Stuck in a cycle ... again

A few years ago, I had hoped I was done with this part of my life. It took me two reboots, but I managed to stay away from PMO form a couple of years. Then occasionally I would allow myself to look at bikini pics and that kind of thing. "Hey, I'm a pretty fit dude, and a picture of a woman who's in good shape is inspiring -- that's all." Then one day I gave in to masturbation. Then it became more and more common.

I am Catholic and I have gone to confession repeatedly, but I recently realized that this has become part of my pattern -- flirt with lust, give in to lust in gradually or not so gradually bigger ways, go to confession with the sincere attempt to stop, receive forgiveness, start all over, realize a few days later that looking at pictures of women would bring me pleasure and technically not count as porn ...

I don't know how many other people of faith are in this group, but I hope to connect with a few. Mostly I need to find away to be accountable and to have a place to be honest about what's going on in my life in order to live better.

I was listening to a podcast called "Love People, Use Things" on my run this afternoon. The podcast focuses on recovery from porn addiction and is hosted by Matt Fradd, who is a Catholic, and Noah Church, who is an atheist. One point made in the episode I was listening to was the need to be aware of what porn is depriving you of. I think one of the big things for me is the ability to focus on the research I need to do for a book I am hoping to write. I really believe that writing this book would be a great accomplishment, whether it sells any copies or not. Another thing is personal connection with family and friends, although I have made some progress in this realm.

I should note that before previously quitting porn in 2013, it occupied a bigger section of my life, where I was using it for hours a day, every day, basically every chance I got, where lately I have been giving into it about once a week on average. And, where the pornography I was watching in 2013 was very hard core, most of the material I end up PMO'ing to these days is either erotic recordings that use hypnosis to create arousal or ASMR videos. I also tend to fall into looking at images of fitness women who are not naked, but that doesn't usually result in PMO. Despite these improvements, the habit is not "under control" since I am doing it compulsively, but the fact that it is taking up less of my life has allowed me to grow in some ways.

However, another thing I have noticed lately is that I give into a lot of other distractions when I am not using seeking arousal. For example, I might start playing a game on my phone and feel like I can't stop. The other day I realized I'd wasted several hours watching a show while playing a word game, and thought, if I am so bored with this show that I need to play a game to keep myself entertained while I watch it, why am I not doing something else? And if I am so bored with this game that I need to have the TV on, why am I playing it? I also distract myself by drinking too much -- only in the evenings, and not generally to where I cannot function, but enough to make me less aware of my general ambivalence toward my life.

My wife and I have also been under a lot of stress lately regarding our teenage daughter, who is dealing with a number of psychological issues and is rejecting the faith I have tried to raise her with. Where I would like to build a stronger connection there, my daughter is really doing what she can to push us away.

So, I think this might be why I am having trouble breaking the cycle: Even when I stay away from PMO, I still have a life I am not very happy with and am not sure how to change. I still haven't learned to get into the habit of doing things that will bring joy to my life, and I really don't know what to do for my daughter.

dlansky, I'm somewhat new to this site but I find my time here worth the effort to stay PMO free.  Thanks for your story and joining us.  I pray you will see that you are not alone.  I'm glad you're hear.

newstart,

Thanks for the welcome and for your prayers. I really appreciate it.

I was listening to some podcasts about porn addiction yesterday and had a couple of big insights.

One was the irony that I tend to use erotic entertainment (pornographic or otherwise) because I feel unlovable and unworthy of love. The nature of a lot of what I turn to tends to be POV stuff where I imagine that I am the object of someone's (however warped) attention so that I can imagine myself at least being desired if not loved. Then of course the dopamine provides a major distraction from the emptiness I feel at other times, but only until I climax.

Once the moment is over, of course I am left feeling even more unlovable.

The other insight came from a priest who talked about how the sacrament of confession can sometimes become part of a Catholic's addictive cycle, even when on is sincere about wanting to change. He mentioned a young woman who realized she was repeatedly falling back into various activities because, subconsciously, confession was the place where she felt God's love most vividly. That completely resonated with me -- in confession, you have the priests full attention on you, and the priest (almost always) is clearly willing the good for you, the basic definition of love. Knowing the the priest represents Christ in the confessional, in that moment I experience God's love in an interactive way.

