A little different story

Hello everyone.
Im 22 years old, and i found this site about a week ago. It has changed my life since, and i will explain you why.
My story to me is not an easy story, its different from everyone else's story i believe, but i feel like i finally have to share it.

If you will ask me a few years ago, i wouldn't believe i will tell my story in a forum. But time has come.
I still feel nervous and ashamed telling it, so your comments and reactions would mean allot.

Okay, i started watching porn when i was around 10 maybe 9, sadly. Me , my cousin, and my twin brother were really close with each other, we would do everything together and tell each other everything. My brother and my cousin had something new that they found out about and didnt tell me, it was internet porn.
One day, they decided to show me some videos. I didnt really liked that at first, but my brother and my cousin were really on to it.
Soon after things picked up for me as well, i found out that you can masturbate, and that felt great. I became addicted to the feeling of orgasm, and watched allot of porn and masturbated, allot.
The problem was that i had a twin brother, and we spent allot of time together and watched porn together.
And like kids these ages, you act everything you see. We saw the "Revenge of the sith", so we acted and played star wars with our friends. We played "Battlefield 2", we had toy guns and played war at home and with our friends. The bad, traumatic, hardest thing ive ever delt with, the unbelievable amount of shame and self-blame, was the fact that because we saw porn together, we some time "acted", the things we saw. That was a really hard thing to write. Things started as really small and and nothing unusual as of kids play, but in a course of 2 years, (this happend in months differentiation, not weeks or days) at the age of 12, we suddenly grew up and stopped and realized what were doing. For my brother, as he said after almost 10 years, he just forgot about it, didnt thought about it, said that he knew it happens to allot of kids, and for me the road to hell just started.
I was sexually confused, and had to convince myself daily that im not gay. didnt want to be gay, i never even watched gay porn, i didnt even really knew what it is.
I didnt told anyone, and went into a really hard, depressing 10 years. Ive developed compulsive thoughts, and i thougt the best solution to those thoughts was to have allot of sex with girls.
The only problem was that i didnt stopped watching porn, never realized it was the problem. I LOVED IT, porn made me feel so good, i was addicted and couldnt stop. watched it and masturbated to it at the most bizzare places, like any addict would do, but never made the connection that porn is bad and that it made do those things, i thought i was born messed up.
In 2016, after years of hard time, after having a 4 month girlfriend, breaking up with her because i was confused, i spoke to my brother about this.
He had developed OCD through out the years, so he suffered too. I told him everything and he said that to him, it wasnt such a big deal, he forgot about, and moved on, because he knew it happened because of the things we saw, and the fact we were only 10 years old. at October 2016 i stopped watching porn. i would still masturbate out of my head to the most extreme things, imagine girls in my class room having threesome with me, SNM, only without the porn. I would cave in once in a while.
In February 2018 i began physic therapy, after i finally got to a point where i somehow understood that i can talk about it with someone and that i need too. I was always so ashamed of myself, thinking im a messed up person with a messed up life, that if anyone will know about this, i would be considered a monster. I just wanted a girlfriend i can love, have sex, and a normal life. I had all the porn addiction symptoms. Social anxiety, depression , everything to me was sexual, girls were sex objects, etc. Today, after 8 months of therapy, and really a 2 day look at this site, i feel allot better. I came to an understanding that things that happend to me was because of early watching of High-speed internet porn, im not gay, not attracted to men, and that im addicted to porn, and that i need to reboot my brain. a week in and i feel better. i was already in a better place because of not really watching porn for a long time. But cutting fapping and all sexual stimulation is certinaly helps, as well as reading these stories. My family is aware now of everything that i went through, top to bottom, which also helped.

This is my story. It was not easy for me to tell that. I hope this somehow inspires someone, and goodluck to all the other brothers and sisters who are trying to stop, i finally feel like im not alone anymore, not a stranger for the outside world, and a weird - not normal guy, i feel good about myself and feel that there is hope.

Thank you for reading.
 

Hook

Member
Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the club. Recovery is not easy but it's worth it. I am on day 258, not fully recovered but much much better than 8 months ago.

Good luck and stay positive!!
 
Hey man, thank you for commenting.
Im already 2 months, much much better, really feeling the process and starting to look at things so different, really understanding that i was addicted.
 
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