Clown Loach Journal

Preamble

This is not the first time that I have started a journal about my safari to end what I consider to be an addition to masturbation/pornography.  As such, I won't offer an introductory biography, yet just a few keys points:

1) I have been masturbating daily and heavily since I was 11/12 (I am now 33).
2) I use pornography and masturbation as a comfort blanket, to avoid dealing with the common travails of life.
3) This addiction - I believe - has affected my overall confidence and approach to life, amongst other reasons.
4) What I though was a happy relationship recently ended, with one of the reasons being by sexual ill-health.
5) Within this addiction's spiderweb, I have also used/paid for sexual services (I consider this to be part of the same issue).
6) PMO cannot be blamed for everything, yet I see breaking my dependance on this anti-social habit as one of many steps I have to take to be a touch happier.

Day 6

This is the sixth day of my latest 'reboot'.  So far, it is going well, better than past attempts.  I am not feeling any urges to 'peek', or to even masturbate to completion.  The habit of 'playing with my willy', like a young boy, still happens though when I am alone and bored, or just simply getting on with the something such as watching a film.  We'll see if this decreases as the days progress.  Most important, I feel, is the fact that I am not 'edged' once.  This has been the key weakness to past attempts.  A approach along the lines of mindfulness is really helping me here, so today and the next (small steps, a day-at-a-time) I continue to operate in this mode.

Thanks for reading, to those who have.  I wish you all a good day ahead with your own respective recovery attempts.

Day 7

A porno pop-up just infiltrated the screen of my computer.  As such, I decided to write here now, instead of the end of the day.  Hopefully it will diffuse any urges that may develop from this accidental 'peek'.

Today's feelings:

1) Woke up feeling very depressed - this improved as the day progressed.
2) No real urges to PMO or - most fortunately - to edge.
3) Penis size has decreased.
4) Prostrate is swollen, as semen squeezes out my penis when I use the lavatory (quite a common phenomenon, which settles down after a couple of weeks of no PMO - at first I was horrified and thought that it was some type of STD).
5) Testicles feeling a little 'numb' though are larger (one of the key symptoms of too much PMO, for me at least, was the shrinking and tightness of my ball - there is now the beginnings of a change, as if they were getting back to normal).

Do forgive the somewhat robotic approach to the descriptions of my current struggle against PMO.  At the moment, during the early stage of rebooting, I find posts that are short, precise, and honest, to work best for me.

Have a good PMO free day, everyone.

The only way to get rid of that routine, i.e. watching porn to combat common stressors (bored, alone, lonely), is by watching porn, and constantly noticing it isn't solving anything or leading you anywhere. Try to be mindful of that each time it happens.

The only way to learn, is to make mistakes. Don't expect yourself to avoid relapses in your reboot. Be mindful of the fact that without these mistakes, you're not learning or gaining anything.

I know now that masturbating (to porn or otherwise) will not make me feel any better afterward. Possibly worse, even. I don't know why your mind tricks you into believing it isn't so. Maybe it's because it requires conscious, mindful effort to prefer long-term satisfaction over short-term satisfaction. We're meant to live in and enjoy the present after all, not the future. That again, is a very mindful thought.

Thank you, anhaedra.  You are completely right: being mindful, at every step in this process, is the best way.  As I said in your journal, I appreciate the time you are taking with your posts - they are very informative and useful.

Day 10

Today, the urge to masturbate (not to watch porn) has been the highest during this latest streak attempt.  Despite this, it always feel good to reach 'double-digits', when it comes to the number of days.

Ten days is the longest I have reached for some time, so I am feeling very good about it all.

Main feelings:

1) Lethargic.
2) Unmotivated.
3) Numb.

So, a day of mixed feelings: happy to reach ten days, yet certainly this has been the most challenging day of the reboot so far.