Of course, the love and mercy we experience in confession is not meant to be a motivation to sin more, but a means by which we can move forward and away from sin.

I am thinking about trying to find a Catholic bible study. I go to Mass at least once a week, but there is not really any personal interaction within the Mass, and I think that's what I need more of in my life -- a way to grow in faith through personal interaction.

Anyway, I am two days in; lots of work ahead, but it's a start.

It all starts with 1 day.  Congrats on getting here and day 2 means you doubled your PMO free days.  Doubling any accomplishment is great.

I hope you find the right group for you.  That sounds like a wise step if you are feeling alone and unloved.  That is hard to escape from the feeling.  But if you have faith, there is Jesus who loves you where you are.  Nothing can stop his love.

Plus, now you have a community here that won't judge you.  So hang out here when you are in need of talking (so to speak).

Best to you.

I am Catholic too and I am familiar with that podcast you mentioned. I was going to recommend going to reconciliation at the first moment the cycle begins (i.e., bikini pictures) and not waiting until you actually get to PMO, as looking at such pics can easily be a near-occasion-of-sin for folks who struggle w/ PMO. Also, as I recall, maybe try to go to reconciliation regularly each month, even if there has been no acting out. It will sever any subconcious link between confession and PMO and will also help you become aware of other parts of your life where you are in need of God's healing and mercy (such awareness is yet another thing that PMO robs us of). Finally, I would suggest joining the Integrity Restored FB group.

hector,

Thanks for the reply. Monthly confession is often recommended for anyone, the priest actually recommended that those stuck in this cycle do weekly confession whether one has fallen into PMO that week or not. As you said, he thought it was good for those in this cycle to experience confession as something other than a part of the PMO cycle. He probably figures that if you wait a full month, you are more likely to have fallen back into the cycle by then, where if you go every week, your confession won't be contingent up you having fallen into PMO.

The Integrity Stored group might be helpful, but I worry that there are no pseudonyms used. If anyone I know personally happens to be in that group, I don't necessarily want them to know about my struggles.

I set up a day counter on my phone this morning and was able to back-date it to Sept. 12, the last time I acted out. Not sure if there is a way to put a day counter on my posts here on Reboot Nation, but I thought it might help me see the progress and perhaps observe any changes that have occurred in me as I move forward.

I set up a second counter as well, for sobriety. I had a bit too much to drink last night and feel like this is part of the same cycle. Some people can have a beer or glass of wine and be done with it. I can't seem to do that. I have stopped drinking altogether at various points in my life, but I have never managed to drink moderately on a consistent basis. I really want to be a whole person -- not just quit using porn and alcohol. I just feel like I run into the same wall of not knowing who I was meant to be or how to discover who that person is. But I do know that neither alcohol nor masturbation has helped me get there.

My wife is out of town until Friday. I am hoping to use any free time I have while she is gone to try to build a kind of personal-growth action plan -- something I can sustain when she gets back. That will be much better for me than indulging in escapes for the next five days.

Great steps!  You are doing great seeing what you want from the big picture of life.  I hope it is a productive week for you.  Come here when you need encouragement while your wife is away.

dlansky,

I believe that all things are possible with God.  I'm not sure if I qualify as a person of faith or not, but Christian spirituality has seeped into my bones enough that it's something I carry with me in times of travail.

Confession could bolster the shame-acting-out cycle if you aren't careful.  We act out because we feel terrible about ourselves.  Acting out makes us feel more terrible about ourselves, and so the spiral continues.

Allow yourself to feel guilty for just a moment, then let judgment dissipate.  Accept your feelings, thoughts, and desires as they arise, and let them go.  And remember that you are made in the image and likeness of God.  That trumps tiger blood.  You've got this.

So, I made it through yesterday with no alcohol or PMO and actually had a reasonably productive day.

