Been a tough road

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Hey screwedup40....just read your post. I'm glad you wrote.
You are definitely on the right track now. I hope you have watched the videos here...they are great at explaining what's going on in the brain.

The longer you are away from p, and even giving in to the memories and playing them in your brain....the longer you are away from all that, the weaker those pathways will become in your brain.

One of the best ways of dealing with it all is to replace the p with other stuff in your life....getting up and getting out and doing stuff. Being productive.

It won't be long and you'll have to change your screen name here. We've all been in that place of, well, actually being screwed up...but the longer you are here and the longer you are away from pmo, the better life will become and the better sex will become with your wife again.

I'm glad you are here....looking forward to reading about your successes in the future.

NGU

Thanks for the encouragement ngu!  I have checked out the videos and am grateful for the posts and research that's been done.  My only regret is that this kind of stuff wasn't really out there six years ago.  While I did have some urges to mo in the beginning I've been pleasantly surprised how easy it was to quit watching p.  I've always felt it wasn't natural but was surprised how hard it was to stop in the past.  Once it was shown to me through all these other brave people's stories and research how destructive it was to my family, marriage, and general well being, I've given it up and haven't looked back.  The hardest part right now is just dealing with the insecurities of if I'll ever be truly healed.  I can honestly admit it's been one of the toughest times in my life.  A huge upside is how much more I've come to love and appreciate my wife through all of this.  We are closer now than we've been in many years.  I can see how wrongheaded my thinking was all these years that watching p was a 'victimless' activity.  Again, thanks for the encouragement, it's truly appreciated.

Good you found this site. It's heart breaking to read about your struggle with drugs. You are so right: this information is way overdue. I'm so glad we found this (I'm a partner btw) and it 's realy helpfull to read about the science-part of it. For me it helps me to believe, it's not me being not good  enough. I hope you and your wife get your life back.

I appreciate the kind words hoopvol.  You are to be commended for coming onto this site and offering inspiration and encouragement from your experiences.  The struggle with xanax and the withdrawal effects have caught me off guard for sure.  I'd never used drugs and very rarely drink.  However, I've also considered the experience, while tough, a blessing in disguise.  It's doubtful I would have ever heard of PIED and just kept doing the same destructive and stupid things I have been doing for the better part of a decade (PMO and MO).  My hope is that sometime in the not too distant future I can look back at all of this and say "wow, that was a tough journey, but look how much better of a man I am for having went through it".  I feel like my wife and kids deserve nothing less. 

So it's now been about three months of no p and no m.  Really little to no urges in that time span either.  While I've seen some great benefits in my relationship with my wife, I'm disappointed and frustrated that the ED is still a problem.  It makes me wonder if I should have done a complete hardcore with no O from my wife?  I think I just need to accept that the brain heals in its own time.  I've had some successes in this time span and I know that's what I should focus on.  It's just difficult when I look to the future and think three more months? Six?  A year?  TWO YEARS?  I really need to get out of my head about this and just let time do its thing. 

I understand from your posts, that your wife doesn't know, what's going on? I don't know how your relationship is, of course, but she seems to be a loving an understanding person. At this moment, you are fighting this thing on your own. If you tell her about it, it can become something you fight together. A wife/girlfriend often feels or senses, there's more going on. I certainly did and it made me very insecure. When he finally told me everything, it was devastating, but also a relief: I finally knew what had changed the man I thought I knew so well and that I wasn't seeing ghosts. I was shocked by his confessions, but what was even worse, was the constant lying. That did more harm, then the facts themselves. I don't know your situation well enough, but to me it was very comforting, that he finally was telling the truth. It made it possible to talk about it and for me to be supportive. It was't easy at first, as you might understand, but it was totally worth it. If you do decide to tell her about it: be completly honest, don't serve the truth in little bits and pieces. Yes it hurts, but it can heal. I always compare to an open wound: when you keep scratching it, it won't become a scar. We know it will always be part of us, but as long as it is a scar, it doesn't hurt. Scars can even make you more beautiful and stronger! Sometimes our scar starts to bleed a little bit, but by being honest and open, we can stop the bleeding. Gabe's video's can help you to explain to her, what was happening to your brain. We watched them together and that was very helpful.
Whether you decide to tell her or not: I wish you all the best and hope to read more about your progress!!