kadeshzelbriel
Member
Okay, okay, okay. I'm here, y'all.
Porn user since age 11, PMO mostly before bed ~4-5/week ages 13-25. Whenever life got tough, I sunk into a pornhole.
Thanksgiving 2016 my sister blew my mind by playing beautiful piano and telling me discipline is possible. The next day I decided to pick up my guitar again, cold-turkey the porn and do a reboot, and spent 3 months learning the HARD WAY like the rest of y'all just how deeply my brain had been depending on those dopamine hits for its normal functioning and emotional regulation. I remember every day was an INCREDIBLE struggle, I felt INUNDATED with sexual imagery in my imagination and TORTURED by my porn cravings. But I somehow fucking did it.
Over Spring 2017 I slowly began reacquainting with self-pleasure practices and getting interested in spiritual sexual practices like nonejaculation, tantra and sexual qi gong, and my sex/love life opened up quite nicely with resonant connections. I began a wonderful relationship with N Summer 2017. By January 2018, however, my sex life started hitting some stalls in the relationship, and I was really struggling at work, and I didn't have the energy or will to maintain life-giving disciplines anymore, and I re-opened my relationship with PMO. In some ways this was helpful as it gave me an opportunity to work with the massive amounts of shame I had built up around porn use and which overclouded all of my sexual desire.
Over the year January 2018-January 2019 I made big, slow strides in moving through sexual shame to own my desires and boundaries more openly and clearly, and this eventually culminated in my ending the relationship over Spring 2019 with my wonderful partner N, after I finally, begrudgingly came to terms that I didn't feel strong sexual chemistry with N and after a few months of therapy to discover we really did have incompatible desires & interests (most importantly around nonmonogamy).
Ending the relationship with N has given me a new lease on life and my sexuality, and it has become instantly clear that I want to really own and love and celebrate my sexual desire and move into exciting sexual connections with this newfound clarity about what turns me on. I feel actually a massive, almost scary SURGE of ENERGY around this, and I intuitively stopped PMO because it felt clear the sexual energy could be used to transform my life and cultivate sexually resonant connections.....or I could waste it all in a fantasy world and stay stuck.
I didn't realize what a big deal it is to feel so resolved to let my sexual energy fuel my life and transform my relationship to women, but as the weeks have gone by I am dealing with WILD and REALLY CHALLENGING emotional effects that reminded me - oh my god, I'm rebooting again! I've felt this before! I feel STUPIDLY HORNY all day every day, and when I'm not busy with activity I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE with the need for sexual connection. I have a really strong meditation practice and it's helping me recognize that these feelings are just mental illusions and I don't need to do escape them (with PMO), but they are still overwhelming.
I've made a lot of plans over May to be in spiritual/sexual environments or (re)connecting with women where there's mutual attraction, and I'm truly so excited about what's to come, because I feel so strongly right now that I can be clear about experimenting with what I want, what I like and don't like, and finding connection that feels really good and like what I really want. And that's what this is all about, right?? Having a sexually fulfilling life??!
The last few days I've really felt like I'm going to explode, and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, and it is SO SO HELPFUL to remember that THIS IS NORMAL and WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. The powerful energy of discipline and resolve is spilling over into other parts of my life (I am experimenting with intermittent fasting again) but I want to remember that this is primarily about resetting my sexual circuitry so that I can live my sexuality in real life. If I want this, there is nothing that can get in my way!
I'm setting 4/18/19 as my clock start date, which is exactly a year since I last bothered trying to keep a clock.
THANK YOU FELLOW WARRIORS
KADESH zelbriel
Porn user since age 11, PMO mostly before bed ~4-5/week ages 13-25. Whenever life got tough, I sunk into a pornhole.
Thanksgiving 2016 my sister blew my mind by playing beautiful piano and telling me discipline is possible. The next day I decided to pick up my guitar again, cold-turkey the porn and do a reboot, and spent 3 months learning the HARD WAY like the rest of y'all just how deeply my brain had been depending on those dopamine hits for its normal functioning and emotional regulation. I remember every day was an INCREDIBLE struggle, I felt INUNDATED with sexual imagery in my imagination and TORTURED by my porn cravings. But I somehow fucking did it.
Over Spring 2017 I slowly began reacquainting with self-pleasure practices and getting interested in spiritual sexual practices like nonejaculation, tantra and sexual qi gong, and my sex/love life opened up quite nicely with resonant connections. I began a wonderful relationship with N Summer 2017. By January 2018, however, my sex life started hitting some stalls in the relationship, and I was really struggling at work, and I didn't have the energy or will to maintain life-giving disciplines anymore, and I re-opened my relationship with PMO. In some ways this was helpful as it gave me an opportunity to work with the massive amounts of shame I had built up around porn use and which overclouded all of my sexual desire.
Over the year January 2018-January 2019 I made big, slow strides in moving through sexual shame to own my desires and boundaries more openly and clearly, and this eventually culminated in my ending the relationship over Spring 2019 with my wonderful partner N, after I finally, begrudgingly came to terms that I didn't feel strong sexual chemistry with N and after a few months of therapy to discover we really did have incompatible desires & interests (most importantly around nonmonogamy).
Ending the relationship with N has given me a new lease on life and my sexuality, and it has become instantly clear that I want to really own and love and celebrate my sexual desire and move into exciting sexual connections with this newfound clarity about what turns me on. I feel actually a massive, almost scary SURGE of ENERGY around this, and I intuitively stopped PMO because it felt clear the sexual energy could be used to transform my life and cultivate sexually resonant connections.....or I could waste it all in a fantasy world and stay stuck.
I didn't realize what a big deal it is to feel so resolved to let my sexual energy fuel my life and transform my relationship to women, but as the weeks have gone by I am dealing with WILD and REALLY CHALLENGING emotional effects that reminded me - oh my god, I'm rebooting again! I've felt this before! I feel STUPIDLY HORNY all day every day, and when I'm not busy with activity I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE with the need for sexual connection. I have a really strong meditation practice and it's helping me recognize that these feelings are just mental illusions and I don't need to do escape them (with PMO), but they are still overwhelming.
I've made a lot of plans over May to be in spiritual/sexual environments or (re)connecting with women where there's mutual attraction, and I'm truly so excited about what's to come, because I feel so strongly right now that I can be clear about experimenting with what I want, what I like and don't like, and finding connection that feels really good and like what I really want. And that's what this is all about, right?? Having a sexually fulfilling life??!
The last few days I've really felt like I'm going to explode, and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, and it is SO SO HELPFUL to remember that THIS IS NORMAL and WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. The powerful energy of discipline and resolve is spilling over into other parts of my life (I am experimenting with intermittent fasting again) but I want to remember that this is primarily about resetting my sexual circuitry so that I can live my sexuality in real life. If I want this, there is nothing that can get in my way!
I'm setting 4/18/19 as my clock start date, which is exactly a year since I last bothered trying to keep a clock.
THANK YOU FELLOW WARRIORS
KADESH zelbriel