I did have a slip of sorts. I was reading one article and saw a link to another article about a certain female celebrity having a wardrobe malfunction. Now, I figured I wouldn't see anything too vividly, but I was curious whether the malfunction was as bad as the headline suggested. I clicked on the article, and the picture they had was blurred in the area where the malfunction allegedly revealed too much, but it seemed to me that the selective blurring could be disguising the fact that nothing was ever actually revealed at all. I decided to Google for an unblurred picture to satisfy my curiosity. I found it, and as I suspected, you couldn't really see any "parts." Still, I realize that there was no good reason for me to do this. It could only have hurt my recovery, and it was disrespectful toward the woman in the photograph. If someone photographed me when I was accidentally exposing something, I would not want websites putting those pictures up, nor would I want people visiting those sites to see the pictures. If the woman were someone I cared about personally, I would be begging those sites to take the pictures down.

Granted, the woman in the pictures could have made a better wardrobe choice -- her dress was clearly designed to be provocative, and she apparently posted a blurred version of the image on her own Twitter account to "poke fun" at herself. (It may be that she actually intended to generate some "exposure.") But in terms of who I want to be and what I want out of life, this was the wrong choice on my part. Certainly, if Jesus had been visibly in the room with me, I would have found a way to resist the urge to even click on the article in the first place.

I did a bunch of housecleaning yesterday afternoon. I have very little space to engage in some of my legitimate hobbies, and lots of junk related to things I thought I might want to do someday but probably never will. In the mean time, all that physical stuff has been in my way for years. I am hoping that investing time in organizing my house will motivate me to pursue my real passions instead of website surfing to investigate alleged wardrobe malfunctions.

Congrats on another day down, sober and fap free.
News sites and social media can fuck you up. There are a lot of triggers on them, just like the one you encountered. The fact that you pursued it meant that you were hoping to see something pornographic, even though you may not have been fully aware of it at that time. Things can turn dangerous and weird fast when prowling the internet, just click away as fast as possible.

dlansky said:

I did have a slip of sorts. I was reading one article and saw a link to another article about a certain female celebrity having a wardrobe malfunction. Now, I figured I wouldn't see anything too vividly, but I was curious whether the malfunction was as bad as the headline suggested.

Click to expand...

Bob introduced me to a term for this: "p-subs" or porn substitutes.  This seems relatively harmless to me, but of course it can progress.  Try not to spend too much time on the internet (I work on the internet unfortunately) and stick with the No Arousal method if you can.  https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-no-arousal-method-celibacy-of-body-and-mind.14525/

I'm not always perfect at this.  Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about people, but my urges are weaker when I do refrain from fantasizing or porn substitutes.

Yes, I definitely agree that p-subs are not going to be helpful. I'm still at the stage where, unfortunately, it is a struggle just to walk by an attractive female and not feel compelled to take an extra look. I was out running this afternoon and encountered several. Of course, in that case you don't get to look as long as you want but only for as long as she is in your presence, you have to be somewhat discreet so you don't look like a creep, and there is really know chance of escalation. But it's still not a good habit.

It is now one week since I PMO'd and almost three days since I had a drink. I stayed up until 11 p.m. last night reading, which I could not have done if I'd been drinking. OTOH, I have had thoughts here and there about how much I'd enjoy a drink. I'm going to have to work through that impulse.

8 days since the last PMO; three days without a drink. Feeling kind of jittery and agitated today. I don't know if it could still be alcohol withdrawal (I had quite a bit of bourbon on Sunday evening but haven't felt this way until today) or if it's something else. Not going to spend too much time online as I don't need to today and don't want to get triggered.

Giving up two addictions at the same time. You, sir, are a King amongst men!

I have tried kicking one or the other at a time - gave up alcohol for a full year and later gave up PMO for more than two. The problem is I just end up leaning on one crutch instead of two.

I'm praying for you.  We do spiritual battle every day.  You can do this one day at a time.

11 days since last MO, 7 since last drink. Tired after a long day but feeling like I am making progress.