snack, 30min of videogame, buy small gift to yourself) - that will reinforce good habbit.

If you are interested in art in general, than I strongly reccomend Joseph Campbell "The Hero with a Thousand Faces". This is basically C.G.Jung written in an easy manner. Or if you are interested particular in poetry - the book called "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Totem said:
You may not have depression (as a disease) at all. You may have destroyed emotional, sexual and social life. And that is really, serious reason to feel bad, man.

I have a question for you. What is that you value most in life?
If your answer is porn, than even thinking about losing it will cause serious pain. Losing it for real - even worse. This is corelated both with neurobiological base of addiction, and your emotional nature as a human being.
What you value the most become the thing that influence all other things in your life. It's like the top of the pyramid. You construct all the lower levels of your life to support the top. If the top is pathological - all of your lesser values, and personal virtues are becoming non-existent, or corrupt as well. For what I know, and experience - the best solution to this, is to put at the top something eternal, uncorruptable, nonmaterial and ideal - like God. Only then you can structure all your major and minor life goals on the path to this ideal. It doesn't matter that you will never achieve it. It doesn't matter how, and what you call it. What you act is far more important than how you describe your actions. Action is primary to all description, and this is the real thing that shape your life.

Good way to discipline yourself is to make some goals (even small ones), breake them into smaller routine actions, and do the whole thing in baby steps without forcing yourself beyond your current psychophysiologicall capability.
I'm talking about life goals beside quitting porn in a way that other goal can distract you from addiction. Make a plan and start small.
If you have trouble with social interactions, than you can for example repost to someone else's thread here on forum once a day. Even if you do it badly without any social skill whatsoever. After that you can reward yourself in some manner (snack, 30min of videogame, buy small gift to yourself) - that will reinforce good habbit.

If you are interested in art in general, than I strongly reccomend Joseph Campbell "The Hero with a Thousand Faces". This is basically C.G.Jung written in an easy manner. Or if you are interested particular in poetry - the book called "Iron John: A book about Men" by Robert Bly.
Click to expand...

Thanks Bro, maybe the top of my pyramid is not worth to build. I need a new purpose to build again. What a motivation and illustration for meditation.
 
Totem

Totem

Member
Even if the top of your pyramid is flat and lack the pinnacle, is still some kind of top. That can mean, that you have couple of equal values. In mythology that state is often called 'battle of the gods'.
In neurobiology therms that mean that you, in the state of absence of unified higher value, can have conflict between primary biological systems like anxiety system, exploratory system, reproduction system, hunger, and so on.

Habit of making goals and pursuing them can help you understand and structure those systems in different manner that pure words. It will become your experience.

And reproduction system with sex drive will become integral part of that structure, not the top.
 
K

Kracha

Member
You want to become free from porn and have normal sex so you have to start dating with real girls.
If you wont have motivation you will easily go back to your addiction. If you have a chance to get laid you will be thinking about this real girl no porn. For example if you do not date with girls why you should stop quitting porn? You want to have orgasm so the porn or girl will give it to you, but u have to choose wich option u want. If you stop porn and you do nothing to get laid its all screwed you know , this is just my point of view and during all my progress( about it you can read at succes stories or porn addiction board) i never wanted to go back to porn because i wanted to have sex and my PIED was making this impossible.
 
Do or die

Do or die

Respected Member
it is easy to quit porn by one habit. this habit is TRD-ART the long form is taking right decision at right time. Develope an hobby of doing right thing in all parts of your life. it really helped me
 
