Hey everyone,
I came to this forum cause like anybody else here I have a problem. I feel to embarrassed to talk about it to anyone in the real world and recently I felt the need to just share my story. Even if its just to clarify things for myself.
So here goes. (trigger warning: I will go into detail a bit)
I am a 31 year old male. My life is in a good place. Nice job, good house, good family relations and next year I am marrying the most amazing woman I have ever met. Everything is going good except for one thing: I watch porn, and I feel like it controls me.
In the part of Europe where I live porn isn't very much frowned upon. The attitude is that everybody watches it and sometime or another and it's nothing one should be ashamed of.
For the first 10 years of watching porn (I first saw it when I was 12) I never thought of it as a problem. If I felt an urge I would get behind the computer and take care of it. It's what everybody does!
When I moved out of my parents house I started watching more. It was a bit of a daily ritual. After a day of work I would come home and watch porn and usually also one more time before bed. I started developing a taste for certain kind of porn and actresses (mainstream stuff) It became a thing I really looked forward too. Still, I thought of it as a normal thing that everyone does.
The first time things got complicated was with my first girlfriend. I met her at age 21 and lost my virginity with her. Our sex life was always satisfying.
We lived in different cities and she would come by only on the weekend. Usually saturday evening. On these saturdays, before she would come by, I was in a conflict with myself; I wanted to save my sexual energy for my girlfriend but I had a really hard time not to watch porn and climax.
Our relationship lasted for 5 years and 90% of the time I was able to save my sexual energy by watching porn but not climaxing. It never affected my sex life with her, but I did find it strange how even knowing that I would have real world sex that night wouldn't stop me from wanting to watch porn.
When I was single again I went back to watching porn on almost a daily basis. I also started fantasising about visiting prostitutes that looked like pornstars. I switched out porn sites for contact sites for prostitutes. I got very into watching porn with actresses that would also escort, I would read stories from people that have visited them and I always researched what was out there on the market.
Eventually I took the step and visited a prostitute, in the following 2 years I would do it 4 more times. I also got into webcamgirls cause I saw that as a digital version of a prostitute. I was never to proud of any of this but I also thought it would make a great story some day and you only regret the things you have never done etc. etc.
4 years ago I met my fiancee, after meeting her I didn't watch porn for I think 4-5 months. After that I slowly started falling back into old habits.
Nowadays I find it a challenge to go a week without porn. I sometimes watch it at work, whenever I am alone in the house I see opportunity and when my fiancee goes on business trips I allow myself to fully indulge. I don't visit prostitutes but I do still look at their ads and very few times I will chat with webcamgirls.
All this happens but I don't want it to happen. I find it an annoying urge that gets in the way of my other interests. It distracts me from my work and I feel like it can totally dominate my mind for days. The only antidote seems to be watching porn and then I can be good for a couple of days but the urge always comes back.
So now here I am. I'm getting married next year and I want to fix this for good. I tried many times to stop before and have been relatively succesful (2-3 months without porn) I thought quitting smoking was the hardest habit I have ever broke but this feels so much more difficult. It feels like the longer I abstain myself the harder it gets.
I want to start a journal on this site but before I do I want to talk to some people who share the same difficulties. I have never before looked for help in this area and I am completely new to any of this so I would like to get some handles to help me on my journey.
So if anyone can tell me anything, I would love to hear it. If you have questions, feel free to ask and if you just recognise yourself in my story I would love to hear it too!
Thankyou
I came to this forum cause like anybody else here I have a problem. I feel to embarrassed to talk about it to anyone in the real world and recently I felt the need to just share my story. Even if its just to clarify things for myself.
So here goes. (trigger warning: I will go into detail a bit)
I am a 31 year old male. My life is in a good place. Nice job, good house, good family relations and next year I am marrying the most amazing woman I have ever met. Everything is going good except for one thing: I watch porn, and I feel like it controls me.
In the part of Europe where I live porn isn't very much frowned upon. The attitude is that everybody watches it and sometime or another and it's nothing one should be ashamed of.
For the first 10 years of watching porn (I first saw it when I was 12) I never thought of it as a problem. If I felt an urge I would get behind the computer and take care of it. It's what everybody does!
When I moved out of my parents house I started watching more. It was a bit of a daily ritual. After a day of work I would come home and watch porn and usually also one more time before bed. I started developing a taste for certain kind of porn and actresses (mainstream stuff) It became a thing I really looked forward too. Still, I thought of it as a normal thing that everyone does.
The first time things got complicated was with my first girlfriend. I met her at age 21 and lost my virginity with her. Our sex life was always satisfying.
We lived in different cities and she would come by only on the weekend. Usually saturday evening. On these saturdays, before she would come by, I was in a conflict with myself; I wanted to save my sexual energy for my girlfriend but I had a really hard time not to watch porn and climax.
Our relationship lasted for 5 years and 90% of the time I was able to save my sexual energy by watching porn but not climaxing. It never affected my sex life with her, but I did find it strange how even knowing that I would have real world sex that night wouldn't stop me from wanting to watch porn.
When I was single again I went back to watching porn on almost a daily basis. I also started fantasising about visiting prostitutes that looked like pornstars. I switched out porn sites for contact sites for prostitutes. I got very into watching porn with actresses that would also escort, I would read stories from people that have visited them and I always researched what was out there on the market.
Eventually I took the step and visited a prostitute, in the following 2 years I would do it 4 more times. I also got into webcamgirls cause I saw that as a digital version of a prostitute. I was never to proud of any of this but I also thought it would make a great story some day and you only regret the things you have never done etc. etc.
4 years ago I met my fiancee, after meeting her I didn't watch porn for I think 4-5 months. After that I slowly started falling back into old habits.
Nowadays I find it a challenge to go a week without porn. I sometimes watch it at work, whenever I am alone in the house I see opportunity and when my fiancee goes on business trips I allow myself to fully indulge. I don't visit prostitutes but I do still look at their ads and very few times I will chat with webcamgirls.
All this happens but I don't want it to happen. I find it an annoying urge that gets in the way of my other interests. It distracts me from my work and I feel like it can totally dominate my mind for days. The only antidote seems to be watching porn and then I can be good for a couple of days but the urge always comes back.
So now here I am. I'm getting married next year and I want to fix this for good. I tried many times to stop before and have been relatively succesful (2-3 months without porn) I thought quitting smoking was the hardest habit I have ever broke but this feels so much more difficult. It feels like the longer I abstain myself the harder it gets.
I want to start a journal on this site but before I do I want to talk to some people who share the same difficulties. I have never before looked for help in this area and I am completely new to any of this so I would like to get some handles to help me on my journey.
So if anyone can tell me anything, I would love to hear it. If you have questions, feel free to ask and if you just recognise yourself in my story I would love to hear it too!
Thankyou