Dirty Little Secret

So I guess today is as good a day to start as any, getting tired of losing this fight.

I am 47 years old and I started looking at porn when I was about 6.  My Dad has stashed playboys in the bathroom and my friend and I got into them.  Wish I never had...Anyway, it progressed and for some reason my Dad thought that it was ok for me to look at them. When I was in High School I had access to his VCR collection, ( we are talking 1986) which was massive!  By the time I went to college I was fully immersed.  I would have rather masturbated to porn than be with a woman, but something told me this wasn't normal.  My idea of normal was severely warped; however, even today it never progressed into illegal (thank God).
  So in 2001, I got high speed internet, which was the greatest thing and the biggest curse on the planet.  Felt really good, but really bad.  I think that may have played into the end of my marriage because my wife cheated on me several times.  Maybe my intimacy was lacking (ya think???).  Anyway, I am a Christian and tried the Holy route but couldn't seem to shake the "sin".  I continued in quiet desperation until I met my current fiance, who seemed to try to understand my problem to a point.  What really changed was 2 things.....
1.  PIED- nothing was exciting me anymore and it affects my sex life
2.  I realized with this site that it is not just guilt that makes me want to stop, but the stories of SO MANY people just like me!  I finally felt like it wasn't a dirty little secret (hence the subject).  This porn is scientifically proven to rewire our brain to unreasonable levels.  I am ready to reboot and I need all of the help I can get.  I have tried before, but never admitted it to a forum.  Any and all help and encouragement is greatly appreciated!

Welcome, Quietdesperation!

I am exactly a month here on the forum after I realized that I also have PIED. My story is here. http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=14507.0

Be proud of yourself that (1) you recognized you have a problem, and (2) are taking corrective steps. I would also suggest being compassionate with yourself, and realize we all heal at different rates. We're also going to stumble along the way. It happens in any type of recovery; heck, it happens in life. Finally never be embarrassed to journal and/or vent here.

Again: welcome!

Best of luck QD.

Now that you have recognised the problem the hard work begins.

I find that checking in here daily, mindfulness meditation, and blocker software helps.

K9 free internet security is good, even better if you can confide in an accountability partner and give them a password you cannot remember, and also cold turkey free software good.

Similar age to me so time flying by, lets make the future brighter 

Thank you guys so much!  It feels good knowing that others are also in the game.  I am going to read your posts as well.

thanks enigma man.  No, I have never been told I have ADD, ADHD.  But I will look into it.  Definitely need the scripture!  Day 3 is done.  record for no porn is 9 days.  Kinda sad but i gotta start with some goal right?

Thanks E-man!  It's nice to know someone has my back!

Ok.. so I have to be clear of my goals.  Stated simply I am starting with no P whatsoever, no triggers, no "oops I accidentally went onto the victoria secret website"  absolutely no P.  I am not, at this point holding back on MO or sex with the missus.  I am simply turning back the clock like it was 1800.  I have tried and failed many times to stop it all at once, so I am on this website purely to stop the visual period.  I'm in no position to give advice, just saying what might work for me.  That being said, I am 6 days in.  One day at a time.

Hello QD,

One thing I would suggest is to have a plan when the urge to pmo strikes. Goals are great, but they don't work when your conscience is clouded (such as when you are tempted for p). At least that's my experience.

So, one idea to kill the urge is to have a plan for it. For me, it entails doing something for 2-3 minutes. Such as getting up and using the bathroom or getting up and looking out the windows.

Just the very act of doing something for 2-3 minutes is often enough to kill the urge, and realize how stupid it was in the first place.

I wish you luck and keep sharing your experience - good and bad - as it will be helpful to yourself and to others here.

-I

Thanks E-man and IWTL.  I will come up with a goal and read up on the chaser effect.  Also thanks always for the support!  8)

Day 9.  Still feeling pretty good but I have been sick and drugged up on mucinex.  Anyway I'll take it.  8)

So holy sh%t.  Just like you said, I hit day 10 and have been struggling all day doing anything to take my mind off of women.  I am not giving in, but I do notice the switch.  Getting a plan into effect.

Day 12...still going strong  No P  keep on keeping on!

Good job! Keep going strong.

Merry Christmas,

-I

EM, I think you're right about the DeltaFosB thing about the brain wanting to reinforce old behavior.

I also remember it being the most difficult around the 10-12 days mark. It doesn't go away, but becomes gradually easier.

I remember the saying, once an addict, always an addict. So we have to be on guard always.

Keep doing good guys,

-I

Well, day 15, still no P. but I am reading about the Delta Fos B and how an addict gets the buildup.  I do have an addictive personality.  I tend to do things all in, or not at all struggling to find the middle ground.  However, this is the longest I have gone in probably 15 years.  Thank you guys for checking in with me.

Great posts guys. I'm reeading all of these posts and I can relatre to everyone of them. I know what has been working for me is exercise and keeping my mind busy. Idle hands are the devils workshop. Also what seems to help me a ton is checking in to r.n. keeps me more focused
Keep up the fight guys.  We're all in a tough battle.

Just checking in with you QD.

How are you doing?

You and I, and all of us know this is a tough tough battle. Probably the toughest for me personally. So hang in there, and keep focus. We are going to overcome this and come out stronger.

-I

Quietdesperation said:

Well, day 15, still no P. but I am reading about the Delta Fos B and how an addict gets the buildup.  I do have an addictive personality.  I tend to do things all in, or not at all struggling to find the middle ground.  However, this is the longest I have gone in probably 15 years.  Thank you guys for checking in with me.

Click to expand...

Lay it down forever and join us on the back of the blue bus.  Dopamine is the drug, porn is just the needle.  Be a quitter...

Hello Gentlemen, now we begin - Sir William, my mentor

so day 21, still going strong!  thank you for the support