CharmingandAlarming
Member
Hey, all! I hope this message finds everyone feeling empowered and eager for the next steps in reclaiming your brains and minds!
I first discovered the Reboot Community rougly 2 years ago. I was very lost, angry and hopeless. It gave me new hope and relief. Since then, I've had a few successes and many, repeated relapses. I'm so grateful that we have these forums and the fact that they exist gives me hope and conviction that fairness exists in the universe. I've read more than a few success stories, but maybe not enough.
I'm a 36 year old semi-closeted, semi-open gay bisexual Mexican-American man. I feel, and have felt for much of my life, fairly marginalized. I can think of many reasons why I fell into porn addiction.
Ambiguous about my sexuality...
Potential ADHD...
Normal childhood loss and trauma...
Usual semi-dysfunctional family unit...
Not being completely from here...
Not being completely from there...
Not being exclusively this way...
Not being exclusively that way...
Instead of choosing to carve out an identity that I could live with and be proud of, and confronting the challenges of social norms and finding acceptance in community....I chose Porn. Over and over and over and over and over again. I chose Porn. I continue to choose Porn.
I've also chosen to Recover.
I feel that I've had more setbacks than successes, but I also think I could be more optimistic, celebrate my successes more frequently and generally not be so hard on myself. I hope to be as consistent in my Recovery as I have with Porn. I know better now, but still lack the awareness to get to the other side of 21 days, 30 day, 60 day, 90 days, 100 days, 100 months.
Since I discovered the Reboot Community and the Recovery Process, I've...
-Failed miserably at training for a 1/2 Marathon, but ran 8 MILES FOR THE 1st TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!! ;D
-Got a better paying job and New Career!
-Rediscovered my Learning Process and Executive Functions, making long-term goals w/daily small steps to achieve them.
-Learned how to sit still, breathe deep, and MEDITATE. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Calm. Slow. Steady.
-How to Nurture myself, my goals, my dreams and desires.
-Allowed myself to HEAL, Rest, Recover, and Reward myself after challenging myself...
...and Preparing for the next challenge.
WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH VIA REBOOTNATION JOURNAL
1. To fully digest an understanding of:
-How I came to be addicted
-What happened in my brain
-How healing processes
After a year and a half of setbacks and relapses, I know that understanding how PMO has affected my brain and WHY (reasons and motivations) I need to rewire my brain and restore my reward circuitry to normal sensitivity.
I've watched the videos a few times, sometimes more focused than other, and have a decent understanding of the brain changes but it's SOMEONE ELSE'S understanding, not my own. So, I'd like to share what the brain changes have looked like in my life. And what the intentional choices I'm currently making are doing to my brain and to my life.
2. HOW TO NOT ALLOW DISAPPOINTMENT, UNEXPECTED CHALLENGES, OR OVERCONFIDENCE CAUSE A RELAPSE
This is where I think the true challenge is for me.
I start to feel more energized and optimistic after a week or two of no porn and I think I'm infallable and invincible!
Or things simply don't go my way and I don't want to feel the disappoinment, so PMO is my medication.
3. More to come...
I first discovered the Reboot Community rougly 2 years ago. I was very lost, angry and hopeless. It gave me new hope and relief. Since then, I've had a few successes and many, repeated relapses. I'm so grateful that we have these forums and the fact that they exist gives me hope and conviction that fairness exists in the universe. I've read more than a few success stories, but maybe not enough.
I'm a 36 year old semi-closeted, semi-open gay bisexual Mexican-American man. I feel, and have felt for much of my life, fairly marginalized. I can think of many reasons why I fell into porn addiction.
Ambiguous about my sexuality...
Potential ADHD...
Normal childhood loss and trauma...
Usual semi-dysfunctional family unit...
Not being completely from here...
Not being completely from there...
Not being exclusively this way...
Not being exclusively that way...
Instead of choosing to carve out an identity that I could live with and be proud of, and confronting the challenges of social norms and finding acceptance in community....I chose Porn. Over and over and over and over and over again. I chose Porn. I continue to choose Porn.
I've also chosen to Recover.
I feel that I've had more setbacks than successes, but I also think I could be more optimistic, celebrate my successes more frequently and generally not be so hard on myself. I hope to be as consistent in my Recovery as I have with Porn. I know better now, but still lack the awareness to get to the other side of 21 days, 30 day, 60 day, 90 days, 100 days, 100 months.
Since I discovered the Reboot Community and the Recovery Process, I've...
-Failed miserably at training for a 1/2 Marathon, but ran 8 MILES FOR THE 1st TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!! ;D
-Got a better paying job and New Career!
-Rediscovered my Learning Process and Executive Functions, making long-term goals w/daily small steps to achieve them.
-Learned how to sit still, breathe deep, and MEDITATE. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Calm. Slow. Steady.
-How to Nurture myself, my goals, my dreams and desires.
-Allowed myself to HEAL, Rest, Recover, and Reward myself after challenging myself...
...and Preparing for the next challenge.
WHAT I HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH VIA REBOOTNATION JOURNAL
1. To fully digest an understanding of:
-How I came to be addicted
-What happened in my brain
-How healing processes
After a year and a half of setbacks and relapses, I know that understanding how PMO has affected my brain and WHY (reasons and motivations) I need to rewire my brain and restore my reward circuitry to normal sensitivity.
I've watched the videos a few times, sometimes more focused than other, and have a decent understanding of the brain changes but it's SOMEONE ELSE'S understanding, not my own. So, I'd like to share what the brain changes have looked like in my life. And what the intentional choices I'm currently making are doing to my brain and to my life.
2. HOW TO NOT ALLOW DISAPPOINTMENT, UNEXPECTED CHALLENGES, OR OVERCONFIDENCE CAUSE A RELAPSE
This is where I think the true challenge is for me.
I start to feel more energized and optimistic after a week or two of no porn and I think I'm infallable and invincible!
Or things simply don't go my way and I don't want to feel the disappoinment, so PMO is my medication.
3. More to come...