22 years addicted to porn with paranormal experiences seeking recovery

Hi,

My story is in http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=16963.0

After 17 days of abstinence from porn I had a paranormal experience of going out of my body and "a being" that had two long hands that felt like wind or air was pulling me from behind holding my shoulders. Some thing like vacuum pump. After the experience anxiety started building and today morning I searched for femdom videos on youtube and saw a few minutes of trampling ( with no nudity ) and a few minutes of cleavage and masturbated to it ( al together it lasted around 15 minutes ). I masturbated without porn again after a few minutes recollecting a femdom scene in a previous porn video I saw years back. The urge to masturbate with high energy exists.

Well, that?s good. That means you?re normal. Did you expect the urge to completely vanish? It doesn?t. This is the reason why we have to experience personal growth here. We have to develop coping skills. We have to man-up and stop being fake men who have fake sex.

We have to heal ourselves and return to the real world, where real men have sex with real women.

Fake sex is for cowardly men. Not facing the truth and not dealing with our issues is, by definition, a cowardly act. But we are not cowards! We are the men who seek to heal ourselves of what porn?s fakeness has done to us.

You are not here to repeatedly fail and neither am I. We are here to help each other succeed. So, let?s keep it on track, shall we?

Yes! and a big thank you.

I was very upset. I thought of hiding this from my wife but then the tension was more, so I told her. She was supportive though she initially asked "Why?" She later consoled me seeing my pity state. After I told it to my wife I felt a bit relieved but my penis and chest would harden up a times and I masturbated twice without porn to femdom fantasy. But then now I am fine. The energy levels have gone low. I have become sleepy.

I looked up the meaning of Grace in Romans 11:6 in the Bible.

If you take the whole meaning of the word I think it can be translated some thing like this ( I am neither a Greek expert or theologian but it is an attempt ) .

If you are saved by the free gift of God, because of His favour on you, due to His joy and liberal pleasure, acting the divine influence upon your heart, and creating its reflection which is the good actions in your life; including the gratitude you have for it  towards God( or in other words Grace http://www.godrules.net/library/strongs2b/gre5485.htm )then it is not of your own works.

I think calling Grace just "unmerited favor" takes away too much from the truth that will set us free ( John 8:32 )
The words "free gift" means unmerited. My version unpacks the gift and shows what is inside from the original word.

This was a lot of comfort to me as I heard of the success of 12-step programs from "Donald L. Hilton" believing in a higher power.
I was always low on will power and today after the relapse will power was non existent. The definition of Grace that I found studying the word in original Greek help me put back the load of care about my deliverance from this addiction back to the Lord and rest peacefully secure in His love, faithfulness & Omnipotence. That is the thing that took away the anxiety and replaced it with peace & some joy.

---After sleep in the morning----

Had a good sleep. Heart is heavy and breathing difficult, body is paining but still got up believing

[Romans 8:11 [If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Penis is hard paining, stomach in upset like with gas or acidity. Drinking black tea given some relief for body symptoms as well as stomach. Going to fill my goal card and start the day with fairly low motivation and energy. But I have gotten back the sleep I lost for 2 days.

---evening

Was a great day. No PMO compulsion

Today morning I woke up having seen a sexually promiscuous dream the heaviness in chest is absent. But withdrawal pain in body is present. Was unable to get up with my own strength to start the day. Reminded myself that there is absolutely nothing I need to please God through the verses that say we have absolute peace with God.

Romans 5:1-6 Therefore, since we have been made right in God?s sight by faith, we have peace[a] with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God?s glory.

3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

6 When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

and

Romans 6:14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God?s grace.


I got strength to start the day from the following verses.

Romans 4:19-21 He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. 20 No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.

Romans 8:10-12 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

I started the day watching Engineer Dr. Chuck Missler: Scientific Proof Of The MATRIX A Virtual Reality Universe ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zo-xjB9GV9g ) and got on with my regular work and completed pending work and am happy. Time is 1:30 PM.

Yesterday morning I woke after seeing a dream in which I seduced a man whom I respect very well and in the dream I was raped anally by him since he lost self control due to my seduction. In the dream I was struggling to open up before my wife but I finally did and the shame of having such an incident in my life shattered me. When I woke up I was so glad that is was only a dream and not a real incident. I was so relieved but the thought of such a situation started troubling me. It was a person with whom I would never ever think of doing such a thing. My body was paining, the nerves were pulling and it felt like

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Romans 7:24

But I was able to rest in these scriptures

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. Romans 8:11

I had a good day but  got cold by evening and was feeling very irritated. After every one slept I was washing the dishes listening to the preaching about the messianic prophecy in the book of ISIAH and I got a sudden erection with strong pull in my whole body to watch porn and masturbate. Strong compulsions with old images of porn watched and new situations of sex with possible partners were flooding my mind. I had panic attacks. I cried bitterly! I told Jesus that I had neither power nor desire left to resist the temptation and that only a miracle from Him would help. My mind was somehow distracted to think other things and the compulsions slowly left. It was around 11:30 PM. I slept listening to the same sermon but woke up at 4:30 am today morning due to pain of strong throat infection and body pain. Took pills for throat infection, inhaled steam, gargled and went to sleep. Morning was difficult with the same feelings as yesterday. But casting my self on the Lord I got up and walked considering these as tests where my faith will grow.

"Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved." Psalms 55:22

?Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:24-26

I still have random erections and compulsions. Did not go to church today due to sickness. But I am sustained by God not by my strength or efforts.