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eliterexor

Member
DAY 14
2 Weeks of no PMO but I realize I'm just abstaining not doing some recovery. I go to nofap website and meditating what is my why, why i want to stop this, but because of my meditation I become depressed again. I didn't PMO today but I just used to play video games whole day. I concluded that if I don't face the reality I'm not on the right way to recover my life again by rebooting. I got now a strong feeling of unworthy and regrets in life. I didn't see this feeling for negative but I know this feeling gonna help me to overcome and change my life. Maybe I can't change the past but I still have the chance to change my future. But still i'm so weak like carrying the world in my shoulder. Maybe I gonna need some time with myself for thinking what is my real purpose why I want to stop this addiction. I don't want to do this for myself because that's not a real purpose. Sorry my mind now is so fog because of depression and anxiety but this is different than when I'm doing PMO. Maybe this is a withdrawal symptoms.
I'm now deleting all my social network account and maybe I gonna stop also using too much on computer and cellphone.
Better to know who you are first than knowing everyone.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 21
3 Weeks after my Reboot. I notice that I'm having a clearer mind, not a complete clean but still better than before. I'm still having an anxiety but Life must go on. I already accept my flaws and my imperfection. Doing the self development is great, it's not a race but it's a long journey. I am really grateful that I'm not aggressive anymore. Now I'm writing a poem for a girl that I appreciated her not just her physical but also her being herself. Having a mindset of "Maybe this is my last day, I gonna give my best shot" really helps me also to give my best. No PMO really helps me to know who I am.
 
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eliterexor

Member
Hello Everyone!

Today is my 22th day from abstaining PMO. It's such a good feeling even though I'm still suffering anxiety and depression. Showing love to others and do what is good for them makes me happy now. I can now appreciate more on small and simple things. Maybe I saw a lot of beautiful girls at school but I'm still asking myself, "Is this FEELING is because of abstaining of PMO or because she is just beautiful?". I'm still doing some recovery, self development and doing my best shot on my life. I know this journey is so hard but knowing there are more people who are struggling this addiction gives me more reason to fight even I'm alone and no one of the people who surround me in my daily life knows my battle from the EVIL. Maybe he gonna become stronger and he will hook me again but I gonna be more stronger than him. I am a WARRIOR!
 
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scottmccall2016

Guest
You're doing great man! Keep it up. I know you can beat this, you're a defender, you're a warrior. :)
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 23
Hello Everyone!!!
No PMO for 23 days is great. Abstaining from it helps me to understand easily the lessons in our class, even if I made a mistake in solving the problem or answering the question is fine on me. I'm appreciating now the mistakes and negativity of my life. It's not about mistakes tell us how we are so unworthy but what we will gain from our mistakes. Accepting that we are not perfect and meditating what are the things we gain from our lost and failure will be our stepping stone for success. Even though I've seen a lot of beautiful girls, I'm now appreciating how beautiful they are not how sexy or what is the form of their body. But I still have the depression and anxiety when I'm alone, but I'm not tempted to go back to PMO. I gonna use this negativity to become a strong foundation of my reason to stop PMO. I already lost everything of my life, now I won't let that happen again. I know it is hard to accept the worst consequences because of my PMO and uncontrollable sex drive but accepting the effects of my mistakes helps me to become  responsible. I need to strengthen more my mental, emotional and spiritual state.
To all people who knows what I feel, we should keep fighting even though we lost everything.
While we are still breathing, we can still fight the EVIL!
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 24
Hello Everyone!!!
May I ask if no motivation is still part of the PMO withdrawal symptoms? It's been two days that I don't have the strength to do some works and no motivation at all. I didn't PMO but maybe because of anxiety makes me no energy. I just want to lay in the bed and sleep.  Nothing to work and nothing to think. I just want to sleep. I don't have enough reasons to fight  :'( :'( :'(
 
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eliterexor

Member
Day 25
Hello Everyone!!!
25 Days without porn is great!, But I'm having a craving to watch porn,but thanks for my friends who accompany me to go with them to carnival. Why I'm craving? I just read a magazine that talks about how to fight sexual harassment. I didn't expect that it would wake up my cravings. 10/10 not to read any porn/sexual related books. It makes my recovery become slower. Damn, I don't even have reasons and motivation. It is really hard fight and long journey to struggle. I know we can do it, not for ourselves but for the people who cares about us.
 
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